Raine Check Chapter 1: Family Time and Ponderings, a tales of symphonia fanfic

Raine Check

By Sora G. Silverwind

Summary: I'm sorry, but the IC, coherent, and sane fic you were hoping to read is currently unavailable. If you leave your name and number after the tone, we can give you a Raine Check... (Incomplete?)

Rating: PG-13 (T?) for dirty humor, swearing, mature themes, and the occasional flying head.

Author's notes: "Crack." For some people, it's the sound their brains make while reading things like this. For others, it's a guilty pleasure that makes them laugh hysterically through their nose for the stupidest reasons. It's bad for both groups, but if everyone goes insane, then we'd all be normal.

Disclaimer: Zelos owns me on Saturday nights, Lloyd has me every other Tuesday, and I get to stay with Kratos on the second Wednesday of every month.

Special thanks to: Joker, Queenie, Post, and Vyctori for "da goods." And unnoted notables.

ToS-ToS-ToS

SKIT: Tales of Symphonia Coffee Talk

The easygoing tunes of jazz piano float carelessly in the air of the local coffeehouse. The rich earthy tones of the brick walls lend a cozy, comfortable atmosphere to the more-crowded-than-usual gathering place. Though the veteran visitors are clearly too wired (or perhaps too angsty) to care too much about the sudden invasion, they still manage to throw a few bloodshot glances in the direction of the crass menagerie.

The workers talk amongst themselves, as usual.

"We've got a large crew tonight," Mia remarks, expertly whipping up another order. "Where d'you think they all came from?"

"A fantasy convention?" Jenna ventures.

"They're aliens," Sheba says spookily, narrowing her eyes.

Jenna rolls her eyes. "Ugh. You and your conspiracy theories."

"I'm telling you, I'm only here because I fell from the sky when I was a baby!"

Jenna pretends to be interested in the icing on the coffee cake she's just placed in the display box in order to drown out Sheba's rant about her cosmic origins. Meanwhile, at one of the tables, a different rant of a different kind from a different blonde is raging...

"Dude!" exclaims the young Mithos Yggdrasill. "How much more obvious can you get with the twists in the game? It's like looking at a Twizzler—you see all the twists before they happen, and then if you stare at it long enough, they don't look like twists anymore! It makes me want to...to...to go stick it up someone's nose and see how long it takes for them to notice!"

Lloyd looks sad. "And waste a perfectly good piece of candy?"

"You!" Mithos leans forward on the table. "How did you not guess it was me when I showed up in Ozette? I even kept the same freakin' hairstyle! I was trying to go easy on you sorry brats, but you've got the brains of half of one-eighth an amoeba from three-day old primordial soup! Sheena looked like she came straight out of Rurouni Kenshin, as opposed to, like...The Sword in the Stone, so I have no clue why you guys were so shocked when you found out she was out of your world."

"Well, sor-rie if we weren't good enough to create the worlds..."

"And Kratos! I can't believe you guys over in Iselia would be dumb enough to hire any ol' mercenary to protect your precious Chosen! You got what was coming to you! And as soon as he sent Kvar on a one-way bullet train to hell, we all knew that he was connected to you somehow."

"Hey!" Lloyd glares. "If you had Kratos for a father, you wouldn't want to claim connections, either!"

"Ooh," Genis whispers. "Burrrrnn."

—ZIIIIIIP—

At the other end of the huge wooden table...

"ACHOO!"

"Allergies, Kratos?"

"I...think someone's talking about me..."

"I'd wager it's just another lusty fangirl. Tissues?"

"Yes, thank y—wait a minute, Yuan! You can't give me this! This is Martel's hand-woven handkerchief with that godawful octopus design on it that she gave to Mithos for his birthday! Not only do I refuse to be seen in public with that thing, but Mithos is going to kill you!"

"Pfft. He's not going to know!"

"That's what you said about our relationship, you prat!"

—ZIIIIIIP—

"Why not?" Chocolat speaks up. "Sexiness runs in your family."

Lloyd does a double-take.

