What were Ross and Rachel's true feelings when they break up back in season three?

Here is an insight into that night they made an end to their relationship, the tears and the heartbreak as our two favourite lobsters come to a halt. It's a one shot story, no chapters so enjoy this one off fan fic, and get out those tissues! It is written in a diary form if you like, each part is from Ross's view, then Rachel's. Some of the story doesnt follow the original script of the breakup, such as the ending of this story, which I made up myself. Hope you enjoy!

Her whole body was shaking with anger and frustration, and mostly because her whole world had been broken, because of me. She looked at me with those eyes, which had always played with my mind, but I couldn't smile with adoration over them as I was concentrating on the tears, which fell from her eyes, again my doing. I felt like such a bastard. I loved her, and I go and do something so stupid like this, I deserved everything that I got. I loved her. I still do.

Most of the evening spent in the sitting room, I had small hope that she could find it in her heart to forgive me for what I had done, we had even shared a small joke, putting extra pickles on my pizza in spite of me disliking them, I deserved it though, but I didn't see the much worse punishment that she would soon drop on me making me feel so low and empty of life like the way I feel now, I don't blame her and I feel nothing but love for her, and nothing but hate for myself.

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I feel such a fool, yet I feel as though I should try to forgive but my heart keeps telling me to keep away, I don't need this kind of hurt, even if it is the guy who I probably am supposed to spend eternity with, my Ross. The man who I have ever only loved and the person who I never thought would ever hurt me, by accident or on purpose, doesn't make a difference to me. That moment in the coffee shop where I had found out the truth, that my yearlong boyfriend had slept with another woman, I felt physically sick and I desperately wanted some kind of explanation, but even that didn't heal by broken heart. The fact that I had told him we should take a break didn't mean he could go and throw himself into another woman's bed, despite my feelings of complete hurt and heartbreak, I cant help those thoughts entering my mind telling me that things wouldn't have ended up this way if it hadn't of been for my sudden decision of a break. I am angry at Ross to the point where I don't think I could ever be the same with him ever again, but I am also angry at myself for bailing on our relationship so quickly, and I'm also angry at both of us for ruining our relationship together, there's no going back now and that is what's making me cry myself to sleep now, wishing that I could wake up two days earlier to make things right again.

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'You're a totally different person to me now…'

Those words that uttered from her mouth as I begged her to forgive me keep replaying in my mind, like a broken tape.

'I thought of you as someone who would never ever hurt me…'.

When she said this as I held her body close to mine, our final moments together before she would probably send me home, I knew that It was over no matter how much I tried to deny it and think that she would take me back. There wasn't much that I could say to her after that, what could I say to her? She was right, I had did the unthinkable to her and I knew that tonight would be a lonely one, it would be like this possibly for the time that we were apart, possibly forever. That one thought of being without her for the rest of my life turned my stomach, and caused me to cry once again. I had been without her for over an hour now and I was already falling apart, the picture of us both from only a few weeks ago caught my attention, my arms wrapped around her with our cheeks touching, I wanted to climb into the frame and stay in that moment forever.

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I keep feeling guilty, almost as though it was me who cheated, not him. But the thought that I cant keep out of my head is the fact that it was me who considered this break, if I hadnt of bailed on us and our relationship, we may well now be together in bed, like we were every night, cuddling and talking about the future which seems to be a tiny dot in the distance now. Maybe not even a dot.

As I begin to cry again, I feel more angrier again like I had been earlier on with Ross, I want to know more about the girl who came between us last night, the girl who replaced my presence in his bed, the girl who probably never considered me as his girlfriend, but he didnt consider me either, and that is what keeps entering my mind everytime I regret not giving him another chance. He doesnt deserve one, and maybe he is regretting things now, but I can never take him back now. I would be an even bigger fool for that. But theres a part of me that knows there will never be another Ross, there will never be another man who will make me feel the way he did. That is what makes me cry now as I concentrate on the rain outside the window, I wonder what he is doing now, I am still angry at the thought of him and what he did. But love is still there, and probably will be for a long time. I wonder what tomorow will bring, I dread to think of even seeing him, it will just bring everything about today back, in most break ups you dont have to see the other person everyday, but this is Ross, hes my best friend. And it makes it even harder.

