A/N : This was actually written a long time ago .. probably at least a year back lol, but I've been soo inactive I decided to post some proof that I was still alive xD
This story was actually a challenge inspired by Michael Serpent ; if you don't who he is, then bad fanfiction reader ! Go find him right now ! xD
Okay anyway so the challenge was to write up a Harry/Krum, or Draco/Krum, or even possibly Harry/Draco/Krum - We also had to include the following items : a quill, lip balm, jewelry, a candy bar, and a tattoo. Obviously, you'll see that I just put in the items randomly because I have no sense of imagination whatsoever x
It's written rather American-ish .. seeing that's where I live : I just tried modifying it so that it fit more the British language, but it didn't work xx;; When I wrote it, I used what "British terms" that I knew .. which were basically the "er/erm" in contrast to the "uh/um" xD So this story is like a story with messed-up language problems xD Please forgive mee TT
Oh, one last thing: I cannot write humor whatsoever! So when I try, it ends up being extremely retarded and yeah -.-;; This thing is basically composed of dialogue too .. giving it no structure at all xx;;
- - - - - - -
Seduction
"God damn it Potter," Draco snapped. "Get a move on!"
"I'm sorry, Malfoy," Harry shot back. "I can't help it! I don't know what to choose!"
"Potter," Draco said. "How the fuck can it be so hard to find a damn tattoo? There are millions!"
"Exactly," Harry answered. "I can't choose!"
"And why not?"
"Because there are so many!"
Draco sighed in exasperation. "Just pick one," he said through gritted teeth. "I can't spend all fucking day wasting it here with the Fucking-Boy-Who-Lived! I have a life too!"
"Well that's nice to hear," Harry answered, his voice dripping with sarcasm.
"JUST PICK ONE!"
"Fine…fine…" Harry grumbled, and he bent over again at the rows and columns of different samples. Finally, he straightened up, and started to go into one of the tattoo stalls.
"Found one?" Draco called out, but he got no response. Instead, Harry walked into a stall, and spoke some words to the woman in a low voice.
- - - - - - -
At last, after what seemed like a lifetime to Draco, he was greeted by the sight of Harry Potter finally coming out.
"Now are you ready?" Draco asked.
"Er…yeah…" Harry answered.
As they walked out into Hogsmeade, Draco couldn't help but look curiously at Harry.
"Well?" he finally asked. "What did you get?"
"What did I get what?" asked Harry, confused.
Draco gave a long, deep sigh.
"What tattoo did you get?" he asked.
"Oh…erm…well, I don't know!"
Draco stared.
"You…don't know?"
"Er…yeah…"
"What do you mean you don't know?"
"I just…don't…"
"Then how the fuck did you choose anything?"
"Er…well…I didn't…"
"What?"
Harry rolled his eyes, and looked over at Draco. "I didn't know what to pick!" he answered. "So I asked the tattoo-lady to pick for me!"
"The tattoo-lady?" Draco repeated. "The tattoo-lady?"
"Yes!"Draco sighed…again… "You don't call her the 'tattoo-lady'!" he retorted.
"Then what do you call her?"
"Just…er…I don't know…but that doesn't matter! Let's see that tattoo you got!"
"Erm…you might not want to do that…"
Draco blinked.
"And why not?" he asked.
"Well…she…er…she…"
"Yes?"
"Er…she did it…on…er…on my arse…" Harry's voice kept on getting smaller and smaller.
"So? That-…wait…she what?"
"She put the tattoo on my arse…" Harry mumbled again.
Draco had stopped walking completely, and was now staring at Harry.
"And you let her because…?" he said.
"Well…I…I just don't know…"
"Okay…" Draco said slowly, deciding to let the matter drop. "Well, so let me see!"
"See what?"
"The tattoo!"
Harry's jaw dropped. "NO!" he exclaimed. "I am not going to let you see my arse!"
"And why not?"
Harry stared some more.
"Because…" he answered. "I don't just let people see my arse!"