"Oh, speaking of which!" Mithos crosses his arms. "What's up with my 'Lord Yggdrasill' getup? As if my long flaxen locks weren't enough, they put me in polyester full-body tights! Sure, it shows off my well-toned behind, but can you get any gayer than that?"

"Mithos, please," Raine admonishes him. "This isn't Sylvarant or Tethe'alla. You need to be more politically correct here."

"Hmph! Political correctness is the tool of bald, bigoted tyrants with nothing better to do than to pick on half-elves and shorties and cover it up with words that are made-up like a three-dollar French whore, all the while hailing Zelda games as the greatest thing since finely chopped bakery goods with too many carbs and preservatives. This world clashes more than plaid with striped polka dots!"

"Variety is the spice of life, you know."

"And too many spices spoil the soup."

"Hehe...touché."

"Cliché, if you ask me." Genis chews on a piece of coffee cake. "Dang...now those were going around like the plague on a Rheiard."

"Especially from you guys." Mithos glares at Lloyd. "Geez, if your speeches got any cheesier, you'd have put the Cheetos cheetah out of a job!"

Lloyd frowns. "Well, that's all good and deep, but it really doesn't matter at this point, you know."

"What! Why not?"

"'Cause you're dead."

Mithos blinks. "...oh, right."

Suddenly...

BAM!

Zelos Wilder bursts in through the doors of the coffeehouse—

SWISH!

—swings his sword—

THWACK!

—and slices off Mithos' head.

THUD!

It lands bloodily on top of a college student's copy of Lysistrata.

Zelos grins, plops down on a chair, and steals a sip from Lloyd's latte. "Hey, guys, sorry I'm late! Did I miss anything?"

ToS-ToS-ToS

SKIT: The Aurion Family Hobby

A quaint little house with a white picket fence, brick driveway, and an ample backyard under a dusky winter sky.

Inside...

Anna, Kratos, and Lloyd are gathered around a crackling fireplace with a supply of chestnuts, marshmallows, and hot chocolate. They're all dressed in their pajamas.

Kratos sits crosslegged on a borrowed sofa cushion.

Anna leans lovingly against Kratos' shoulder.

Lloyd is sprawled out on a denim beanbag chair, chugging his hot chocolate. He nearly chokes on a marshmallow.

There is a short silence save for Lloyd's coughing fit.

Then...

The game begins.

Anna starts. "I hate Kvar," she says quietly.

"I hate Kvar even more," Lloyd says.

"I hate Kvar more than the two of you combined," Kratos says.

"I hate Kvar with a fiery, burning passion," Anna says.

"Even more than your fiery, burning passion for me?" Kratos asks slyly.

"Even more than that, dear," Anna replies, smiling.

Lloyd pretends to gag. "I hate Kvar with all my heart, soul, and genitals."

"Lloyd, keep it clean," Anna scolds.

"What! But the last time, Dad—"

"Never mind your dad. He still has some issues to work out."

Kratos ignores this and takes his turn. "I hate Kvar with a hellish, infernal hatred that could send Efreet crying to his mother."

"Ooh, points for the mythological reference," Anna remarks.

"Mooooooom!"

"I was just kidding, sweetie." Anna smiles. "I hate Kvar like I love the both of you. That is to say...a lot."

"Mmm...very antithetical," Kratos says, impressed. "Your English degree is serving you well."

"I hate Kvar like I hate when Mom and Dad remind me that I got the stupid genes in the family," Lloyd grumbles.

"Sorry, dear," Anna apologizes. "You know we don't mean it."

"I hate Kvar like I hate when blood cakes under my nails after a kill," Kratos says.

"I hate Kvar like I hate my menstrual cramps," Anna says.

"I hate Kvar like I hate Raine's cooking," Lloyd says.

"I hate Kvar like the winter needs the spring," Kratos says.

Lloyd blinks. "...that doesn't make any sense."

Kratos shrugs.

"I hate Kvar like I hate that one woman down the street whose desserts always win first prize at the school bake sale," Anna says, looking bitter.

"I hate Kvar like I hate writing four-page essays on the economic and social developments of the Balacruf Dynasty."