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I had closed my eyes for a moment, but sleeping wasnt the answer. Nothing was. It was already 7am, people would be waking up soon and the day would go on as though nothing had happened last night, even I will have to go on today and try to get over it. I couldnt bring myself to sleep in my own bed when I got home, the sofa was the only option, but I didnt even care, I wouldnt be sleeping for days possibly with these thoughts in my mind. The image of her when I left the apartment will stay with me forever, her lips were trembling as I picked up my coat and left, if I hadnt of left then I wouldnt have been very fair to her, the thought of her now probably asleep made me wonder what she was dreaming about, I hoped she wouldnt be thinking about me and that zerox girl, the girl who stays in my mind now as probably the biggest mistake that I had ever made, but the only thing I could hope for now is for Rachel to think that I never thought of her at all, ofcourse I did. But unfortunately even that thought didnt stop me from bringing her back to my apartment.

I thought about ringing her, just to see how she was, but it feared me if I did ring and she ignored me, I wanted to speak to her, and I wanted to know if she was ok, I knew that Monica was there but she would be asleep, I doubt that Rachel wanted to sleep in her room either, she looked tired out when I left and already had wrapped the blanket around her as I walked out of the door. The walk back home was possibly the longest and loneliest walk of my life, everywhere I looked there was a reminder of what I did. The zerox place. Central Perk. My apartment. My bedroom. Everything around reminded me of Rachel, and my mistake. A man had even stopped me in the streets when I walked home, wondering if I was ok, my presence must have even been a giveaway to passers by, I looked like a corpse. Empty of life. 'I'm fine, I need to go home...'. I had told him, where home was, I wasnt quite sure. 'Its a bit late for you to be walking around..' The man had said to me. He was right, but I had my reasons, 'I know...I know...'. I told him. Then he left me after I convinced him that I was in the right frame of mind to get home. I wasnt, but I didnt want him walking me home. I needed to think, but it was a bit late for that, I should have done that last night.

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December, Year before.

'Sweetie, do you think we'll be together forever?' Rachel has asked as they cuddled infront of the television, her hand was around his neck stroking him affectionately.

'Well...' He paused for a moment as he gave her eye contact, 'I dont know what the future will bring sweetie, but...yes, most definately...'. He told her, smiling assuringly.

'Ya know, sometimes I sit and wonder whether something is just waiting around the corner which is going to break us up or something, I think what we have sometimes is too god damn good to be true...' She told him, 'You understand me?'. she asked him, adjusting the blanket positioned across their legs, 'I understand Rach, but try not to think about it, I'm sure nomatter what happens between us...we'll remain close friends forever...'.

'Your right, friends forever...'.

'And forever..' He concluded before wrapping his arms around her and grasping her tiny feminine hands inside his own, rubbing and stroking them softly.

That night felt like forever ago as I remained on the sofa, my whole body underneath the blanket, even covering my face but leaving a small opening to give me enough air to breathe. I then began to whimper as I realised what the time was, I would soon have to get up and face the world alone, without Ross by my side. I couldnt exactly take the day off work either, staying inside would only make me feel worse. I would have to go out and get on with my life. It was almost light outside now, it was soon going to be half past 7, I should be getting up now but the thought of going into my bedroom to get ready made me feel ill, usually before work if I was at Ross's or he was here, we would usually get ready together, sometimes even shower together. I cried again as these thoughts flowed through my mind, and then I heard her Monica get up, I heard her light feet pad across the bedroom floor, what would she say to me when she came into the room? There was nothing to say, but I had a feeling that I would have a lot more things to face today, including Ross.

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The surroundings around me felt blurred and distorted, making me feel like I wasnt really present, just existing and not really sure why I was here. I had already recieved a dozen calls from my sister, making sure that I was ok on my own, and ordering me not to come over to the apartment for a day atleast, for Rachel's sake. She was right for saying this, but we couldnt hide from eachother forever.

I had eventually got to sleep this morning just before 6am,the thought of going to work set in my mind making me realise that I wouldnt be able to get through the day without atleast an hours sleep, but now as I am walking to work, I feel like I have had more than enough sleep, my eyes did feel heavy but something about going to sleep made me fear the time of waking up, because I didnt want to wake up without her.

I wasnt sure how to deal with the questions I would probably get today, my expressions and just my presence alone would be a giveway that something had gone on, I would just say I broke up with my girlfriend, I wont say why, and I wont say anymore. Why should I? I know what Rachel would probably say to people she knew if they asked, she would tell them that we had broken up, and she would inform them of me cheating on her, she would be right in telling them this, but I dont want to have the name of a cheater on my forehead, I didnt cheat, I fell into another woman's arms when I was full of anger and desperation, Im sure many men are guilty of the same thing.

