A.N./ Yeah, I wrote this about 3:00 over at Laura's house yesterday morning. We haven't done that in a long while, and it was a lot of fun. Well, it was fun until I passed out around nine and woke up a different person around two. Not a happy camper … I love her, though. I'm feeling bad about being a bit snippy. Anyway, have fun with this. We were listening to Barlow Girl's "Harder Than the First Time" but the story has nothing to do with the actual song. Just the title. So, the title and the characters aren't mine, obviously. If you like it, though, please please please review! You'd make me one happy girl, that's for sure.

Harder Than the First Time

Remus sat down on his chair in the study, his head in his hands. The pads of his thumbs pressed into his eye sockets, waiting to see how much pressure he could apply. It was something to take his mind off of things. Off of him.

Sirius would be arriving soon.

He had just received the owl from Professor Dumbledore. "Many things have happened. An old friend will be on his way. He most likely will be arriving minutes after this letter. Terribly sorry this is short, but it is imperative that people must be short and anonymous as possible. Especially in times like these." It wasn't even signed, but Remus knew by the curl of the handwriting and the smell that this was indeed from the headmaster.

As time crept upon him, Remus' breath caught in his chest and he heaved for air. Gasping, he stood and paced. His nerves were set on edge. His stomach flopped. Hell, he was starting to loose feeling in his fingers. He couldn't believe that he would be seeing Sirius.

Taking a deep breath, he stopped his pacing. He was acting like some schoolgirl with the jitters. He couldn't have that. Sirius would laugh until he cried if he knew exactly how nervous he was. Remus shook his head, attempting to clear it.

Tea, he thought. Tea would be good. It would be something to calm him, as well as something to have when Sirius would arrive. The thought alone caused him to lift his thumb to his mouth, running the nail across his bottom lip.

He bustled into the small kitchen, grabbing the kettle from the sink. Heating up the stove, he set the water on with shaking hands. While he was waiting for it to boil, he reached up into the cabinet for his tea bags, but he couldn't seem to find any. He rustled through jars and canteens, making more noise than he intended to.

Even though it was very early in the morning, and self-respecting neighbors would complain about the sound, it wouldn't matter since there wasn't a person living for miles. Remus was a man of privacy, for all the obvious reasons, but he treasured it even more so in the early hours in the morning such as this. He would enjoy it a bit more if he could find his tea.

A growl rose in his throat and he couldn't contain all of the nerves anymore. "Blasted tea! Confounded, bloody, fuc …"

"You've gotten hostile, Remus," a familiar voice said, coming from the other side of the kitchen.

Remus jumped back, dropping a jar in his hand. It landed on the tile floor with a crash as shards of glass skidded across the floor. It didn't seem to matter to Remus as he stood frozen, eyes wide as he took in the image of his friend standing only a few feet away.

Sirius was leaning against the door panel, arms crossed over his thin chest. He looked as if he hadn't eaten a full meal for the past few years and it almost caused Remus to move back from this unfamiliar form. His hair was still elbow length, but was just a bit cleaner than the last time they had met in the Shrieking Shack.

In the last year they had been forbidden to see each other for fear that it would lead to the capture of Sirius. They were, however, still able to owl each other, which they did frequently. There were only short notes, more for comfort than information. But nothing compared to standing face to face once again.

Sirius had seemed to receive Remus' package with some clothes so he didn't have to wear the rags out of Azkaban. He did look better than last time, but he was tired and in desperate need for a decent shower.

Sirius grinned at Remus, "Don't give me that look, Remus. And shut your mouth, I think a fly came in after me."

Remus gaped for a moment, marveling at Sirius' cool exterior. He knew him better than that, though. He could smell the fear under years of grime and pain of unlawful imprisonment.

Remus relaxed, slowly moving closer to him. He smiled reluctantly, tilting his head to the side to examine the other man's face. "Padfoot, you smell of wet dog. Would you like a shower?"

There was a flicker in Sirius' eyes, one of relief when he heard the familiar nickname. Both smiled freely now, just happy to see the other. Yet, now, as Remus stood close – close enough to touch – the nerves in his body tensed again and he moved away.

"Bathroom is down the hall …"

"… on the left, I know. I once lived here, also. That much I haven't forgotten," Sirius said, smiling sadly. "As well as a few other things," he whispered finally, moving past Remus out into the hall.

