By: XsesenX
Distribution: Sure, just ask me first
Disclaimer: I don't own 'My So-Called Life,' or any of the characters mentioned. The song is also not mine, it's "For You to Notice" by Dashboard Confessional and belongs soley to Chris Carrabba.
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Red rolled to a stop. I don't know why I'm calling this car Red. It is, after all, a tie to one of the most horrible memories like, ever.
"Angela..."
Jordan was struggling to find the words. I could tell. I should've interrupted him, told him to take me home. Told him that he was scum, that he used me, that he used Brian... that he lied. That he made me feel worthless of breath.
But for some reason, I just looked into his eyes, allowing him to speak.
"I didn't write the letter. Not a word of it. None of it was me."
My eyes started to fill. My face began to burn. My breaths became shallow and short.
But wasn't this what I wanted? The truth?
'Yes,' my inner voice told me. 'But this wasn't the truth you wanted.'
"Take me home." My voice was wavering. I didn't want him to see me cry.
But I knew he could.
Despite popular belief, Jordan Catalano wasn't stupid.
"No."
I looked up at him. Usually when I said stuff like that, he got really angry. Now he just... was. He was completely calm.
"Angela, I need you to know... the words may not have like, come from me. But I meant them." He inhaled deeply. "I mean... Krakow wrote them. I'll admit that. But I wouldn't have given it to you if I didn't mean them. I'm just not like, good with words, ya know? I just had Krakow write it, then I read it, and I meant all of it. Every word. So I gave it to you."
I sat there. I wasn't going to say anything. Not until he admitted it.
"Damn it, Angela, why do you do this to me?"
"Do what!" Okay, so maybe I will speak...
He ran his hands through his hair, angrily. "You like, have this power over me! I can't just like, do what I usually do, you know? I can't just push you out of my life like I always do."
Oh...
"You're amazing, you know that? You're this person who like, doesn't even realize it. You're beautiful, Angela. You're smart. You're nice... and you like, get me. No one else ever has."
Oh...
"You changed me. I mean, I've never wanted to like... be with someone so badly before."
Oh...
"I'm sorry. I know you'll never forgive me, but you have to know that I didn't want it. I only want you. I was only thinking about you. You're the only thing I've ever needed, Angela."
Oh...
"And I'm sorry for like, telling you we had to do it. It's just... like, before, I've only wanted that from girls. It was like you were... saying no to me by saying no to that. And it scared me, because I didn't want to just... I wanted it to mean something. Like it's supposed to. I wanted to show you how I like, feel, or something."
Just say it, Jordan. Please, just say it...
"Jordan... just say it."
"I... I can't. Not yet. I can't even find the words for it, Angela."
I went to open the door. We were only two blocks from my house. I didn't want to be with him if he was only in severe like and lust with me. Because I was in love with him. And I didn't want to fool myself.
"Angela, wait."
Something about his voice made me stop.
"Just... get out."
The heat was returning to my face. I nodded, and opened the door.
But Jordan opened his, too.
Then he walked around to the trunk.
"I um... this time," Jordan said, making a few slight tuning adjustments, "it really is about you..."
The song started, a few simple chords on Jordan's acoustic guitar.
"I'm starting to fashion an idea in my head, where I would impress you. Where every single word I said would come out insightful, or brave, or smooth, or charming. And you'd wanna call me..."
He wrote me a song.
Jordan Catalano actually wrote me a song. And it was beautiful.
"I would be there every time you need me. I'd be there every time."
You know, it's like, really coincidental. Everything essential to life starts with the mouth. Eating, drinking, breathing... but suddenly, it seemed like the only thing essential to my being was this song. The only thing I needed was Jordan. Was knowing he was there.
"But for now, I'll look so longingly. Waiting for you want me, for you to need me, for you to notice me."
Then Jordan struck the last chord. He'd never once taken his eyes off of me.
I won't be the first to say it.
I won't.
"So... did um... I mean, was it... did..."
"It was amazing."
He smiled and began to nervously tap his fingertips on his guitar.
"Jordan?" He looked back up, his eyes returning to mine. "Just say it."
He turned his gaze from me and began to nervously rub his neck.
"Please, Jordan."
His eyes locked onto mine, and he took a step towards me. Then another. And another. Until the was standing mere inches from me, his eyes burning into mine.
"Angela..." Just say it, Jordan... please... "Angela, I may not have written that letter. But I wrote that song. And I meant every word. You... you're like, everything. Everything I ever wanted. When I'm with you, I like, feel like I'm more than what people think of me. I feel like I can do anything." He inhaled deeply, and took my hand in his. "Angela, I love you."
And he just said it. Just like that.
"I love you, too."