I don't own Invader Zim. Still. Characters created by Jhonen Vasquez. Still.

Scratch My Back And...

Chapter One: What's in it for me?

"Neither older brother nor younger brother." Japanese expression describing complete chaos, something with no order or organization; similar to our own "I can't make head or tail out of it."

Shutting the door of the nurse's office, Dib attempted a slight grimace and winced. Yes, his nose was still sore from when Zim had driven the ruler three inches into it. Furious, Dib had grabbed a ruler himself and prepared to return the favor... until he remembered Zim didn't even have a nose.

The wait had taken much longer than the actual treatment, a sharp tug followed by a stinging swab of antiseptic. Now Dib checked his watch; lunch had already started, so he headed briskly for the cafeteria, hoping something actually edible remained.

On his way to the food counter, Dib hurried past tables full of kids babbling happily away. A few of them looked up as he went by, not to welcome him to sit at their table but to make sure he sat elsewhere. On the plus side, they generally left him alone at lunchtime, as long as he didn't do anything they considered too weird.

Now carrying a tray of steamed beans and creamed meat, Dib soon located the only table at which he could sit. It was the loneliest table in the room, unoccupied except for one person, Gaz. Her own lunch long since finished, she was hunched intently over her GameSlave.

Gaz much preferred a completely empty table, but nobody else was willing to sit with Dib and she reluctantly conceded that he had to sit somewhere. As she took most of her breakfasts and more than a few suppers with Dib, Gaz could hardly claim that the sight of him killed her appetite. As he approached her table, however, she shot him a glance which he knew was a warning that if he made too much noise for her liking, he'd be sorry.

Before sitting down, Dib scanned the cafeteria until he located Zim, sitting two tables over with Keef, Melvin, Dirge, and Matthew P. Mathers III. Even the other skool rejects could band together for a sort of miserable solidarity.

As he braced for the taunts which would surely follow Zim's having sent him in defeat to the nurse's office, Dib soon realized Zim was being strangely quiet... quiet for Zim, that is. Now the alien's attempts to blend in with the crowd included being careful not to be any louder than anyone else. And when Zim talked without screaming at the top of his lungs, that could mean only one thing: he was definitely up to something!

To better catch Zim's every word, any one of which could be a vital clue, Dib actually listened instead of speaking his every thought aloud... and this, much to Gaz's relief, kept Dib most uncharacteristically quiet as well.

Dib listened intently to Zim's words weaving in and out of the various conversations. For the first time in a long while, he heard the mundane content of the other kids' everyday chat. None of them was discussing anything interesting, just the latest gossip about which kid had asked which kid out; occasionally they expanded their subject matter enough to wonder which movie star was now going out with which singer or drummer of what band. Dib pulled a face, carefully; his nose was still aching. How could anyone confine themselves to such boring subjects the day after the most intriguing episode ever of "Mysterious Mysteries"?

Dib stood up to watch Zim push his spork around in today's menu offerings, quietly pretending to eat his lunch and beyond doubt cooking up a spectacularly evil scheme. Instead of the usual random shrieks of "I'M NORMAL!" one minute and "I AM ZI-II-IIIM!" the next, Zim was saying to Keef, "Yes, I'm a perfectly normal human worm baby." Licking the wrapper of a tomato flavored fruit rollup, Keef nodded. "You mean you're perfectly normal too?" continued Zim. "Well, well, well! Isn't that normal. What is the most normal thing you talk about... normally?"

But before Dib could hear any normal conversations, a big red haired kid, Keef's older brother Teef, stalked up and interrupted.

"Hey, Keef, my calculator's batteries are dead, let me borrow yours." Teef was already holding out his hand.

"No!" Keef said, giggling even as he refused.

Dib frowned. Oh, how they loved saying that to you every chance they got...

"Come on, Keef, I need it. I have a big test this afternoon."

"Okay. You can have the... batteries!" Keef began laughing as if this was the funniest joke in the world.

"Your batteries won't fit my calculator. I need the whole thing, Keef. Please."

