Notes: Thanks to those who continued to read this story after the year absence and to those who've read it for the first time. And of course, thanks to those who review. Your kind words mean everything to me. Lastly, thanks to Mariel for being a great beta. I did some tweaking to this, after she'd returned it to me, so any mistakes are mine.
Danny had just fallen asleep. He'd had trouble sleeping for weeks, maybe even months, but on this night, sleep had come easily. For the first time in a long time, he felt settled. He'd straightened things with the Maddie and Sylvia, and Raffi would be home in six months.
Suddenly, his blissful, dreamless sleep was disrupted by the ring of his cell phone. Groaning, Danny rolled toward the nightstand and grabbed his phone. Certain it would be work; he didn't bother looking at the display.
"Taylor," he mumbled.
Not hearing a response, he sighed heavily thinking it was a wrong number. Then he tried again. "Taylor," he said louder this time.
"Did I wake you?" a small voice asked on the other end of the line.
"McGrath?" he asked, recognizing her voice. Sitting up quickly, he rubbed his eyes. "Are you okay?"
"Um, I didn't realize how late it was. I'm sorry, Danny. I'll call you—"
"Whoa. Whoa. What's going on? Are you okay?" he asked in a very worried tone.
"I'm fine. I just…I just…" she stammered as her voice quivered with emotion.
"Just what?"
"I just think we still have some things to talk about, and I didn't want to lose my nerve."
"I thought we were okay. After our talk tonight, I thought we were okay."
"We are. I mean. I understand what you've been dealing with. I'm not talking about your brother or his family. I'm talking about us."
"Us?" he responded, completely caught off guard.
"What happened between us before my wedding," she confirmed.
Eyes widening, Danny fell back on his pillow. "You want to talk about that? Tonight?"
"Not tonight. Just…sometime…soon. We never dealt with anything. We just swept it all under the rug and ignored each other for ten years. I, um, I think about what I did that night, and I…"
Hearing the guilt and desperation in her tone, he cut her off. "It wasn't your fault. It was me. It was all me."
"No. It wasn't," she replied definitively. "Look, we shouldn't try to hash this out tonight. I've got pre-trial motions for the rest of the week. Do you think we could get together this weekend?"
Rolling his eyes, Danny almost laughed. He'd finally gotten the weight of the world off his shoulders, and now he had to think about his past mistakes for the next week.
"Danny?"
"Yeah. I'm here," he responded, wearily rubbing his eyes. "This weekend is fine. Unless something comes up at work, I'll be around."
"Great. See you then."
"Goodnight, McGrath," he said before closing his phone. Rolling onto his side, he clutched his pillow and shut his eyes. As soon as he did, his mind started racing with memories of all his bad deeds in his past. Moments later, he reopened them. "Son of a bitch!" he groaned as he punched his pillow. Once again, the possibility of a peaceful sleep seemed very far away.
XXX
"So what's this all about?" Danny asked as he took a seat on his sofa. Maddie sat across from him in his large Lazyboy recliner.
After they'd both had busy, exhausting weeks, they'd finally found time to get together on Sunday afternoon. At first, Danny had suggested they meet somewhere for lunch, but Maddie had insisted on something more private. This had made Danny nervous. He hadn't wanted another big, emotional confrontation with her, but he hadn't had much choice.
Now that they were in his apartment, she was the one who looked nervous. Her hair pulled back in a ponytail, she wasn't wearing any make-up and looked like she hadn't slept any better than him lately.
"Um, well, I –"she began to respond.
Before she could continue to stammer, Danny cut her off as he leaned forward with an intense, concerned gaze. "It's over, McGrath. It's in the past. I mean, you and Jason aren't even together anymore. Why are you tearing yourself up over this now?"
"I actually called him last night. I told him that you and I had reconnected. He said he wasn't surprised. He said that he always thought that you, um, that you wanted me."
Danny closed his eyes for a moment. Clearly, Jason still didn't have a great of opinion of him.
"How did you feel about me back then, Danny?" she asked suddenly.
Biting his lip, Danny looked at her. "I thought you were amazing. I thought Jason was incredibly lucky. Was I attracted to you? Yeah, I was. But I never wanted to hurt your relationship."
"But you did. We did."
"I was out of control. You were right when you said that I never thought about my actions until they blew up in my face. I was arrested, for Christ's sakes. I almost ruined any chance I had for a future at all."
"So that was your excuse. What was mine?" she asked desperately. "The more I think about it, the more I think I wanted to sabotage my wedding. Why else would I call you that night? Why else would I agree to drink with you? I used you. I just didn't follow through the morning after by leaving Jason. I said as much to him last night," she admitted, voice full of shame. She sat silent for a moment, almost waiting for Danny to dispute her claim. When he didn't, she continued, "Jason says we enabled you. He says he should have thrown you out long before even I came along."
"He probably should have," Danny replied solemnly. "But then you wouldn't have been there to save my ass after I got arrested."
Maddie smiled. "I really didn't do anything. It was a good thing you, um, you had a connection with that lawyer."
