Author: Lia
Rating: M
Warnings: Slash, Han/Luke pairing.
Timeline: shortly after ROTJ
Summary: Luke wants to have a special night with Han, with the help of Qui-Gon Jinn, Yoda and... Threepio?.
Disclaimer: Luke, Han and the whole Star Wars Universe belongs to George Lucas. Pity.
Feedback: Yes, I'll be glad and infinetely grateful if you write.
FACTS OF LIFE PART II
THE BOOK OF LOVE
"An exhasperating padawan he was, and an irrepressible Jedi Master he has been. Many times has Master Qui-Gon proven wrong to be right and right to be wrong, though. So to write this book permission I granted him. To be this one of the times he proves wrong to be right, I REALLY DO hope..."
Jedi Master Yoda, preface of "On Force Enhanced Sex", by Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn.
"Is Luke ill? It's not that virus again, is it?" the voice in the comlink sounded heavily concerned and Han felt a bit guilty for not telling the whole truth. But then, he couldn't tell Leia that her brother wouldn't be able to work because his lover had gone too rough on him, could he?
"It's nothing with that damn virus, don't worry. He has a headache, that's all. It's just that he's been working too hard lately and I don't want him to worn himself out."
"And you thought it would be a good chance to force him to rest?" Leia seemed amused. "Well, I must admit that sometimes you have good ideas."
"Yeah, yeah", Han made a face. "Can you talk almighty Mom Mothma and her merry companions at the Government Committee into giving the kid some time off?"
"Of course! You know it's not fair, Han... the Committee never forced Luke to work. He insisted in start working as soon as you came back from Corellia."
The Corellian made a face again and mumbled something about the Committee generosity.
"Sorry Han, I didn't hear you."
"Nothing. I gotta go. Thanks for helping, Leia."
"Don't mention it. Take care of Luke."
"I will."
He turned off the comlink and went to the kitchen for a glass of water. Something white stucked in the trash dispenser lid caught his attention.
"What the hell..?"
Luke sighed in frustration. Master Qui-Gon Jinn seemed to have a special pleasure in making things complicated. The young Jedi was fairly used to the elusive way Ben and Yoda used to talk, but that Jedi Master was completely different: instead of using cryptical language to express himself, he used different languages. And the auto-translator couldn't help much because there were also lots of words and expressions in some obscure dialect that was not present in any databank available.
"Now what?"
Han had left to work hours ago. The way things were going he wouldn't be able to even start reading the chapter he was interested in before the Corellian came back home.
The comlink biped. With an irritated snort Luke grabbed it, and threw the book on the bed.
"Yes?"
"Hey, kid. How're ya feeling?"
"I'm perfectly fine, Han. Don't tell me you're calling just to ask me that... Is this Hiding Time thing affecting you that bad?"
"Hells, no." Han laughed. "Just wanted to ask if you could lend me Artoo for this afternoon."
"No problem, I'll tell him to go to your office right now."
"Great. Leia will send Goldenrod to stay with you."
"Why? I'm not working, I don't need a droid...oh!" Blue eyes lit up as an idea came to the boy's mind. Threepio! How come he hadn't thought of it before?
"Luke?"
"Um... on a second thought, I guess I could use Threepio to help me catch up with some... um... writings."
"All I need you to do is to translate this text for me. You can use the holopic to demonstrate what it says if you can't find the appropriate words."
Threepio looked from the book he had in hands to theWookie-size holopic of a human male body in the middle of the living room.
"I perfectly understood, Master Luke. It is just that some of the... instructions in this book don't seem applicable to a humanoid body."
"How come? Haven't you just said the chapter title was Human Sexual Intercourse?"
"That is correct, but..."
"Just show me what is says, Threepio."
"Very well, sir." the droid pointed to the holopic."Individual A should put his left hand here, while individual B uses both arms to embrace individual A. After that, individual A positions his right hand here and his... um... pelvis here..."
Luke frowned.
"Wait, wait. You're going too fast, I can't figure it out in my mind."
Threepio patiently repeated everything at a slower pace. It didn't help. The young Jedi sat on the couch and shook his head.
"I'll never get it... this is too complicated for me." the boy sighed. "I wanted so much to use it with Han tonight..."
The droid remained silent for a second while his brain circuits worked at maximum speed. As a protocol droid, Threepio could perfectly recognize his master's frustration; it was his duty to do anything possible to help, even if it seemed strange and somehow embarrassing to him.
"Um... if I may suggest, sir..."
"Yes?"
"Maybe it would be easier to understand if you personally tried the positions."
"I can't do it with the holopic. I would need a real person or..." suddenly it dawned on him. "Of course! You!"
"Me, sir?" Threepio caustiously gave a step behind. He didn't like it when Master Luke looked at him that way.
It always meant trouble.
Big Trouble.
Author's note: maybe some readers will not find this fic as funny as "Facts of Life" but I hope it will at least entertain you a little... :)