"Push them!" Keef started laughing again.

Not getting the joke, Teef leaned in menacingly. "Give it now... or I'll get you good as soon as we get home!"

"Then I'll yell and mom and dad'll catch you!"

"Then I'll get you later, when they're not around!"

They both fell quiet for a few seconds, deadlocked.

"Just for this one afternoon. Right after skool I'll give it right back. I promise." Teef glanced at the clock uneasily. "Tell you what. Next time I to that cool comic place I'll bring one home for you. How's that?"

"Hooray! Okay I want some comics and action figures and a really BIG poster and a T-shirt and a... " Keef began rattling off his wish list as happily if they were in the store already and it was Christmas Eve. Perhaps he figured that by requesting as many items as he could think of, he might actually get two of them. If that was the case, it worked.

"Whoa, whoa. Okay, two... but that's my final offer."

So Teef walked away with the calculator in his hand and a look of relief on his face, while Keef beamed with anticipation as he finished his lunch.

Even after watching it happen right in front of him, Dib still couldn't figure out how the situation had so rapidly gone from teasing and threats, to total stalemate, to both sides getting exactly what they wanted. Whenever he tried asking Gaz for anything, even when he offered her something in exchange, her response was much more likely to be, "If you want to keep all your limbs, you will shut up NOW."

Now that Keef's brother had finally left, Dib could once again hear what Zim was saying to him. But by this time the alien was talking to Melvin, sitting on his other side. "LI-II-IIES! That is nothing more than the Dib human's filthy human LIES! Whatever I am, I am NOT an alien here to enslave all humans, and I am even more NOT an invader from a planet planning to rule the entire universe."

"Oh," said Melvin, completely convinced.

Dib shook his head. How did anybody get this gullible?

"I want to be an astronaut!" Melvin went on.

"I wouldn't!" said Zim, too quickly. "It's too lonely out there. I never see anybody when I'm flying around in space, no Meekrob or Plookesians or Vortians, and certainly not one single Irken. No, nobody at all."

Melvin looked like he was about to ask what else wasn't out there, but before he could do so, a plump little girl from Grade One or Two ran up to him, whining, "I got no lunch money!" as piteously as a starving orphan begging for a penny.

"Mom told us that had to last the whole week. What did you do with yours? Melanie...?"

Melanie didn't want to answer, but as Melvin had the money she wanted, she eventually did. "I... I spent it."

"On...?"

"C - Candy!" Melanie covered her face and began to cry, but whether they were crocodile tears or the real deal, Dib had no idea. When Gaz was disappointed, frustrated, or upset, God knew crying was the last thing she'd do...

Then Dib saw something Melvin didn't notice; Melanie peeked from behind her hand to check his reaction before crying even louder. Melvin reached for his pocket. "Okay, okay," he sighed, taking out a bill.

Melanie grabbed for the money and would have carelessly skipped away, but Melvin held one corner until she met his eyes. "If I tell Mom I lost my lunch money twice in one week she'll get mad at me... so don't tell her... and... And! Do NOT spend this on candy too." He wouldn't let go until she promised she wouldn't do either.

Dib shuddered, remembering what happened whenever he tried holding out for something in exchange whenever Gaz wanted something from him. She simply said, "If you want to keep all your limbs you will give me that NOW."

Remembering one more reason he seldom bothered to eavesdrop, Dib sighed. As long as his own experience of being firstborn was the only one he knew, he could simply resign himself to it as he would a hideous birthmark or hereditary disease. What he heard from the other kids both reminded him otherwise and emphasized his own failings. Since nothing he'd seen working for the other kids had ever worked on Gaz, Dib still wondered what he was doing wrong.

In the rest of the world, younger siblings were rarely worse than impish and mouthy, and even then they tended to joke their way out of difficult situations or play up the cute and helpless angle; it was older siblings who negotiated from positions of power. At the very least, the additional work and responsibilities shouldered by the older kids were balanced against extra privileges.

