Teletubbie Bye Bye 2: The wrath of the Magic Windmill
Over the hills and far away, Teletubbies cower in fear…er, I mean come out to play.
"Hello Tinky Winky"
"Eh oh"
"How's the hospital treatment going?"
"Not bad, although they are having trouble reattaching my brain"
"Yes, I can see that. Now who's going to clean up this horrible trail of Brain Fluid?"
Children: Noo Noo!
"Quiet you worthless scumbags. I make the decisions around here"
(Baby Gurgles)
"Oh, sorry oh great lord, please forgive me. I merely recommend things to you and you make the executive decision"
"THAT IS CORRECT""My Lord, you can speak!"
"THAT IS CORRECT""Wait a minute, you're just playing with your tape recording of Brian Blessed"
"HELLO, I'M BRIAN BLESE……"
"What have I told you about chewing the tape? Quick the windmill thingy that looks like it has been nabbed off some small child's sandcastle on some British beach is spinning!"
The teletubbies' stomachs begin to glow. Cries of " The Pain, oh the Pain!" go up.
Note to reader: You know, it feels as if their guts are on fire, the sounds of happiness are just dubbed over for the kiddy version.
"Lala you have been picked"
"Arrrrrgh, it hurts so much!"
"Let's see what's on. OOH, it's an infomercial about British TV licensing fees. Watch and learn…"
Did you know that TV licensing fees only cost 10 quid a month, but if you are blind, its only half price. Are we fleecing you or are we fleecing you blind people out there?
End Infomercial
"Morphine, please give me morphine!"
"Sun, what do you think?"
(Baby Gurgles)
"He says you can use the mystery syringe"
Children: Ooooooh!"Quiet, this isn't a game show. So, Lala, what will it be, your intolerable pain or the mystery syringe?"
"Err, the mystery syringe"
"Noo Noo, bring it here please"
(Sucking noises)
The syringe emerges from the nozzle, glowing green.
"Bend over Lala"
The syringe is inserted.
"Aaah! I'm melting!"
"Good. I hate you, It's what you deserve. By the way, this isn't covered by your insurance"
"Noooooooooooo."
"Bye Bye Lala!"
Children: Bye Bye!"Silence! Or you will feel the wrath of the magic windmill, up your arse!
Camera Zooms in on the Tubby Dome, or whatever it is called"Ah, it appears it is time for the amusing capers of the Teletubbies in their house. By the way, the remains of Lala have been transported there, so be prepared for some, ahem, special voice dubbings. We hear the voice actor has been trained to perfection in the character of LaLa. You shouldn't notice a difference, we hope. Watch and learn"
Enter Teletubbies plus wheelbarrow with tombstone in it"Ehoh Lala"
(Man with deep voice) "Ah, Guten Tag Tinkei Vinkei"
"Want tubby custard?"
"Bitte. Was? Englisch? Ach Nein. OK, hier wir gehen. Hallo, tubby custard I vud like."
(Cuts to Sun for no apparent reason)
"My lord, watch out for that nuclear intercontinental ballistic missile!"
The face turns into Anne Robinson before it explodes, rather like the Death Star from Star Wars"This cannot be good. Soon the fallout will reach Tubbyland. Quick, the rabbits and the extensive communications system must be saved. Transport them to the nuclear bomb shelter. Teletubbies can fend for themselves. Curse that windmill. I knew it was a nuclear intercontinental ballistic missile with a spinny thing attached to it all along.
(Cuts to picture of a Russian nuclear missile with a wind mill attached to it)
"And the stuff coming out of it making the tellys work was actually radiation. Why was I so stupid? Well, as soon as the radiation dies down, I'll see you again, but for now, watch the Teletubbies die in horrible ways as their minds become warped by the radiation. Au Revoir!"
Tinky Winky: Er, my head hurts. Oooh, urge to start religion. What must god be called? Er, Allan. Now to make it an official religion. Dipsy, Lala, Po, NooNoo, Children? Wanna be part of it?
All: What's the God called?
Tinky Winky: Allan
All: OK, let's go.
Tinky Winky: Tinky Winky head priest, Dipsy sacrifice dude…
Dipsy: Yay, knives!
Tinky Winky: LaLa can be the holy ashes…
German Bloke: Danke
Tinky Winky: Po can be the sacrificial lamb…
Po: Why am I always the sacrificial lamb? Iz it coz I iz red and, er, short?
