Stinkbomb, Kaiba?
It was to be a glorious pranking, one unmatched by any other in the history of Domino, daringly targeting the off-limits and imposing Kaiba mansion. Except that Joey and Téa got lost inside the unnecessarily large house.
Part Four of Four – Blatantly Leaving
"This is the stupidest idea ever," Téa grumbled.
It was a very, very quiet grumble.
She honestly wanted to die as she heard Seto Kaiba shuffle across the room, yawning once, heading for the sink. The water ran, and the unmistakable sound of someone brushing his teeth filled the room. She cringed every time he passed near her; the closet was ventilated with downward slits in the door. She could see him, although he couldn't see her unless he lay on the floor and looked upward. Luckily, he hadn't the slightest suspicion she was there, and lying on the floor wasn't an activity he generally partook in.
He walked past; she cringed. But he was headed for the shower; he reached in and flicked the water on, still brushing his teeth. Oh God, she thought, the color rushing to her face so rapidly she could swear she was giving off heat waves. He was going to shower while she was right there, not ten feet away!
Kaiba walked back to the sink and spit out the toothpaste, rinsing quickly. Téa watched; he didn't bother to check his reflection in the mirror, but she noticed something odd about his teeth. Good Lord, I think Joey's been here…
He stepped over to the shower now; Téa noticed his towel hanging on a hook next to it. Thank goodness for that, at least. Maybe he wouldn't need his bathrobe after all.
Kaiba stripped off his shirt in one quick motion, before she could look away. She clapped her hands to her eyes before he took off his pants, but not without getting a good look at his chest first. Holy shit, he must work out… No wonder he could always shove Joey away so easily. She could vividly picture him using those taut muscles to rip her limb from limb when he found her hiding in here.
A new, even more terrifying thought occurred to her. What if he thinks I'm a perverted fangirl spying on him? She didn't think she could take the humiliation. She pictured all the tabloids: 'Best Friend of Yugi Moto Caught Peeping on Seto Kaiba in Shower!' Being torn from limb to limb was starting to look pretty good.
Her hand trembling slightly, she reached behind her and dislodged a towel from the stack. It was nice and big – perfect. Unceremoniously, Téa draped it over her head, trying to hide her face.
Joey sat on the desk next to the telephone, staring off into space and feeling relieved about his very close call. After a few moments, he realized he was staring blankly at Mokuba's math book. "Oh no!" he panicked. "What if he needs it for school today?"
Knowing that Mokuba was already awake, he bolted from there as fast as possible, hoping he wouldn't encounter anyone coming down the hallway. He found a side passage, and was already halfway down it when he realized there were no doors. It can't be a dead end…
Joey reached the end, wondering if he should turn back, when he noticed a control panel on the wall. Since his situation looked pretty much hopeless, he decided to push the button in the middle. His hand was still encased in the latex glove, and his finger stretched out and pressed the green button in. It lit up right away, and with a low whooshing sound the whole wall slid open.
Joey stared blankly at it for a moment. Only in the Kaiba mansion would such a weird thing happen, he decided. Especially since the wall just revealed… another wall. And another control panel.
What the hell? he thought as he stepped in and pushed the other button. Immediately, the first wall slid closed, and the second wall opened. He stepped forward, seeing a sort of mesh covering. And beyond the mesh net…
Seto Kaiba raises birds
There were maybe two or three dozen of them on perches and another two dozen dozing in nests. Joey's jaw dropped as he surveyed the setup. He didn't recognize a lot of the birds, but there were a couple of parakeets, a bunch of canaries, and some green things. Also, at the end, there were three bigger birds: two parrots and a weird-looking thing he didn't recognize.
"Well, well, well," he murmured, taking a step forward. He searched for the control panel, but didn't find one; a second look showed that there was a slit in the mesh that he could step through easily. It fell into place behind him, preventing any birds from escaping; even if they did, that handy wall system was obviously designed so that they couldn't fly straight out. So Kaiba was just as obsessive about his little pigeons as, oh, everything else in his life.
Joey started to approach one of the canaries, wondering if the birds' wings were clipped, but froze as his bare foot was half-an-inch from the ground. He hastily pulled it back, and inspected the floor for bird poop. "Disgusting," he murmured, making a face. He was sure that Kaiba had someone clean this place every day, but it apparently hadn't been done yet. His sneakers been hanging by their laces from his neck all this while, but Joey quickly shoved his feet back into them and stepped forward again.
He reached out to stroke one of the birds. The canary watched him coming, then decided that it didn't recognize Joey. With a screech, it beat its wings and rose into the air, flying to a perch on the other side of the room and settling comfortably there.
