This story takes place about two months after Jacob's supposed death. Many of us believe that he didn't die and actually ascended. Also, the argument has never been settled on whether Selmak is male or female. For this story Selmak is female.
Revelations 9: Then the fifth angel sounded, and I saw a star from heaven which had fallen to the earth…
She awakened to the strangest sensation. Something soft yet a little prickly pressed against her. Whatever the material was it even itched a little. She was curious about what she was lying on so she lifted her head up to see. There was just one problem, she couldn't see what it was.
Hell, she couldn't see anything! She was blind!
Panic quickly took its hold on her as she sat up. To not see…how was she to do her job if she couldn't see? That is, whatever job she was meant to do; at the moment she didn't know what that job was. Still, how was she to even know where she was if she couldn't see?
Then she started to see the silhouetted shapes in the darkness and rationality set in. Her heart rate started to decrease and she sighed in relief. It was simply night when she woke up and her eyes hadn't adjusted to the darkness yet.
Her…eyes?
She had eyes!
Ok, so she had eyes before. But they were two little useless orbs that could barely see anything up to three feet away and were blind to anything further. Plus, she didn't really need to use them and relied more on her other unique senses she had possessed.
However, the eyes she had now were different. Not only could she see things as far away as three feet but she could see beyond that distance and then some. There was no foggy haze, no blurry images. Everything was sharp and crystal clear!
There were the stars that sparkled like tiny diamonds high in the night sky. Then there were the ominous dark shadowy figures of the trees dancing like black flames along the nearby horizon from the wind that fueled them. And finally she saw the outline of the deteriorated ruins that encompassed her.
And she could see all these things for herself instead of through another's eyes! She immediately started wondering what it would be like to see the colors in the daylight with her new eyes because she couldn't differentiate the colors she saw in the darkness of night. Would she see the colors differently or the same as she previously did with her old eyes? Hell, what color her eyes did she have?
Suddenly a strong gust of cool air hit her interrupting her thoughts causing a shiver to travel down her back. The night air wasn't that cold but when she realized why she felt a chill she became…a little embarrassed.
After two thousand years as a symbiote, the thought of clothes never crossed her mind just the need for a host. Ok, maybe there was the occasional dress or two but they were always for her host and never for herself.
Selmak didn't even think about clothes when she decided to return to the physical world in human form! In fact, sitting here in the dark, she wasn't sure what the hell she was thinking when she made that decision!
"Why did I do this?" she asked out loud.
Hey! That tickled!
"Hello!" she shouted then giggled at the feeling of her own voice.
Even her laugh tickled! Selmak began wondering what other wonderful things there would be to discover in her new form. Food quickly came to mind. She could actually taste the food for herself! To taste had always been experienced by the host, and through the host. Like her eyes before, her mouth was useless for many functions save one…maybe two.
Selmak was growing excited about all the experiences that lie ahead of her. But she was getting ahead of herself. First things first, Selmak needed clothes! She wasn't going to experience much of anything unless she had clothes. And she knew sitting on the grass covered ground wasn't going to get her those clothes so she slowly got to her feet.
"Whoa!" she giggled.
Standing up was such a strange sensation too, especially considering she never had feet or legs before! Hell, she didn't even have limbs before and suddenly wasn't quite sure how they all worked! So she approached it as if she were inside a host's body.
"OW!" she cried out after she fell to the ground. "Ok, so that didn't work! Figures, one of my first experiences had to be pain!"
Selmak looked at her arm only she couldn't see anything in the darkness. Something was wrong. So, she touched the part of her forearm that hurt. Only the contact made the pain worse. In fact, it stung like hell!
The stinging pain caused her vision to blur and something rolled down her cheeks.
Tears?
She shouldn't be crying!
She had two thousand years of knowledge crammed in her mind. She had been tortured and experienced far worse pain on a few too many occasions. She could impersonate a Goa'uld system Lord's ruthlessness and arrogance, convincingly. So, she was already somewhat arrogant but she could make some of the strongest and bravest Jaffa shake in their boots before her.
Regardless of all of this, Selmak wept. She was in pain, alone, and…scared. Yes, she was frightened. She was frightened because she was vulnerable. Selmak never liked feeling vulnerable! She had never been so alone before. She always had the warmth and body of a host to protect her.
"Why did I do this?" she asked again, wiping her tears.
Then the answer hit her like a bolt of lightening.
"JACOB!" she shouted jumping to her feet.
