Chapter 6: Light Our Darkest Hour

Standing in front of Bruce Lee, Batman, and Winston Churchill was someone they've seen before…sort of. He wore a fine green suit, purple tie, and brown shoes. He had bright blonde hair cut in a mullet. In is hand was a suitcase.

"Hello you three" The man said "Some call me the Q-Man"

Meanwhile, in the sky, the superheroes had joined the fray and The Hulk had just leapt up and smashed a Flying Xeno, or Flyno, with his massive fist. Spiderman had tied a bunch of them in a ball and tossed the heap to Thor, who laughed and crammed it with a Fusion warhead and punted it northward, past the horizon. Suddenly, all around the Badasses, a giant white wall burst up from the ground and started to envelop the sky in a dome. The guys looked around as they noticed the Xeno's have disappeared. This lead to extreme confusion and Thor yelling very loudly. Soon the blankness started to engulf the ground. The Space Marines fired randomly at the space to no avail. After everything disappeared under the Badasses, all the Badasses then disappeared. The Q-Man walked calmly back into the installation and closed the door.

Gordon woke up in a small cell. No, scratch that, not a cell: A pod. Left only in his hazard suit, Gordon tried to move his arms. Nothing. Legs weren't moving either. Freeman, fed up with this twelve and a half seconds of immobility, turned on his flashlight. Setting the illuminator from "Bright" to "Headlight" and finally to "HOLYCRAPLASERGUN", he cut the lower part of the pod off, sending him plummeting into a bottomless pit. He was about to scream but everything just stopped. In front of him, the white words "Loading" appeared out of no where. After a few minutes, he landed on flat ground, did a roll, and remembered that the fall had broken both his legs. He then recalled what the G-Man had said during boot camp.

"Mr. Freeman, if you are in any need of…assssistance. I'd advise you to press this button on your suit. It has…a secret weapon. Be warned, you can only use it once." He had said all those hours ago. Resigning, he pressed the button.

Unit-576-B walked along the catwalk, looking down at the pit of bottomless-ness. The Combine were assigned to this intergalactic prison a few days ago to guard and monitor the Badasses. Now that they were out of the way, the Metaverse was defenceless. 576 looked around a corner and saw a white doorway emerge out of thin air. He walked toward it, only to see the very thing that he feared most. The true Badass, the ownerer, the beginning and the end. He grabbed the Combine by the scuff of his armour and raised him above his head. The gold hanging on the demi god's neck shown bright in Unit-576-B's eyes. The last thing the guard heard was: "I pity you!"

It was looking pretty bad for Gordon. His legs were banged up, that stupid HEV suit lady wouldn't shut up. Casually, he got up and tried to walk towards, well, anywhere but here. He was in total darkness, with only the rechargeable flashlight for company. Suddenly, a massive spotlight blasted the scientists eyes with light. He then saw about 40 Combine come out of no where, hefting Pulse rifles and aiming right at him. Pretty fed up at this point, Gordon was ready to bust some heads with his bare hands. Suddenly, the left most guard disappeared. Inspiring orchestral music played in the background as the mysterious character ripped, clawed, broke, maimed, and otherwise owned the entire group of Combine. He then stepped forward for Gordon to see. It was Mr. T, and he was mad as hell.

You see, Mr. T is the original Badass. He ruins other people's shit constantly, plus he beat cancer by drinking milk and ripping the mutant cells out, one by one, with a quantum singularity attached to an M-16. Pressing the button would naturally release the most awesome, most killer Badass ever to grace the Earth. Giving Gordon back his trademark crow bar. T then disappeared into the mists of time. This was now Gordon's fight, and he intended to finish it.

The Q-Man was pretty pleased with himself. Looking around the section at which all of the universes intersected (A waffle house in western Mississippi) and sat down, grabbed a newspaper, and ordered a drink. He had outwitted the G-Man and his horde of awesome. So, he grabbed his Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster and took a sip. "It looks like the conquering of the Metaverse was to come to pass sooner then I thought." He said to himself. As he flicked through the personal ads, he noticed that the doorway to the waffle house was blocked by a rather orange looking man. He wore glasses, wielded a crowbar, and looked pretty damn pissed right the hell off. Q-Man quickly grabbed his briefcase and drink and ran for the window. Gordon threw himself after him, smashing past some other Omnipotent beings and chased after the bastard who ruined his day. The fine Italian suit the man of Q had been wearing was riddled with glass has he broke through the window via jumping through it. This didn't deter the man with a PhD in theoretical kickassery, as he broke through a different window for the hell of it and chased after the other guy. Crossing traffic, Q dashed into an alleyway, fleeing for his very life. It takes a special type of person to spark fear in the omnipotent.

Climbing a fire escape staircase, the Q-Man found himself on a rooftop. No where to run, so he tried opening a doorway. No luck. Looks like the G-Man had sabotaged his powers after the whole "enveloping his army" incident. In a last ditch effort, he yanked out his manual doorway opener. It was random, but anywhere was better than getting freaking ripped apart by a geek with a pry bar. A white door opened up and he leapt in. Gordon saw him enter the mysterious portal, and jumped in after him.