"I hate Kvar like I hate living my life right now because I've lived for four thousand freakin' years as a servant to my femboy apprentice, who didn't even give me insurance or my own office or even a modest business plaque when I was working for him, not to mention that the hours were totally out of left field and the pay was so horrible that I would have put my eyeballs through a cheese grater to get better compensation, and furthermore he created the crackpot 'reform plan' that ended up killing the only woman that was ever good in bed with me and leaving me with a rock-brained son who doesn't know the simplest thing about life, the universe, and everything, especially on courting a suitable specimen of the female species...or the male species for that matter!"

Lloyd and Anna stare at Kratos for a few seconds.

Kratos slumps back onto the floor, nearly blue in the face. THUMP!

"Your father wins," Anna announces solemnly.

"No fair!" Lloyd whines. "He was holding back!"

Kratos cackles triumphantly before passing out.

ToS-ToS-ToS

SKIT: Two Men Walk Into a Bar

"So, like, I was with this chick Jenna, right?" Alex of Imil sways uneasily to the beat of nonexistent music, almost falling off his stool. "And, like, she says got natural hair color, you know what I'm sayin'? I don't believe her, though, 'cause it's this weird purple color that's like...I dunno...a really bad hickey. I say, it's okay to be blonde. You don't need to, like...stick your head in a bucket of rotten raspberry juice to be edgy or sexy. I mean...blondes have a lot more fun anyway. And their boobs are bigger." He snorts Erkel-style, then smiles lazily. "'Course, she was just a B-cup, but..."

"Hehehehe..." Zelos hiccups before downing another shot glass. "Boobsh...boooooobsh..."

"Yeah, boobs. Them things girls have. They make...nice pillows."

"Heheh." HICCUP!

"Hehehehe."

A silence.

"...say, you, like, wanna come with me to see Jenna?"

"I tellsh you shomethin'"—Zelos gleefully waves around an empty glass bottle—"I needsh ta shee more of Shee-NA! But she don' like ta be sheen! Hehehe...get it?"

"Heh." Alex smirks. He lights up another smoke. "You be cool, man, you be cool." He inhales thoughtfully. "Jenna's like that, too. All nunnish and stuff."

"Hey!" Zelos shouts excitedly, banging his shot glass on the counter and turning to Alex, who's too out of it to be startled by this abrupt action. "You know what? My shishter's a nun too! It'sh all...sho...shad!"

"Mmm-hmm..."

"'Caushe, like, my maja got killed by her maja, and den...and den..." HICCUP! "And den shome peepsh and de Meltok'an m-mafia got mad and—" HICCUP! "—and dey're all like, get dee to a h-hennery and go lay shome eggsh or shomethin', and she goesh dere, and now she hatesh me and..." Zelos suddenly looks like he's about to cry. "AND N-NOW SHE HATESH ME!"

A pause while Zelos guzzles down another bottle. He burps loudly before going into another round of hiccups.

"Dude," Alex utters calmly. "Hatred is an illusion."

"Yeah? Well, illushion dish, ashhole! LIGHT SHPEAR CANNON!" HICCUP!

ToS-ToS-ToS

SKIT: Showdown

Regal stares intensely at Presea.

Presea stares intensely at Regal.

"..."

Suddenly...

They both make their move.

FWUMP!

They catch each other in a loving, lustful, hot, and sweaty embrace.

As they twist pornographically on the gaudy covers of the motel room bed, the ghost of Alicia Combatir emerges ominously from the dresser mirror with a weapon of mass destruction tucked safely in her nylons...

ToS-ToS-ToS

SKIT: Newlyweds—Zelos and Colette

"Oh, my little Co-Co!"

"Oh, you want some hot cocoa? All right, I'll get it ready in a jiffy!"

"Wait, that's not what I meant—!"

ToS-ToS-ToS

INTERVIEW: When Sheena Met Zelos

"Rrrgh...do we really have to visit that place on Memory Lane?"

"Come on! It wasn't that bad!"

"..."

"...compared to what I do to you now!"

"Wow, Zelos...didn't think you had it in you to own up to your failings!"

