Disclaimer: All Law And Order: Special Victims Unit characters and namesakes are the property of Dick Wolf / NBC.

Author's Note / Warning: This story contains an original character that plays the love interest of Casey Novak. The story deals with the relationship between Casey and my original character, and it is told from both of their perspectives. I had a very specific storyline in mind that I felt could not be realized by pairing Casey with an existing SVU character, thus the creation of Det. Seth Bauer. This is not intended to be a Mary Sue story, and I can only hope that from the writing and characterization, this proves to be true.

A/N/W: From Chapter 7 on, the themes become slightly more adult in regards to violence and sexual content. Nothing explicit enough to warrant an M rating, but just a heads up to readers all the same.

Chapter 14: Three Years Ago
December 18th, 2:38 PM

"Three years ago, I was still working out of Brooklyn and I had just been promoted to the Narcotics squad," Seth began.

"Okay," Casey said, encouraging him to continue. Seth's speech was slow and he was finding it incredibly difficult to talk. He closed his eyes and swallowed, his mind spinning.

"It was a very different time in my life. I hadn't even been in uniform that long and already I was playing in the big leagues. Everything was happening very fast, and I was pretty scared. I was scared about making a good impression. I was scared about doing my job correctly and not looking like a total ass. And Emily, she..." Seth's words trailed off, the room suddenly going silent. Casey gave him a peculiar look.

"Emily...?" she asked after a moment.

Seth closed his eyes again, tilting his head back and sighing. He was trying hard to make sense of everything in his mind before recanting it all to Casey. Deep down he knew there was no way he'd ever really accomplish such a goal, but he was going to tell her what he could, despite the chaos in his brain. She had been through hell because of him, and this was his only chance to try and rectify things.

"Casey," he suddenly said in a dry voice, opening his eyes and looking straight at her. Casey was startled by Seth's abrupt tone, and she had looked at him with fearful and questioning eyes, waiting for him to continue. Finally, he spoke again.

"I was married."

Casey's expression changed, her face becoming dumbfounded. Seth looked away again. "Married?" she said back to him, shocked by the sudden bit of news.

"Yeah," Seth said, still unable to look at her.

"All right," Casey began, trying to maintain her composure. "And you were going to tell me this...when?"

"I know, I know. You have every right to be pissed. I know this doesn't make any sense, but I just couldn't talk about it before now. It was...too difficult."

They both remained silent for a moment. Casey folded her arms across her chest, drawing her legs up onto the couch. She had a stunned look on her face and Seth could feel her eyes penetrating him.

"Well," Casey began again. "What happened?" She sounded angry and Seth could almost detect the slightest hint of jealousy in her voice.

"She died," he said flatly.

The words rang in Casey's ears, and she gave Seth a pained expression. "Oh," she said in a small, soft voice.

The room had gone quiet again, the wind continuing to howl outside Casey's small and cozy living room. Seth gave her a moment to process the information. "Do you want me to continue?"

Casey licked her lips, and tried to shake away her shock. "Yes. Of course. I'm sorry...please, go on."

"Emily and I...we met in college. We starting dating sophomore year and eventually got married a few years after graduation. She became an elementary school teacher, and I joined the force the year after we graduated. Things were so different back then...we were kids, really. She was the first girl I had ever really been in love with, and our lives completely revolved around one another. We had all these big plans for the future, you know? All these silly, clichéd ideas about what married life would be like – the house out in the suburbs, lots of kids, the white picket fence, you name it. Our whole lives were ahead of us and everything seemed so perfect. I was loving the job and being married to Emily. Every night we'd fall asleep holding each other, talking about where we'd be ten years down the road...twenty years, thirty years. We were so young and stupid and hopelessly in love.

"A few years later, I got promoted out of uniform into Narcotics. We were trying to have a baby, and things got real hectic for me at work. Suddenly, there was no time for anything, and I was constantly having to choose between her and the job. But she knew...Emily knew how important the promotion was to me. She knew how scared and inexperienced I felt, and she was there for me twenty-four seven. I cancelled so many dinner plans with her, it wasn't even funny. And after awhile, we both began to wonder if we'd ever get pregnant. I was always at work, trying to show my bosses what a great team player I was, when in reality I was doing all the scrub work. I'd come home late at night and tell Emily that we'd made some big bust, like I was some kind of hero. When the truth was, I had sat in the car watching the other guys take down the perps while I called it in on the radio. And Emily knew that too, but she played along. I'd crawl into bed next to her and she'd touch the side of my face and call me her 'big, brave man'."