Without thinking, Selmak started running, calling him over and over. She had to find him! She took this form for him so she could be with him when he returned too. He may have been her host in their previous existence but he really needed someone to look after him.
It was her duty to look after him.
After all…she killed him.
Yes, she had killed Jacob. Selmak couldn't leave Jacob's body when she was dying nor could she just die within him without killing him. The very action of attempting to leave his body would have killed her instantly and the toxins from her body would have released quickly into Jacob's body, killing him instantly. Nor could she prevent the toxins from slowly being released into Jacob's body as she was dying. Either way you put it, she killed him. He could have lived to see his grandchildren grow into adults, perhaps longer. She had taken him from his family and his friends.
After she ascended, her guilt for killing him had consumed her and the only way to make her feel less guilty had been to help Jacob to ascend. Since Jacob had the Ancient gene, which Selmak was surprised to discover when her host touched the device on Dakarah, he already had a free ticket to ascension. Selmak thought she could make up for killing him by bringing him with her. Only Jacob had been more upset about ascending than dying!
Again, Selmak screwed up which only added guilt upon guilt.
Jacob had nobly accepted his death. He was at peace because in his mind he was finally going to be with Allison, his wife. Yes, Jacob was at peace because he believed in Heaven and Hell even though he wasn't that religious of a man and the only thing he ever asked of his God was that he return safely to his family after each mission. But he was well versed and quoted to her, after she had apologized for slowly killing him, 'But man, despite his riches, does not endure; he is like the beasts that perish.'
The quote didn't make Selmak feel any less guilty at the time. And in her selfishness, she took Jacob away from where he was meant to be. Only after she did it, did she realize the big mistake she had made in helping Jacob to ascend. As a result she had felt unworthy of her ascended state.
How could she exist in such a heavenly state when she caused Jacob more pain now than she ever did when they were alive?
So, Selmak decided to return to the physical form, to fall from her higher plain of existence as penance for causing Jacob to suffer. The decision had also been made to send Jacob home so he could be with his family again. Part of Selmak's continued penance would be to return along with Jacob. Selmak was to ensure Jacob was to be taken care of.
Only one problem, Jacob was supposed to be here with her when they returned. They were to be together. It was part of the bargain. They were a part of each other. She still had his memories within her and he still had hers.
"JACOB!" she screamed so loud it hurt her throat.
He had to be here somewhere. What if he was hurt? What if he was suffering? Again, it would be her fault! Selmak didn't want to see Jacob suffer anymore, not ever.
Selmak suddenly was having a hard time breathing. Her sorrow took hold and she wept uncontrollably. She couldn't even call out for Jacob. Her legs buckled and she collapsed onto the ground and curled up like a child would when upset.
Ever since she died then ascended, everything had gone wrong. She couldn't do anything right. Her host wasn't entirely happy about dying but Jacob hadn't complained about it either and even mentioned how all of his time since blending with Selmak was a bonus because he should have died years ago. However, he wasn't at all happy about ascending. And now, when Selmak was to bring him home to set things right, what did she do? She screwed up, again, and lost him!
She really needed him too. Jacob always knew what to say to comfort her when she was melancholy. Even these ruins didn't provide the comfort she had thought they would. Long ago, when this rubble had been fully intact, these were the first buildings she had ever explored. Here is where she had blended with her very first host. She was spawned with many of her Tok'ra brethren on this planet. It was the closest thing to a home she ever had. The one she preferred most because she never liked living beneath the surface in the tunnels the Tok'ra had learned to hide in. Selmak always loved the open space, the fresh air, and the wind blowing through the trees and grass.
Now, the buildings had been reduced to rubble and were barren having been deserted for many centuries. Selmak wept again. She never felt so alone in her entire life. Even her thoughts were lonely; there was no one to share them with. She desperately missed the banter between her and Jacob. He had a wicked sense of humor that complemented hers so well. Not to mention, he could really piss her off! Only Selmak truly loved their arguments because she always won, mostly of her own accord but a few times because he had let her win!
"Jacob, you were supposed to be here," she sniffled hugging herself. "Where are you? You were told to concentrate on home."
Concentrate on home…
Selmak suddenly started crying and laughing. How could she be so stupid? Home for Jacob was Earth! In her arrogance, Selmak overlooked the fact that hers and Jacob's minds were not joined after they ascended. At the time, she really had no idea what Jacob was thinking when both she and him were told to concentrate on home!
However, Selmak knew Jacob very well. She could figure out where Jacob went. It would only be one of two places, either Colorado Springs or San Diego. After a quick search of her memories, or actually Jacob's memories that were still in her head, Selmak knew where home was for Jacob.