Once he was gone, Remus leaned against the counter. He felt like his knees would snap from under him. His chest ached heavily, heart hammering away up to his eardrums. He hadn't expected Sirius' presence to stir such emotion in him. They hadn't even touched and Remus was on his knees.

His breath was shaking as he pulled himself up. He could hear the shower running from across the other side of the house and it almost caused him to drop his utensils. He took out his wand and cleaned the crushed pieces of glass from the ground.

He imagined Sirius stepping into the water of the shower, dirty and ragged and broken from Azkaban. Something inhuman and tainted. Then he could see him stepping out as the Sirius that he knew. The Sirius that he fell in love with.

The kettle whistled loudly and broke his reverie. He continued to make his tea, routinely pouring out the water, adding the bag, the cream, the sugar. Even after he finished two cups, read the front page of the Daily Prophet, and cleaned, the shower was still running. Remus sighed, sitting in his chair. The main reason for his being as nervous as he was, he concluded, was that he had no idea what to say to him.

"Hey Sirius! Long time, no see old mate!" No, that wouldn't work.

"Sirius, you may not remember that we were lovers. I hope you do, because I'd like to …" No, too forward.

"I missed you, Sirius. Not a day passed that I didn't think of you or of what had happened. There are so many things I want to say, but I don't know if I can."

Why did this have to hurt so? For twelve years he thought of a moment like this happening but he never imagined such pain. His heart had belonged to the man down the hall since he was a young man, and that had continued to be true after Sirius went to prison. All that was important now was for him to be close. Remus needed that.

He suddenly realized that he had started to pace again. Back and forth he moved from one side of the kitchen to the other. Just when he was about to sit down again, the water turned off and Remus could hear wet feet thud against the wet tile. He sat in his chair, listening to Sirius move around the bathroom, searching through things.

Minutes later, Remus' breath hitched at the sound of Sirius walking down the hall and standing in front of the door to the kitchen. There was the short sound of Sirius taking a deep gulp of air before pushing the door open, and Remus was left speechless and frozen again.

He smelled of Remus' shampoo and soap, fresh and crisp. His once waxen face now held color both in his cheeks and lips, but his eyes still held their dark tint. Remus stood, stock-still. Sirius truly looked something of a newer man and of his older self with his face clean and hair sleek. Looking away from that now recognizable face, Remus saw that Sirius had changed into one of his shirt and loose fitting cotton pants.

Remus closed his eyes, fighting the satisfied smile that threatened to make its way up to the surface. Here was Sirius, over a full decade of time of waiting, standing in Remus' clothes, smelling of him. It was enough to drive him mad.

When he opened his eyes, Sirius was standing even closer. Not only could he smell himself, but, finally, Sirius. It was faint, but the spicy scent clouded his senses and he drifted just a bit closer.

"Sorry. You might need a new toothbrush. I'm afraid I used it." Sirius said, stumbling over his words slightly. He grinned, showing off his now smooth teeth and raw gums. Though painful as it must have been after so long of neglect, brushing did the job. When Sirius exhaled, the air smelled of mint.

"Do you need any coffee? Tea, perhaps?" Remus asked, turning toward the counter.

"No, but if you have a bit of milk …"

"Milk? This is an odd change," Remus said, looking back at Sirius. The man he knew would never ask for milk in the morning. But this was not exactly the same Sirius, no matter how much he wished it to be. He opened the fridge door and pulled out the carton.

When Sirius took the glass, he sat and downed it in one go. Remus watched him tilt his head back, exposing that long, pale neck, and he felt a spark run through him.

"So … So, is there something the matter? Dumbledore sent a letter, telling me you were coming with news." Remus said, straining to take his mind from those certain things.

Sirius set his cup down and he looked over Remus darkly. Then an expression, one that Remus could not exactly place, flashed over his face. "Voldemort is back," he said flatly, both hands on the porcelain of the cup to steady their quaking.

Remus only shook his head, knowing exactly what was happening. "Another war …" he whispered.

Sirius continued to tell him about the Triwizard Tournament, about Cedric's death, about Voldemort's strength. Remus shuddered and put a hand over his face. Not again. Please, not when we're finally together again. Now that Sirius is innocent and well.

