Disclaimer: I do not own Shaman King. If I did…Oh, the possibilities! ☺

Not So Sure

By MJ Beck

I fiddled with the metal zipper of my pink jacket and fought the urge to slam either my foot or fist into something hard but hopefully breakable. The feeling was further intensified when a noticeable head of blue spikes sailed into the room.

"You have five seconds to leave this room," I warned him softly.

"Sis, I –"

"I do not recall asking you to explain." My voice was flat, emotionless – which should send a message to my idiot brother that I was in a dangerous mood.

"Pilica –"

"You heard her. Get out."

I looked up to bright amber eyes boring into my profile and coincidentally, the target of my murderous intentions locked onto the owner of said eyes. My hands began to clench themselves into fists at my side as I returned the gaze with equal stony intensity.

I didn't even notice my brother leave the room.

"What do you want?" I asked him apathetically.

He raised an eyebrow and casually leaned a broad shoulder on the doorframe. "An explanation would be much appreciated."

I raised my chin higher in an act of defiance. "I do not recall owing you one."

"Nonetheless, it would be appreciated if you would grace me with one."

I could feel my blood coursing hotly in my veins as he leveled a far more intense gaze on me now that my idiot of a brother was gone.

"Tell me why you refuse to see me, Pilica. Tell me why you can't stand the sight of me. Tell me why the hell you've been avoiding me these past five years!"

I flinched. I've never heard Tao Ren raise his voice before. Not in this manner. Not with such vulnerability.

"I told you before," I replied shakily. "I do not owe you an explanation."

He crossed the room to me with a few strides. I would've asked how the hell he grew so tall if I didn't know how addicted he was to dairy products. He tilted my face so gently to meet his intense amber gaze.

"Tell me," he continued so softly, "why you hate me."

I do not hate him. Hate is such a strong word…but not strong enough. Forced to meet the baring eyes of he whom I despised above all the higher members of Kingdom Animalia, I was forced to meet with the truths and half-truths buried in five years of escape.

Maybe I really didn't hate him.

Maybe I was just sulking and in the process, convinced myself I hated him. I'm pretty good at that sort of thing…lying so convincingly even I believe my own deceitfulness.

And there in the amber light, I guess I was…not so sure.

"I can't hear you, Pilica."

I squeezed my eyes shut. I could feel tears seeping out of the corners of my eyes.

"I'm not so sure, anymore," I repeated, a little louder this time.

And then it happened. His lips descended so quickly on mine I never had the chance to react as strongly as I should have and even as they stroked my mouth so silkily…

"It took me five years to make sure," he breathed raggedly upon my lips as he claimed them in a kiss once more. "I'm sure. I'm so goddamn sure."

I never quite got it how someone as harsh as Tao Ren could be so gentle. Sure he and Oniichan could fire insults at each other all day and beat each other up all night but this…this is different.

And this is why after five years, I'm not so sure.

Because maybe, after five years, I still love him – just as I did when I was thirteen, naïve, and stupid.

"I love you, Pilica. You don't know what you've done to me," he murmured so softly in my ear.

It was my undoing.

After five years…

"I love you, too. I always have."