Older siblings got more household chores, but they also got a bigger allowance. Few kids liked it when their parents went out leaving an older sibling in charge, but if anything went wrong that same older sibling would be held responsible. Kids were expected to protect their younger siblings, but if their younger siblings teased them too much, these same bigger kids could just as easily turn this physical strength to their own advantage.

Things existed in perpetual balance... in other families, that is.

As the older sibling, Dib invariably got the duty of going out for groceries, but as soon as the food was home Gaz seized first pick of everything and defended this self-awarded privilege savagely. For all the pizza that was consumed in their household, Dib was certain that if he ever reached for the first slice, even after going out for it himself in a downpour or snowstorm, he would lose his hand.

As the older kid, Dib did all the cleaning up. Gaz's part was to traipse all around the house eating what she liked when she liked, leaving more messes for Dib to clean up.

Although only one year separated them, Dib was expected to be there whenever Gaz needed him... but he couldn't count on her for a single thing.

Because Dib was all of a year older than Gaz, when their mother died their father suddenly proclaimed Dib old enough to start doing chores. By this time, however, Gaz was also older than she had been then... but she continued to act with as much indulgence and as little responsibility as she had when she was in kindergarten. Dib was still waiting for her to feel like cooking dinner, for one thing.

And as for his father leaving him in charge as the older kid... what a joke. Trying to advise Gaz not to do something was one way for Dib to risk a beating up, and her now much greater physical strength made her raging tantrums even less adorable and benign than ever. If Gaz's forbidden project backfired and made a mess, she just walked away leaving Dib to contend with any consequences. When Gaz spoke to him at all other than to say shut up, it was to tell him what she wanted him to do, and if he ever prepared anything for supper other than what Gaz wanted, there'd be all nine circles of hell to pay.

Zim's voice speaking his name took Dib out of these unpleasant musings. The alien was now trying to strike up a conversation with someone at the next table. "Yes indeed, Dib is nothing more than a pathetic earth monkey. I myself am perfectly normal, just like all these other pathetic earth monkeys."

Unfortunately, the debate which just then sprang up between Dirge and Matthew P. Mathers III made it difficult for Dib to hear anything else.

"I was born with webbed fish toes, like some sort of horrible fish boy! Wanna see?"

At this invitation, Matthew P.Mathers III screamed and turned even paler than he already was, if that was possible. "No! Don't!"

"Aw c'mon! It's really gross and cool!" Dirge reached for his shoelaces, but hesitated when Matthew P. Mathers III crouched, preparing to run. "Just a little peep?" he wheedled. Just two seconds? One second! One half second? Aw, c'mon! Please?"

Somehow Dib found himself wondering what the outcome of this unusual scene would be. Most kids would jump at a chance to see anything unusual (unless it was paranormal, he thought ruefully), and if Dib himself had some deformity, he certainly wouldn't want anybody staring at it. Constantly hearing about his supposedly large head got to be tiresome enough.

Suddenly Dirge offered the skoolyard's standard currency. "I'll give you a baseball card."

Matthew P. Mathers III just held his stomach and shook his head.

"I'll give you two baseball cards!"

Matthew P. Mathers III still wasn't interested.

"Three? Four! Five... and that's my final offer!"

Matthew P. Mathers III eyes now brightened. "Six... and I get to pick. AND... !" Here his eyes hardened.

"And?" Already untying his shoelaces, Dirge now hesitated.

"A really good movie's on tonight but we have homework."

"So? Do your homework while you watch TV!"

"My dad won't let me do them both together. You take my notebook home tonight and do my homework after you do your own... and you can show me your... gulp...toes... when you give me my notebook tomorrow... WITH all my homework done!"

"What? With that good movie on tonight? No way!" Dirge started to tie his shoelaces again.

"You want to show me your toes, don't you?"

Dirge paused. "Okay," he agreed, and finished tying his shoelaces, patting the tips of his shoes as if he was already showing off his webbed toes. Dirge had finally gotten Matthew P. Mathers III to surrender... or had Dirge surrendered? Either way, both kids were now happy.

