Disclaimer: I don't own 'The Phantom of the Opera' (the book OR the character).

Erik peered behind him as he quickly punted his gondolier to his house on the lake. No other boats, thankfully. He turned to his two passengers. "We'll be arriving shortly. If you see any of...them...let me know."

Christine and Raoul, huddled together on the gondolier, nodded fervently as Erik propelled them closer and closer to the house on the lake. They weren't exactly thrilled to be back at the opera house, but things had gotten to be too much. They had taken over, and they were making their lives miserable.

It was all insane, really. They were everywhere. They made Christine and Raoul's lives miserable and completely un-canonical. I mean, really, is there ANY indication that Christine is a slut in any form of canon, despite the fact that she is made into one in so many fanfictions? And what indication is there that Raoul would cheat? Or become an abuser? Granted, he is annoying, but when did that ever mean 'evil, evil man-slut'?

Anyway, Christine and Raoul were lucky enough to know a certain person who lived underground, isolated from the world. He'd had his own troubles with them, so he knew their troubles. Plus, he'd agree to any excuse that would mean Christine staying in his house. So he allowed them to come stay with him until things calmed down.

As soon as they reached the shore, Erik tied up the boat as Christine and Raoul hurried inside. As soon as he was done with the boat, Erik quickly went inside and bolted the door behind him. Hopefully, that would be enough...

Christine was pacing around nervously as Raoul try to calm her: "They can't reach us here, darling. They're not going to find us so far below the opera house, especially with a lake blocking the way."

Christine nodded fervently, but she continued to pace. "I know, I know, but I keep feeling as though they'll return and find us here." She looked up at her former voice teacher. "We'll be safe, won't we? You have all sorts of traps that will stop them, don't you?"

Erik sighed. "We can only hope."

Christine and Raoul's eyes widened. "What? What do you mean?"

Erik gave her a helpless look. "My traps don't work on them for some reason! And there not even in the places they should logically be! I could've sworn that my chamber of mirrors was set up next to the house, so that I could look into it if anyone entered, but for some reason it's underneath the opera house lobby now."

Raoul furrowed his brow. "Why on earth would you need to protect the lobby?"

"I don't know! For some reason, they all think I used it to trap you for about five seconds after the masked ball after you and I jumped into it. I mean, the lobby! And the chamber of mirrors is supposed to be insanely difficult to get out of, so how on earth does anyone get out of it in under 30 seconds!"

Raoul groaned. "That's the point. None of them make sense."

Christine was not at all happy with this. "But...but there must be other traps!"

"Well, there is the singing voice coming out of the lake trick. But for some reason, that doesn't work anymore. For some reason, they don't believe it exists."

Raoul sighed. "So there aren't any traps left?"

Erik snorted. "The only one is that grate that comes down on people while they're underwater. Which has the off-switch located a foot away."

"What!"

Erik shrugged. "Blame Joel Schumacher. He just wasn't content to give Batman visible nipples."

Raoul sighed. "This is insane. Ever since all of these...these...Mary Sues showed up, nothing's made any sense. And they keep talking about 'the fire'. What fire!"

"I repeat: blame Joel Schumacher."

Christine groaned. "Why do they keep coming back! And why do they always insist on making me seem like a slut, a rotten bitch, or a helpless rodent?"

Erik shrugged. "Because all of their characters need to be reduced into overdone clichés. Plus, you have some Canon Sue qualities, which gives them a ton of fodder."

Christine was about to reply when all three of them heard a sound that, to most, would have sounded beautiful, if not exquisite. The sound of a young, female voice floated towards them, singing softly. Her voice was reminiscent of a light breeze passing across tiny, crystal bells. To most, it would be the purest, most exquisite noise they'd ever heard.

To the three canon characters it was more horrific than Carlotta during the toad incident.

Christine was horrified. "No! No! It can't be! No!"

Erik ushered Christine to the back of the house, knowing d after Raoul. "Try and drive her away! Most Sues hate you, so she might leave if she thinks you're the only one here."

Raoul nodded, and then proceeded to change from Canon Raoul to Foppy Raoul. Sues hate it when he acts more obsessive over clothing than they do. He figured that ought to work.

Meanwhile, the young female continued to sing.

"Night time, sharp pins

High tense each sense nation

Dark nest spurs

And lakes in magic nation

Sigh Lent Lee the densest

Abandon their white fences"

Raoul wrinkled his nose. What on earth was she singing?

All of a sudden a bright light appeared in the distance, and moved slowly closer and closer to shore. As she came closer, Raoul saw the cause of all the singing punting a gondolier with ease. Because, you know, punting an entire boat, along with yourself, is always easy. The gondolier as amazingly similar to Erik's, except that it was...purple.

Even odder than the boat itself was its passenger. She was wearing a dress that, on the surface, looked like it was of Victorian style. However, there was no one in the Victorian era that would be caught dead wearing a dress that exposed the shoulders AND had a V-neckline AND had a slit up the side AND exposed the woman's garter. Because if they did, they would be mistaken for prostitutes, a fact Mary Sues tend to ignore.

As the boat glided swiftly closer (cuz it's sooooo easy to punt a boat wearing a dress), Raoul caught a glimpse of the Mary Sue's face as she was making her way to shore. She had enormous blue eyes, like the water of the purest ocean. He raven black hair gathered in loose curls around her very long neck. Her maroon lips curved so that she seemed to always be smiling pleasantly. Her pale skin was reminiscent of pure milk.

And she was wearing black eyeliner, black mascara, dark eye shadow, and lipstick. Even though that would also label her as a prostitute the second she went out in public.

She stepped onshore and looked around, smiling pleasantly, and glanced at the house on the lake.

"Oh where oh where is my darling Phantom?"