Joseph and Elizabeth, two little blonde hair, blue eyed Carter babes that reminded Jacob so much of his wife. Jacob absolutely loved his grandchildren. They were his only regret when he died because he didn't get the chance to see them one last time and to tell them how much he loved them.
Panic suddenly set in and Selmak jumped back up to her feet. Jacob wasn't safe on Earth! No doubt his government would want him for experiments or something once they found him. She had to find him first! She had to protect him! But to do that, she had to get to Earth.
Big problem! She didn't have a GDO. And another problem was that she couldn't go to the Tok'ra, not after what they did to her and Jacob, she could never trust them again! Well, there was only one Tok'ra whom she could trust, one who was always loyal to her and to Jacob. Selmak just hoped that Malek was still at his last known coordinates.
Selmak wasn't worried about convincing Malek. He was a good friend and she would be able to answer any of his questions about their past. The problem was the Tau'ri. Once on Earth who could she really trust? She knew she could trust Jacob's closest friend George and Samantha, so maybe the more important question should be, could Selmak actually tell them who she really was without endangering them?
She knew that if she told someone, like Sam, whom she really was that she would be putting more than just her life in danger. The last thing Selmak wanted was for someone to get hurt. Plus, she didn't want to go through those barbaric experiments. She would be of no use to Jacob if she were discovered.
"What does Jacob always say?" she asked herself then smiled, "'I'll deal with it when I get there.' Jacob, you were such a pain in the ass! I do hope you can stay out of trouble long enough for me to find you!"
Without hesitation Selmak hurried in the direction where the Stargate should still be. She needed to find Jacob as soon as possible. She needed him as much as he needed her. Plus, there was something telling her she didn't have much time. She wasn't sure where such a feeling originated but it was there in the back of her mind.
The back of the police car was warm and much more preferable than the cold rain outside. Plus he was grateful for the blanket too as he was finally starting to feel warmer. For the life of him he couldn't remember what happened to his clothes. Hell, he couldn't even remember his own name or how he ended up at a children's playground in the middle of the night. And the only way he knew he was in a city called San Diego was when the police cars pulled up.
Sitting there watching the rain fall against the window he determined that he was being punished for some wrongdoing. Why else would he have no memories? Why else would he have no clothes? Perhaps his mind and body were purged in order to start anew. Maybe that's why it was raining too, to cleanse him so to speak.
"What the hell am I thinking? I'll never get answers thinking like that!" he whispered to himself. "And I wished they would quit referring to me as John Doe. I have a name! I…I just don't remember it."
Outside the car two police officers were questioning the gentleman who had called 911. A third officer was returning to his squad car, the one John was in. The officer's name was Tom Riley. He was a tall man, light brown hair and dark eyes. He was the nicest of the three officers and never looked at John like he was a criminal. Plus, Tom was the highest-ranking officer, a Captain, although John didn't know how he recognized the ranks on their uniforms. He seemed to instinctively know the insignias.
"How you doing? Any warmer?" Tom asked after he sat in the driver's seat.
"Much warmer than before, Sir. Thank you."
"You scared the crap out of the man walking his dog. Thought for sure you were a dead body until you moved!" the officer laughed.
"It wasn't my intention to startle him, Sir."
The officer turned and regarded John for a moment.
"Any luck remembering who you are or why you're here?" Tom questioned.
"No, Sir," he sighed.
"Are you military? You keep calling me Sir. And your crew cut reminds me of my little brother's before his unit was sent to Iraq."
"I have no idea," he answered, hearing a siren in the distance.
"Well, we'll run your description through missing persons and see if something turns up," Tom smiled. "In the meantime, the ambulance is going to take you to the hospital. Hopefully the doctors can help you with your amnesia."
Hopefully they could help him. John, or whoever the hell he was, had so many questions. Who was he? How did he get here? Why was he here? What about family? Where were they? Did he even have a family who might be looking for him now? Or perhaps…was he being punished?
The sirens were much louder now. When John turned to look out the back window he saw the emergency vehicle coming towards them. As they got closer a nagging feeling within his mind started to fester. Only he had no idea what that feeling was, just that it was something extremely important. The kind officer exited his vehicle but waited to open up the back door until the EMTs approached.
"What do we have?" the dark haired EMT asked Tom.
"We have a John Doe, no ID, no anything. He seems to have lost his memories," Tom answered staying back as the two EMTs, one dark haired the other fair haired, set down their equipment near the car. "He may be suffering from mild hypothermia too. We don't know how long exposure was before he was discovered."