"Failings? What failings? I'm just always up for acknowledging another point-of-view, no matter how blasphemous it is! The great Zelos Wilder is pluralistic and...uh...great!"

"The only thing you're pluralistic about is the women you feel up. Well, anyway...our fateful meeting."

"Written in the stars."

"With the blood of slaughtered politicians and their treacherous mistresses."

"From a glittery gel pen."

"Scented with a hint of cinnamon."

"We were...young. And stupid. Especially Zelos."

"So what if all I knew how to do was switch the signs when you divide by a negative in an inequality? I knew how to get around with the ladies! And everyone knows that procreation is what matters in the end!"

"More like unadulterated copulation in your case."

"Dah..."

"I was 14, he was probably 17 or so. I had to go to Sybak to retrieve a few books from the library there for the researchers at the Imperial Research Academy. Lazy bastards. Anyway, Zelos was there...'studying.'"

"In my defense, I really was studying."

"Studying the posteriors of the female students, I bet."

"You have no faith at all in me."

"One of the posteriors you were studying was mine, asshole!"

"...it was a cute posterior! And I gotta say, your anterior was pretty hot too."

"Sadly, I was really flattered at the time that he was checking me out. Not only was he the Chosen, but he was...well...a guy...and I'd been used to having guys hit me, not hit on me. Not th-that I was getting abused or anything...it was all part of ninja training."

"The first time is always a little uncomfortable."

"I mean, there were a lot of guys in Mizuho that were really nice, like Orochi and Kuchinawa and Ranma, but I'd always been teased for being a 'macho chick' because I preferred breaking bricks with my little toe to...I dunno, primping my hair with the kimono-clad bimbos of the village. My hair sucks, anyway."

"Nonsense! Your hair is the delicious, succulent color of a freshly picked plum!"

"Save it."

"Duly noted! Heh...actually, Sheena's Amazon edginess was what turned me on to her in the first place. I could sense the fire of a warrior—and possibly a future lover—burning in her loins..."

"If only you'd seen the fire burning in my eyes. Then I wouldn't have to deal with you right now."

"Ah, the cruelty I suffer! But suffer I do, because I happily worship the goddess known as Sheena Fujibayashi, who is the ultimate incarnation of the ultimate woman—brains, brawn, beauty...and boobs!"

"Ugh...yeah. The bane of my existence."

"The base of your existence!"

"It was really pathetic. I used to get teased by Orochi and Kuchinawa because of my chest size. 'Dude! Like how can you fight with those in the way?' 'Pfft! They're not in the way; they're a natural shield! I think Orochi just has boobie envy!' 'As if!' 'Hey, don't look so glum! At least if you get stabbed in the chest, your heart will still be okay!' 'You could be the next Mai Shiranui!' 'Or Taki Number Two!' 'But no nipples. Nipples can put an eye out.' 'Don't run with nipples!' 'Hehe.' 'Hehehehe.' So on, so forth. THEY. NEVER. STOPPED."

"You have to admit, though, they did have some valid points."

"Well, I did used to fight with giant fans just to see what would...ahem. Anyway. My chest was the first thing Zelos commented on when I passed by him at the library. I thought it was the greatest thing back then. I was too innocent at the time to think anything of it except as a genuine compliment."

"I'm sincere in all of my compliments! What are you talking about?"

"He said, 'Hey, with a chest like that, you could make a potato sack look sexy!' Which totally floored me, because I used to wear clothes that were an ugly brown color and about ten sizes too big on me. The girls in Mizuho always made fun of me for it, calling me 'potato sack girl' and other related things. It wasn't my fault—that was the standard jumpsuit for ninjas-in-training! And since most ninjas were guys, it was tailored to fit their wood plank figure. Even so, it traumatized me until I was 16, when I finally passed the True Ninja Test and got to wear the official ninja uniform...which is what I wear now."

"Rawr..."

"Can it."

"Sheena did a good job of femming up the potato sack she was wearing that day."

"It wasn't really a potato sack—it just looked like one!"

