I felt a little silly when I wrote this. Somebody, please feel free to take the lyrics and write it into a different story. If it stinks, I apologize. If it makes you laugh, I'm happy, let me know. I'm not used to writng funny stuff: that's Chaos' specialty. My job is to kill characters and write scenes of horror and devastation. I listened to this song by Savage Garden, and suddenly saw the entire Slayers cast doing the lyrics, almost literally, in my head. My last few fanfics have been too grave, I think. I expect flames. Incidentally, while Xelloss starts the song, he doesn't really sing through the rest of the fic. Just to show how needy of sleep I am, I might have missed a few characters. It's just for fun so I made it it as silly as possible. (Like that pic of Rezo leaning on the head of a very pissed Zel, wearing reading glasses and reading a book...) Incidentally I pick on everyone here, no favorites. Well, I tried to. The only ones I didn't do anything horrible to are Martina and Zangulus. I didn't know what to do to them...and I didn't pick on Chaos for a change. You guys do that often enough for me. (By the way, Chaos, Mom is asking about your love life. I mean, if I'm not getting married, you should.) And if Chaos-chan says I'm evil, I agree wholeheartedly. I'm sure the Slayers cast would after this.

-Shadowdancer

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I want you

Any time I need to see your face
Enter Xelloss sitting in a tree singing, relaxing

I just close my eyes
Rezo pops out from the bottom of the screen, filling your line of vision, holding two fingers up in a victory sign.

And I am taken to a place where your crystal mind
See Gourry in front of World Map, with a thought balloon revealing emptiness and sweatdrop.

And magenta feelings take up shelter in the base of my spine
Lina, wearing scholar's outfit, pissed, stomps up to him and punts him out of the classroom.

Sweet like a chic-a-cherry-cola.
Pan to a scene of Zel sipping a can of Cherry Coke, watching Gourry fly by.

I don't need to try and explain
Enter scene of Amelia, starry eyed and obviously having caught sight of Zelgadiss.

I just hold on tight
She hugs herself tightly, cooing, "Oh, Zelgadiss-sama! I love you!"

And if it happens again, I might move so slightly
Zel sees her, sees her do it again, moves away, that hunted-deer look on his face.

Into the arms and the lips and the face
Suddenly, all you see, in stop motion, is Amelia kissing Zel, her arms wrapped tightly about her victim's neck.

Of the human cannonball
Scene resumes motion, and you see that Amelia actually is a human cannonball, knocking Zel out cold.

That I need to, I want to
Not noticing that Zelgadiss needs immediate medical attention, Amelia cuddles his prone body against her, rubbing her cheek against his hair. Zel is swirly eyed, a la Kenshin. "ooorrroooo.."

Come stand a little bit closer
Xelloss slips up to an unsuspecting Lina and whispers 'boo' in her ear.

Breathe in and get a little higher
Lina, surprised leaps three feet into the air, doing that twist in the air thing

You'll never know what hit you
Whereupon Xelloss kisses her now visible and accessible face.

When I get to you
Lina promptly punts him into the atmosphere, blushing bright red.

Ooh, I want you
Xelloss, singing, while flying through stratosphere.

I don't know if I need you
Still singing, now plummeting, not soaring. Whacks a bird en route to ground zero.

But ooh, I'd die to find out
Scene of Xelloss-shaped-crater(tm), with the smoke just clearing. Valgarv starts filling in hole.

Ooh, I want you
Xelloss pushes an unsuspecting Milgazia into Filia's arms, who screams, whips out mace and mega-bats the innocent Elder into the ozone, which has a new, Dragon-sized hole.

But I don't know if I need you
Filia freaks upon realizing what happened, since Xelloss is dancing around her, telling her just that.

But ooh, I'd die to find out
Filia starts chasing Mazoku Trickster Priest. Screeches to a halt when Milgazia lands on Xelloss' skull, swirly eyed. Now both Dragon Elder and Beast Priest are out cold.

I'm the kind of person
Enter scene of Sylphiel daydreaming

who endorses a deep commitment
Of being married to Gourry

Getting comfy, getting perfect
And cuddling up to him when he comes home

Is what I live for
She sighs happily. "Oh, Gourry-sama,"

But a look, then a smell of perfume
Suddenly, she blinks, her eyes wide, face suddenly turning a sickly shade of green when she finally notices the stink of Gourry's armor.

It's like I'm down on the floor
She falls to the ground, twitching, Gourry looking confused and worried, goes to pick her up.

And I don't know what I'm in for.
Sylphiel snaps out of dream sequence, blinking away the nightmare.

Conversation has a time and place
Scene of lovely outdoor cafe.