Seth paused, taking a deep breath and collecting his thoughts.

"Anyway, there was this one night, three years ago, that we were supposed to go to this play with her parents. As usual, I was working late on a case and I called to tell her I wouldn't be able to make it. We had planned the damn thing a month ahead of time, and there was no reason I couldn't have gone. I gave her the same old excuses, but she knew better. I guess she'd had enough at that point, and she just wanted me to do what I said I was going to do for once. We started yelling at each other on the phone, and she hung up on me. I was too full of stupid pride to call her back and apologize. I stayed at work, figuring she'd go to the play with her folks and I'd make it up to her somehow later. Like I always did...

"Emily was really mad at me, and she called her parents and told them we had to cancel. She even covered for me, giving them the same B.S. excuse I'd given her. She was always like that, Emily. Always taking care of me, always doing the right thing and putting up with all my crap. I loved her for that, but I was so young and dumb and I thought we'd have forever together. I always thought there'd be another day to figure things out...another day to tell her I loved her.

"Emily cancelled the plans with her parents, but she still went to the play by herself. I don't know why. Maybe she was trying to get back at me somehow. I always told her not to go into the city alone at night, and she almost never did. Except that night. She was pissed at me, and for whatever reasons, she went to the show alone while I stayed at work."

Seth paused again, wiping his brow. His breathing had increased, and in his mind, he knew there was no turning back. Casey sat on the other end of the couch, staring at him with nervous eyes.

"So the show got out late and Emily started walking home. We only lived a couple of blocks from the theater, but again, I ALWAYS told her to take a cab at night if she was by herself. But she didn't. Maybe she was just mad, maybe she was trying to prove something to me. Maybe when I got home later that night, she was going to try and scare the crap out of me by telling me what she had done. Maybe then I wouldn't have taken her for granted so much any more.

"But she never made it home that night. She was one block from our apartment when some GUY grabbed her and dragged her into an alleyway. It was late and no one was around. She was all by herself, walking down the street in the dark in the middle of the night."

"Seth...no," Casey said softly, tears beginning to spill from her eyes.

"He raped her," Seth continued, the tears falling from his eyes as well. "He raped her and beat her and then he...he slit her throat and left her for dead in a pile of garbage."

Casey gasped, her hand going to her mouth. She couldn't speak or move.

"We had...talked about those kinds of things...when I had joined the force. I told her, you're supposed to scream and yell 'fire', so people will look out their windows. I don't know what happened. She may have screamed, she may not have. But after he was...DONE...an old woman in one of the buildings happened to wake up. I guess she went outside to the fire escape to have a cigarette. She had looked down into the alley, and she thought someone was being mugged. She yelled at them and the guy took off. He had already cut Emily's throat by that point and she was bleeding to death. The old lady called the police and they arrived a few minutes later. Emily died on the way to hospital. I wasn't even notified until after they had brought her body into the morgue."

Seth stopped speaking, a soft moan escaping his lips. Everything seemed so BRIGHT in Casey's living room, and he felt like he was in a dream.

"Seth," Casey started. "My god...I – I'm so sorry. I can't...I don't even know what to say. I can't imagine what that was like for you. Did they ever catch the guy?"

"No," Seth said, wiping at his eyes. His voice was shaky and his body was trembling. It felt like he could barely catch his breath. "They never caught him. No one in the area even saw him, except for the old woman. And she was five flights up. The alleyway was unlit and for all she knew, it could've been stray cats or something. He had used a condom, so there was no DNA evidence...no murder weapon...nothing. The case went cold after four months."

"That's so horrible, Seth," Casey said, crying. Her words were covered with sobs as she choked back tears. "I didn't know...I had no idea you'd been through something like that."

"Emily died...she was murdered. I can't imagine what she went through...lying in that dark alley...in the trash...while he..." Seth stopped himself. He had been down that road too many times, imagining what it had been like for Emily, and he didn't have the strength to say the words. "So, she died...and I had my precious little job in Narcotics. I don't know how I got through it...I buried myself in my work, and after a while, I put in for a transfer to a Sex Crimes unit. I stayed in Narcotics for a few more years, and now...here I am."

Seth didn't need to elaborate on the rest. Casey's mind quickly put the pieces in place, and everything began to make sense. Her heart ached for him, and she couldn't stop crying. She reached for the box of tissues, trying to get a handle on her emotions. She was near hysterics, but she wasn't going to allow herself to lose it in front of him. Casey blew her nose and offered the box to Seth. He pulled out a few tissues and dabbed at his eyes and wiped his nose.

