Summary: Just a short conversation.
A/N: This story is dedicated to my daughters, who are the reason I know way too much about smurfs.
Thanks to Steph for the beta.
TOW the smurfs
Monica and Chandler strolled hand in hand into the coffeehouse, grinning at each other deliriously happy that they finally could show the world how much in love they were. Even Ross knew now.
They sat side by side down onto the couch, looking happily at their friends who were all occupied.
Rachel read a fashion magazine, Phoebe some weird book, Ross read something with a dinosaur on it and Joey… Joey read the 'New York Times'.
Chandler did a double take at seeing this and then asked Joey incredulously, "You read the 'Times', Joe?"
Joey looked up for a moment, nodded his head and then he became engrossed in his reading again.
With a quick move Chandler ripped the newspaper out of Joey's hand and a colorful magazine fell out.
Glowering at Chandler and beet red, Joey bent over to pick it up.
"The smurfs?" Chandler asked loudly, "You're thirty… thirty, Joe!"
"And?" Joey snapped back, offended, "You can learn a lot from what those little blue guys go through. Besides…" he said meaningful and opened the magazine again, "It's tons of fun to think about which smurf you guys would be."
Everyone chuckled but they started to look mildly intrigued. Even Rachel had put her magazine down.
"So… then which smurf am I, Joe?" she asked with a predatory smile.
Joey rolled his eyes as if that was the most obvious thing ever, "You're Smurfette, of course."
"Oh no, I don't think so," Rachel objected firmly.
"Why not, you're a girl, you're Smurfette!"
"See, that is the exact reason I don't want to be her. Every one of those guys has something special, some distinguishing quality. Her only distinguishingly quality is that she is a girl, she's girl smurf. That is so degrading to women. I don't want to be no stinkin' boring Smurfette!"
The last part of her rant came out in a tone that bordered on yelling, which made everyone sit back slightly scared.
"Then what smurf do you want to be?" Chandler asked after a while.
"Fashion smurf," Rachel answered decisively.
Again Chandler was the one to speak first. "There is no fashion smurf, Rach."
"Then it's about time they get one," she retorted.
"Rach, they're wearing white pants and hats," Monica pointed out.
A smug grin appeared on Rachel's face when she said, "See, that's how badly they need a fashion smurf."
"They have the vanity smurf, though," Chandler cut in, displaying an interesting amount of knowledge about the smurf phenomenon, which made Monica look at him questioningly.
"Hey," he said defensively, pointing to Joey,"I live with that man!"
"Rachel is so vanity smurf…" Ross snickered, in his corner of the couch.
"Hey! I'm not."
"Oh you are," Phoebe snickered. "Joey, you're right, this is fun."
Rachel threw her hands in the air in frustration and made a show out of not being interested in the conversation anymore by demonstratively turning her attention to her magazine again.
"Okay, Joey, who am I?" Monica asked almost interestedly.
After only a few seconds of thinking about this, Joey answered, "You… okay since you probably don't want to be Smurfette either, you're cook smurf."
Monica bounced forward and asked excitedly, "The one who always cooks all the delicious stuff and all the smurfs are crazy about his food?"
Chandler said nothing but raised and inquisitive eyebrow at his girlfriend.
"I was fat, Chandler. I spent a lot of time in front of the TV, okay?" she said pissed.
With a dramatic sigh, Joey finally established, "Guys, everyone of us knows the smurfs, so yeah, Mon, that one."
"Alright, I'm cook smurf. Who are you, Joey?"
Joey leaned back in his chair, took a look around and stated, "I'm Joey smurf."
"There is definitely no Joey smurf," Rachel complained, putting away the magazine she hadn't read anyway, "Even I know that."
"Yeah, but there should be. Joey smurf is the one who's sleeping with Smurfette."
"There is the enamored smurf…" Ross mused.
"That guy who's just pining away for her? No, I'm the one who actually gets to have sex with her."
"Joey, no one has sex with Smurfette," Monica said matter-of-factly.
Grinning lewdly Joey replied, "See, that's how badly she needs a Joey smurf."
"But none of the others get to have sex," Chandler said.
"Which would make me one of those poor bastards," Ross deadpanned self-deprecatingly.
"You're Brainy!" Phoebe stated in a tone of voice that left no room to argue. Everyone nodded in consent.
"Okay, then Pheebs, who are you?"