"Well I want to see it!"
"I'm not going to let you!"
"Yes you are!"
"Are not!"
"Are too!"
"Not!"
"Are!"
"Not!"
- - - - - - -
And so…
- - - - - - -
That's how The-Boy-Who-Lived found himself in the boy's bathroom, back at Hogwarts, with his pants down, and Draco Malfoy staring at his butt cheeks.
"I can not believe this is happening…" He muttered over and over again. "Draco Malfoy is looking at my arse…he's looking at my arse…He's looking at my arse Draco Malfoy…"
"Holy fuck!" Draco suddenly breathed.
"What? What? What is it?" Harry was actually able to tear himself away from his statements of disgust.
"It's…it's…oh Potter, you're not going to believe this!"
"WHAT?" Harry yelled.
"Really Potter…you should be glad that it's after hours…what if someone found us like this? Not a pretty sight…I mean…your arse is ugly enough…but with this tattoo…"
"God damn it, just tell me what it is!" Harry exclaimed.
"Okay! Sheesh…it's…it's…"
"WHAT?"
"Calm down, you wanker!"
"Fucking hell! Just tell me what it is!"
Draco sighed. "Fine," he said grumpily. "It's a heart."
A pause-
"It's…a…what?"
"A heart! Really Potter…usually people learn their shapes by this age…"
"Fuck off! I know what a heart is!"
"You sure don't seem like it…"
"Shut up! Why the fuck did I get a tattoo anyway?"
"Because it was a dare, remember?"
"Oh…yeah…so why the hell did you have to come with me?"
"Potter…you need to get your memory checked…I tagged along because I had to make sure that you went through with the dare!"
"Oh…so Gryffindors get to dare the Slytherins next, right?"
"Yeah…you are so thick."
"Shut up!"
"Well…don't you want to know more?"
"…Er…about what?"
"Your tattoo!"
"Isn't it a heart?"
"Yeah…but don't you want to know what the words are?"
"Er…there are words?"
"Yeah!"
"Oh…what are they?"
"I Love Viktor Krum"
Harry snorted. "Please, Malfoy," he said. "I don't really need to know your gay fantasies right now…just tell me what my tattoo says!"
"That is not my fantasy, and I am not gay!" Draco exclaimed. "And I already told you what your tattoo says!"
"What?" Harry asked. "You did not!"
"Yes…I did!"
"Then what does it say?"
"I told you!"
"No you didn't!"
"Erm…yeah, I did…"
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"Fine, tell me again!"
Draco sighed. "It says…" he said slowly. "I Love Viktor Krum!"
Another pause-
"WHAT?"
"I JUST TOLD YOU!"
"I know what you said!"
"So why the fuck did you say 'what'?"
"It does not say that!"
"Does too!"
"It can't!"
"Do you want me to take a picture of your arse and show you?"
"Uh…no thanks…"
"Then I win!" Draco announced triumphantly.
"Uh…Malfoy?" Harry said. "You didn't win anything!"
"Shut the fuck up!"
- - - - - - -
"Malfoy?" Harry asked slyly, glancing at him out of the corner of his eye.
"What, Potter?" Draco asked.
"I know what Gryffindor's next dare is going to be!"
"What?"
"I know what Gryffindor's next dare is going to be!"
"I know what you said!" Draco snapped. "I meant what is it?"
"It includes Krum…"
"You mean when he visits next week?"
"And you."
Yet another pause-
"Me? What about me? Why does it have to be me? I swear…you better not make me do anything horri-"
"You have to seduce Krum."
"-ble, I mean- I HAVE TO WHAT?"
"You have to seduce Krum. Period. Simple as that."
"That is not simple! That's disgusting! Absolutely revolting! Why the hell would I want to seduce someone with an ugly scowl on their fucking face all the time?"
"I know you don't want to, Malfoy! That's the joy of it all!"
"You mother-fucker!"
"May I remind you that I have no mother?"