Hmmm, so that was in fact how you did it. Both sides wanted something, both sides had something, both sides offered something, and both sides got something. In fact, Dib had been offering Gaz something that he knew she would want whenever he was asking her for something, or at the very least pointing out how she would benefit, but it never worked for him. Dib's thoughts went back to what had happened after breakfast that very morning.

"Gaz are you turning on the TV NOW?" he carefully asked. Sitting down to watch early morning cartoons, she ignored him as completely as if he wasn't even there.

"Even if we run all the way we might still be late! Why don't you just record the program so you can watch it after skool, when you can relax without watching the clock?"

Without taking her eyes off the TV screen, Gaz finally bothered to speak. "YOU watch the clock."

"But Gaz I have to be there early! This is important! Please, just this once!"

"Whiner!" Gaz sneered contemptuously at his pleas... even though a more forceful approach would have gotten Dib soundly smacked around.

"Zim's probably plotting something right now Gaz! The fate of the world could be at stake!"

As she usually did when he began sounding desperate, Gaz turned away from him, her shoulders shaking as though she was stifling laughter.

"Gaz, all I need to do is stop him once and for all! That's all I'm asking. Once the world is safe, I'll wait as long as you want... any morning you want. How's this? I'll even keep quiet!"

"I don't want to wait that long. Shut up now, idiot."

Suddenly quiet, Dib swallowed hard. Why did she always use that word? Dib's intelligence was the very thing he liked most about himself, so this insult hurt him worse than any other. Slowly, he walked away.

A few minutes later he returned, cautiously offering Gaz her backpack. Wordlessly she stared at him, stared until that nervous grin she so enjoyed began to appear on Dib's face. Through gritted teeth she ground out the words. "You will sit. Down and wait. Until I'm good. And. Ready. Idiot." That word again...

Gaz's eyes continued to drill into his until Dib sank back onto the couch, knowing only too well what that glare meant. That she hadn't actually attacked him as often lately didn't mean that she was finally learning how to act like a civilized human being, far from it. More and more often lately, he simply chose the lesser of two evils and did as she wanted rather than risk the pain and worse, the humiliation of yet another beating from his "little" sister.

He constantly faced an unholy choice, one with no correct response. Standing up for himself only got him beaten up; backing down to stay safe left him feeling weak and worthless. After each of these incidents meeting his own eyes in the mirror got more and more difficult, even when she didn't rub it in. At least this time she was too engrossed in the cartoons to flick out that brazen, snotty little phrase she loved to mouth so much, the "rightful order."

After another panicky glance at his watch, Dib slowly stood up and began to back towards the door. "Okay, I'll just go on ahead, and you can catch up with - "

"We are leaving together you idiot, that is final, and if you don't shut up this second I'll KICK you all the way to skool when we do!"

His insides curling with shame, Dib meekly sat down to continue waiting. He was grateful for one thing only, that nobody else was around to witness this.

Only when Zim walked right past him without a word could Dib stop dwelling on that embarrassing memory. Dumfounded that Zim would now take no notice of him at all, Dib stared after the alien for a moment after he left the cafeteria. "He's pretending I'm not even here!" Dib finally howled. "Usually he says his insults TO me, not ABOUT me! I KNOW he's planning something now!"

Only when he looked around to see if anyone at all was listening did Dib realize that he was the last kid remaining in the cafeteria. If he hurried he could still make it back to class on time.

X X X X X X

"... am amazingly normal, and in no way at all different from you inferior human pig smellies. I AM ZI-II-IIIM!"

As Zim concluded his class presentation (with all the other kids swallowing every obvious contradiction without question) Dib turned away in disgust. Outside the window, the sky filled with dark clouds, which made him feel even gloomier. All that careful eavesdropping over lunch had failed to bring in a single byte of information... except that his classmates could do something he couldn't... negotiate with a sibling.

