A/N: You asked for it, and we delivered! Just long Hong Kong Chow's Delivery Pizza Place. It's there. To share. With family. And friends-ily. That doesn't really rhyme, and it's kind of off the subject, but who cares?
We thought up all this stuff by ourselves, except for, y'know, the original characters. Those were created by Lemony Snicket. SO. No stealy, no sue-y.
Enjoy. :-)
They cheerfully skipped off to the ice cream shop. Once there, Klaus ordered a banana split, Sunny ordered a banana fudge ice cream, Violet ordered a cherry banana ice cream waffle cone, and Olaf had a chocolate ice cream.
"So you're taking your grandkids all out for ice cream, huh?" The guy behind the counter asked Olaf. Olaf glared his one-eyebrowed glare at him, and then vowed to send his Scientologist friends to tar and feather him, with Tom Cruise leading the pack!
"It was his in his wedding vows, you know," he added. "He's expected to always lead the hunt. Along with Katie." This terrified the poor man behind the counter. He ran off to go grab his suitcase and head on over to Canada.
"Um...so, what's with all the bananas?" Olaf asked.
"We love bananas!" They all shouted in unison. "Oh!" Olaf said. "There's a funny story about my boy Samuel and bananas! You ought to hear it!"
Violet went all "facepalm". "Not again," she moaned. "I've heard that story at least fifty times...and it isn't even that funny!"
Suddenly Mr. Poe arrived.
"I have some bad news for you — " Cough. "Children." Cough. "Well, actually it's not that bad news for me and Sunny. Eh? Eh?"
The ice cream guy came and begged to Mr. Poe, "Will you take me back with you to Canada, Canadian guy? Let me live with your family! And if Tom Cruise asks, I'm not home!"
Mr. Poe shook the guy off his leg and left him to sob on the floor, saying, "So...Sunny. My lady, my only lady, my sweetheart, my lover, my cutiepie, I have found your real parents!"
Two people walked in the shop. "Sunny?" one asked. "Dear, we've come to pick you up."
"Um..." Sunny replied. "I'm eighteen. I wouldn't have to go with you even if you were my real parents."
"But we are! We have the certificate right here!" The lady waved a slip of paper in the air. Sunny said, "I don't want to see no stinking certificate! Okay, maybe I do. Then I can marry Klaus!" She took it from her.
"Wow. I am your real daughter." Sunny was happy. "This puts a whole new spin on the phrase 'my brother from another mother'. But, whatever. Now I can marry Klaus!" They kissed. For, like, four minutes. "So..." she went. "Klaus...do you need to ask me something?"
"Yeah. So, do you need a napkin? 'cause you have something on your shirt."
"Hmmph!"
"Jay kay, jay kay," Klaus said, laughing. "Sunny, my lady...my only lady...my sweetheart...my lover...my cutiepie...would you be my wife?"
Sunny swooned. Mr. Poe went, "Hey!!" waggling his finger angrily at Klaus. "You can't steal Sunny from me! Or what I said! Mark my words, that relationship is gonna be over in a second!"
Sunny said, "One. Two. Three. Four." Then, to Mr. Poe, she said, "Wow, it's been four seconds and it still isn't over. I guess it's meant to be!" She kissed Klaus yet again. "Klaus, my man, my only man, my soon-to-be-hubby-bubby, my little, little cutiepie, my sweetheart, I will marry you! Even though you're not that little!"
"Awwww," Sunny's real parents said. "Go away," Sunny said. "But! Before you leave, my real parents who never took the time to raise me, I'll give you a present."
"Oh? What present would that be, Sunny?"
She hugged them.
"Awwww..." they said again.
Then she threw her ice cream at her mom, who she already found annoying. "Yeah, thanks for nothing, and I betcha didn't know bananas don't come off your chest for a week! Mwahahahaha!" She went to Klaus and kissed him yet again. "Thank you for always being there for me, my soon-to-be-hubby-bubby, my man, my only man, my lover, my sweetheart," she said to him, as her parents left.
Mr. Poe came up to Sunny. "Now, Sunny, think about this decision. You barely even know the man!"
"What? He was my brother for eighteen years!"
Violet said, "Yeah, and, like, your lover for three."
Just then, the SWAT team came in. Mr. Poe fainted.
"Oh, my God!" the ice cream guy screamed. "The Scientologists have come!" He looked at the guy in the front. "Is that Tom Cruise? I can't tell! He's wearing a helmet! But he's short! So I think it's him! Aaaah!"
"Short?" the guy said. "I'll show you short!" He shot the guy in the leg.
"My leg! Tom, how could you?" He clutched it pitifully, dragging himself to the bin of fresh, cold bananas he kept handy for banana splits. "Perhaps this will ease the pain!" He stuck in his leg. When he pulled it out, it was completely healed.
"See?" Violet and the others told Olaf. "Bananas even have healing properties!"
"Shut up!" the Tom Cruise look-alike told them. "Which one of you is a girl?"
Sunny and Violet raised their hands. The guy walked over to them. Looking at Count Olaf, he said, "I think this is a girl too."
"What?!" Olaf said. "I'm a man! And...a very handsome man at that." He ran his fingers through his hair. Then he showed him his armpit. "And check out my armpits! Chiseled to perfection!"
"I said to shut up! Though those are nice armpits. Anyway! This place has been accused of drug dealings!"
"Please, no," the ice cream guy said. "I am but a poor Canadian, eh, about to go back home, eh."
"Shut up, or I'll shoot you again!"
"So.." Violet said cautiously. "Why did you need to know if we were girls then?"
"Because the girls are most suspected of the dealing of drugs!" To the other men, he shouted, "We're gonna need to pat 'em down, boys. Any of you suffered a breakup recently?"
Two of the guys raised their hands.
"Okay, who had a particularly nasty one?"
One guy's hand was still raised.
"Okay, you get the girl who isn't underage!"
Sunny said, "I'm not underage either..."
"Boys, it's your lucky day!"
The guys came up there looking as happy as if they had won the lottery.
The man with the worse breakup ordered Violet against the wall, hands up. He proceeded to feel her up — er...pat her down... The other guy did the same to Sunny. Both spent more time than necessary on one particular part of their anatomy, claiming they "didn't know where girls would stash stuff".
Olaf punched the bad-breakup-guy, and Klaus kinda wimpily ran at the other one, scaring him off a little.
"Only I can feel up my wife!" Olaf roared.
"Though I did do so occasionally in our younger days," Klaus confessed.
"What?" both Olaf and Sunny shouted at the same time.
"We were young and foolish!"
"And siblings!" Sunny said.
"You forget, Sunny, we too were siblings, just a few hours ago. And the strength of our love is everlasting!" Klaus said.
"Everybody shut up!" the SWAT team Tom Cruise-ish guy shouted.
Mr. Poe got up from the ground from where he passed out. "What's going on?" he said, coughing.
The SWAT team guy couldn't take it anymore. "I! Said! To! Shut! UP!" He shot Mr. Poe.
"Oh, my God!" Sunny screamed. "Mr. Poe, are you still alive?"
He looked at her and smiled. "Yes...they just got me in the toe."
"Oh. Well, then, go jump in a banana barrel."
The SWAT team left, totally bored, with no more girls to feel up.
"Um..." Violet said.
Silence. Of the awkward kind.
"Anyone up for a movie?" Olaf asked.