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I felt sluggish. I felt empty. I felt so tired, almost like jetlag, but I hadnt even been off the ground. I felt hungover, but I hadnt even had a drop of alcohol. I was hungover on this whole situation, the break, and most of all, dealing with Ross's absence. 'You dont need a man like that' I tried to tell myself as I got ready this morning, but the sentence spoken didnt register in my brain, because I did need a man like him, it was only for his one night stand with this woman that I couldnt take him back, I took him back yesterday morning without a thought, but any woman would feel this way, I couldnt go on as we were knowing that he had made love to another woman whilst he still owned my vulnerable heart, so now its just the trouble of getting out of bed in the morning and the wondering of whether I will face him, 'Rach, sweetie,I'm going to work now, Will you be ok?' Monica shouted into my bedroom as I struggled to slip into my jeans, I felt dizzy and had to keep myself balanced by holding onto the draws, 'I'm fine Mon, you go...I'll see you later' I told her, my voice was shaking and my whole body began to shake. 'I'm going to work soon Mon anyway, I wont be on my own for long...'. I told her. I heard her leave, and a wave of tears suddenly came over me. Everytime somebody left me, I felt alone and the reminder of being away from Ross ticked in my mind. I collapsed on my bed in tears, my jeans still around my ankles and my shirt still unbuttoned, there was no way in me coping with work today. I would call in sick.

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I wasnt quite aware of the tea filling up above the brim of the cup, my eyes were fixated on the spinning of the spoon as I stirred the drink, the milk pouring over the top of the cup, causing quite a spillage. As I realised what was happening, I saw a relation with the cup of tea and my own life, it was like the cup was a connotation of my brain being full of thoughts about the break up, about Rachel, and about my stupid mistake.

'Gellar, are you ok?'. I heard somebody say behind me. It was my colleague. 'Me, yeah Im fine...I'm just making myself a drink before I start work again'. I explained to him, hoping he wouldnt notice the overflowing cup of tea, milk running down the cupboards. He nodded, almost like he could read my mind, but he gave me a look as though to let me know that he could imagine what was wrong, but he wasnt quite the character to bug me about it. 'Ok Gellar, You know where I am..' He told me before heading out of the door. It was only 11am and already I was wanting to go home, home where nobody would be waiting for me, ofcourse my sister and friends would be there for me, but I felt almost as though they would all be on Rachels side, considering what I had done. I wanted to go and see my sister today, she was probably the only person who would understand me despite being Rachels best friend, I knew that Rachel was at work till atleast 8 on a weekday, so I decided to go round to see my sister, me and Rachel would probably be avoiding eachother for a few days, maybe weeks yet. Something I didnt quite want. But none of this was what I wanted anyway.

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Im so in love with what we were

I'm not breathing.

I'm suffocating without you.

I need you. I need you.

My tears were staining the pillow, and my heart was bleeding still. There wasnt a moment today where I hadnt considered a different view to the whole situation, taking him back, trying to forgive, attempting to forget everything. But my thoughts were beaten by my heart, my heart telling me to walk away from it, get away from the complication. I fought for my breath when the thought of him came into my mind, he was all I ever wanted and probably all I ever needed, but had hurt me, intentional or not, he had hurt me, and love shouldnt be about that. Yes, I had admitted it, I still loved him, I probably would forever, but I had also made closure on my own, I took control of it and I havent looked back.

Seeing him now would probably be too soon, but I had considered a few times today trying to go for a walk and see if he was anywhere around, stupid to feel that way,but I felt like seeing him even from a distance just to clarify in my mind that he would always be at a distance now, I didnt want the next time I saw him to be awkward, I wanted it to be sort of, normal. I knew I was hoping for too much, when I saw him I knew that realisticly my heart would possibly break once again, and that time would probably come soon.

I removed the cover from my head, and looked around the room surrounding me. I had only ever felt this way before when my parents had got divorced, this was just like this, but it was me this time, not them. I sat up straight and reached over for my diary, the last time I had written in this was a few weeks back, probably before work had became so demanding of my time.

Dear Diary, Work is getting hectic these days, due to the fashion season. Ross and I spent the weekend at a lovely hotel this weekend, it was a time for the both of us to get away and share some quality time together. It was the first time that we both talked about the future on friday evening, and surprisingly I enjoyed the discussion and we both agreed that we should buy a house together when we get married in Scarsdale. The idea isnt too bad now. God, I love him so much. Its almost been a year since we first together, I think he is planning something special for the both of us.

