Setting: Season 8

Rating: K

Summary: Rodent infestation.

A/N: This one's all due to the stepson. He noticed the rodent cage in Felger's office in 'Avenger 2.0' and I immediately started trying to work it into a story in my head. His smallest pet helped finish off the job.

A Very Cute Problem

"Sir, I think there might be something wrong with Felger," Carter said, leaning forward and speaking quietly so that they wouldn't be overheard.

"Carter, I've been telling you that since we met the guy," General O'Neill replied, taking a large bite of oatmeal.

Daniel glanced over at a nearby table, where Felger was seated with his lab assistant Chloe and another scientist, Simon Coombs. "I think Sam's right," Daniel said. "When was the last time any of us have been in the same room with him for more than five minutes without him coming over to talk to us."

"More like drive us crazy," O'Neill corrected.

"O'Neill is correct," Teal'c put in. "However, I concur with Colonel Carter and Daniel Jackson as well. He seems most disturbed by something."

All four of them glanced over at the table Jack had privately labeled the 'geek section' years ago.

Felger, who had been SG-1's biggest fan for years, finally noticed them. His eyes were red-rimmed and he looked even more pale than usual. Carter smiled awkwardly and looked away quickly, knowing they had all been caught staring at him.

Jack shoved another large spoonful of oatmeal into his mouth and mumbled, "Nnbudy cash Smmps's lasnigh?"

"What?" Daniel asked.

"Anybody catch the Simpson's last night?" he repeated after swallowing.

Teal'c ignored him and called, "Greetings, Dr. Felger," and held up his hand with his fingers splayed in a 'V,' knowing Felger to be a fellow fan of 'Star Trek.'

Jay Felger promptly burst into tears and ran out of the commissary wailing, "SSSPPPPPOCKKKK!"

Chloe quickly hurried after him, leaving Coombs to smile sheepishly at SG-1 and General O'Neill. "Spock died," he explained.

"What?" Sam and Daniel asked, puzzled.

"Spock… he was dead when we got into the lab this morning."

"What?" Jack repeated, hating to admit it but finding himself curious as well.

"Spock," Coombs repeated, as though that explained everything. At the blank stares he was still getting, he rolled his eyes and said, "Felger's hamster."

vvvvvvvvvvv

Jay Felger swiped his keycard and entered his lab carrying a small cardboard box with 'windows' that said 'I'm Going Home!' on the side of it. A scratching sound emanated from inside of it periodically. He hurried over to the rodent cage and stopped, frowning down into the cage in surprise. There was already a new furry occupant inside. A panda hamster. Very cute. "Aww, hey little guy, where'd you come from?" he asked.

Chloe entered with a donut in her hand and said, "Oh, hi, Jay. You found our new mascot."

"Yeah… thanks, Chloe. He's great!"

"He's actually a 'she,'" Chloe clarified. She spotted the box in his hand and said, "Oh, you got a new one too?"

"Yeah… we need another cage, I guess. Hamsters usually don't get along well together."

"You can't leave yours in his box all day though. Just try it and see – maybe they'll like each other."

"Okay. Guess it couldn't hurt. This one's a girl too though."

"Well, that's good – we won't have to worry about little baby hamsters."

Jay carefully removed the little tan and white hamster from his cardboard box and showed her to Chloe. "Aww, she's so sweet. What are you going to name them?"

Jay put the hamster he brought into the cage with the one Chloe brought. They checked each other out for a few moments and went to sleep. Jay looked at the little furry balled-up animals and said, "Mulder and Scully."

vvvvvvvvvvv

"Um, Jay, I think you'd better see this," Chloe called, peering down into the hamster cage one morning.

"What?" Felger asked as he joined her. "Oh my God."

"I guess Mulder's a boy after all," Chloe commented as they stared down into the cage at a bunch of tiny, wriggling, pink hamster babies.

"This is so typical!" Jay exclaimed suddenly. "You finally get together when nobody's around, completely off-screen…"

"Um, Jay, calm down. These are just hamsters."

"I should have known it when I named them," Jay muttered, scowling down into the cage.

vvvvvvvvvvv

Carter knocked on her CO's door frame hesitantly. He looked up from the file he was reading and smiled. "Carter. What brings you here?"

"Sir… we have a… a small problem," Sam said, biting her lip nervously and hovering in the doorway.

"Get in here and spill it, Carter."

"Remember a couple of months ago when Felger's hamster died?"

"The hamster that I didn't know he had and would not have authorized to live on the base?"

"Um, yes, sir, that would be the one."

"Yes, I remember. Why?"

"Well… shortly after that, apparently, he um… got another one. And Chloe did as well…"

"And why wasn't I informed of this?"

"Well… it didn't seem important enough to bring to your attention at the time, sir. You're so busy after all with much more important…"

"Stop sucking up and tell me why it's important enough to bring to my attention now."

"He was under the impression that Mulder and Scully were both female hamsters, sir, but…"

"Mulder and Scully?"

