Title: Wish
Fandom: Loveless
Pairing: Soubi/Ritsuka
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Summary: Ritsuka is afraid to want because he knows he won't be able to keep.

Notes after fic.

Wish
by Ryuuza

He hates it when Soubi says "I love you" because it's the one thing he really wants to hear. But he doesn't want it hollow and empty, induced by a command Soubi can't help but obey; Ritsuka wants the sincerity of the phrase, the simplicity of truth of feeling. He doesn't just want to be told he is loved, he wants to be loved. So whenever Soubi says "I love you" like all the lies falling from his lips, Ritsuka shouts, "Don't!" because he wants to believe it, but can't.

Seimei, he thinks longingly, wishing his brother was there to explain things. Wishing he were there so there wouldn't be anything to explain… The simplicity of brotherhood, of trust and smiles and protection: that was his world before Seimei's death. Ritsuka lost those things with his brother and now there is no one to shelter him from the cruelties of reality, of his mother's hatred or his teacher's pity or his classmates' gossip.

There is a world, unfamiliar now, and all he has is Soubi.

"What're you doing here?" he asks irritably, frowning up at the man waiting for him at the school gates again.

Soubi pushes himself away from the gate, smiling down at him. "Yuiko-chan isn't with you today?"

Ritsuka looks away, not wanting to think about his "friend" either. He is uncomfortable with having friends; no one has bothered his solitude before and it was easier that way. He doesn't know what to do with the irrepressible girl who is so determined to be with him, be there for him, to know him and care for him. It's a feeling, almost new, so old that he's forgotten, and he can't compare it to the intangible thing he has with Soubi; it's so different. There are fewer words. "Sensei wanted to talk to her," he says to drown out his thoughts. "She wants me to wait for her."

Soubi's eyes are unreadable, shadowed by the long hair falling over his face as he leans forward. "Ritsuka," he murmurs, and Ritsuka looks up involuntarily. "Do you want to get some ice cream?"

A beat, as Ritsuka stares, and then his ears twitch. "Can we?" he asks, brightening. He hasn't had sweets in a long time and the weather has been hot lately, nearing the sweltering humidity of summer. He latches onto Soubi's arm, face turned upward. "Can I have two scoops, one of mint chocolate chip and the other bubble gum?" His tail swishes in excitement.

Patting Ritsuka on the head, Soubi smiles in amusement even as he leads the boy away from the school. "That's an interesting combination, Ritsuka."

Ritsuka's face falls. "But—"

"Let's go then."

The almost-sulk brightens again and Ritsuka follows Soubi happily, completely forgetting his promise to Yuiko. He remembers it again later in the ice-cream parlor and his happiness fades a little, dimmed by guilt. But it's better this way, he reasons to himself. He shouldn't let anyone get too close to him. He doesn't actually exist, after all, and whatever life he has at the moment is only a stolen one.

"Ah, why is Ritsuka making that sad face?" Soubi is smiling the smile Ritsuka has come to associate with evil, embarrassing things and he jerks back, but not in time.

"Open wide," the other man teases, bringing up a spoonful of his strawberry sundae to Ritsuka's mouth.

"Soubi!" Flushing, Ritsuka reluctantly opens his mouth because it's better than making a scene, and the spoon slips inside. He wraps his tongue around the cold, sweet treat and savors it, tangy with a fruit flavor that is missing from his own ice cream. When he looks up, his mouth still wrapped around the spoon, he finds Soubi staring at him, the unreadable look back in his eyes.

"Ritsuka," he says softly.

Hurriedly, Ritsuka lets the spoon slip back out of his mouth and sits back, concentrating on his own ice cream cone. "Don't do anything stupid," he mutters, his gaze locked on the white tiles of the store's floor. He would wonder why his heart is beating faster than normal but he's afraid he knows too well why.

For once, Soubi seems to take the hint and, after a moment of silence, he begins to speak of his classes at the university.

Ritsuka gives up his rapt attention from the floor and lifts his gaze back to Soubi's face. "What are you painting right now?" he asks, always intrigued by the other's major in Japanese painting. "Will you show me sometime?"

"Of course," is the answer, accompanied by a warm smile.

Even as Soubi continues discussing his art projects, Ritsuka notices an almost casual but strictly observed avoidance of Soubi's personal life. I know so little about him, he thinks, and he wonders why they're drawn to each other. Because of Seimei, is his conclusion, as always, and he experiences that rush of anger, of fierce determination, to find Seimei's killers. And in that he knows Soubi will be on his side, even if he refuses to answer some of Ritsuka's most pressing questions.

