FELINOPHOBIA

PART I

They'd been on one of their usual jaunts (ones Rose had decided to dub the peaceful-planet-and-not-ending-up-running-for-their-lives) when they'd reached the TARDIS and found a small creature curled up by the door. The Doctor, not noticing, had cheerfully unlocked and opened the door, chattering away as he entered, but Rose had paused and regarded the creature as it had lifted its head and blinked sleepily at her.

"Hey, little one, you been waiting for us?"

In response, the creature got up, stretched slowly, then sat and wrapped a long, slim tail around its neatly set paws. She could see it better now, and it looked exactly like one of the cats back on Earth except for a slightly longer tail and the odd, iridescent sheen to the pale grey fur covering its body.

"Rose? Are you coming?" The Doctor's head popped out and he looked at her expectantly. She glanced down to find the cat-creature regarding her with exactly the same expression and she suppressed a giggle.

"Look what was waiting here – can we keep it?" She indicated down at his feet and he looked down, a strange expression flitting over his face as he took in what she was referring to.

"Nope. Come on!"

"Oh, please? Look, he likes you!"

The creature had moved over to the Doctor's legs and started rubbing its head against him, producing a sound that could only be described as very loud purring. The Doctor grimaced, shook his leg, and glared. "No."

"But..."

"What did I tell you about strays, Rose?" He rolled his eyes as she followed him into the TARDIS, neither noticing the creature slip in before the door shut.

"But this isn't a man, it's an animal!"

"Exactly. I'm not having a random animal wandering the corridors of the TARDIS! Who knows what it'll get up to."

Rose huffed and dropped into the comfy seat by the console, watching his hands dart over the various buttons and levers, and the familiar grinding and whooshing of the TARDIS dematerialising filled the room. "Where are we going?"

He shrugged. "Thought we'd just float in the Vortex for a while; get some rest. TARDIS needs a break for a while, and she'll let us know when she needs refuelling." He grinned over at her. "I'm sure we'll find something to keep us occupied."

Ignoring his suggestive tone, Rose raised her eyebrows at him and shook her head in mock exasperation. They subsided into a comfortable silence for a while; the Doctor keeping an eye on the controls, occasionally running his hand through his already messy hair, and Rose watching the Doctor, admiring him quietly.

Then she screamed, and the Doctor jumped almost two feet in the air, his eyes wild as he spun round ready to fight whatever had attacked her. He was greeted with the sight of the creature curled up on her lap, and Rose calming herself down as she stroked its head.

"What the...How did that get in here?"

Rose looked up and shrugged. "I dunno. But it gave me a scare, didn't you little one?" The creature closed its eyes as she found a particularly sensitive spot on its head and scratched, purring contentedly.

"Right, that's it, we're taking it back." His hands reached out to one of the levers but for once it refused to budge. "...What?" Again, he tugged. Again, it stayed where it was. He tried something else, but the console powered itself down and he found he couldn't do anything. "Bah. Come on, sweetheart, surely you don't want some mangy animal on board?"

The TARDIS dimmed in response, and Rose giggled. "She likes it."

"Bah. Bah, I say!" He huffed and turned to face Rose. "All right. You two win. It stays. Just don't let it come anywhere near me."

"But it likes you!"

"Animals and children are all the same; they make a beeline for those that hate them."

"But it's a cat!"

"Well, sort of. It's a distant relative of the feline species from Earth. But yes, a cat, if you like."

"What do you have against cats?"

"I jut don't like them." He eyed Rose warily as she stood up with the animal in her arms and approached him. He took a step to the side.

Rose narrowed her eyes. "You're afraid of them."

He shot a nervous look at it, and received a wide-eyed, innocent stare. "No I'm not."

"You are!" She laughed, hopping lightly from foot to foot in a little victory dance. "You're afraid! The mighty Doctor is afraid of a little cat!"

"I'm not afraid!" But he took another step to the side. "I just don't like their claws. Or fur. Fur; now that gets everywhere and do you know how long it takes to clean it up? It gets into food, drinks, beds, clothes, books, wires – have you ever smelt burning fur? – it even clogs up my sonic screwdriver! And..."

Cutting him off before he could get into the full flow of one of his rants, Rose snuggled it and declared, "We've got to name him."

Now a safe distance from the claws, the Doctor shrugged. "It's yours. You take responsibility for your strays; you name it."

"At least he won't go wandering off and get surgical implants when we're not looking."

The Doctor snorted.

"I'm going to name him Jack."

The Doctor looked up from his favourite position on the floor of the control room, legs spread, fiddling with the wires in the console. "Jack? Why?"

"He has that look about him."

"He looks like he's about to go off and shag any sentient species he finds?"