"So they haven't had their wings clipped," he mused aloud. "Interesting…" his eyes darted to the doors. "I wonder if there's any way to prop these open?"
For one wild moment, Téa thought Kaiba was actually singing in the shower. Then, when her blood pressure settled back down, she became aware that no song had such colorful vocabulary.
In the middle of swearing fluently, Kaiba apparently threw something at the shower door, because she heard a loud thud. That wasn't quite enough to satisfy him, and he kicked the wall a few times. Her eyebrows rose; she wondered if he'd discovered his green teeth yet, but that was unlikely. It was probably a new prank. Thanks, Joey, she thought ruefully.
She couldn't see him (thank God), but she heard Kaiba frantically scrubbing at something. It seemed like an eternity later when the water shut off and the shower door slammed open. He stomped out – she closed her eyes again, until she was sure he'd picked up his towel. Hoping he would just leave the room with the towel, and forget about a bathrobe, she peeked. The towel was slung haphazardly around his waist, and he was rubbing his hair in annoyance. Kaiba let out a low growl and stomped over to the linen closet, flinging it open before she could even gasp.
Seto Kaiba's morning had started out like any other, but when he stepped into the shower, he quickly discovered there was something terribly wrong with his shampoo.
"The hell?" he originally grunted in surprise when his hands came in contact with the sticky substance. His language and his patience rapidly deteriorated as he tried to get the malfunctioning shampoo out of his hair. He scrubbed at his hair, rubbed some soap in it, rinsed it, added more soap, threw the shampoo bottle around, scrubbed some more, and kicked the wall a few times. His eyes flashed: however this had happened, the culprit would die (unless it was Mokuba).
That brought up an interesting point: how, exactly, had someone swapped his shampoo for honey? He'd just hired some new staff a few days ago. It had to be one of them. Mokuba wasn't quite this vicious with his practical jokes – he was more of a whoopee cushion type – and if it had been his little brother, Seto was sure he would already be able to hear Mokuba's giggling. And none of his permanent staff would be brave enough or suicidal enough to try something like this.
Running his hand through his soaking hair, Seto grimaced. It wasn't perfect, but it was the best he could do until he got his hands on some real shampoo. Swearing revenge, he shut off the water and grabbed his towel, drying himself briefly. The rest of my day had better not go like this, he thought darkly. Flinging the towel over his hips, he stomped over to the linen closet and threw the door open, his hand automatically reaching for his bathrobe.
It wasn't on the hook.
He stared. His bathrobe seemed to be floating in midair, quavering slightly. Slowly, he reached out and pulled it close to him. Someone – a girl, from the looks of it – had been holding it in front of her body. Now that he took it, she stood there like a statue. She was wearing jeans and a plain black shirt. Her hands were encased in latex gloves; she was wearing no shoes, just absurd blue socks with grinning yellow ducks; and there was a towel over her head.
Barely believing this, Seto reached out to pull the towel from her head. The girl's hands immediately reached up and grabbed the towel, keeping it firmly over her face.
Seto let out a menacing growl, his face slightly red. What the hell had this girl been doing? Spying on him? Another desperate fangirl? And, possibly, was she responsible for the honey in the shampoo?
He reached out to forcibly rip the towel from her head, but the sudden movement dislodged the loose towel from his waist and he had to jerk his bathrobe in front of his body a split-second before the towel hit the floor. The girl made a sudden, choking noise, and behind his blush Seto shot her a death-glare. She better not even think of laughing at him, because he was going to kill her… as soon as he got dressed.
Turning his back to her, he quickly shrugged on his bathrobe and pulled it very, very tightly shut. Spinning around, he growled, "What do you think you are doing in my-"
That was as far as he got. His eyebrows shot up, and his face began to twitch.
"What are you-" he tried again, weakly. His hands shot behind him and grabbed his rear end – it was on fire! The horrible itching spread to all parts of his body. Gasping, he flung himself back into the shower, lunging for the cold water tap.
Téa was shaking so hard she was about to collapse; but all of a sudden, Kaiba went stiff. His hands reached behind him and he uttered a small moaning noise. Then he dashed into the shower, and the water came on a split-second later.
For a moment, she was too shocked to move. What the… she wondered, before it clicked. Joey. Again.
For the first time that night, she was thrilled with Joey. Kaiba slammed the shower door closed, flinging the offending bathrobe over the top a moment later. She started to sprint for the door, but some instinct stopped her. Slow him down, a little voice whispered. She turned around, once again skidding on the slippery floor, and snatched up the bathrobe. Then she was gone, bolting for the staircase.