Shaking his head, Danny smirked. "Yeah, well, that's another thing I'm not very proud of. But nothing ever really happened with Sandra Stevens. She got the case knocked down to a misdemeanor, open container violation. In return, I had to check into rehab. When I got out, thirty days later, she was there to pick me up. I think she thought we could, you know, go from there. She lost interest pretty quickly when she realized I wasn't nearly as much fun sober.
"I guess everything happens for a reason. I still married Jason that day. We spent seven years trying to make it work, and after that, he ended up finding the love of his life. Who are we to question fate? But it makes me think that there's a reason you're back in my life now. Everything that happened between us before…maybe it all happened for a reason."
"Maybe," Danny responded in a low tone. "So what do you want to do?"
XXX
Six months later
"You ready for this?" Danny asked as he looked over at Raffi who was sitting next to him in the cab. He'd been there to pick Rafael up this time, instead of avoiding his return home the way he had the last time his brother had gotten out of prison.
"I honestly have no idea."
"I'm sure it's overwhelming, going through all this again. But Raffi, just take things one step at a time. Don't look at the whole picture right now. Just focus on getting out of the cab and greeting your beautiful family. They can't wait to see you," Danny responded in an encouraging tone.
"Who else is up there?" Raffi asked, sounding worried and apprehensive.
"I told Sylvia to keep it simple: just her, Nicky and the baby. She's not making a big production like the last time."
"Am I always going to be this messed-up?" Raffi asked desperately. "Will Sylvia even want to stay with me?"
"You're going to be fine. You're going to go back to work with her brother. You're going to take things slow. Sylvia loves you. Your kids love you, man. Focus on that, Raffi. Don't lose sight of it. All they want is for you to be here. That's it," Danny responded in the most supportive tone he could muster.
Raffi nodded.
"Ready?" Danny asked again.
Taking a deep breath, Raffi nodded again as he opened the car door. Danny stepped out of the other side and they both proceeded to walk towards the building.
The reunion with Raffi and his family was emotional and intense, and Danny almost felt like he was intruding. As much as he'd helped Raffi in the last year, Danny still felt a distance between them. It was still hard for him to trust Raffi. So Danny had taken to treating Raffi like a fellow addict instead of like a brother. That made it a little easier.
Not sure of what to do, he watched Raffi embrace his family, not wanting to let them go. Danny was almost relieved when there was a knock at the door.
Opening the door, he smiled widely when he saw her. "Hey, McGrath," he greeted as he leaned in to kiss her cheek.
"Hi," she responded as she walked in. "You bring him home?" she asked as she looked at Raffi and Sylvia, now sitting on the sofa with Nicky and the baby.
"We just got here, actually. And now I feel like a fifth wheel."
Smiling at him, Maddie gave his arm a squeeze. "He wants you here."
Nodding skeptically, Danny looked her in the eyes. "What brings you here?"
"I have some parole information for him. I was supposed to get it to him yesterday, but I was stuck in court."
"Give it to me. I'll make sure he gets it later, but I don't think he can deal with hearing about parole officers right now."
"Okay," she said, handing him the papers. "You know the drill. It just says he has to make contact within two days and all the other basic stuff." Hesitating a moment, Maddie wasn't sure what to say next. Finally, she continued, "Um, I'll go. I really am intruding."
"I'll walk you down…give them some time alone," he said as he guided her out the door.
"So how have you been?" Danny asked as they walked down the stairs.
"Busy, but things are good. You?"
"Same," Danny responded as they walked out into the chilly air.
After their talk six months ago, they'd decided to take things slow. They'd admitted that they'd always been attracted to one another, but they hadn't wanted to ruin their rediscovered friendship by falling into a relationship too quickly. The friendship since then had consisted of long phone calls where they commiserated over their frustrating jobs and going for runs in the park or meeting for coffee every once in a while.
"So how's what's-his-name?" Danny asked with a hint of biting sarcasm as he blew warm air into his cold hands.
"His name is Robert, and I thought we said we weren't going to talk about him," Maddie replied.
She'd met Robert two months ago. A friend of hers had set her up on a blind date with him. Maddie hadn't wanted to go, but felt like she had to do something to jump start her social life. She'd been completely surprised when Danny had gotten a bit jealous. Ever since then, they hadn't seen much of each other. She and Robert had continued dating which made it hard for her to find time for Danny.
"I know. I know. But I still don't see what you have in common with a stockbroker."
"About as much in common as you had with that dancer in the Cats chorus line," Maddie replied with a giggle.
"She's in chorus line for Chicago. Cats closed years ago," he informed her, returning her smile. "And that was months ago. It's kind of hard to start a relationship with someone who can only see you after midnight."
"Exactly, nothing in common. At least, I had a similar schedule to Robert."
"Had?" Danny asked with an arched brow as he trained in on her use of the past tense.
"We're taking a break."
Danny smiled widely. "That's too bad."
"Give me a break, Danny."
Raising his hands, he replied, "Okay, okay. I'll leave it alone. I should get back to the welcome home party anyway."