In the interaction of a lover and mate
And Martina and Zangulus sipping some cream and marshmallow covered beverage out of a single glass.

But the time of talking, using symbols, using words
See Gourry, asking directions from Hotohori, Tamahome, and Chichiri, showing a map of Demon Island. The others are trying to make themselves understood to, Miaka and the rest of the Fushigi Yuugi cast, who speak only Japanese or Chinese.

Can be likened to a deepsea diver
Finally Lina gets irked, as do Amelia and Gourry, and with Xelloss' help they toss him into what looks like the Yangtze River.

Who is swimming with a rain coat.
Gourry promptly runs out of the river as the Blue Water Dragon Seiryuu comes out of it, screaming for Lina to help him.

Come stand a little bit closer
Scene of Shadowdancer's little SD Xellosses manhandling a camera, while Rezo's urging entire Slayers cast to stand closer to each other, bad guys and good guys together. When the camera's set, he runs to join the group.

Breathe in and get a little higher
They say "Cheeze!" just as Filia and Garv both try to hit Xelloss out of the picture, who ducks, Filia knocks both Milgazia and Aqua out of the melee, Garv hits Beastmaster and Phibrizo. Xelloss comes up between Sylphiel's legs, dazed and confused, shrine maiden screams, dumps a powerful (for a change) Flare Arrow on him, knocks said priest into Luna's arms, who merely pushes her tray into his face. Dynast and Sheela are also hit by the blast, go flying. Amelia jumps into Zel's arms to escape being crushed, he stumbles, yelling for her to let go, into Gourry, who bumps Lina, who promptly creams him. Naga starts laughing, deafens Valgarv, and Prince Philonel tries to restore futile order. Rezo has wandered off in the confusion, and is now facing away from the camera. Kopii is telling him to turn around, the two start fighting, Eris trying to stop them both. The one person who isn't hit by all this is L-Sama.

You'll never know what hit you
The SD group crawls out from underneath ruined camera, and underneath unconscious Dragons and Mazoku.

When I get to you
They hold in their hands the successful photo of the entire group smiling at the camera.

Ooh, I want you
See Lina, her eyes all aglow.

I don't know if I need you
See a huge banquet of food.

But ooh, I'd die to find out
Gourry, Amelia, Naga, and the other people who eat like ravenous wolves jump the table.

Ooh, I want you
Zel zeroes in on last cup of coffee.

But I don't know if I need you
Suddenly, Kopii Rezo picks it up and drinks it in a single gulp, while talking to Rezo and Lei Magnus.

But ooh, I'd die to find out.
Zel slides his sword out of sheath, thinks better of it, and goes off to sulk.

Any time I need to see your face
Zel is in desperate need of coffee.

I just close my eyes
Starts daydreaming of coffee so bad he can taste it.

And I am taken to a place where your crystal mind
Opens eyes to see Xelloss offering him a big cup of coffee, and taking his own mug of tea from Luna.

And magenta feelings
"Wonder when this is gonna end." Luna muses, sipping her own large mug of mint tea.

Take up shelter in the base of my spine
Xelloss looks very tired. "Not just yet, I think. We're living someone's fragmented nightmare."

Sweet like a chic-a-cherry cola
Zel is too absorbed in his coffee to contribute to this existensial dicussion. Caffeine!

I don't need to try and explain
For some reason the Slayers Group has ended up on what looks like Noah's Ark, atop Mt. Sinai, precariously balanced on the peak.

I just hold on tight
Everyone tries very hard not to move, and move just to maintain the balance of the tilting ship.

And if it happens again,
They all breathe a deep sigh of relief when the ship stops moving.

I might move so slightly
Just then, (enter pet peeve character) sneezes.

Into the arms and the lips and the face
Pan to outside of ship, which starts to slide down mountain side, like a roller coaster.

Of the human cannonball
Back inside the hold, everyone screams in terror.

That I need to, I want to
Before someone remembers to use a massive Raywing on the whole kit and caboodle.

Ooh, I want you
Shadowdancer yawns, as Chaos-chan shakes her awake, saying that there are people who want to talk to her. The elf notices all her SDs are crowded on the far side of the bed and the room.

I don't know if I need you
She looks up to see the entire Slayers cast, whom she had tormented in her twisted dream. They don't look happy.

But ooh, I'd die to find out.
Shadowdancer waves bye, grabs her swords, and vanishes.

Ooh, I want you
Chaos-chan waves another portal open, and the army of angry characters push though.

I don't know if I need you
The SD Xellosses start placing bets.

But ooh, I'd die to find out.
Ending scene: a single elf running away from a huge group of humans, dragons, and Mazoku, against the scenic background of the setting sun.