"I honestly thought I could handle this job," Seth continued. "But obviously, I can't. I thought that dedicating my life to catching these kinds of criminals would change things somehow. I saw a psychiatrist for a while after Emily's death, but it didn't help much. All the anger and the guilt and the sadness...I had to deal with those things on my own. But I wanted to make SURE that when my transfer went through, I'd be okay with this. I didn't want to go out there every day, seeing Emily's killer over and over again. I thought I could find a balance of some kind...but I guess I never imagined what falling in love again might do to me."

Casey gave an awkward smile, not looking at Seth. "It's my fault," she said. "This whole thing is all my fault. If you hadn't of met me, none of this would have happened. You-"

"NO," Seth said forcefully, looking at her. "This is NOT your fault. Don't you dare say that, Casey. YOU are the innocent one in all of this. I'm the one who kept things from you. I didn't know what the hell I was doing, and I never should have allowed myself to fall in love with you."

"Allowed yourself?" Casey asked, giving Seth a smart look. "I hardly think that falling in love is something you plan on or allow yourself to do. Believe me, I could check my date book right now and guarantee you that 'fall in love with new detective' isn't ANYWHERE in there."

Seth chuckled lightly. The sound of his laughter made Casey feel worlds better, if only for a short, fleeting moment. "You know what I mean. After Emily died, the last thing on my mind was ever falling in love again. I didn't even think it was possible, nor did I really care." He looked at Casey, smiling. "But then, something very strange happened – I met you. I met you and everything changed. Not only did I find myself attracted to someone for the first time in years, but I couldn't stop myself from flirting with you whenever I saw you."

"Yeah, I have that effect on men," Casey said with a sad smile. Her eyes were red and swollen and her nose was stuffed. "And I have a really nice rack," she added as an afterthought.

Finally, the tension in the room broke and they both laughed, the scared and nervous feelings flowing out of them. In her mind, Casey remarked how close laughing was to crying. After a moment, the room became quiet again and the sadness began to slowly creep back in. Casey slid across the couch, lying up against Seth and holding his hand.

"I felt so guilty," Seth said. "Every time I saw you, I'd get all giddy and nervous like a little kid. But there was always this voice in my head making me feel horrible for feeling that way, like I was cheating on Emily. But I wasn't cheating on her. Emily was dead. As much as I tried to tell myself that I had to move on, I was just so...conflicted inside."

Casey squeezed Seth's hand reassuringly. She was still reeling from everything he had just told her and she couldn't help feeling hurt by the fact that he had kept so much from her. She still loved him, but she was confounded by his secrecy. "But why didn't you tell me about any of this, Seth? Why didn't you trust me enough to tell me these things?"

"You have to understand something, Casey. It was never about not trusting you. After Emily died, I buried so much of this with her. I tried to go on with my life, and I did what I had to in order to keep living. It's not that I didn't want to tell you...I just couldn't bring myself to actually say the words out loud until now. I wasn't prepared for any of this, and I kept waiting for the time to be right to talk about things. But I see now that I was just avoiding it. And the longer I waited, the more I knew it was just a matter of time before this blew up in my face. I mean, look at where we're at now. It took almost losing my mind before I could tell you the truth. After all of that, how can you still want to be with me?"

Casey gave Seth a pitiful look as he paused, seeming disgusted with himself. "But as hard as this has been for me...all the guilt, all the doubting and worrying and secrets...in spite of all of that, I do love you. I thought I could never feel this way again, and when I fell in love with you, it was like I was a different person...and I couldn't understand that at all. What I felt for you was it's own special thing that had nothing to do with what I had felt for Emily, and I was happy again. I guess knowing that is what made me feel so guilty...like I was betraying her memory by moving on with my life."

Casey's face was bewildered and she searched for the right thing to say. "You lied to me, Seth. I guess I can forgive you for that, but only because I understand things better now. I can't say that I'll ever be completely okay with this, but I know that I still love you, too. Like I already told you, that's not going to change." Casey placed her hand over Seth's heart, looking him in the eyes. "Someone once told me that when you find that one special person, you have to decide if it's really worth being with them despite what may seem like insurmountable odds. Well, I found that person in you, Seth...and I want us to deal with this together. We can get you the help you need to overcome this...you don't have to face it alone anymore."

