Disclaimer: I do not own CSI...(sadly)

AN: just a little story...somehow had to write something not funny to bring back the fun part to accumulation of the little things :lol:

I hope you willlike this story... have fun reading it.

ultimatum

A strange feeling filled her when she entered his office. She knew they had to talk…and she knew, that he knew that very well, too. But he was good in avoiding things. Too good actually. But she had to know it now or never. She had finally made a decision, if he'd tell her what he felt, she'd stay, if he would refuse, she'd leave. Forever. And she would tell him that she what she planned. It was now or never for him and she wouldn't give in until he had either send her away or told her to stay.

She knocked on the frame of his office door. "Hey.", she said softly.

He looked up, their eyes met, like they did so often, and she felt those butterflies in her stomach, that she always felt when it happened.

"Hey.", his voice was as soft as hers.

"Can we talk?", she asked, looking down to the ground, trying to find another point she could focus on, not able to stand the tension that built up between them any longer.

"Sure…I'm almost done here.", he offered her a seat and she entered, closing the door behind her.

She sat down, glancing around the room. She listened to his breathing, alone the pure sound of it was enough to let her forget where they were. She wanted him so badly. She loved him more than words could say, and all she ever wanted was that he would feel the same for her. Today she would ask him what he felt and today she wouldn't let him get away with telling him that it was okay that he couldn't find the words. How often had she let him get away with that?

Her eyes wandered over his hands…observing how he signed the documents. How smooth the pencil floated over the yellow papers. How he held the pencil in his hand. Then he stopped writing. She looked up to him.

"Okay…so, what do you want to talk about?"

She swallowed hard. Now the time had come. She began to doubt that she owned the psychical and physical strength to do this. "It's…it has nothing to do with work actually.", she said staring down at her hands again, not able to face him. Not now. She cursed herself once more. With telling him that it wasn't about work, she gave him the chance to end this conversation right then. He wasn't the kind of person who talked about personal stuff at work…yes there had been exceptions. And she was grateful for those. She knew that he had worked on being more emotional available…and she knew that the happenings of the last two months had contributed a big part to the reasons why he wanted to change. She held her breath, what would he say? Would he tell her that it was okay and that she should just talk or would he tell her that they should search for a better moment to talk about her personal stuff? If he learned at least a bit he will not send me away. She felt that his eyes met hers, it send a cold shower down her spine. She took a deep breath.

"It's okay.", he said softly. And he had that look in his eyes, that look that he had when she had told him about her family secret, that look that he had when they had talked after Adam had attacked her, that look that let her heart melt and break at the same time, that look that made her smile inwardly, because it showed her how much he cared, but at the same time she felt the urge to cry.

"It's about…", her voice was shaking, she wondered if she could even bring out one more word. The words had been there in her head, they had been there when she had rehearsed this conversation in-front of her bathroom mirror, and now they were gone. She tried to take a deep breath, but she couldn't even do that. Everything inside of her was shaking, so the deep breath became an accumulation of little gasps. "…it's about something I…about something that you do not like to talk that much, I guess….I…I mean…I didn't mean to say it like that, I…" You're so blowing it up Sidle! "…it's about us…or well…you can not say we are an 'us' but…it's about you and me and…" She noticed that his eyes widened while she spoke. And while his eyes widened the panic inside of her rose. She could tell by his expression that now nervousness began to grow inside of him too. She didn't know whether that was good or not, but actually she couldn't care about that now. There was something she had to do…something she had to finish. "…Grissom…there is something that,…the way things are between us…I am going insane because of this. I do know very well what I feel for you…and I know that you know what I feel for you, too…probably you know more than you want to know about it. Gil I can understand if you do not feel the same…", Did I just call him Gil? Should I have done that? Did he even notice? "…it's just that…I have to know what you feel. This is…it's breaking me…ripping me into pieces…I…, seeing you, feeling the tension that exists between us…and not knowing what you think…what you feel about this, that…breaks my heart.", her voice had stopped shaking after a while, but it hadn't brought the words back to her. She could have done that better, she could have said that more convincing. She hadn't been really convincing had she? Did he know that he was expected to say something now? Or did he think that she was only making a pause, to search for words? "I have to know what you feel.", she repeated almost whispering.

It was as if he was looking through her. He stared at her, but was he really seeing her? The expression in his face was blank. Sometimes he gave her the chance to read his thoughts, to know what he thought and felt, to know what his reaction would be…sometimes it happened, but it didn't happen now. It was as if there were invisible doors behind his eyes that blocked the way into his soul. She wished she'd know what he thought. She wished she could feel what he felt. And sometimes she wished she wouldn't love him as much as she did.

I could tell him that he does not have to answer it now…I could run away and hide myself from him…I could pretend I never embarrassed myself like this in front of him…No Sara! You have to be strong! You promised yourself to stay strong! You promised yourself that you will go through this! I have to know it now! This thing is killing me, I can not stand this suspense any longer. Not knowing what he feels is worsethan knowing that he does not feel anything for me. At least I do not have any wrong hopes then, I can move on then, at least I can try to …my hopes will not be set up again and again by every nice thing he says…by every thing he does for me.