Rachel xxx

I began to write in the diary, my feelings just poured out over the page. I felt a sense of relief as I put more and more pressure on the pen,it was almost like I was telling somebody how I really felt.

Honestly, I do feel that I bailed on us. But I never in the world thought that he would jeopardise our relationship by sleeping with another woman...

When I got to the subject of her, I stopped writing. It was too much. I began to cry again, the tears shot from my eyes and dropped on the open page of my diary. I heard the apartment door open, as I checked the time on my watch I noticed that it was only 3pm, Monica said she wouldnt be back from the laundry room for atleast an hour, and she had only went 20 minutes ago, she had twice as much laundry as usual, she had offered to do mine today while I got my head around things. I got to my feet and put my head against the bedroom door to listen to who it was, whoever it was was being very quiet. I had a terrible feeling it was Ross.

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Monica was nowhere around. I figured she was either shopping or doing the laundry. It seemed like nobody was home, Rachel must have gone to work. I looked over to the television area, where I had been the previous night, on my knees begging her to give me another chance, going back to that made me feel like crying again, but I pulled myself together, crying wouldnt resolve anything now. Rachels door was shut tight, and I had an urge to go inside, maybe just to smell the scent of her room and feel the material of her bedsheets, but I couldnt go in. I walked towards the door, tiptoeing incase somebody was in the apartment, hopefully not Rachel. I leaned against the door and closed my eyes, I wished that she could just come in now and tell me everything was ok now, she had forgave me, and she would never leave me. But I knew that would never happen, she was a woman with so much pride now, and I knew what was killing her most, the thought of me with another woman. And that thought killed me too, I couldnt remember what I was thinking of that night, the zerox girl was hot yes, but never would I have thought of sleeping with her, especially when I was with Rachel who I loved. I suddenly heard a noise come from her room, a footstep. I moved away quickly, realising that she was in there, possibly about to come out and confront me. I heard a light tap on the door, I wasnt sure whether she was aware of my presence, but I leaned against the door once again. Why, I didnt quite know. Maybe just to be close to her for one last time, even though there was a door between us.

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I didnt want to open the door and ruin the moment. Something about the way I felt made me remain silent and still, I knew fully well that it was he who was standing on the other side of the door and I wished that the door could vanish and I could fall into his arms once again, but that was a wish that my heart wouldnt allow me to fulfil. I heard his heavy breathing, and I was imagining what his facial expression was at this very moment,nomatter how much we both may have wanted to see eachother face to face, we knew we couldnt. The door was like a barrier between us and our relationship, I took a deep breath as I closed my eyes, trying to capture in my mind his face. I was angry with him ofcourse, but I was more angry at both of us as a couple, for allowing it to come to this. Neither of us spoke, there was no words we could utter, anything that we said would either ruin the moment we had together, possibly the last before we would try and move on. And I hoped he wouldnt say the one thing that would make me fall for him once again and forget about everything that was keeping me away from him, the words telling me that he loved me, I knew that he still did, because I did too, but I never wanted him to tell me again.

Somehow I felt like this moment was needed, I felt like the air was clearer around me. I still felt upset, ofcourse. But his presence calmed my feelings and there was something in my mind that told me, things could still go on as they were before we were lovers.

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A tear dropped down my cheek, emotions were running through my body and I didnt know how to control myself. Usually in this situation, I would have felt anxious and awkward, but the situation was calm, and it made me feel thankful that we could find a moment where we didnt have to fight, we could end our relationship with a silent moment where we could both just be in eachothers company, even though we couldnt quite see one another. If I could see her, I would probably feel uncontrollable and do something stupid, like kissing her. I always made that mistake, just like last night when I kissed her on the sofa and she slapped me away, I deserved it. Thinking that a kiss could solve everything.

I heard her breathe, and it was like a breath of fresh air for me. I wiped my eyes and closed them again, leaning closer to the door.Nothing had to be said, nothing had to be done, it was enough to just be there, hearing her breathing. I wanted to tell her again, 'Im sorry'. I whispered, almost not realising that I had said it outloud, but I was surprised by her reaction.

'I know...'. She replied back.

A small smile crept over my face, she had somehow forgave me enough for us to remain friends, and that was better than nothing for me.

We stayed that way for a few more moments, with the few words that we had said to one another. It was enough for to try and move on.

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Hope you could understand each character, and I hope you will review my story. Thank you!