"Before you go back up, I have a proposition for you. I was gong to see if we could get together to talk this weekend."
"What kind of proposition?" he asked curiously.
"It's, um, it's a long story."
"Well, give me the highlights," he said, blowing into his hands again. "I left my coat upstairs so I'm freezing here."
"Right. Sorry," she responded nervously. "Okay, um, I'm, um, I'm going to Texas."
Completely surprised, Danny responded, "What? Texas? What?"
"I'm revisiting a dream I had a long time ago."
"The Innocence Project," Danny nodded as he remembered. "When do you leave?" he asked trying to hide the hurt in his voice.
"End of the month."
"Why now?"
"Why not now? I was thinking about it after Jason left, but then—"
"Then I showed up."
"Right. It's just something I've always wanted to do."
"I know. I remember. So what's the proposition?"
Maddie smiled widely. "I want you to come with me. Don't respond now. Just think about it. You've passed the bar. You could help a lot down there. And…" she stuttered, not sure how to articulate her next sentence.
"And what?"
"Maybe the only way we can see if we're anything more to each other is if we get away from this place and all these memories. It could be a great opportunity for both of us."
XXX
Danny had told her that he'd think about it. At first, he was just humoring her, but the more he thought about it, the more intrigued he became. A fresh start had worked for him before, so maybe that was what he needed now: a new career and a new relationship with someone who he has always cared about.
He spent a week weighing his options, all the while helping Raffi get acclimated to life outside of prison. He even accompanied Raffi to some NA meetings. Sometimes they'd start talking about the past: their parents and their lives after they'd died. But the conversations never went anywhere—the memories still too painful for both for them.
At the end of the week, Danny stopped by Maddie's apartment.
"I brought pizza," he said after she opened the door for him.
"A man after my heart!" she replied, opening the door wider.
"I even had them load up half of it with veggies, just like you like it."
They spent the next hour eating pizza and talking about Raffi, neither wanting to be the first to bring up Texas.
Finally, Maddie couldn't take it anymore. "So have you…have you been giving my proposition any thought?" she asked, sounding insecure.
"That's an understatement. I haven't thought about much else all week."
"Well?"
"There's a part of me that thinks starting over would be a good thing. And I did pass the bar. There's really no reason why I shouldn't start practicing law. But the Innocence Project and death row reform was always your dream, McGrath."
"It's a great program, and you would be so great at it, Danny. With your law enforcement background—"
"But leaving New York?" he interrupted. "And the people I work with? I mean, this place is my home. It's all I've known my whole adult life. It's the only stability I've ever had."
"I'd be there," she stated in a small, but hopeful tone.
"You're the only reason I've been giving it so much thought all week."
Maddie smiled a smile that didn't reach her eyes. "But I'm not enough, am I?"
Sighing slightly, Danny ran a hand through his hair. "I can't leave him again, McGrath. I can't leave Raffi and Sylvia."
"You've helped him. He's free. At some point, you can't be responsible anymore."
Danny laughed. "That's just it, McGrath. I've spent the better part of my adult life not being responsible, even after I stopped drinking. You were right. I was selfish. That's why I can't leave him now," he replied, voice betraying him with emotion.
Her lips tightening into a thin line, Maddie swallowed hard to stop herself from crying.
"I'm sorry," Danny said as he leaned forward and put his palm against her cheek.
Smiling sadly, Maddie put her hand on his. "I guess we just aren't meant to be."
"I think the last six months have proved that we are meant to be the best of friends. I know I gave you a hard time when you started dating what's-his-name, but that's just because I want the best for you. Follow your dream, McGrath."
"What about you? Are you going to stick with the FBI?"
"For now, I am. Maybe the future holds something different, but right for now I just want to focus on making sure that Raffi stays clean."
XXX
A month later, he took her to the airport.
"Be careful. Don't piss too many people off. There are a lot of loose cannons down there who aren't big fans of what you're trying to do," he said, voice full of worry.
"That's why I wanted you there with me: my own private security detail," she said with a smile. "Don't worry. I'll be fine."
"You're doing a great thing, McGrath."
"So are you. I'm so proud of you, Danny," she said as she reached out to him.
For several moments, they embraced, and neither wanted to let the other go.
When they heard the announcement to board her plan, Danny groaned and Maddie's eyes filled with tears.
"Look at me, McGrath," he said, tilting her chin up.
"No matter what, we'll always be there for each other, right?" she asked looking into his eyes.
"Always friends, remember?"
Smiling, she nodded through her tears. "I love you."
"I love you, too," he said as he kissed her forehead.
Finally stepping away from him, she turned quickly to board the plane.
XXX
As he walked out of the airport, Danny took a deep breath to keep his emotions in check. He'd always hated goodbyes.
As he slid into a cab, he took out his cell phone and dialed a number. After a few rings, an answering machine picked up.
"Hey, Raffi. It's Danny. I'm on my way back from taking Maddie to the airport. I'm running a little late so I'll just meet you and Nicky at the Garden. I can't wait for Nicky to see his first Knicks game. See you soon."