Author: Zab
Summary: One of those stupid fics written by someone who's completely lost their mind. But we can all use a little stupidity now and then. Or a lot.
Spoilers: Urm... pretty much assumes full knowledge of the plot up to now, including "This Is Not Happening". No specific spoilers I can think of though. Also it helps if you've ever seen the British comedy, "Mr. Bean", but if not, don't fret.
Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully and Doggett aren't mine. They belong to CC, 1013 and Fox. Although if CC doesn't start treating them better they may run away, and if they showed up around my neighborhood, you bet I'd let them in and feed them. They might have problems eating cat food like the rest of my pets, but at least I'd have the decency to get Mulder and Scully together. So, anyway, please don't sue me, I only have thirty-three cents in my left shoe and it's *mine*!
Archive: You want it, it's yours, with my name attached of course.
Review: Pretty please? My first fic and I'm very insecure. (Yes, it's supposed to be this silly, this isn't an attempt at correct characterization)
Turn back now, ye who value your sanity.
*~*~*~*~*~*
Chris Carter & Co.'s Office
Monday 9:32 am
Chris Carter thought and thought and thought. He had to write something brilliant... Something marvelous. Frank Spotnitz, Vince Gilligan, and John Shiban were outside of the office, pounding on the door.
"Chris, are you alright in there?" Spotnitz asked.
"We're worried about you," Vince added.
"Please let us in; it's cold out here!" "What kind of fool do they take me for?" Carter was talking to himself.
Obviously the three writers were working with the Consortium. Agents of
CSM himself! Carter shuddered at the thought of all the time he'd spent
around those traitors! "At least I still have you my Penguin friend," Carter
patted his desk lamp affectionately. "Ow!" he screamed as the light bulb
burnt him.
CC opened his desk drawer and took out an orange crayon, which he began
to write with on a piece of binder paper.
*~*~*~*~*~*
A strange light fell down from above on a road somewhere in the middle
of Britain. The "Mr. Bean" theme music played and two men dressed in suits
fell out of the light and landed with thuds on the ground. Mulder -- who
was one of the two men -- got up. The other man, a less-than-handsome British
native got up too.
"What happened?" Mulder asked.
The British man shrugged and muttered something Mulder couldn't understand
both because he said it quietly and because of his heavy accent. The two
walked off their own separate ways.
After walking to the Hoover building, Mulder walked into his basement
office. Scully jumped out of her seat at Mulder's desk and ran/waddled
(she was noticeably pregnant) over to Mulder. They kissed, and were, in
general, very sappy.
"Oh, Mulder, I love you, I was so worried about you!" Scully practically
clobbered him.
"Oh Scully, I love you too! Your hair smells so pretty! And you're pregnant
too, cool!" Mulder smiled. Then he blinked, "Were you using my desk while
I was gone?"
"Um... no.."
*~*~*~*~*~*
Spotnitz, Shiban and Vince had given up on Chris and gone to an amusement
park the day before. Shiban was still eating cotton candy and Vince had
one of those Mickey Mouse hats on.
"Wow, he's still in there!" Spotnitz said.
"I think we'd better check on him, and make sure he's okay," Vince suggested.
Spotnitz and Shiban whispered to each other and decided that since Vince
had suggested they check on him, he should be the one to be thrown through
the window into Carter's office. There was a loud crash of broken glass
as Vince was thrown through the window. [Author's Note: Hurrah for Vince,
writer of many a 'shippy episode!] With only minor cuts, Vince got up and
walked past Chris Carter, who was napping at his desk with the orange crayon
stuck up his nose, and unlocked the door to let Spotnitz and Shiban in.
Carter snapped his head up. "Frohike, Langly, Byers! Thank Goodness
you're here!" he hugged the three writers.
"Um.... right...." Shiban was obviously confused.
Carter jumped up and down an picked up the piece of paper from the desk,
"Look! I've written the most brilliant script ever! Marvel at my infinite
talent!" He handed over the paper with a "MWAHAHAHA!" that sounded frighteningly
like a girlish giggle.
After staring at the paper for a while trying to decipher the handwriting
the writers began to comment.
"Umm... Chris," Spotnitz asked, "why wasn't Doggett in the office with
Scully, you going to give any explanation for what happened to him?"
"Um, he died," Chris made up an excuse. He squirmed under their skeptical
glances, "Okay! Fine, I lost Robert Patrick! He should be somewhere in
the building, but I forgot where, and he's new and doesn't know his way
around, and he's probably dead by now!"
"How do you lose an actor?" Spotnitz asked. "Never mind, I don't want
to know."
Shiban raised an eyebrow as he glanced up from the script, "Didn't we
already have the a Mulder back in the last episode, anyway? Why is he coming
back again?"
Carter glared at them and looked like he was about to burst into tears,
"It's not finished yet."
Vince thought it best not to comment on the script and simply plucked
the orange crayon from out of Carter's nose.