Tinky Winky: Yes. And all you children can be Allan's worthless minions.
Children: Cheering
Tinky Winky: And possibly sacrificial lambs. Noo Noo, you can be the religion's bus. Now, let's get this official world religion on the road!
Po: I thought it was a cult.
Tinky Winky: Well you were wrong.
Note to readers: The radiation has affected their minds, making them feel like starting a religion, such as Allanism, and has also stopped their nonsensical ramblings. Just to let you know.
At the gates of Tubby Land
Guard: Evening. 'Fraid teletubbies can't leave Tubby Land, especially when they're glowing green.
Tinky Winky: Awww. That means we can't start our religion. Everyone back.
They arrive back at the tubbydrome in a small cart being pulled along by Noo Noo. They aren't happy and are starting to feel murderous.
Tinky Winky: I've been watching some naughty movies, and I found one called the Wicker Man. (Silence) I know, why don't we play that.
Others: Yayyy!
The Teletubbies get hard to work building their wicker man. Tinky Winky, as head of their odd religion/cult gets to pick the sacrifices.
Tinky Winky: Po, Noo Noo, several of the childrens' leaders…who else have we got here?
Dipsy: I found this insurance salesman
Tinky Winky: Exxxxxcellent
Cuts to the Wicker Man
Tinky Winky: Good news everyone. We have a special guest to start the fire.
Smeagol: Hello Hobbitses
Tinky Winky: Hi Smeag, nice to have you here. Do you have a lighter?
Smeagol: Er…hangs on a minute precious (fiddles with his loincloth) Er…is this it? (lights it) Ahhhh! We're on fire precious! (Runs around with his loincloth on fire)
Tinky Winky: Oh bollocks
Smeagol runs into the wicker man and sets it alight. Smeagol then dives in a handy paddling pool.
Smeagol: Phew, that was cloase wasn't it precious? Yess, shut up you idiot and lets find the precious, it should be in the tubbydrome. Yes, yes preciousss. Will there be any stupid fat Hobbits? Does it matter? Yes, they chucked us in a volcano last time precious, and that wasn't very nice, was it precious? No, not nice at all.
Smeagol crawls off in the direction of the tubbydrome. Meanwhile…
Tinky Winky: Yayy! Fire!
German Bloke: I haff already been burnt already today. This isn't vair!
Tinky Winky: Shut up and burn quietly
In the Wicker Man…
Insurance Salesman: Would you be interested in buying life insurance?
All: No! You can at least let us die with some dignity.
Insurance Salesman: Are you sure?
All: Yes!
Inside the tubbydrome…
Smeagol: Here we are precious. Its here!
Smeagol Picks up the ring
Security System: Warning, warning. Unauthorised access to the Religion's treasury. Will Tinky Winky please report to the Tubbydrome. Warning Warning. Insurance Salesman on site. Will Daleks please EXTERMINATE!
A Dalek dressed as a Christmas Tree emerges.
Dalek: Exterminate! Exterminate!
Noo Noo appears
Dalek: Exterminate!
Fires gun, Noo Noo is vaporized
Dalek: Insurance Salesman detected! Exterminate!
The Insurance Salesman has managed to escape from the wicker man and is running towards the tubbydrome. He runs into the Dalek.
Insurance Salesman: Hello can I interest you in some insurance?
Dalek: What is insurance?
Insurance Salesman: Weeellll…
Tinky Winky, leaving everyone else to burn, runs to the tubbydrome…well, waddles quickly.
Smeagol: Nooooo! They're going to take the precious away from us, precious!
Smeagol puts the ring on, Tinky Winky enters
Tinky Winky: Where are you Smeagol, I know its…gcchchchh
Smeagol is now choking/biting Tinky Winky
Smeagol: Its ours!
Tinky Winky falls to the floor
Smeagol: Yesssssss!
Smeagol runs off. Meanwhile…
Dalek: So if I take out Life insurance and fire insurance, I get a ten percent discount?
Insurance Salesman: Yes
Dalek: Arrgh! Can't take it! Self-exterminate!
The Dalek blows itself up.
Insurance Salesman: Another Satisfied customer
Evil Announcer person: And so ends our story, and the teletubbies are dead. Again. They might come back to life, so be prepared for another adventure in the future!