I Love You More and More

I felt like I could fly.

It was Saturday and Lily and I were going out together. Well, in a way. She had procured Dumbledore's permission for us to go to the ministry for the library there. I couldn't believe things were turning out so well, so soon. When I first realized how bad Lily's situation was, I figured it would take months, but I was sitting at the library, organizing lists of ideas and books for Lily and I to use in our search; we were living that afternoon.

"It's not going to happen"

I looked up so quickly I felt my neck almost snap, but seeing who was standing in front of me, I suddenly thought I'd rather have the snapped neck.

"Her memory is not coming back", said Logan, looking at me with a patronizing expression, as though he knew what was really going on and I was a child with a tantrum, refusing to understand.

"Don't try it Appleby", I said quietly. "Adams and Street already informed me of your mind games".

He was still giving me that look and it reminded me, oddly enough, of the self-conscious preteen I remembered him as.

"Oh, please. Get real!" he was suddenly muttering, appearing less calm all of a sudden.

"What?"

"How can you fall in love with someone through a letter?" and I was stunned. How did he know about those letters? How did he know I fell in love with her through that last one? How did he know I was in love with her at all?

"Apparently I can", I replied.

"It's an infatuation", he stated impatiently.

"How do you know?" I asked him impulsively, seeing how I saw that question written all over my best friends' faces sometimes.

"How do you know different?" he countered. I decided not to confront him on this any longer.

"She's with me, Potter. Stay away from her"

"Or what?" I really was fed up with him. "I'm already her friend. If she wants me around, you can't say anything to stop her"

"Oh, I don't think so. She trusts me over anyone else. She won't go near you if I say so", he tried to appear menacing, apparently not realizing the only thing I saw him as was a scrawny kid I never talked to and barely knew existed.

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because your voice is shaking; you know I'm right"

Alright, so maybe he was getting to me. Just a little bit.

"You don't honestly think I'm just going to give up on her"

"No, you're a Gryffindor Potter. That means you'll stubbornly fight for her even when you don't stand a chance" Had it slipped his mind that Lily was in Gryffindor too?

"She has her own mind. Just because you say something doesn't mean she'll do it"

"You are six feet deep in illusions Potter. She is an entirely different person from the one you knew" – with that sentence he managed to frighten me more than anything else had ever done. "Let go of the fantasy, for your sake and hers. The Lily you knew is gone".

"… But she still skates" I said for the hundredth time, hanging on to those four words with my fingernails.

I was pacing in front of a sofa in the common room, where three boys and two girls were sitting apparently anxious to get away.

"She goes to the lake every day, every winter; that's what she said"

"We know" said Remus, sounding tired – I guessed it wasn't just because of the full moon. But I made no excuses; I was afraid that if I weren't obsessed with the situation I would've given up long ago.

"She is herself, I know it! I see it-"

"We know", muttered Street sounding just as tired.

I turned to look at them, finally.

"You've all given up" and it was Peter of all people to reply to that statement.

"Look, you haven't been trying for as long as we have, James. It's been-"

"What? No- Shut it, Pettigrew", said Adams before getting up and barely looking at me in the eyes, though she was clearly addressing me.

"Look. You shouldn't expect too much. Even if we did manage to get her memory back, she still might not want to be with you", she spoke the words as though she were trying to tell me my kneazle had died.

"Nice, Street," snapped Sirius.

"I'm just being sincere! You weren't there, you – you didn't see it" She faltered and behind her the other four weren't looking at me.

"The first few months were terrible for her. Amongst the things she had forgotten was her entire academic career and she was struggling. For the first time in her life she was struggling in class and she looked broken. The Slytherins, of course, used every chance they could get to make her more miserable and since none of us could've helped her, Logan was the only one with her through all of it.

"If you want her to know the truth, it's got to be the whole truth. And that means - that means that she would remember everything he did for her".

She looked me in the eye and I understood. To put it plainly, Lily had always been a sucker for kindness and by going along with my original plan; I was risking losing her entirely...

"… It was level eight for Merlin's sake!"

"It was level nine! I heard that witch clearly"

"Well, obviously not clearly enough, since you don't know where we are!" Lily snapped. We had been standing for ten minutes arguing inside the weird circular room with the spinning doors, not knowing where to go from there.

"Explain to me why you thought the library was still down here after the lift person said 'Department of Mysteries'. That was clearer than anything"

"Well, on no other level did the voice say 'Library'!" I snapped. "It could've been here just as well".

"Right", Lily muttered and walked closer to one of the doors, passing by and observing each one.

This was going great. We were stuck in what was probably the weirdest, most confusing, place in Britain; Lily was angry with me; we didn't know when we were going to get out; we hadn't got to the library… This was just great. There had to be some charm to get a message to someone outside. And if there was, then Lily would surely know about it.

I turned around to ask her and started when I saw her. She was standing transfixed outside of one of the doors. "Lily". She didn't reply. I walked closer, panicking very slightly; was that door's purpose driving people mad? Lily didn't need more brain damage… When I stood right next to her and got a good look at her, I became somehow more worried. Her dark red hair was over her face. Her chest was rising and falling as she took deep breaths, like she was breathing in the door itself.

"Lily"

She turned to look at me, her eyes filled with – there was no doubt about it – love.

It was intoxicating. Her eyes looking at me like that… She was beautiful. She was everything. I couldn't help it. I'd never felt more love than when I was looking at her face in that moment. I had to be closer… and then I did it. I kissed Lily Evans for the first time in my life. It was the best thing in the world. And then I realized I'd ruined everything.

-

AN: it's unbetad, so forgive me. Also, for not updating in years, literally. I keep starting fics and getting to dead ends… It's happened hundreds of times, but this fic actually has a plot and a planned ending… So, I decided to push myself into writing this, even though it doesn't seem too good as I've got better at writing since last time I put something up here and this seems ridiculous now. I'm doing this just for kicks. And I'm running through it – if you were wondering why the chapter seems rushed… it's mostly a mesh-up of ideas I found in the folder I have for this story.