"Wow! I've seen that done with a quarter, but never with a crayon! How'd
you do that?" Carter asked, dazzled. Suddenly his eyes lit up, "Get me
nacho cheese! Lots and lots of it! I have an idea!"
*~*~*~*~*~*
Mulder and Scully were having an eggplant war, throwing them at each
other happily when the phone rang.
"Mulder," Mulder wiped eggplant goo out of his hair and listened with
interest, "Scully!" he said as he put down the phone, "we just got an anonymous
tip that there are aliens staying in a nearby abandoned warehouse. Apparently
they thought it was a Motel 6."
"Mulder, we've been over this before, it was probably just swamp
gas, there's a logical explanation for everything," Scully paused a moment
to think. "Except for my religion, but that's different."
"But Scuuulllllyy.... I wanna go see the aliens," Mulder whined, his
voice taking a childish tone, and jumped up and down with impatience.
Scully threw an eggplant at him.
*~*~*~*~*~*
Spotnitz, Vince, and Shiban had returned from their second trip to get
nacho cheese. Carter had sent them back the last time, screaming for more
cheese, and not the low fat stuff either, he claimed it clumped too much
for his purpose.
"Is it really necessary to throw me through a *new* window?" Vince asked
the other two. "I mean, we've already broken the glass in the other-"
Spotnitz and Shiban got bored in the middle of Vince's sentence and
threw him through a new window. Once again, Vince landed with a thud and
rubbed his head as he got the door for the others.
"Oh my...." Shiban and Spotnitz stared, and for the first time Vince
took in his surroundings.
Chris Carter was sitting in a lotus position in the middle of the room
wearing a hat made of folded newspaper. His eyes were closed in meditation.
A paintbrush lay on the floor, discarded. Nacho cheese dripped from the
end of it, matching an entire wall of the room.
His eyes snapped open, "Did you bring the cheese?"
They nodded and he showed them the script.
"I want some really nice special effects for the aliens. Scratch that,
I want *fabulous* special effects. No, scratch that too -- I want to make
that new Star Wars movie look like a sock puppet show!" Carter rambled.
"Um, Chris, I'm afraid we can't do that. We blew most of the money for
this episode on nacho cheese."
"Hmm... then get me some of those fake flamingos people put on their
lawns, a bag of googly eyes, and a hot glue gun!" CC said and resumed working
on his script.
*~*~*~*~*~*
Mulder and Scully entered the abandoned warehouse. They cautiously look
around, both keeping a hand near their guns as their flashlights illuminate
the area.
"I'm not seeing anything."
"They'll be here, Scully."
"Mulder," Scully sighed, "What do you plan to do if we *do* find the
aliens?"
"Well," Mulder replied thoughtfully, "I'm guessing that the alien
will some how sneak up behind us and attack us, then we'll fire at it,
then I'll drop my gun. Then I'll try to blind it with my freakishly high
watt flashlight. Then I'll drop the flashlight, then we'll become separated
and spend at least five minutes running through the dark warehouse shouting
each other's names. Sound good?"
"Or, maybe," Scully gently suggested, "We could set a trap for them?"
"That's even better!" Mulder agreed.
Soon they were hiding behind some boxes waiting for the aliens to fall
for the trap they had rigged. The agents' "fool proof" trap was merely
a box propped up with a stick. They were going to tie a string to the stick
so they could pull it and have the box fall over, but they hadn't had the
money to purchase the string, so they had opted to just throw a rock at
the box once the alien came. Under the box was their bait, a pack of Morleys
(Mulder had argued that all evil beings must like them).
Without warning, the alien snuck up on them from behind and made an
odd screeching noise. Scully and Mulder turned quickly to see the alien.
It appeared to be a plastic lawn flamingo with a third eye glued onto it's
head and orange, cheesy blotches in random places. To make a long story
short, the alien got away, but Scully resourcefully caught it on a video
camera that she miraculously found.
When they took the tape back to Skinner, he said "Great work agents!
This is irrefutable proof of alien life! Nobody could have faked a *video*!"
So the agents did a little happy dance and all was dandy and fine.
*~*~*~*~*~*
Spotnitz, Shiban and Vince recounted the tale to DD and GA over bottles
of iced tea.
"So what did you do about Chris?" Gillian asked.
"Did you bring me anything from Disneyland?" David asked.
Shiban ignored DD, "Don't worry about him. We gave him a nice little
cage and give him fresh water and carrots and newspapers every day."
Then completely randomly, DD said he was coming back to the X-Files
full time, and all was fine and dandy.
The End
Somewhere in Britain
11:46 pm
Chris Carter & Co.'s Office
Tuesday 10:13 am
Hoover Building -- No, not where they make vacuum cleaners, the other
one
Tuesday 1:34 pm
Chris Carter & Co.'s Office
Tuesday 4:32 pm
Abandoned Warehouse
Tuesday 2:07 pm
Chris Carter & Co.'s Office
Thursday 12:26 am