But as Ritsuka watches Soubi talk, thoughts of warcrafts and sacrifices and vengeance fade. He instead observes the light playing off Soubi's skin, highlighting a pale slice of cheek with a golden color, threading through his long hair like filigree. Those hands with their long tapered fingers are shaping the air, describing a fleeting motion of wings captured for eternity on his canvas, and Ritsuka wonders what that hand looks like with a brush in its grasp. Then his eyes rest on the mouth, moving, smiling, familiar…

Ritsuka likes times like now with Soubi. He likes sitting and making memories (his camera has been busy all afternoon and now sits on the tabletop beside his napkins) and being able to remember something that was his, almost, in a way. "Ritsuka" didn't have these memories; they were his alone. His mother couldn't take them away and they hadn't vanished with Seimei. These were present and here and almost tangible… Painless and his, these were his favorite times.

"Your ice cream is melting," he interrupts Soubi, frowning at the puddle of pink forming in Soubi's bowl.

"Ah" Soubi glances down and shrugs, "that's too bad. I've never liked ice cream soup."

Ritsuka leans over the table and peers at it thoughtfully, ears twitching. "It's not so bad," he says, dipping a finger in the melted ice cream and sticking it in his mouth. He does hate to waste sweets when they're such a rare treat. "Still edible," he tells Soubi seriously.

Soubi is staring again, but this time the look in his eyes is soft. He raises a hand to brush lightly against Ritsuka's cheek, knuckles grazing over flushing skin.

He doesn't know why he's blushing, why Soubi's look affects him so much. "Finish it," he tells Soubi shortly, sitting back abruptly. "Don't waste food."

"As you wish," is the murmured reply. The spoon is lifted again and Ritsuka can't drag his eyes away from the way it slides into Soubi's mouth. He catches himself and jerks his gaze away, licking nervously at his own cone.

"I need to get home," he says eventually, having reduced his cone to its last vestiges while unwaveringly not-looking at Soubi.

They walk home together, Ritsuka clinging to his camera and schoolbag, Soubi strolling at his side. The sun is still high in the sky in this late spring and a few flowers are still blooming, dashes of bright colors artfully arranged along the streets and apartments. People pass them in the streets without a second look and, for a while, Ritsuka can pretend he's a normal boy with a normal life and a normal, loving home to return to, and someone protecting him by his side.

It's bittersweet, really, but he clings to it because he wants it so desperately.

"Ritsuka," Soubi says when they've stopped at Ritsuka's back door. Ritsuka stands on the step and looks at him, tall and beautiful and limned in sunlight. How did Seimei know you, Soubi? he wonders. Did he love you? His gaze flickers downward. …like I do?

Soubi leans down and presses a lingering kiss to his mouth. "Suki da yo, Ritsuka," he murmurs.

Ritsuka pulls back and turns away. "Go home," he says, not looking at Soubi. He grips the doorknob tightly, waiting until he hears the footsteps fading away before he twists his head around to watch Soubi's back. He raises his free hand to his mouth.

I love you, Soubi has said again.

Ritsuka hates hearing that phrase, especially from him. I don't want to fall in love with you, he thinks fiercely, because you're not mine. Nothing is mine.

But this time, he can almost forgive Soubi for saying something he wants so badly to believe.

He won't call it hope, though, only wishful thinking.

Notes:

Written after watching the first three episodes of Loveless (oh MinaJun I love thee) and reading the manga through volume 2. I wasn't sure I wanted to write something for it though, but certain people prodded me to write something, so I thought I'd give it a shot.

I'm not sure this thing has a plot. Mostly, it's just me experimenting with the characters and getting a feel for them and familiarizing myself with the general atmosphere of the series. I think I pretty much screwed that over after watching the fourth episode.

Forgive the suckness for I have a Ryoma-muse that is much more familiar than a Ritsuka-muse. That is, I think I've gotten too used to writing Teniupri…so Ritsuka is likely to sound more like Ryoma than himself. Oops.

Honestly, though, do you know how hard it is to get into Ritsuka's head? He's such a paradox. All angsty and mature one moment, then snarky and terrorizing to his classmates the next, then cute and uke around Soubi…maa. Why do I love this boy? Oh wait, those were the reasons. …-.-;

Oh, on the matter of "warcrafts" versus "fighters" (manga vs. anime, respectively): I'm not sure why I used the former over the latter. I really don't have a preference at the moment and I haven't seen any particular trend in fanfics… So, let's just go with it, shall we?

Started & Finished: 05.03.05
Edited: 05.06.05