Leaping out, he looked around. The portal had opened up in a winter setting, with what looked like an office building ahead. Suddenly, he was pushed down by a horde of Earthen troopers, running for the windows and a doorway. Gordon fell out behind him and recognised the hive of scum and villainy around him: It was CsOffice. Pressing B on his suit, he bought a P90 and aimed it at the Q-Man. Not willing to be turned into Swiss cheese either, Q opened up another portal and leapt in. Gordon bought some extra ammo and a grenade and jumped in after him.

The portal shuddered an out came the Q-Man, unsure of his surroundings. Human architecture again, it looked like early or mid 2500's to him. Suddenly, a black shape ran past him. He decided this was the best time to run like hell. He went through a doorway just as two humans were about to lock it.

"Wait! Please!" He yelled as he slid though the door just in time"

"What are you doin' man? I thought all the colonists were dead!" One of the humans asked. He remembered this from intergalactic history. A series of words on the wall confirmed it. They read "Shake and Bake Colony: LV-426"

The Q-Man had told the marines that he was a new arrival and didn't get the dermal chip the others had. He also said he worked for the company, Weyland Yutani, and that they would get a bonus if they protected him. They told him that something had gone wrong on LV-426, and that aliens had taken over most of the colony. This was bad, but at least he might be able to get Gordon killed by wither the infestation or the Marines themselves.

Speaking of which, Gordon took this time to miraculously appear out of no where. Due to an unfortunate coincidence, that's exactly when a group of aliens decided to walk through that area. Gordon got up, raised his crowbar, and got to work. One leapt at him, but was stopped cold with a crowbar blow to the head, knocking it askew. Another jumped, but was hit with a mighty roundhouse to the chest area. Gordon decided that he wasn't going to dilly dally any more and went ape shit on the foe. He ripped apart one with his hands, despite that the aliens have acid for blood. He just wiped it off on the things head and whipped out the P90. It turned the two other beast into garden mulch pretty damn fast. He then walked calmly to a display panel where the facility's layout was conveniently shown. He then hurried to meet with this scum once and for all.

After a heroic escape. Q man escaped to the landing pad where a dropship had been called down. He was assisted by some chick, a synthetic human, and the last remaining marine. Just after the woman went down with all the remaining weapons, grenades, and flares to get that stupid kid out from the Alien hive, Gordon walked calmly out from behind the dropship where he had waited. The marine walked in front of Gordon.

"Sorry, he's with me." He said. Gordon simply smiled and grabbed the man's arm, twisting it. Hicks, the marine, kicked Freeman to the ground and pinned him with his knee. Things looking pretty bad, the scientist reached to his crowbar, and slapped the marine with all the force of a rusty metal shaft. Hicks fell sideways, unconscious. The robot dude was next, programmed to protect the members of the company. A mighty left hook left Gordon dazed, but he was still able to scissor kick the android right in the sternum, or the robotic equivalent of a sternum. Bishop, the android, leapt in the air with a flying knee to the face, but Gordon dodged, and laid his own brand of smack down to the robot's back with his crowbar. While it was down, Gordon reached into his neck and pulled out the power cable. Bishop went down, and then there were two.

Q-Man was pretty scared now that a trained marine and a fully functional android were both taken down by a nerd with a crow bar. He wielded his briefcase like a sword and leapt at Gordon. A few slices and he got the idea. This lead to the second greatest swordfight of all time. A few parries and the Q-Man was open. Gordon went in and freaking' backhanded him with his crow bar. Q went down, but not before pulling the grenade Freeman had bought from his belt and pulling the pin. He held the handle, waiting for him to make the next move. Gordon, now a little wary, backed up and let the Q-Man get up. Then came another flashback to a simpler time a few chapters ago. It was a very short interchange which wouldn't be worth writing about if this fight was ever turned into a story, but Gordon distinctly remember Optimus Prime giving him something. He reached into his back pocket and pulled it out.

Of course, the Autobot Matrix of Leadership! The very thing that could kill Unicron, the giant planet eating Transformer. Gordon hefted the device in front of him and saw the look on the Q-Man's face. Fear. Genuine fear. He was afraid of the Matrix, and he should be. Now how did Optimus say to open the device? Was it a pull? A push? Were there buttons that needed pushing? The One Free Man god fed up and just smacked the Q-Man with the Matrix. It hit him hard, sending the grenade up and him down.

5

Gordon reached for the Q-Man

4

He searched the fallen scum's pockets

3

He found the manual door thingy

2

He press the "Open the damn thing" button

1

He fell though.

0

The last thing the Q-Man ever heard was the sound of Ripley getting her shit ruined.

Gordon found himself on that stupid god damn train again. The G-man was there, along with a trusty blackboard with some chalk.

"Welcome back, Mr. Freeman, I'm glad you were able to finish off those pesky Xenomorphic crazies, but I had no idea that the one you know as the Q-Man was behind the whole thing.

"Where are the others?" Gordon wrote.

"Oh they're fine, returned to they're respective realities. The men that were turned into squids were turned back, and everything has been returned to normal."

Satisfied, Gordon wrote "What about me"

G-man laughed and said simply "We'll have more uses for you later. Right now, it's better that you get some rest. There will be a new job soon, an important one at that. Well, I'll be seeing you."

And with that, the G-Man walked through the celestial exit and left Gordon on the train to read the same issue of Reader's Digest he had last time. God damn, Gordon really needs to invert in a Game Boy.