"I'm Smurfette!"
"WHAT?" Rachel and Monica cried, outraged.
"Alright, I'll explain. First, I have her hair," Phoebe said, caressing her golden tresses, "second, Smurfette has sex with Joey smurf," she continued and she and Joey shared a leering grin, "and third, she isn't boring, she is a rebel."
"How the hell is she a rebel?" Rachel asked grimly.
"Well, the whole story how Gargamel created her to stir up trouble in the smurf village is all a big lie. I mean… that story is degrading to women… and smurfettes. The truth is, there is a whole village where just the smurfettes live, just like the smurf village."
"No, there isn't," Joey declared.
"Ah… have you ever asked yourself where all the young smurfs are coming from, Joey? Baby smurf?"
"Well, the stork…"
Everyone wheezed with laughter at Joey's remark but he cried defensively. "Hey, I know that's not where babies usually come from, but it is with the smurfs."
"No, it's not. It's because there is a smurfette village. Anyway, after Mama Smurfette killed herself and Smurfette was fed up with her evil twin-sister…" everyone rolled their eyes at Phoebe's blatantly obvious self-reference, "… she went away and decided to live with the guys."
Everyone contemplated that new development for a while until Chandler shouted triumphantly, "Hah! Now I know who I am."
"Who are you, Chandler?"
"I'm the one smurf who is fed up with the fact that Joey smurf is the only one who has sex, so he went to live in smurfette village."
"Oh come on!" Joey wailed, apparently angry that this hadn't been his idea, "That… that… that… Chandler smurf wouldn't even know what to do with all those girls!"
"Oh, now you're complaining." Chandler grinned, proud of himself.
"Joey smurf should live with the smurfettes!" Joey pouted.
Phoebe turned to him angrily, "Hey Joey! What about Smurfette?"
Joey thought about that for a split second and then said with a non-committal shrug, "Well, Chandler smurf can have Smurfette."
Monica chuckled mirthlessly and looked at Phoebe with a 'told you so' expression on her face. "See, Phoebe. This is what happens if you're just the girl, you get traded as soon as something better comes along."
Suddenly Chandler smiled lovingly at his girlfriend and said, "You know what? Chandler smurf decides he's in love with cook smurf and moves in with him."
"That would make him gay," Ross objected.
Chandler shrugged. "Who cares? The food is really good."
Monica elbowed Chandler in the sides playfully, which leaded to Chandler making a rather pained face.
"Joey, if anyone should live with the smurfettes, it's vanity smurf," Rachel piped up again.
Monica turned to her, "Hey, you said the guys needed fashion advice!"
"Ah…" Rachel said dismissively, "They're only wearing white pants and hats anyway. But think of all the girls, cute little white dresses all around…" she continued dreamily.
"The smurfettes need a real guy, not a gay fashion smurf," Joey grumbled, still angry.
"How do you know he's gay?" She asked him, snidely.
Ross rolled his eyes and started, "Rachel, he has a flower on his hat, he talks to Smurfette about fashion. So either he's gay or he's a she."
Rachel gave that some thought and then she said, "Well, if he was a she… I mean, like another Smurfette who went to the guys in disguise or something, then maybe Joey smurf could go to the smurfette village with her?"
"Yeah, great!" Joey beamed at that.
Monica seemed satisfied with that too. "Cook smurf is gonna be glad that Joey smurf won't steal his peanut butter anymore."
"That still leaves the real Smurfette single," Phoebe complained.
Ross cleared his throat a few times and then asked tentatively, "What about Brainy?"
"Yay!" Phoebe exclaimed excitedly, "Smurfette always had a soft spot for him."
With a very self satisfied expression on his face and leaning back in his chair, Joey said, "Alright, it's settled then."
Gunther came to their table, switching a few of their empty coffee mugs withfull ones.
"Twenty eight minutes," he grumbled.
"What is it Gunther?" Rachel asked.
"You just spent twenty eight minutes talking about which cartoon character you are."
With that he went back with the empty mugs.
"Waiter smurfs," Joey grinned with mock condescension and everyone cracked up.
Hope you liked it.
A/N2: If anyone of you read the fourth chapter of 'A One Time Thing' and couldn't review because the submission server was down... it's up again. I wouldmean a lot to meto know what you guys think. Which applies to this story, too. Thanks.