"Fly, fly, my pretties!" Joey said impatiently, waving his arms at the birds. He ran at a group of parakeets, but they fluttered out of the way and settled on the other side of the room. He heaved a sigh. "Stupid birds," he muttered. It had taken a good deal of effort to pin the mesh net back, and to carry enough books back from the library to prop both walls open all the way. The birds had a clear path to freedom, but they wouldn't move.
He weighed his options – he had a stinkbomb in his backpack; what if he let that loose in here? Maybe the damn birds would leave. He unzipped it, and had removed the stinkbomb, when he heard running footsteps above him, and a door slammed.
"Téa!" he shouted happily, and dashed from the room, jumping over the stacks of books and making directly for the staircase. He nearly crashed into Téa; she was wearing a towel over her head and carrying a bathrobe.
"Joey! Finally!" she gasped in relief. "Come on, Kaiba knows we're here! We have to get out – now!"
"The security system-" he began.
"Already did it. Here!" She threw the bathrobe at him. "Put that over your head so no one can see you and let's go!"
Recognizing it as the bathrobe he'd doused with itching powder, he quickly turned it inside out before draping it over his head. It billowed out like a cape as he followed Téa down the staircase. "Out the front door!" he said, pointing the way. But even as he said it, security guards materialized, blocking their way.
"What the-?" one of them asked, astonished.
"It looks like kids," another said.
"Oh, no-" Téa moaned.
And then the sprinklers came on.
In the immediate confusion that followed, Joey grabbed Téa's wrist and dragged her into a side hallway. "I think it doubles around," he whispered. "I saw another hallway next to the front door – I think that's where it comes out." Realizing that he was still carrying the stinkbomb, he chucked it back into the midst of the security guards. Their cries changed from "Fire!" to "What's that smell?"
"I wired the sprinkler system," Téa whispered to him, almost proudly.
"You- did?" he asked, shocked. "You're kidding me! Way to go, Téa! I think you've just allowed for our escape!"
Though he couldn't see her face under the towel, she grinned. "There's the door!" she said, pointing. They broke into a dead run; Joey reached it first and flung it open. As they escaped into the misty dawn, Joey threw one last glance over his shoulder and saw dozens of agitated birds, disrupted by the sudden water falling, flying all the way from the aviary on the second floor to the main hallway, terrorizing the security guards and household staff.
Kaiba barreled downstairs, wearing what looked like his bedsheet – he must have been in an awful hurry – and started to chase after them, but one of the disturbed parrots flew into his head and sent him to the floor (cursing fluently).
"We're free!" Joey said in triumph. "We're-" he stopped suddenly when he saw the gate. "Oops."
"This cannot be happening!" Téa cried. "We've come so far!"
"Keep running!" he advised. "Maybe we can scale the fence!"
"Joey, are you kidding?" she demanded. "Look at that thing! It's all vertical bars!"
Joey obliged, and looked at it. "Is it just me, or is it glowing?"
Téa nearly tripped over her own socks as she stared at it. "It is glowing! And it's opening!"
"Ruuuuun!!!"
The two of them literally dove through the narrow opening and immediately collapsed in exhaustion. The towel tumbled off Téa's head as she rolled in the dirt; Joey threw off the bathrobe. The gate lost its golden glow and slammed shut.
Téa inhaled deeply, and choked on the dust. She flopped on her back and stared up at the slowly-lightening sky. A shadow descended on her and she grinned weakly. "Hi."
"You… are… my… savior," Joey gasped out, rolling over and giving his 'savior's' knees a tight squeeze.
"I did not know the Millennium Items could do stuff like that," Téa said, staring at the gates.
"How did you find us?" Joey asked, still hugging the legs.
"I replayed your message on the answering machine," Yugi said, staring down at his two friends. "And I think you guys have a lot to explain."
Téa lived far from the Kaiba mansion and far from the school. She'd left her backpack at Joey's house the previous night, knowing she probably wouldn't be able to stop at home. She and Joey changed into their school uniforms at his house, and even had time to scrub clean their faces before Yugi called that it was time to go. The three of them headed for school; Joey and Téa sheepishly exchanged stories about their adventures.
"…so when we left, the sprinklers were going, the canaries and parakeets were flying around, Kaiba was trying to wash off the itching powder and wearing a sheet, and the stinkbomb was slowly permeating the house," Joey finished with a dramatic flourish. He slung an arm around Téa's shoulders. "You and me – that's teamwork. Tristan is going to be so jealous," he dreamily echoed his thoughts from a few hours ago.
