L O I R E

"What if".

His whole life was a series of "what if"s, each one more bitter than the last. Scattered memories, ideas of places and times, and crucial moments in his life that changed it forever. Squall's friend, the cowboy, he always spoke of fate and how his choices had brought him to to this point, this one point in time, and nothing could ever change that.

But somehow, he just couldn't accept it. There were too many chances taken, too many heavy choices made, that burdened his mind and leadened his heart. He remembered a smoky night in the restaurant, the sound of her song, and the familiar pain of his leg cramping up. A joke. A running joke to his friends.

And then it gets serious. What if he hadn't been called out by the Galbadian army? What if he could have stayed with Julia? Roses and wine and romance. What if it had lasted longer than a night, if he had stayed with her and married her?

It was just a fascination. An obsession with an idol, who was probably very nice, but he never really knew her. The question still nagged at him – what if? – but in the end, he always concludes that he did not know Julia. He didn't spend years of his life with her.

... Like he did with Raine.

Raine. Another chapter of his life. Months of pain, sleeping fitfully, but being tended by her hands, soft and caring. Knowing her touch before he knew her face. And then her name, sweet like the summer rain. Raine, the only person who took the time to be his friend in Winhill, the only woman to really and truly love him. Bickering and fighting, and then always those long walks in the grass afterwards, fixing and mending.

She fixed him when everything seemed broken.

And he proposed, but then – what if? What if Ellone had never been kidnapped, or, oh this one's even better yet: What if he had never gone after her? If he had stayed with Raine, and helped her throuh the pregnancy. Would she still be alive? Would he have been able to raise his son, and watch him grow old?

Squall would be changed, then. Maybe not as silent. Maybe more open. Maybe he wouldn't experience as much pain.

But then again, he has Rinoa, and therefore, everything's alright. She's Julia's daughter. It took a while to get used to, and the irony just had to make him laugh. Ghosts of the past revisited upon the new generation, indeed.

... If he had never gone after Ellone, maybe Raine would still be alive today.

But that might cost him the girl who is almost his daughter. In a heartbeat, he'd admit it, he would give up anything for Elle – but when that anythingcomes to his dead wife, the lines start to blur. Did he really make the right choices? Was it supposed to be this way? Everything would be so different. The whole world would be different if he had acted otherwise.

It's a heavy burden to carry. The responsibility of a nation is nothing beside it.

In the evening, when everyone has left him and he is alone, with no family and only the memories of the past, Laguna wonders. He wonders what he could have done, and what could have been.

But he finally concludes. And decides that, in the end, maybe it's better off this way.