This is the final chapter!
I have the feeling it's not going to get any better by me agonizing over it for another couple of days – or maybe I just don't want this to end! I had such a great time! Now I want to thank every one of you who reviewed. Reviews make your day and keep you going, there is nothing like it. Special thanks to the really faithful reviewers: jjbird, JackofSpade, pealee, NightMage, Tiantian Wang, Mariel 3, agentspade, makemyday! If I forgot anyone come after me and hit me on the head with a stick!
When they step out of the elevator the lights are still on. And while Sam opens the door to Jack's office and slips inside, Vivien finds Agatha still at her desk, still at her favorite pastime – going over old cases.
Agatha watches Sam disappear into the office and says:
"A shame that the blinds are drawn."
"You are disgusting."
Agatha laughs. Vivien has started to like her better since she found out that Agatha spent a lot of time gathering information for Jack's search.
"I would like it even better if he had found her because of something I dug up."
She swivels around in her chair. Strands of hair are escaping the bun she keeps them in. Her designer costume looks rumpled. But she doesn't seem to care. There is a teasing look in her eyes, but it is no longer nasty as it was before.
"Big love story going on there, huh?"
"Agatha, what are you still doing here?"
"Oh, I had a feeling I'd get a chance to stick around for the last act."
"The last act is none of your business. Don't you have a life? What about a boyfriend?"
"I can't find anyone who suits me."
"No surprise there", Vivien mumbles under her breath.
Agatha looks up at the ceiling.
"You know, Vivien," she says, "There are so many of these old cold cases around. Someday I'm going to work them fulltime. Someone has to do that."
Agatha's green eyes which usually appear hard and polished are suddenly steady, deep pools, looking into abysses Vivien only knows too well. There is a fire in them. She knows then that the last four years have not gone by Agatha Brown without leaving traces. In a way Jack has gotten to her.
Agatha has started to care.
"Come on, Agatha," Vivien says. "I just opened a bottle of red wine. You can share that with me."
ooo
Jack stares at Sam. His hands close around a small box to hide it from her view.
"What's wrong? What are you doing here?"
His tone is gruff.
Sam seems not to be taken aback by that. She wrings her hands a little, searching for words, coming up blank and finally settling on the unmasked truth.
"I forgot to tell you that I love you."
There is no visible reaction from him.
"I decided I want to stay with you."
Now he looks worried.
"My apartment is not in a good state, Sam."
What did Vivien say? Spell it out?
"I don't care about the state of your apartment. I just want to be with you."
Jack looks stunned.
"I forgot to lock the door," is all he manages to say.
"What door?"
"The door to the hotel room. Nick wouldn't have gotten inside if I had locked it."
"Wait a minute, Jack. What are you talking about?"
"I forgot to lock the door after you let me in," he explains patiently. "It was an old hotel. The doors had handles on both sides. He could open it from the outside."
He sounds like a man who knows he has no chance to escape the death-penalty anyway.
"Is this what it's all about?" she asks, "You think you forgot to lock a door?"
"He would never have gotten inside if I hadn't."
Sam stares at him. She understands that it is just like him to tear himself apart over a detail like that.
"Jack, Sonia told me he took the spare-key from the reception. The night-clerk was asleep. They found the key in the door, Jack."
He looks at her as if he has not heard her words.
"Jack, please. You are not responsible for everything. You locked that door. You thought it was safe."
He draws a very shaky breath, passing a hand over his eyes.
"I should have gotten you out of there."
Sam goes to him and sits down in his lap.
"Well, you did," she says.
His arms go around her drawing her closer. Her face comes to rest against his neck. She can smell him. It is a good smell, deep, very male. She places her lips against his skin, kissing him, moving upward, placing one more. Also a way of spelling something out.
Jack makes a sound deep in his throat.
Then he starts to cry.
Sam feels an ache deep inside. Straightening up she straddles his legs, bringing their bodies into full contact, cradling his head to her chest. He clings to her as if there is no tomorrow. That is one of the things that life has taught Jack Malone – that sometimes, in fact, there is no tomorrow. He feels her touch on the tense muscles in his neck and his shoulders where no one has touched him in more than five years and barely stifles a moan. Then he hears her voice telling him that everything is okay, that everything is fine, that she is here now. Telling him that she loves him. And it is not so much hearing the words but the tone in which they are spoken that tells him that she will never love him despite of what he does and what he is and what he has become, but because of it.
Her body is pressing deeper into his and he feels a desperate response rise in his groin.
It is good that Agatha can not see them.
ooo
Jack is fumbling for the keys with one hand. If someone would ask him in what state of mind he spent the last days he would have described it as a kind of madness, a short-circuit.