"I am never, never doing something that crazy again," she told him, dropping her head. She stared down at her socks, hoping it would be a long time before someone stumbled upon her shoes in that one empty room.
Joey and Yugi ambled directly into first-period class, while Téa detoured into the gymnasium and grabbed her gym sneakers. She slipped them on, trying not to think about how ridiculous they looked with her duckling socks, and padded back to the classroom. She saw Kaiba headed for the same room in the opposite direction, his face twisted into a furious scowl, and gulped. Please don't recognize me, she pleaded silently.
Something about her bright red face must have caught his attention, because he looked her up and down. She tried to dash into the classroom, but he grabbed her arm. "Nice socks," he whispered threateningly.
It took a minute for her brain to process this. What the hell? "Thanks?" she tried meekly.
His icy eyes narrowed. "Very… distinctive."
…Oh.
Téa nodded quickly, trying to escape. His fist closed tighter around her arm. She looked at his snarling face, and opened her mouth to plead for her life-
His teeth were still green. And, before she could stop herself, she burst out laughing.
Joey heard Téa cracking up in the hallway, and wandered out. He received a momentary shock when he saw Kaiba grabbing Téa like he was going to kill her, but immediately he started snickering too. "Hey, Kaiba!" he said brightly. "You've got canary shit on your shoulder."
Kaiba dropped Téa like a red-hot iron and swiped at his shoulder, getting the dried droppings all over his hand. Joey doubled over, trying to control his laughter, and Téa hid behind him, her hand over her mouth. "Laugh it up, Wheeler," Kaiba growled, taking a menacing step forward. "You won't think it's so funny when I murder you in your sleep."
"Come on," Téa whispered in Joey's ear, tugging him into the classroom.
"Do you think he's really going to kill me?" he asked between guffaws. "Funny; I thought he'd just threaten to arrest me and throw me in a maximum security prison for the rest of my life."
"I thought so too," she said softly, watching the door to make sure Kaiba wasn't going to come in. "But then I realized – can you imagine the trial? We snuck in his house, painted his windows, changed his security system, and messed with his personal hygiene? Kaiba would rather die than have that publicized. Especially when there's no evidence other than… well, my socks."
Joey stared at her, and a grin blossomed on his face. "You are so right! This is excellent! We got off scot-free!"
"I wouldn't say that," she murmured, watching Kaiba finally enter the classroom. People had trickled in bit by bit. Tristan dashed in at the last minute and threw himself into his desk seconds before the bell rang.
"What's the rush? It's just study period," Joey said, giving his friend a shove. "And if you'll excuse me, I have a history paper to finish. Well, to start, actually."
Téa rolled her eyes as he pulled out a pen and a fresh piece of paper. He placed the tip of the pen on the paper, beginning to write…
And the pen exploded, sending a jet of black ink directly into his face. "What the-" he spluttered, jumping up. "I'm blind!"
Yugi and the teacher rushed to his aid with handfuls of tissues. Téa smacked her forehead and shot a glance at Kaiba, who was smirking so widely she was afraid his face would split. "We're going to get off scot-free, all right," she mumbled sarcastically. She'd just have to check for tacks on her chair every time she sat down.
Joey's face was stained in a black mask. He glared at Kaiba; the boy was leaning back triumphantly in his chair, looking victorious as the majority of the class snickered at Joey. On his way back to his seat, the blonde 'accidentally' knocked over Kaiba's briefcase, which popped open on the floor, revealing the two rag dolls.
The rest of the students, mostly confused by now, hid their laughter behind heavy textbooks. Kaiba and Joey exchanged death-glares. I hope his breakfast was very yummy this morning, Joey thought maliciously. Especially his coffee.
Téa sighed; why did she have a funny feeling that this was only the beginning?
Unfortunately, although it may be the beginning of a new competition between Joey and Kaiba – and I don't mean Duel Monsters – it is the end of this story.
To answer someone's question, Téa wired the security system for the whole day; it's automatically switching tracks even as time goes on. It no longer matters, but it proves how awesome she is, and it's bound to confuse Kaiba even more. :P
Thanks to everyone for reading! I hope I made you laugh. In return, if you could drop me a quick review, I'd really appreciate it. Take care!
--DarkShadowFlame—
P.S. – If you're sad that this story is ending, you might like another one that I wrote, called Fifty Ways to Make Joey Wheeler's Life Miserable. It's another practical joke fic, involving the same three main characters. Actually, I have a feeling many of you already have read it!