"Still doesn't mean you don't dream about her…"
"You are a sick bastard, you know that?"
"I know."
"Which is why I'm still going to make you do the dare."
"I don't have to do it."
"Then you just lost for Slytherin."
"I did not!"
"Yes, you did! You said you weren't going to do it! The whole point of these days was to test how 'brave' we are!"
"I didn't say for sure!"
"Then are you?"
"No!"
"Then Gryffindor's win!"
"No! Wait…"
"Yes, Malfoy?"
"I…fine…but I'll get you back!"
"Sure…whatever…"
- - - - - - -
A week later, the whole school of Hogwarts was gathered in the Great Hall, eating breakfast. Everyone was chatting rather noisily, because the famous Viktor Krum was about to arrive at any moment. The only person who wasn't very excited was Draco Malfoy.
"Ooooooh," Pansy gushed in his ear. "Can't you wait? I didn't get an autograph from him last time…d'you think I could get one this time?"
"I could care less," Draco grumbled.
"What's wrong, Draco?" Pansy asked. "You seem so down! Maybe I can cheer you up tonight…"
"Ugh…" Draco muttered. Then, he forced a smile on his face and turned back to Pansy. "No thanks," he said. "I have a lot of things to do tonight…"
Things I'd rather not do…he thought dully.
Suddenly, the doors to the Great Hall swung open, and a figure stepped inside.
"May we welcome Mr. Krum back to Hogwarts!" Dumbledore announced, smiling warmly.
Everyone (Except a certain "unhappy" individual) cheered loudly, as Krum took a few more steps. He looked around, and then hastily made his way to the Gryffindor table, where he took a seat next to Hermione Granger and Harry Potter. Hermione blushed.
Hey! Draco thought suddenly. This isn't such a bad idea, after all! If I somehow manage to let it be known that Krum and I "got together", then my fame would go up as well!
"Hmmm…" he muttered, and then, got up and made his way down to the Owlery. He was just rounding the corner when-
He noticed a quill on the ground. It was long and black. Draco picked it up and looked at it. The quill also seemed to have a rather sharp end.
"Forgot a quill anyway," he told himself. "Might as well use this."
He had gotten all the way to the Owlery when he realized he had no ink.
"Shit!" he muttered angrily, and slammed the quill onto the piece of parchment he was holding.
The next thing he noticed was incredible pain on his hand.
"Crap!" he half-shouted. "Shit shit crap shit crap!"
When he was finally over his grumbles of pain, he finally dared to actually look at his hand and see what caused the few seconds of agony.
His hand seemed to be…well…just red. Just a pink tinge, actually…
But then, Draco noticed his parchment, and saw that something was on it. Something red…
A red dot.
That's funny, he thought. I don't remember getting any ink…much less a red kind…
"Hmmm…" he mumbled. Then, he took up his quill again, and made another mark on the paper.
"Fuck!"
Yes…this time, he noticed a red dot also appearing on his hand, before disappearing, and leaving nothing but a red smudge…like after a bee sting. Draco also saw that there was another red dot on the parchment.
He had heard about these quills before…they were meant for punishment. If you wrote something, the same words or marks also appeared on your hand, and then disappear, although your hand would throb. If you kept on using the quill, however, the encrypted words would stay, and bleed.
Where had he heard about it before? Oh yeah…Umbridge had been bragging about using it for Potter's detention…she must have dropped it when she had been rushing out…and now it was found…a year later…
Strange…you would have thought that Filch or any other person had found it before…
Draco shrugged. Oh well.
So now…he was in the Owlery, with a piece of parchment, a quill that kills your hand, and no ink.
Draco sighed deeply. So that probably meant he would have to use the quill…if he went to get another quill and ink, the Owlery would be filled by the time he came back…and he wanted to get this done tonight…
Biting his lip, he hastily began to scribble a letter, hoping that it would deduce the pain.
It didn't.