He is holding on to Sam's hand. His grip is so hard it almost feels numb. Sam does not mind at all.
Finally the door is unlocked and he leads her into his apartment, where nothing has changed since his wife left with most of their belongings five years ago. It is barren, untidy and needs a proper cleaning more than anything else. Jack decides he will get to that first thing in the morning.
"Wow," Sam says, „You've got a lot of packed stuff. Looks like you're about to move."
Jack looks guiltily at the stacks of moving-boxes, taking up a whole corner of the living room.
"My storage area was already filled with my father's stuff and I decided to just put them there."
He bows his head, fiddling with the keys.
"Those are your things, Sam. I wanted to hold on to them in case you came back. I hope you don't mind?"
She is almost moved to tears but does not let him see that.
"So you moved my stuff in here and expected me to stay with Vivien?"
He smiles a bit sheepishly.
"Well, I love what you've done to the place."
"You have never been here before, have you?"
"No."
"I just remembered a dream I had a long time ago. You came to look for me here." He stops and frowns. "It was not a very happy dream."
"How come?"
"Oh," he does not really want to go on but she looks at him, and he remembers the things he heard in the tone of her voice an hour before. She will not judge him.
"In the dream I tried to kiss you, but you started to struggle. I didn't want to let you go, but I had to eventually."
"What happened?"
"I don't remember any more. But I felt horrible. I felt that I had violated you. I held on to you for too long."
"You didn't hold on to me for too long. If you hadn't Nick would have killed me. Probably sooner rather than later. Like he killed Eleanor."
"That is not what I meant," he mumbles, ashamed of himself.
"I'm not responsible for your dreams, Jack. Whatever you dreamt was of your own making."
She looks around.
"Where did that happen?"
"What?"
"The kiss. Where did it happen?"
He points to the sofa. She sits down and looks up at him.
"Okay, now do it one more time."
He hesitates, but she is smiling. So he comes and sits beside her. He puts an arm around her shoulders and sees the complete trust in her eyes.
"I'm sorry about before," he says.
"Hey, I was not part of that dream. No need to be sorry."
"No, not the dream. In the office. I didn't want it to be that way for you. It was sort of frantic."
She moves her body closer to his, cupping his face with her hands.
"I wanted it to be that way for me," she says, her eyes twinkling. "What makes you think I didn't enjoy every moment?"
His relief is so evident she almost laughs out loud.
"It was not exactly romantic," he says.
"What do I need romance for?" she says, not telling him that romance for her is being able to trust him, not being afraid of his touch, not having to flinch away from him anticipating the next hit. Not telling him either that their frantic act in the office was a life-creating one. She can feel that.
"So, what about the kiss?"
He leans close, covering her lips with his and feels her respond with fervor. She does not struggle to get away from him as she did in his dream. So Jack finally lets go of his fears. He lets himself get swept away.
ooo
He awakens in the early morning hours. Their bodies are tangled into each other. He can hardly feel where he leaves off and she begins. Her hair is spread on the pillow tickling his cheek.
Jack feels deeply at rest.
Her eyes open and she snuggles closer to him.
"One more time?" she whispers.
ooo
After one more time it is time for breakfast. Jack goes through the depth of his refrigerator, finally coming up with something that is worthy of her. While the coffee is making its way through the coffee machine he digs in his suit jacket for the little box. He looks at it for a while, leaning against the counter in his cheerless kitchen thinking that this is not the right time. He places it on the tablet together with the eggs and the coffee. His heart is beating so hard he almost feels sick.
The sunlight is coming in through the window when he enters the bedroom. Her hair looks golden and there is a glint in her eye. She eases back against the headboard and looks up at him, expectantly. He sits down and places the tablet between them.
"Is everything all right, Jack?" she asks, sensing that everything is not.
"Yes."
"You are not regretting anything, are you?"
"Oh god, no."
She checks out the food.
"What is this?"
"Eggs, bread, jam. I didn't have anything else."
She picks up the box.
"Jack…"
He does not speak.
She opens it and looks inside.
"You had no time to think of something like this, let alone buy it," she says quietly.
When he does not answer she asks:
"Was it for someone else?"
She looks into his eyes and finally reads the answer there. Something inside her is sliding in disbelieve.
"For me?" she whispers, "But when did you buy it?"
"Five years ago," he says.
"But you guys say I was with Martin five years ago."
"Yes I know you were. Now. I didn't know then. I think I wouldn't have bought it if I had."
She is out of words.
