"My dear friends, my loyal companions, my most sworn followers, I have something very important to tell you. It may affect your lives from this moment on, but the truth must be told. I, Draco Lucius Malfoy--"

"Your middle name is Lucius? What kind of--"

"No interrupting me, damn it!"

"My apologies, your majesty."

"Anyway. I, Draco Lucius Malfoy, noticed that I was being eyed by Professor Snape this evening."

"..."

"..."

"Professor Snape eyes everyone, Draco."

"No, really?"

"I don't appreciate your sarcasm, but yes, really."

"I meant eying me in that weird way that some of you do."

"You mean the lusty, 'I want to get you tied up in bed' look?"

"Yes! That one!"

"I highly doubt that's the same look."

"But I'm so sure of it."

"Listen, what I think is that you want to be sure of it. This information didn't affect our lives at all."

"But--"

"No, Draco! There are three things Professor Snape most likely will never be: gay, pedophiliac, and a person attracted to you."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means exactly how it sounds."

"I can't be liked by him?"

"Do you even want to be? You're not even gay."

"..."

"..."

"Well, I don't want a Professor liking me. It's disgusting. I just had to let you all know that I think he does."

"Sure. Okay. Please leave now."

"Fine, you bloody wankers, I'll leave!"

"What ever happened to us being your dear friends?"

"You've lost that title!"