"Sara…", he sighed.

Oh no…now he will tell me that there was never anything and that there will never be something! I shouldn't have asked him! I knew I couldn't handle it to hear a 'no…I do not feel the same' from him! I knew it…why did I pretend that I could handle it? She began to panick inside.

They remained in silence for a moment that felt like eternity. She didn't dare to look at him, she knew the expression in his face anyways. Her heart was beating fast and heavy, it hurt with every beat it made. Her eyes were burning, that was the first sign for tears to rise up, she closed them for a second, trying to calm down her breathing. But what was he thinking now, would he wonder why she had closed her eyes? She'd better open them again. And so she did…accidentally she looked at him and the expression in his face was different to the ones she had seen before.

He looked as if his heart was tortured in a vise.

She swallowed hard. What had she said that would cause such an expression in his face? She had not even told him that she would leave, if he wouldn't answer…but maybe he figured that. If he is going to say that he does not know what to do about this I will turn this vise even tighter.

She looked at him, assuming that if he could feel her looks on him, he would feel that she needed to know the answer. It was hard to look at him. She felt the tears rising up in her eyes now, the tension in the room was more, much more than she could take…she wondered why she had not already broken down, she wondered how and where she found the strength to stay, to not run away, to not tell him it was okay.

I pretended that things were okay much too often. I told him I was okay after the case where the young girl, that had been raped, was murdered…because we couldn't nail the rapist! I told him I was okay after the case where the farther had raped his daughter and then started to rape the little girl he had conceived with her…and his daughter's friend killed her brothers, the father and the mother…I told him that I was okay…I should have told him about my family right then! It would have never come that far as it did! I ate the pain and the anger into me all the time…why? Why? And I told him that I was okay after the DUI…I told him that I was okay after Adam had attacked me…I kept telling him that I was okay…although I never was! Only once I showed him how hurt I was…how much I suffered…and afterwards I told him I was okay. Why? I never was okay after the things that happened…why did I think it would get better if I'd hold my tongue about it? Why?

And why doesn't he answer?

At this moment the pain in her seemed to be really insufferable. It was as if her soul would be ripped apart. One more second without one of them breaking the silence and she would break down.

She had promised herself not to do it…but she hadn't imagined how hard it would be. "Gil…if you're not going to tell me now,… I will leave. And…I wont come back.", she said softly, feeling she would break out in tears from the first syllable, that had crossed her lips, on. But she managed to keep her voice calmed, at least in comparison to the way it had been before.

He looked up to her. Heartbroken…at least that was what she could read in his eyes. She tried to take a deep breath but failed once more. She was shaking, her whole body was shaking. She wanted to stand up…leaving her seat…but she couldn't move. As much as she tried to, she just couldn't move a single muscle. Say something, come on Gil say something! Please! Don't let me sit here …don't do this to me! Please! God, let him say something! She pleaded desperately.

"…what do you want to hear from me?"

What I want to hear? Did you never tell somebody what you feel? Oh come on! "I want you to tell me what you feel…simply what you feel for me…I want to know if …", she made a pause, wondering if she was able to speak it out loud…once it had been said she couldn't take it back. But she didn't care, she would probably never see him again after this conversation, there was nothing she could loose. "…I have to know if you love me as much as I do love you…whether you do or don't…I need to know it. Now. Give me a chance to move on with my life if the latter is the case. Please."

He didn't answer.

And she couldn't stand it anymore. She felt that a tear would soon break the barriers and would soon run over her cheek, revealing how hurt she was inside. She somehow found the strength to leave her seat, holding herself up on her legs was another problem. Her legs turned to jelly, she knew it was almost impossible for her to walk right now…but she had to leave the room. Gil Grissom would never answer, he would never tell her what he felt…he would never make her happy.

Without really knowing how, she finally managed to make her way to the door, she was just about to open it, when she felt his hand on her shoulder. Her heart was jumping, her stomach was filled with butterflies and she hoped, from the bottom of her heart, that he finally knew what to do about it.

She softly turned around, looking into his heaven blue eyes. And heaven was, where she was, when he laid his hand on her cheek. He softly wiped away the tears, that had begun to run down her cheeks in the second she had turned her back to him.

"Sara…", he whispered softly. "…I am not good with words. But…I know that you deserve an answer. You really do." He caressed her cheek with his thumb, looking deep into her eyes. "You mean the world to me Sara Sidle…and I will not let you go…not even over my dead body. I will never let you go.", he whispered, leaning forward…and before she could even really realize what he was about to do, their lips met.

It was as if her heart stopped beating for a second, the world stopped turning, there were just her and him, close together, as close together as they had always deserved to be. She softly parted her lips to let him deepen the kiss, letting out a soft moan into his mouth when she felt his hands slipping under her blouse, caressing her bare back.

Gil Grissom knew very well what to do about it.

It took a long time until their lips loosened from each other. She slowly opened her eyes, looking at him. She reached up and caressed his cheek. Her thump striped his lips. You should have done that way earlier Sidle. She thought smiling to herself.

THE END

I really hope you enjoyed reading this : ) I am thankful that you took the time to read : ) I really hope it wasn't in vain.