Hey! Finally, I know, I posted….And did everyone read the last book? That ending? OMG! So morbid and depressing! Yeah, yeah, I know that's the point of the entire series, but somehow, it's lost its whimsical funniness…but never fear! No character death in this fanfic! Well, maybe. Or not. Hm…
Also, please excuse any typos. My cat is swatting at the keyboard as I type. 2www 5tgr ….Thanks, Minnos.
Olaf sneered at the three children in front of him. Finally, he had those orphans in his clutches! No meddling guardians to save the day, no hooked-handed, fashion disaster, androgynous, mime-imitating sidekicks to create loopholes in his master plan. Just him and the brats. Now, how should he go about with this? He was surely unrecognizable in his BLOCKBUSTER uniform, so should he rip off his name tag and reveal his true identity? Or make them pay the late fee first? Mwa ha ha ha---
"Olaf, we know it's you, and that nametag isn't fooling anyone. As well, BLOCKBUSTER's newest campaign is to eliminate late fees, and besides, our film is still within its renting period. You're also talking to yourself."
Olaf snapped out of his reverie, and tried to figure out which of the Baudelaires had piped up. They all had such similar, squeaky voices…he winced as they continued to talk.
"Windex!" Sunny peeped, which meant something along the lines of, "What have you done with the custodial staff? The employees? The manager? The customers? The air-conditioner repairperson?"
"Yes!" Klaus cheeped in his pre-adolescent voice. "Where the hell is everyone?!"
"Now Klaus," Violet clucked. "Don't use both a question mark and an exclamation point at the end of your sentences."
Olaf rubbed his eyes. Was he seeing things? His vision swam, and the Baudelaires morphed into…chickens? He grabbed a random tape and desperately shoved it into the VCR, trying to get something to distract him. Meanwhile the Baudelaires were squawking "BACAW! BACAW!"
"BACAW!" Sunny cried in her half-English, trying to say 'backwards'. The tape Olaf had grabbed had been the scary-evil-freaky-creepy one that the Baudelaires had watched in their mountain cave. As Olaf was shoving it in backwards, it wouldn't go, and the VCR would soon break if he did not stop. Sunny had a plan that, if they could divert his attention with the tape, then she and her siblings could escape from Olaf's almost-clutches, and possibly take a few packs of microwaveable popcorn with them.
Fortunately for them, Olaf was so distressed from his poultry hallucinations (caused by lack of sleep and an excess of Clorox fumes) that getting away would be easy. Klaus, however, the nerdy but ever-heroic Klaus, wanted to stick around and rescue the custodial staff and also find out what cleaning products they were using for his research. Violet just wanted to get a move on to the cruise she had won (though, mechanical genius that she was, she still didn't get that it was all a trap leading them to the video store) but could be persuaded to use this a pit-stop to stock up on nutrition-devoid supplies. So, while Olaf was having a fit, the siblings consulted eachother and decided to go on the side-quest of saving the employees of BLOCKBUSTER. Maybe they'd get a coupon. Yay.
"Hello, what's this?" Klaus said, pickup up a DVD on the floor. The Baudelaires had started searching the video store for the employees of BLOCKBUSTER and this dropped film could have been their first clue.
"Klaus! That's Gigli! The 38th worst movie of all time, according to IMDb, the Earth's Biggest Movie Database" Violet cried, a horrified expression on her face.
Klaus' face visibly paled and he flung the offending piece of cinematography away immediately. It his a door 15 metres away marked 'employees only' and left a visible dent (hey, when your life is at stake, you get superhuman strength). There was an audible 'Ow! By bose! By Booooose!' from behind the door. The Baudelaires shared a look and headed towards the door.
"Is anyone in there?" Klaus said, asking his most redundant question ever.
"Byes!" Came a nasal voice.
"What?" Sunny said, which meant something along the lines of, "what".
"B—" the nasal voice started, but was cut off by another.
"Oh shut up and let me do the talking! Hello? We're the custodial staff, employees, manager, customers and air-conditioner repairperson—"
"It's ok to say 'repairman' if I am a man."
"Ahem. As I was saying…and the air-conditioner repairer, and we're all locked in the 'Employees Only' room. Anyway, as this is a large fire hazard and because we're running out of oxygen…could you get us out, please? We'll give you a 10 discount…" the voice ended off pleadingly.
Other the other side of the store the Baudelaires heard Olaf crying out in a strangled voice, "Chickens! Chickens!"
The siblings looked at each other, then at the wide array of films to choose from.
How could they refuse?