"This can't be happening. My god, Sirius …"

Sirius trembled. "What if it's just like last time? Remus, I don't think I'd …"

"No," Remus said determinedly, leaning over the table toward Sirius. "This time we're stronger. We know more than we did last time."

Sirius visibly calmed, sitting back. They both sat there in silence and Remus' thought for a moment that something passed over Sirius' face. The air around them tensed and Remus felt his muscles taut with an old feeling. Something right and wonderful.

Sirius cleared his throat, and got up. "I'm a bit tired. Do you think it'd be okay for me to stay?" He asked, obviously unsure of the answer.

Remus scoffed, standing also. "Of course you can stay, Sirius! Stay for as long as you want. What a ridiculous question …"

Sirius smiled, bowing his head to avoid eye contact. He was blushing and it made Remus want to growl.

"But aren't you hungry?" Remus questioned, rubbing his neck where he felt a bit hot. Sirius probably hadn't eaten for a while now, so certainly he would want some food.

Sirius shook his head. "After a while, you get used to the lack of food. Then you don't need it as much. Anyway, I'm just very tired." He gave a sheepish grin that made Remus' stomach do a flip, and he gave in.

Once they made their way down the hall, Remus remembered that the cottage only had one bedroom. His throat tightened at the thought, and he coughed. "Urm … Well, you can sleep in here. I'll sleep on the couch later tonight."

"But Remus, I wouldn't want to intrude. I'll sleep on the couch, and-"

"No, Sirius. It's only fair that you get the bed, and me the couch. That thing is as hard as stone, and I wouldn't want you to-"

"I've been sleeping on stone for most my life, Remus. I told you that I would sleep on the couch, now get out of my way so I can-"

"Sirius! I told you I would sleep on the bloody couch. Now, if you'd listen for a minute and see how much I care about how comfortable you are, then maybe-"

But their lips met and there was no more arguing. Sirius pressed hard into Remus' body, pushing him against the door to the bedroom. Remus grabbed at his shirt, holding onto his shoulders fiercely. He tasted just like he had twelve years ago, sharp and fiery. Sirius groaned as their tongues clashed, fighting for dominance, but he was too slow.

Remus pulled away, gasping for breath. "You're tired, Sirius. We can," he kissed his lips lightly in sweet reassurance, "pick up where we left off."

Sirius grinned into another kiss, and opened the door behind them. "Come with me. Just stay 'til I fall asleep."

They kissed again, slowly and softly. Remus could feel Sirius all around him when he closed his eyes. He could hear every soft groan, he could smell their scents mingling, could feel Sirius. Everywhere.

Without bothering to change out of their clothes, they fell into Remus' once solitary bed. Sirius curved into Remus body, face to face with him. Pressing his head to Remus' chest, he started to tell him about his journey and about his running and hiding and how sick he was of it all. Remus held onto him, cradling him close and kissing his crown every so often.

"I was afraid that you had forgotten about me." Sirius said, voice empty and hollow.

"No, Sirius." Remus said, bringing his face closer to him. He held his gaze, making this as clear as possible. "I could never, no matter what happens, no matter how long, forget you. Sirius … Everyday I thought of you. Every day."

"But you didn't think of me like this," Sirius said sadly, looking down at their bodies pressed together in a warm tangle of limbs, only fabric causing a barrier between their closeness.

"I'll be honest with you, Sirius. Some days I hated you. But I never stopped thinking of you. You stayed alive inside of me. And, I would hate myself for still loving you."

Sirius searched his eyes, slowly lifting a thin hand to Remus' own that lay on his cheek. He covered it, running his fingers over the knuckles. "I love you too, Remus. They wouldn't let me remember, but I did."

Remus kissed him, feeling the trail of a tear run between their joined lips and he truthfully couldn't tell if it was Sirius' or his. After a long moment, Sirius kissed his way down his neck and rested his head on Remus' shoulder.

The sound of his deep, steady breathing lulled Remus to sleep as he lay wrapped his arms. He reveled in the fact that Sirius would be there the moment that he woke. Now that he was there, nothing else seemed to matter.

Love now surrounded him, held onto him as Sirius slept, pressed against him. Remus had completely forgotten how that had felt. It made him dizzy and delirious, and very, very muzzy. His last coherent thought as he dozed off, arms wrapped around the one that he thought he had lost, was that he had fallen in love harder than the first time.