Dear ("OW!") Krum,
Would it be ("Arrgh!) all right if you met me next ("Crap!") to the statue of St. Peter III ("Shit!") at midnight tonight? (Here, Draco paused, wondering what else to say…and trying to nurse his stinging hand.) I would love to see you…I dream about you all the time…(Draco wrote this, smirking and grimacing in pain at the same time.) you can tell how much I care about you…as I'm writing this is blood! ("Oh yeah…I care about you a lot…" Draco muttered.)
See you tonight,
Draco paused again, and wondered if he should sign the note himself. Then, he thought about writing "Hermione Granger", just to make sure that Krum came. But no…what a better way than to get back at his rival…than playing a trick on him? It would be like Potter's own dare backfiring…
After all…Krum couldn't confront Potter after he got the letter…Potter had Head-Boy duties…
So Draco wrote,
Harry Potter
Now, the letter said:
Dear Krum,
Would it be all right if you met me next to the statue of St. Peter III on the third floor at midnight tonight? I would love to see you…I dream about you all the time…you can tell how much I care about you…as I'm writing this is blood!
See you tonight,
Harry Potter
Draco gave his "biggest" smirk yet, as he called a school owl down to deliver the letter. Oh, this just perfect…
- - - - - - -
Draco made his way to the third floor, cursing at the cold, and the annoying burden of having to carry a camera. After all…he had to prove to Potter that he didn't chicken out…
He silently crept to the statue, and saw a figure standing there. Deciding to just be bold, he made his way over.
"Krum!" he called, trying to sound surprised. "What are you doing here?"
Viktor looked surprised at first, but recovered rather quickly.
"I am vaiting for someone," he muttered.
"Ahhh…" Draco replied. "That's a coincidence, because I came here to meet someone as well!"
Krum looked at him from the corner of his eye. "Who are you vaiting for?" he asked.
"Ummm…" Draco pondered on how to answer that question.
"Well," he finally said. "I…er…I don't know…I…just got a message…that's all!"
"Oh."
Draco fidgeted, wondering how he was going to "seduce" Krum, when he was waiting for Potter.
Wait a minute…If Krum was waiting for someone…then he was waiting for "Potter"! Which meant that the mushy "love" parts had no effect of disgust on him…which meant he enjoyed the letter!
Which meant Viktor Krum was gay…
Or bisexual…he could be bisexual…
Eww…Draco thought. Viktor Krum…liking other men? But who would like him anyway?
Me.
No! Wait! I don't like him…I just want fame, that's all!
Yeah…sure…Potter was right…I do have a sick mind…
"So…er…" Draco cleared his throat. "Who are you waiting for?"
Krum glanced at him again.
"Why…do you vant to know?" he asked.
Draco shrugged. "Just wondering," he replied casually.
Krum kept on looking at him.
"Do you…promise you von't…tell?" he asked.
Draco grinned. "Cross my heart," he said.
"I am…" he started. "I am vaiting for Potter."
Draco raised an eyebrow. "I see…" he said slowly.
"Yes…you see…'e sent me zis letter…and I am coming to meet 'im."
"Er…what exactly is this…letter…about?"
A pause-
"Vell…it is more like…my dreams come true…"
Draco had to contain himself from gagging. His dreams come true? What?
"Er…" he said slowly.
"It is…Zis letter is…a love letter…"
"Ahh…" Draco said, indicating for Krum to explain.
"You see…Potter has been the only thing on my mind…for years…"
"Erm…" Draco really had no idea what to say. How in Hell was he supposed to seduce Krum now? When he had been having…well, dreams about Potter?
Not good, his mind told himself. Not good not good not good not good-
When all of a sudden, a candy bar flew out of nowhere.
- - - - - - -
Oblivious to both Malfoy and Krum, Harry had been watching the whole thing under his invisibility cloak. True, he hadn't heard anything, as he didn't dare go near the pair, fearing that they would hear him. However, he still could see the progress.
Which wasn't going well.