Dib knew Zim better than anyone else, and when Zim was quiet, you could bet that meant something was definitely up. Dib fought off thoughts of the danger... whatever it was... looming closer every minute even as he tried to figure his best course of action. Muttering madly to himself, Dib gripped his forehead with one hand as with the other he frantically drummed his fingers on his desk, until he noticed Rob preparing to give him another wedgie.

What he needed, needed desperately, was a few kids, a teacher, anybody! to believe him. Even one ally in his corner would greatly tip the odds in Dib's... and therefore the earth's... favor. Even if whatever Zim was scheming up went beyond what they could deal with themselves, the authorities who kept telling him he was hallucinating would find dismissing an entire group of eyewitnesses NOT... QUITE... as easy as dismissing only one!

Now more quietly pondering the best approach, Dib recalled what he'd seen in the cafeteria. To get people to do something they weren't willing to do, you'd better show them how they would also benefit. Well, that was easy!

Even people who cared about nothing else cared about their own safety, that much Dib knew. Surely once they realized that their freedom, perhaps even their very lives, were at stake, they'd want to do something!

The biggest obstacle was that Zim wasn't right that minute doing anything out of the ordinary that anybody except Dib could even see, so Dib figured his best option was to expose Zim's claim of being human as an outright lie. When they realized they'd been lied to, people could get pretty angry, and once he'd made it that far, getting them suspicious of Zim would get a whole lot easier!

Since nobody else believed in aliens to begin with, Dib tried putting himself in their shoes. What would be the quickest way to convince them? Anyone trying to make Dib himself believe that an obvious hoax, such as Chickenfoot, was walking down the street, would have to cough up some convincing proof indeed. But with less than an hour remaining in the skool day, where would he find sufficient proof for such hardcore skeptics before skool ended and everyone went home?

As Dib discarded one plan after another, the clouds continued to build in the sky. Suddenly, raindrops began hitting the glass. Dib's face brightened immediately. Slowly, he turned around just enough to check whether Zim had noticed this change in the weather.

Indeed he had; the alien was now eyeing the window nervously. While it was by no means a cloudburst, enough was falling that Zim would be none too comfortable outdoors. Immediately Dib knew what he would do.

To keep his reaction to water a secret, Zim made sure to keep out of the rain as much as possible. Well, Dib saw this as one more chance to expose Zim as the alien he was, and head off the danger to his fellow classmates. Surely this time they would realize he was trying to save them, not annoy them!

Not soon enough for Dib, but all too soon for Zim, the bell rang and Ms. Bitters was predicting everybody was doomed to catch a fatal case of pneumonia from getting soaked on the way home. On his way out, Dib noted the alien taking his time preparing to leave, no doubt hoping to keep his dread of the rain to himself.

Dib took up a position against the wall just outside the door, springing on Zim as soon as the alien emerged from the classroom. Pushing Zim's head down took him completely by surprise, and twisting one of Zim's arms behind his back allowed Dib to keep his enemy off balance long enough to drag him past the other kids, past the teacher watching at the door, and right outside.

As soon as the stream of rainwater from the roof hit him, Zim yanked himself free and dashed back inside, rolling on the floor and screaming, as clouds of smoke began billowing. The other kids backed away to form a circle around him, not sure what, if anything, they should do. Even the teacher was staring, too surprised to utter a single word.

Dib was more than a little wet himself as he jumped back indoors, but if after this even one person believed him it would be well worth it!

"THERE! SEE?" he shrieked, pointing to Zim with one arm while flailing the other around in every direction. "I ask you, who else do you know... what HUMAN... does THAT... over a little rain? Screams... and... and SMOKES?"

For a second no one, except Zim, made a sound... Dib realized he was holding his breath...

End of this chapter

(A/N) As this is my longest fic to date at 7 or 8 chapters, I'll be updating this one a chapter at a time.

I admit to dragging my feet on the writing of this one, because the first half gets really sad. (Well some of us would think so.) Right now I'm waiting to hear from a beta reader, but once I resume posting, I'll be updating very quickly in case anybody else also finds this sort of thing depressing.

I don't want to bring this other person down too.