"I know this is not the right time, Sam. It has just been so long. I had to get this of my chest, kind of. You don't have to take it, of course. I'm sorry."
She offers him her hand.
"I'll take it. You have to put it on."
So he does, in a kind of daze.
She reaches out for him. He is aware enough to put the tablet down on the floor before he lets himself get lost in her.
The coffee grows cold. So do the eggs.
Epilogue
Vivien reaches the cabin in the early afternoon. It is Jack's and Sam's last weekend up here before heading back to New York. Jack is due again at the office on Monday. He steps out on the porch when he hears the car and comes down the stairs to greet her.
He is looking good. In fact, he is looking ten years younger than last time she saw him. It seems as if a weight has been lifted from him.
Years later she will ask him what it was that changed things in the aftermath of Sam's return. She sensed that something fundamental had happened. It was not in the way he worked, not in the way he cared, not even in the way he let things get to him – it was in the way he dealt with it afterwards.
He will listen to the question, smiling to himself and not answering for a while. Finally he will say:
"I found out that I did not fail her. I did the right thing by her. Not as before…"
He will stop talking then, tears in his eyes, but Vivien understands. She knows he is not talking about the end of their affair or not being there for her in the time after. Neither is he talking about failing in his marriage or about all the people they did not find over the years. He is talking about his mother.
"Hey, Vivien," he says, hugging her, „I thought Marcus was coming, too."
"He couldn't make it. Work."
She shrugs her shoulders.
"Where's Samantha?"
"She went into town to get a few things. She'll be back, soon."
"Well, I'm glad you manage to let her out of your sight from time to time."
"I'm a wreck until she gets back."
It is meant as a joke but Vivien can see the strain in his eyes.
They settle down on the porch. Shortly after that Danny arrives with his wife and his son, followed by Martin and his newest girlfriend, a cop working homicide with the NYPD.
They decide to go boating on the lake while the sun is still up.
Finally Sam comes back, looking radiant in jeans and a bright red top. She hugs Vivien enthusiastically and orders Jack to take the groceries to the kitchen. He has to settle for a careless pat on the cheek, but Vivien sees their eyes connect and the way they look at each other.
The last to arrive is Agatha, looking out of place in high-heeled shoes and a white suit. She looks around.
"Nice," she says with a tone that implies she is used to better. She follows Sam to the kitchen to help her with the food. There she takes off her sunglasses and fixes Sam with a surprisingly alert stare.
"You are pregnant."
Sam looks at her.
"It's true, isn't it?"
"We've only known for two days."
"Is Jack happy?"
Sam smiles to herself. She did not really know he had that side to him. She has never seen him blissful before.
"Yeah," she says.
Sam still does not know what to make of Agatha. She is a bit too exalted for her taste, but she knows that Jack likes her. That is good enough for the time being.
Sam turns around, beginning to prepare the salad.
"Those scars are healing really well. You will hardly be able to see them in a couple of months."
Sam's head drops slightly in annoyance. Maybe she should have put on a regular t-shirt after all. She turns to Agatha crossing her hands over her chest.
"You know, Aggie, why don't you go and talk to my husband. I'm sure he will appreciate your comments."
Agatha flinches at the use of her nickname. She puts on the sunglasses.
"Nice ring," she comments, wandering off in search of Jack.
It is a good evening. Sam has not been among so many people for a long time and after a while she feels one of her headaches coming up. She is still not as strong as she would like to be. So she settles down in a lounge chair, watching Danny play ball with his son and Martin, and Agatha taking a stroll along the lake with Danny's wife and Martin's girlfriend. Agatha has discarded her shoes. The hem of her white trousers is getting dirty. She does not seem to mind. Martin told Sam that she is currently talking his father into opening a Cold Case Unit. She might even succeed.
Jack and Vivien are sitting nearby, talking. Sam watches Jack. She loves the way his face moves. He is smiling easily these days.
She fingers the ring he gave her. She thinks about the time when he bought it. A time when she was convinced that everything was over between them. It makes her feel good that he never let her go. Not even then.
ooo
A cool breeze from the lake is blowing in through the window, moving the curtains.
Jack pushes the covers down, relishing the cool air on his skin. Sam is starting to moan beside him and he moves closer to her, taking her in his arms without waking her, his hand resting on her stomach where their child is growing, his lips touching the scar on her temple. It is three o'clock in the morning and this is her time for nightmares. She usually sleeps through them. He always wakes up.
After a couple of minutes he feels her relax and her breaths become even again.
Jack is happy. He is also afraid. He knows if anything ever happens to her and the child his life will be over.
He closes his eyes.
He will have to live with it.
THE END