Casey forced a nervous smile and Seth didn't respond. He pulled away from her slightly, looking down at the floor. Casey's smile instantly disappeared.

"Don't, Seth," she said. "Please...don't shut me out like this." Casey's eyes became animated, brimming with tears once again. "Doesn't it matter how I feel about all of this?"

"Of course it does, Casey...but you don't know what you're saying..." Seth moved away from her to the edge of the couch. His face was contorted, full of angst and pain. "We...we can't do this. Look what I've done. I thought I could control this and I can't. I almost killed a guy because of something that happened in the PAST that has NOTHING to do with you. What if I do something worse next time? What if there's some perp who threatens you or hurts you, and I actually kill the guy? What if I go after you next time?"

Casey's teary eyes went wide and she looked at Seth, not sure if she had heard him correctly. "What? Why would you even think that? You'd never do something like that, Seth. That's ridiculous..."

"It's not a risk I want to take. I care too much about you to put you through anything more or anything worse than I already have. I'm sorry, Casey."

Casey leaned forward, grabbing Seth's shirt. She had started to cry again, her voice becoming frenzied. "Seth, no. That doesn't matter. I understand now. I told you, this doesn't change anything. We can get you help."

Seth pulled away again. "You can't help me. Don't you see? I'm not right...I'm not right in the head. This whole thing is sick. We can't live this way. You don't deserve to live this way."

"Seth, no..." Casey said again. The tears were flowing full-stream from her puffy red eyes and her voice had become high-pitched and childlike. She grabbed Seth's shirt with both fists. "What are you saying to me, Seth? What are you saying?" Casey nearly screamed. She lowered her head and pounded on Seth's chest with her clenched fists. She was sobbing uncontrollably again, knowing in her heart what Seth was trying to do. "No...NO! We'll get through this! You and me, together! Don't do this, Seth! I love you! Doesn't that mean anything to you?"

Tears began to slowly spill down Seth's cheeks once more. "I'm sorry," he whispered again, closing his eyes and putting his forehead against Casey's.

"You're...breaking...my heart," Casey said through choked sobs.

Seth slowly pulled away from her, turning and standing up. Seth stood over her, his whole body stone. "I know," he said, looking down at Casey with a mixture of guilt and affection. His breathing had slowed back to normal and his eyes seemed empty. "That's why this has to end. Not because of you, Casey, because of me. I know, in my heart, you would always be there for me. But the way things are now, I can't promise you the same thing. It's not fair to you...I've already lied to you and betrayed you. You're just too good of a person to see what a bastard I really am. I'll only hurt you, Casey...like I'm hurting you now."

"Seth, please! Listen to what you're saying! It doesn't make any sense! I'm RIGHT HERE, Seth! Don't tell me what I want, because you're wrong! I'm not giving up on us, so you CAN'T give up on us either!" Casey was almost hyperventilating, unable to comprehend what was happening. She never could have imagined things ending up this way, and Seth's bitter words felt forced and unreal. There was a sharp knifing pain in Casey's chest, and she wasn't sure if she could even stand up. She stared at Seth through wide and unbelieving eyes. He took a few steps back, around the side of the sofa. He looked at her in a way that gave her chills, speaking words that pierced her heart.

"You don't need me," he said softly, the room suddenly seeming cold and empty. He knew Casey wasn't going to let him go, and in his mind it was the only way to make things right. "I don't want this anymore. I don't want you anymore."

The door slammed shut behind her, the deafening silence that followed quickly filling the entire apartment. Casey sat motionless on the sofa, her mouth slightly agape. Her heart was pounding in her chest and the tears on her cheeks were just starting to dry. Casey stared down at the floor, a mixed expression of pain, fear and shock settling across her face. She turned, looking over her shoulder at her apartment door. There was a slight ringing in her ears, and she could feel the heavy and fast thud-thud-thud of her pulse pounding in her temples. Her eyes bulged slightly in their sockets and again she looked at the apartment door. He was gone. He was really gone. The first man Casey Novak had ever truly been in love with had just walked out of her apartment and out of her life.

Casey eventually leaned back on the sofa, her right hand slowly sliding across her stomach, stopping and resting there. Her face seemed old and her eyes stared blankly out the window at nothing, her head a million miles away from the cold day brewing outside. One thought kept encircling her numb mind, the shock from Seth's exit still stinging her soul. But he doesn't know, she thought to herself in a frightened inner voice, her hand caressing her soft belly. He doesn't know...I'm pregnant.