Rose giggled again, regarding the creature as it preened itself. "Nope, just looks like a Jack."

"Oh good, another one."

"What do you have against cats?" Rose inquired, moving the creature off her lap and moving over to sit next to him, watching his long fingers deftly twisting the wires together.

"Nothing really, but a cat is a cat," he shrugged, "is a cat. And that's that. Now, the cat-people on..."

He trailed off at Rose's quelling look and 'Jack' aimed a glare at the Doctor before licking his paw and cleaning his ear.

There were no problems as they settled into a sort of routine; Jack and the Doctor avoided each other at all costs and Jack was given the run of the TARDIS except the bedrooms.

That rule had been enforced when the Doctor had accidentally kicked Jack when he'd strolled too close and had subsequently found a smelly 'present' in his bed one night.

PART II

"He's getting fat."

Rose looked up from a magazine to find the Doctor and Jack squaring off in a staring contest. The Doctor was sitting at the table in the kitchen, bent forward so his chin was almost touching the surface. Jack, ears twitching slightly, was crouched on the table, facing the Doctor. Both were staring intently at each other and not blinking.

Rose's eyes started watering just watching them.

"No he's not."

"He is! I don't know what you feed him on but he needs to go on a diet."

"Don't be ridiculous. He just needs a bit more exercise, that's all. Probably gets bored with just the corridors to wander. Maybe we can let him into the garden?"

"No. He'll dig up all the plants and crap everywhere."

Rose rolled her eyes. "Since when do you care about the plants? Plus he's fully TARDIS-trained."

He ignored her and she shook her head, getting up and making some toast before settling back down and delving back into her magazine. "Loser sleeps on the corridor floor tonight."

The Doctor started, using all of his self-control to prevent himself from looking over at her in surprise. "But he sleeps outside your room anyway!"

She grinned, not looking up. "Better not lose then."

It was a few weeks later, in the middle of the night, when Rose was disturbed by a noise. She blinked sleepily, and turned her head to look at the body lying next to her, wondering if he'd snorted or something.

"Did you say something?"

"Hmmnn?"

She sighed. "Never mind."

"Okay." The Doctor's arm tightened round her and she rolled over to snuggle into his warm body, lulled back into sleep by the thud-thud of his two hearts.

It happened again, and this time the Doctor heard it too, lifting his head from her pillow and frowning at her. "What was that?"

"I dunno." She groaned, sitting up, and rubbed her eyes. The TARDIS sent a soft glow of light into her room so she could see vague outlines of the furniture, and she scanned it for anything different. "I don't see anything..."

"Wait." The Doctor sat up too, looking towards the far corner. "There was movement over there."

She squinted in the direction he pointed and saw a pile of clothes, jumbled in the corner. "That's my laundry pile. Jack decided to use the box as a scratching post and it fell apart."

"Well it appears your laundry pile has grown its own life-form, since last time I checked, laundry didn't make noises."

Huffing, Rose flipped the covers back and padded over to the pile, the TARDIS brightening the lights further so she could see. Halfway across the room, she froze, having seen the pile move suddenly and emit a small noise. "Okay, there's definitely something in there."

The Doctor slowly joined her, his ever-present sonic screwdriver in his hand. Rose stayed behind as he quietly approached, a hand reached out to pull the top layer away (a jumper that had rather odd-coloured stains on from a paint festival gone wrong). Having removed the offending item, he jumped back, screwdriver at the ready.

"Ha! Take that, laundry-creature of doom...oh."

"Oh?" Rose repeated, creeping up behind him and peering over his shoulder. "It's not my laundry bent on world domination?"

"Well, would you look at that?"

Seeing the Doctor had relaxed slightly, Rose stepped forward until she could see the object of their night's disturbed sleep. Nestled amongst her discarded socks, jeans and tops was Jack, surrounded by four wriggling bodies of pearly-white fur. "Aw! Jack's had kittens!" She dropped to her knees and offered her hand to Jack, allowing the feline to sniff her and decide whether or not to let the human near the new additions. When a rumbling purr erupted from the adopted member of the crew, Rose ran a finger lightly down the nearest body, delighting in the softness of the fur. "Oh, they're so cute! Can we keep them?" When there was no answer, she looked up to find the Doctor standing stock still, a horrible thought having occurred to him.

"Doctor?"

"You know what this means, don't you, Rose?"

"Know what what means?"

He gulped.

"That apparently Jack is actually...Jackie..."

Author's Note: I think that's it for Snarky!TARDIS, guys. I do love the new series but to me that's a completely different person. If I get any inspiration for a new fic I may write it down but that's unlikely. Thanks for all your lovely reviews and for keeping me company on this little journey!