"Yes, sir. But… apparently one of them was actually a male hamster because they had babies a couple of weeks ago. Felger didn't tell anybody."

"And…"

"And… now they've all escaped," Sam finally admitted.

Jack stared at her for several long moments and finally said, "How many of them?"

"Including Mulder and Scully… Nine."

"Nine! Carter… the President is going to be here in two days for an inspection of the SGC. And now you're telling me I've got a rodent problem?"

"Well… at least it's not rats or mice, sir," she tried optimistically.

"Right, because a hamster infestation is just so much better."

"It's cuter at least. Sir, I'll alert the entire base and we'll get the situation under control before the President arrives. Don't worry."

"Why don't we just call an exterminator?"

"Sir, Felger is upset enough. He's worried you're going to fire him."

"Don't tempt me."

"And… he'd rather the hamsters be caught unharmed if at all possible."

"Oh for crying out loud. Carter, make this problem go away. And the first person who starts making tribble jokes is not going to like the consequences."

vvvvvvvvvvv

By noon the next day, General O'Neill was considering hanging a banner outside the base that said, 'Welcome to the SGC – where it isn't what it looks like.' Unusual things were often happening on his base, but over the past twenty-four hours he had seen various SGC personnel (military and civilian alike – whomever Carter could bully into helping with the 'extermination') in a variety of unusual positions.

Siler and the other Sergeant that was always with him had been found with their faces stuck in an air duct, bums sticking straight up in the air. The entire nursing staff had been found crouching on top of the gurneys after a couple of hamsters were spotted skittering across the infirmary. Colonel Reynolds burst out of the locker room with shampoo running down the back of his neck and a towel thrown hastily round his waist after being startled when a wet hamster ran across his feet.

Walter took the cake though. He cornered Mulder in the control room and successfully caught him, only to have the little bugger bite down hard on his left index finger. He yelped and tried to shake the rodent loose. Mulder hung on valiantly for three rough jerks before he was flung loose.

He sailed across the room just as O'Neill and Carter entered the room, right at them both. "Whoa, what the hell?" Jack exclaimed as the hamster flew at him.

Carter caught it carefully and held onto it tightly. "I think this is Mulder, sir," she reported happily. So far he had been the hardest to capture – he had already eluded two SFs and Dr. Lee.

"Great," Jack muttered. "Sergeant, turn off that alarm!" he barked to Walter, then noticing that Walter's hand was dripping with blood.

"Sorry, sir, I accidentally hit something on the control panel when he bit me."

"That's okay, get yourself to the infirmary. Carter, fix the computer."

"Yes, sir." She shoved the hamster into his hands and hurried over to the console as Walter left clutching his injured hand.

"I didn't mean…" Jack started, frowning at the little animal in his hand. The hamster was understandably agitated, and it wriggled around out of his grip, sliding down him and scampering into a corner before he could catch it. "Dammit!" he exclaimed.

Carter shut off the alarm and turned back to him. "Oh no… you let him go?"

"I didn't let him go, Carter… now how many are left to catch?"

"Last I heard, including Mulder… three, sir. Don't worry, we'll have them all by the time the President gets here tomorrow."

"I'm giving you five more hours before we start setting traps."

vvvvvvvvvvv

"He's going to fire me," Jay Felger wailed as Carter dragged him by the sleeve into General O'Neill's office.

"He's not going to fire you, Jay," Carter said with a long-suffering sigh. "Are you, sir?" she added.

"Not today," O'Neill said, folding his hands in front of him on the desk. "Okay, rodent-roundup report."

Carter turned to Felger, who swallowed hard and said, "Um, yes, sir, well, Scully was found in the infirmary, Byers and Frohike were apprehended in the store room on level 23, Langley was caught in the commissary, and Chloe found Skinner in her locker…"

"I don't need a play-by-play, Felger. Just a head count. The President will be here in fifteen minutes, he's just passed the first security point."

"Eight, sir. Out of nine," Carter said quickly.

"Mulder's still missing," Felger supplied.

"Mulder? The one that got away from me yesterday?"

"Yes, sir… we tried to confine him to the control room after our encounter with him yesterday, but he… escaped again."

"Okay… well, I guess we'd better call off the search for now."

"I'm sure he'll hide to avoid all the commotion, sir. It shouldn't be a problem."

"Right. We'll see. Felger… if those hamsters aren't gone by this time tomorrow, and I mean all of them, I'm donating them to the guys at Area 51 that test the alien plants for poison."

Felger swallowed hard and said, "Yes, sir." He turned to go quickly, then turned back and shifted awkwardly, waiting to be dismissed. O'Neill waved him away with a swatting motion.

As soon as Felger was gone, Jack got to his feet and started making adjustments to his dress uniform. "Haven't worn it in a while – I think the cleaners must have shrunk it," he muttered.

Carter, whose uniform was, of course, immaculate, replied, "I'm sure, sir."

"Hey," he objected halfheartedly.

