Title: In the Palm of Your Hand
Author: Celeste
Universe: Bleach
Rating: PG-13
Theme/Topic: Ball grabbing
Pairing/Character/s: Renji, Ishida
Word Count: 1015
Time: 22 mins (no edits)
Warning/s: Spoilers for the Soul Society Arc
Summary: Ishida scares the shinigami.
Dedication: Christine, who requested Renji, Ishida, and ball-jiggling. O.o Hope your midterm went well!
A/N: I am a world of not-funny.
Disclaimer: Not mine, sadly.
Distribution: Just lemme know.

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That human boy was a madman. Completely insane.

And for someone supposedly rendered powerless by Kurotsuchi in their battle, very, very strong.

He hoped Kuchiki-taichou hadn't been attacked by the Quincy yet…

He pushed the door to his captain's recovery room open.

And promptly shut it again.

Abarai Renji, feeling like an absolute coward, quickly backed away from the portal that would have taken him to his captain's sick bed, begging forgiveness under his breath.

The look of despondent hopelessness on Byakuya's face as he was closing the door might have been amusing if Renji hadn't felt so bad for deserting his superior officer in his greatest moment of need.

It seemed that Kurosaki's insane Quincy friend had decided that even though he hated all shinigami, he didn't like to leave any debts owed on his part. As a result, as way of thanks to all of those who had aided in Rukia's rescue, the archer was going to make them all new clothes that were, quote, "much more stylish than their boring shinigami robes."

It seemed that Kuchiki-taichou was the latest victim, currently being decked out in what looked like a blue-and-white cross-patterned scarf and gloves.

As much as Renji was growing to like his captain as they talked during this period of physical recovery, he still didn't consider them good enough friends to distract the crazy human by acting as a sacrificial decoy.

He'd seen Zaraki a few moments ago after all, and the ribbons streaming out of the bells at the end of his hair were definitely… weird.

Weirder than Kenpachi weird.

And Yachiru in a lacy skirt with pigtails was cute, but not so much when she was covered in the blood of everyone that had called her that today.

Renji spun around and made a hasty retreat back down the hall towards his own room.

"Abarai-san!"

"FUCK!"

"What was that?"

"Er…I mean uh hey, how's it goin'? I was just uh… going back to…"

"Your room?" Ishida's glasses gleamed in that way that was beginning to set Renji on edge before the archer pushed them further up on his face.

Renji hung his head. "Yes. My room."

"Perfect. You're the next person I need to fit," the human announced, stretching out a roll of what looked to be white, floral-patterned material.

"I uh…but I uh…"

Ishida grabbed Abarai's arm and pulled him back towards his own room. "I understand your need for rest, but I assure you, this will be as unobtrusive as possible and I'll be quick about it."

Renji knew he was on strict orders not to harm the humans now, but he was wondering if that order was more for shinigami safety than that of the humans because he was feeling a bit…afraid.

"Now stand like this," Ishida urged, ignoring Renji's frozen despair as he took out a strip of measuring tape, a needle, and some wicked looking pins.

"Uh…."

"No, like this, Abarai-san," Ishida repeated, having Renji stand with his arms extended out on either side of him and his legs spread apart.

"Look, kid, I don't think that this is…"

"Please try to move as little as possible as I might accidentally stab you if you squirm," the archer instructed calmly, pushing his glasses up again as he began to measure, cut, and pin fabric into place.

Renji sighed resignedly once he realized he was being completely ignored. "Yeah, okay."

Letting himself zone out, the sixth division vice-captain urged his thoughts elsewhere, to more pleasant atmospheres, hoping that the crazy sewing kid would finish quickly and then leave him alone so he could…

"Holy fuckin shit kid, what the hell!" he yelped, suddenly feeling a hand rather unabashedly jostling the family jewels.

"I said, is there enough room in the crotch?" Ishida repeated, sounding slightly impatient as he calmly knelt in-between Renji's legs with one hand on the vice-captain's balls and the other holding something sharp and pointy disturbingly close by.

"FUCK! Yeah there's room, there's room!" Renji yelped, wanting nothing more to dance away, but feeling that that would probably result in very bad things.

Ishida frowned. "Really? It feels a little tight," he muttered, moving his hand backwards a little but still being very, very obtrusive.

"DAMMIT kid, watch where you're pokin' those things!" Abarai squeaked, sounding like he was Hitsugaya's age again.

"Please refrain from moving, Abarai-san," Ishida responded again automatically, hand straying to brace itself on the inside of Renji's thigh while the other man squirmed. "This could become very painful if you don't stand still."

"I…what the fuck?"

"Just a moment longer," Ishida soothed, fingers ghosting along the front of Renji's crotch.

"Fucking shit…" the redhead breathed, closing his eyes and clenching his teeth and blushing horribly.

A moment later and Ishida appeared right in his face, hand still on those ridiculously reflective glasses and looking as cool as ice. "All done, Abarai-san. I should have the outfit done by this afternoon," the Quincy announced drolly as he jotted down the last of Renji's measurements.

Renji stared at him, shell-shocked.

"Well then, have a good afternoon, Abarai-san. And please rest well," Ishida urged, before bowing and heading out the door in a way too calm manner considering he'd just fondled Renji's balls.

Outside Abarai's room, Ishida sighed and checked his watch, making his way back to Kuchiki Byakuya's sick room. Knocking on the door, he didn't wait for a response before pushing it open to find a huffy, partially made-over sixth division captain staring at him forlornly. "I'm back," he announced easily.

Byakuya sighed. "Did you do it?"

Ishida smirked. "Of course. I trust I'll now have your unconditional cooperation as I finish your new clothes, Kuchiki-san?"

The sixth division captain looked back distastefully. "Very well," he conceded, knowing that a deal was a deal.

Ishida smiled and began unpacking his supplies again. "As you said, Kuchiki-san… Abarai-san is surprisingly innocent," the Quincy chuckled, brandishing his scissors rather wickedly.

Byakuya swallowed slightly.

Maybe it hadn't been worth selling his soul just to play a prank on his vice-captain after all.

END