Nothing was happening, and Harry didn't like that. He wanted more action, more "doing things".
He wanted Malfoy embarrassed.
Which is why he grabbed the candy bar (that he had brought as a snack), took aim, and flung it toward the two wizards. He grinned broadly and closed his eyes, as if "scared" to see it land.
The next thing he heard was a sharp twack, Krum going, "Oof", and Malfoy yelling "What the fuck!"
He opened his eyes again, and saw Krum on the floor, massaging his head, and Malfoy staring at the candy bar, then at his surroundings, looking rather suspicious.
"Glad I didn't eat that," Harry muttered to himself. "Would have broken my teeth…look at Krum!"
- - - - - - -
Draco was really helpless right now. Here was the perfect opportunity to seduce Krum; by playing "caring".
But he had more matters on his mind.
Like who threw the candy bar.
Part of him knew it was Potter, and that he must have used some kind of Illusion Charm, or Invisibility Spell. If he seduced Krum right now…Harry would know that he had gone through with the dare, so he wouldn't have to take pictures. On the other hand, Harry would be watching, which wasn't a very pleasing thought to Draco.
Oh what the Hell, he though. Might as well…
He bent down next to Krum, who was still groaning at the "pain".
"Hey," he said softly, "Erm…are you alright?"
"I haff a bruise on my head!" Krum snapped. "Do you think I am?"
"Probably not…" Draco answered. "D'you want me to kiss it all better?"
Krum stopped massaging his head, and looked up at Draco.
"Vat did you say?" he questioned, looking at Draco warily.
"I said," Draco repeated. "Do you want me to kiss it better?"
"You are joking vith me."
"I am not!"
"Yes you are…you are vaiting for someone!"
"I was vai- er…waiting for you!"
"But I am vaiting for Potter!"
"You are waiting for me!"
"Vat?" Krum was clearly confused.
"I wrote that letter." Draco said calmly. "Not Potter. Me."
"But…but…why did you sign it 'arry Potter zen?"
"Because," Draco said, then paused. Why did he sign Potter's name? There was no point, seeing that Harry never knew about it…
"Because…I wanted to embarrass him…" Draco muttered.
"Oh…" Krum muttered, then he said, "Vell…you can!"
"Er…I can what?"
"Kiss me better."
"Draco stood agape, staring at Krum.
"Er…" he said stupidly.
"Come to me…" Krum cooed.
Draco's mind whirled. Okay…this is getting freaky…he thought. Krum is asking me to make-out with him, and do other God-knows-what things…
Might as well get this over with, His mind told him. You kind of have to…
He took a step forward-
And slid on something round.
"Whoa!" he cried, as he landed flat on his face.
He got up, his face twisted in a glower. Looking down, he realized that the thing he slipped on was a…ring…A rather sphere looking one as well. It was plain bronze, and seemed more like a ball than a flat ring…
Draco looked up to see Krum looking at him with a rather flabbergasted expression.
"I zought all Malfoys were…graceful…" he said.
"Shut it…" Draco muttered irritably.
"Vat did you say?" Krum asked, a scowl re-appearing.
"Er…I…er…ring?" He said, while handing Krum the trinket.
"Vat?"
"I'm…er…giving this to you…"
"Oh! I…I don't know vat to 'zay!"
"Er…don't mention it…"
"Okay…I've zought it over…I'll say yes"
"Er…what?"
"Yes."
"…Erm…yes what?"
"Yes to your proposal!"
"What proposal?"
"You 'anded me ze ring…did you not?"
"Yeah…I did…"
"So I say yes!"
"What?"
"Or…should I say…'I do'?"
"YOU DO WHAT?"
"Marry you."
"Marry- WHAT?"
"You have just 'anded me a ring…"
"Yeah…I did…"
"When you do so in England…does it not mean a proposal…?"
"A- listen buddy…when you give someone a ring, it does not mean a straight-away 'Oh let's get married'."
