John Sheppard's Book of Computer Repair
(A step by step process for non-geeks)

When encountering a computer problem (especially when you are just moments from finishing a report that took you all morning to write) try the following:

Step #1
Stare at computer in disbelief.

Step #2
Repeat the previously ignored command you just gave the computer over and over until it locks up completely.

Step #3
Repeat the following mantra "No. No, no, NO, NO, NOOOOOO!"

Step #4
Hit the "return" key several times as hard as possible, immediately segue into step #5.

Step #5
Randomly slam keys on the keyboard until "blue screen of death" appears.

Step #6
Unabashedly beg the computer for forgiveness. When that doesn't work…

Step #7
Slap the monitor several times until it goes completely black.

Step #8
Bang head on table repeatedly.

Step #9
Accept the fact that your report is probably lost somewhere amongst the magical plastic cards that make up the computer. Sigh heavily.

Step #10
Turn off computer.

Step #11
Wait one minute while resisting the urge to kick computer through doorway.

Step #12
Turn computer on and allow to reboot.

Step #13
Curse violently at screen when smug "next time shut down windows properly" message appears.

Step #14
Vainly attempt to find report somewhere on hard drive.

Step #15
After spending more time trying to find the report than it actually took you to write it, take laptop to nearest available science geek.

Step #16
Restrain self from strangling science geek while he/she shakes his/her head condescendingly, pulls up your missing document within three seconds, then lectures you on the proper handling of laptops.

Step #17
Grit teeth. Thank geek.

Step #18
Return to desk and complete last bit of report.

Step #19
Enter command to print document.

Step #20
When report will not print, check to see if printer is plugged in. Out of ink? Turned on? Out of paper?

Step #21
Curse.

Step #22
Violently kick anything within reach (except laptop).

Step #23
Sit on bed and rub sore foot.

Step #24
Admit defeat.

Step #25
Blow off report and go grab a sandwich in the mess hall instead. I highly recommend the turkey.

END