"Was he conscious when he was found?" questioned the fair haired EMT.
"No, a witness discovered him. By the time we arrived on the scene John was awake and very coherent, no words slurring, no alcohol on his breath," Tom replied.
"Captain, we've got all we need," one of the other officers said after joining the group. "I assume we're not charging him indecent exposure?"
"No, you and Williams head out. I'm going to follow the ambulance to Mercy Hospital. Have Jenkins see if he could match this guy's description with any missing persons' reports."
The officers moved off and continued talking as the EMT moved in front of John.
"I'm going to take some vitals and ask you some questions. Ok?" the dark hair man smiled.
John nodded back in reply.
"So, you don't know your name?" the EMT asked as he checked his pulse. "Pulse rate 90, a little high but normal under the circumstances. Blood Pressure 138 over 72, also a little high but again ok. So, what's your name?"
"Like I said before, I don't know."
"First name, last name…both?"
"Both," John frowned.
"Do you know what time it is?"
"Sorry, can't answer that. I seemed to have miss placed my watch along with my clothes."
"Well, you seem to have a sense of humor. That's good," the EMT smiled. "Do you know where you are?"
"San Diego. But that's only because I read it off the side of the police cars."
"How many fingers am I holding up?"
"Three."
"And now?"
"Two."
"Good," the EMT said. "Now, I want you to follow the tip of my pen with your eyes only."
As the EMT moved his pen around and watched John's eyes track it, the EMT asked, "Can you tell me who the President of the United States is?"
President, what kind of question was that? But of course it was just another question John couldn't provide an answer for.
"I don't know," John sighed.
"That's ok," the EMT smiled flicking his penlight on. "I didn't vote for him anyway…didn't care for his choice as Vice President."
The EMT flashed the light in John's eyes and suddenly he wasn't sitting in the back of a police car anymore. He couldn't see where he was only that it was hot. So hot he could barely breathe. He was on his knees with his arms were being held tightly, keeping him in that position against his will. All he could see was a beam of yellow light was hitting his forehead. The light frightened him because it caused an agonizing pain that centered at the back of his head and spread to the depths within his mind and throughout his body. He screamed for it to stop.
Then suddenly the pain was gone. He was shivering cold again. He could feel the hard ground on his back and the rain on his face. His heart felt like it was going to burst through his chest it was pounding so hard. Then he could hear the sound of his own erratic breathing, the sound of his teeth chattering, and the voices of the EMT guys and police officer. His eyes focused and he could see their faces above him as they held him down.
"…some seizure of something. I think he's coming out of it!" the dark haired EMT said. "Pulse is down to 110 and falling."
"What kind of language was that?" asked the other EMT that was holding John's legs down tightly.
"Beats the shit out of me!" the dark haired one replied. "Just go get the stretcher!"
"Did you remember something?" Tom asked, his face was the nearest and was filled with concern.
"Pain! I felt like my head was going to explode!" John gasped in reply as he raised a trembling hand to wipe his face. "Oh God…what happened to me? Who am I?"
"Just try to relax, everything's going to be fine," Tom replied holding John's hand tightly.
John needed comforting. He didn't know why. He felt like he was missing something, a part of himself, a part of him that was always the voice of serenity and reason. Plus, the memory of the pain lingered and he suddenly wasn't sure he wanted to remember who he was. Maybe he was being punished. Perhaps someone important was taken from him as his penance. The memory wasn't a pleasant one that much was certain and the feeling that a part of him was missing was strong.
"Am I being punished?" John desperately asked, refusing to let go of Tom's hand.
"No, you're not being punished or arrested," Tom said firmly, rubbing the top of John's head. "You're just confused and upset. Once the doctors…"
"Doctors! No Doctors!" John shouted adamantly.
"Why? Did you remember something else?" Tom asked as the EMTs were getting the stretcher ready.
"No," John admitted. "It's just a…feeling I have."
"John, the Doctors can help you," Tom insisted.
"Let's get him on the stretcher," the dark haired EMT ordered.
John felt helpless as they loaded him into the ambulance. He couldn't think of the reason why Doctors were not a good idea. Just that there was a danger. But was that danger to him or to others? Again, another question he could not answer. And he desperately needed answers. It appeared only the Doctors would be able help. So as the ambulance grew nearer, he refused to allow his fear to consume him. He had to keep his wits about him; the last thing he wanted was for someone to get hurt.