"Sorry, sir. I'm also sorry about Mulder…"

"Ah, it's not your fault. Eight out of nine captures in less than two days… that's pretty good anyway. At least with all but one caught they can't keep multiplying in the walls or something…"

"Good point."

"Although I still think the hunt would have gone better if you'd armed your searchers with zats."

"I doubt something that small could survive a zat blast, sir."

"What's your point?" he asked with a smirk.

She laughed and looked down – she'd walked right into that one. "Don't worry, sir, as soon as the President leaves we'll resume the search."

"Good, because…" Jack stopped mid-sentence and looked puzzled. He squirmed around uncomfortably, his back tickling.

"Sir?"

"I think… maybe I just found Mulder," Jack said, quickly scrambling to unbutton his jacket.

"Sir…"

"Carter… he's in my shirt! He must have been in my locker or something…"

"How can you have a hamster in your shirt, sir?"

"I don't know, but help me get him out!" he tossed his jacket to his desk and started working on the little buttons of his dress shirt, hopping in place as the hamster squirmed around his back.

"This really isn't the best time for a joke, sir…"

"I'm not joking! Dammit, Carter, help me!" he fumbled with his tie and then froze. "DAMMIT!"

"What, sir?"

"He just went down my pants."

vvvvvvvvvvv

"I'm sorry, Mr. President, I know the General intended to meet you at the surface. Something must have come up," Walter apologized, leading the President and his entourage through the hallowed halls of the SGC to the General's office.

"I understand, Sergeant. May I ask what happened to your finger?"

"Of course, sir. I was… injured yesterday. Just a couple of stitches, no big deal."

"You were injured on the job?"

"Well… technically, yes, sir." Knowing that General O'Neill wanted to keep their recent hamster infestation secret, he quickly changed the subject as they reached O'Neill's office.

"Here we are, sir." He knocked and opened the door to O'Neill's office, calling, "General, the President is…" he trailed off, staring in shock at General O'Neill and Colonel Carter.

They were sitting on the floor in the middle of the office. O'Neill leaned back on his hands, his dress uniform halfway on. His trousers were unbuckled and his wrinkled shirttails were out. The left leg of his trousers was pushed up to his knee, and his shoe and sock were off. And Colonel Carter was sitting on the floor with him, both of her hands up the other leg of his trousers.

"Carter, the President will be here any minute!" O'Neill said impatiently.

"I know, I know!"

"Actually, the President is already here," President Hayes said.

Walter closed his eyes and sighed, certain that somehow the General was going to blame him for this. Two of the Secret Service guys snickered into the backs of their hands.

O'Neill and Carter both froze and looked at their audience in completely mortified shock.

"President Hayes, sir… welcome to the base," Jack O'Neill said, crossing his arms casually over his chest, as if he were in a perfectly normal position. "This looks bad, doesn't it?"

"Yes, Jack, it does," President Hayes agreed. "Colonel Carter, lovely to see you again, as always."

"Yes, sir," she croaked, then made a sudden grab for the hamster she could feel get caught in O'Neill's sock.

"Of course, this isn't what it looks like, I think that goes without saying," O'Neill said, continuing to speak in a ridiculously casual tone.

"Got him!" Carter said quietly, pulling the hamster out, trying to hide it in her hands.

"Colonel Carter?" Hayes prompted as she scrambled to her feet with her hands behind her back and O'Neill started pulling his shoes and socks back on.

"Go ahead, Carter, explain it to him."

"Well, sir… one of our scientists lost a hamster and we were just… finding it," she said, holding out the hamster as proof.

"Oh, a panda hamster!" the President said, smiling and holding out his hands for it.

Carter glanced down at her CO nervously, but he shrugged and waved a permissive hand. She passed the hamster to the President and said, "He um… was apparently hiding in General O'Neill's dress uniform, sir."

"No need to explain, Colonel, my daughters go through several hamsters a year, we've had more than our share of hamster break-outs around the White House."

"Really?"

"Oh yeah. One of them nearly gave General Jumper a heart attack in the Oval Office. They're cute little fellas, aren't they?"

"Yes, sir," Carter agreed quickly.

O'Neill got to his feet and muttered, "Yeah, they're darling."

"All the same, Jack…" President Hayes said, handing the hamster off to Walter, who took the little thing trying not to look like he was terrified of being bitten again. "I really don't think the SGC – or your dress uniform, for that matter – is the best place for a hamster."

"I couldn't agree more, sir," O'Neill said quickly, trying to tuck his shirt into his trousers discreetly.

President Hayes cleared his throat and said, "I think we'd better give you a minute to put yourself together, Jack."

"Thank you, sir."

"I'll go take Mulder back to Dr. Felger, sir," Carter offered quickly, wanting a few minutes to get over her embarrassment in private, and also noticing how uncomfortable Walter looked holding the hamster. She took the hamster quickly and hurried off, and everyone else filed out of the General's office.

"Wow," the President commented, glancing back at the closed door to O'Neill's office. "It looks like I owe George an apology."