"Oh…but…"
"Just…be quiet…okay…let's just…do other things…"
"Like…what…?"
"Like this."
And with that, Draco pinned Krum to the wall, and leaned his face close to the other's.
"Tell me," he whispered. "How much do you want me?"
"I don't…know…" Krum gasped.
"Fine then," Draco smirked. "I'll just…leave…"
"No!" Krum said. "Just…"
"Yes?" Draco inquired innocently.
"I vant you…" Krum said.
"How much?"
"A…lot…"
"More than any girl?"
"Yes…"
"More than any boy…?"
A grunt.
"How about Potter?"
"Er…"
"Krum!" Draco snapped.
"Vat?"
"How do you expect me to kiss you when you're thinking about Potter?"
"Vell…I can't help it!"
"Oh…what the fuck…" Draco muttered, and rammed his mouth against Krum's jaw.
Krum…tasted…well…not-so-good. He was…bitter…and his lips were chapped.
Ergh…Draco thought. Must get him lip balm…
No…why would you get him lip balm? It isn't like you're going to see him again… No! Of course not…I just wasn't think-Draco's eyes opened in wide astonishment as he felt Krum's hands go down…down…to his robe clasp…He felt the clasp undo…and some rough feeling skin go in…
"WHOA!" he exclaimed, tearing his lips from the "unappetizing" ones.
"What the fuck are you doing?" he spat.
Krum looked surprised. "Vell…I zought you vanted me?"
"I…er…well…of course I want you…but…"
OOMPH"WHAT THE FUCK!" Draco shouted again, then, "P-P-Potter?"
"Hey…" Harry said, turning a deep crimson.
" 'arry!" Krum said warmly. "You came!"
"I…er…what?"
"No…Krum…" Draco said, scowling and rolling his eyes at the same time. "I sent you the letter…remember?"
"What letter?' Harry asked, clearly confused.
"Never mind it, Potter…the thing is, you're ruining our little 'moment'!"
"Your…ahhh…" Harry said knowingly. "I'll…just…go…"
"Wait…how the hell did you get here anyway?"
"My…er…invisibility cloak…"
"You have an invisibility cloak? Wait…Hogsmeade…"
"Er…yeah…"
"So what did you do? Just decided to 'crash' into us?"
"No…I just…kinda…fell…asleep…"
"You…fell asleep…"
"Er…yeah…and I guess I started to sleep walk…"
"Okay…"
"Yeah…I'll…go…"
He turned and started to walk away.
" 'arry!" Harry turned.
"Yes…Krum?" he asked.
"Vill you…er…take a walk with me…tomorrow night?"
"Krum!" Draco hissed angrily.
"Vat?"
"You…" Draco sighed. "Never mind…"
"I…er…" Harry said uncomfortably. "Er…I gue-"
And at that point, he slipped, just like Draco had, and went flying. "Whoa!" he yelled, before flying head first into a marble column.
"Ow…" he moaned.
" 'arry!" Krum went rushing to his side, "Are you…okay?"
"Er…lip balm?" Harry said weakly, handing Krum a small cylinder from the ground.
" 'arry!" Krum exclaimed. "I've been wanting one for ages!"
"Then why didn't you just buy one?" Draco muttered cantankerously.
" 'ere…let me 'elp you…I'll take you back to the Gryffindor tower…"
"Er…thanks…" Harry muttered, turning red again.
Krum pulled Harry to his feet, and then gently aided him down the halls.
Everyone seemed to have forgotten about Draco.
Fuck! He thought angrily. There goes all my ideas for fame…the stupid Potter just has to have it all…doesn't he?
Not this time…
Draco started after the pair, shouting,
"Hey! That's my fiancée!"
Fini
- - - - - - -
A/N: The ending was a bit strange…I just thought that it was getting a bit too long, so everything ended up being a tiny bit rushed xD Besides that, I think it was alright. I kind of tried too hard to put humor into it .. but I'm pretty sure its grammatically correct, at least -
Please review x33