"You had me fooled! Anyway, it was like she knew we were going to meet! Who knew a simple rope around the waist could enhance her curvaceous form? And I liked the wildflowers she stuck in the weave of the sack—totally sweet and innocent, but so much so that it was just...darn...enticing!"

"He plucked one of them off and gave them to me. I, uh...pressed and dried it in a book later."

"You know you love me."

"I'd love to hate you."

"You mean you don't hate me now?"

"...argh. I totally hate you."

"Hehehehehe."

ToS-ToS-ToS

SKIT: Tales of Symphonia Coffee Talk, Revisited

"Say..." Sheena thoughtfully swirls the whipped cream into her vanilla frappuccino. "Why didn't they just put a Quick Jump option when we had to revisit all those ruins and stuff to get the Summon Spirits?"

Genis shrugs. "Sake of realism?"

"Are you kidding?" Zelos quips. "In this game?"

"I'm more inclined towards 'sadism on the part of the developers,'" Raine says. "Or, if you want to be optimistic...laziness."

"At least we didn't have to go through the puzzles again," Lloyd says with a sigh of relief. "It was hard enough getting the puzzles right in the first place."

"But then conveniently enough, if we messed up, we could reset most of the puzzles by leaving the room..." Regal muses.

"That's partly our mistake," Rodyle says, passing by from throwing away some trash. "When we were designing our bases, we used that program to test our defenses. We kept on getting lost in our own puzzles, so we just had the program restart just by walking out of the room. We don't like to work hard, either."

"A brilliant mechanism!" Raine says happily. "Until you get it right, the system will keep rebooting itself as a precaution against invaders so no one gets an unfair jump start during infiltration!"

"If you want to put it that way. We just wanted to get it all done before the Superbowl came on." Rodyle wanders off to join his buddies at the end of the table.

"Well, you know what they say, life is like an RPG," Genis says. He slurped down the rest of his iced milk.

"It is true that life—mine, at least—is simply the whims of a super-computer and randomly generated numbers," Presea droned, staring at her still-full venti cup of coffee, "which truly are not so random."

"Does that mean that there's such a thing as fate?" Sheena wanted to know.

"Fate is irrelevant. Function is the priority."

"So we're all just digitized pieces of information, ready to be raped from the database?" Lloyd says. "What is this, the Digiworld?"

Genis simpers. "Nah, it's gotta be more like...uh...Yggdrasil."

"But he's dead!"

"No...Yggdrasil. You know. The computer system that keeps the world running. Or the Tree of Life, if you're spiritual like that."

"Ohh...you mean from Oh My Goddess."

"Right."

Raine ponders for a moment. "I guess you could compare Mithos to the Yggdrasil system, though...in a way. He did a lot concerning the creation and function of Sylvarant and Tethe'alla, after all."

Lloyd also scrunches his brow up in thought. "Then...maybe Sheena's Summon Spirits are like..."

"Anti-virus programs?" Genis finishes.

"Perhaps 'firewalls' are a better comparison," Raine says.

"What if Mithos was the Almighty in Oh My Goddess?" Sheena suggests.

"Then Keiichi would be dead already, 'cause he's human!" Lloyd says.

"But Belldandy and her sisters aren't angels..." Colette says. "They're goddesses."

"Maybe they're like Martel," Zelos says. "They're all actually half-elves, but because of some truth-twisting and deception on the part of some cruel organization created by a misunderstood adolescent, they've been exalted as goddesses to worship in order to make the peons pay up."

"But Martel didn't have any markings on her face," Colette says.

"And no one worships those three, either," Sheena says.

"Keiichi worships Belldandy," Genis points out.

Zelos waves a hand. "Pfft! That's 'whoreship,' not 'worship.' Two different things."

Regal blinks. "I...have absolutely not a single clue what they are talking about."

Presea closes her eyes.

Regal stares confusedly at her.

"14,257 hits for 'goddesses,' 'Yggdrasil,' and 'Keiichi,'" Presea intones. "Some results are similar to others found and have thus been omitted. Would you like me to go through the results?"

"...I think I'll go get another cup of coffee."

ToS-ToS-ToS

RAINE CHECK PLZ