The Mary Sue Chronicles
Author: Phishy chan
Pairings: everyone/OC (but not really)
Warnings: Mary-sues, severe OOCness on most of the canon characters' parts, incongruence between different parts of the story. Overuse of the phrase "not really." All intentional. Aside from that, swearing (or censoring of), sarcastic smut
Mary Sue chronicles, Case File 1: Hyuuga Kurohana
Victim: Neji Hyuuga
"Who's back?"
"Hyuuga Kurohana, Godaime-sama," the dutiful Shizune reported. She glanced down at the papers that she received in her mailbox this morning. The authenticity of the documents was questionable, but since it had something that resembled a special-uberly-ANBU-elite ninja's signature, she figured it may as well be a real document anyway.
"Hyuuga Kurohana? Who the devil is that?" The regal Tsunade, current "-daime" of Konoha country, snorted. "I didn't know the Hyuugas used such tacky names."
"Um… Why wouldn't you know her, Godaime-sama?" Shizune asked tentatively. "It says on her return form that you taught her all of your healing jutsus when she was six because you saw her obvious skill and talent that surpassed even the mightiest of Hyuugas. She has a hybrid-bloodline-limit called the 'Byarugan' which is a combination of the Sharigan and Byakugan due to genetic modifications as a child…."
Tsunade burst out laughing and set her shot-glass of sake down onto the table quite audibly.
"When she was six, eh? The buffoon obviously has her dates wrong, but continue on, Shizune. This is amusing," the graceful leader guffawed. "Nevermind the fact that no one knows what 'generic modifications' are. Continue."
"Yes. Her taijutsu surpasses the levels of Maito Gai, and she has the ability to open nine chakra gates…"
Shizune was interrupted by her superior's peals of laughter.
"… And she has 250 percent accuracy when it comes to weapons such as kunai, shuriken, and senbon needles. According to her associations, she is the lost daughter of Hiashi Hyuuga, and was very close friends with Hatake Kakashi and Obito Uchiha. Supposedly, she was their former teammate before Rin, and moved out of their team a year before them due to her advancements as a ninja."
"Kakashi, eh? When he was a kid? What is her status with the Hyuugas now?" Tsunade asked thoughtfully.
"She is part of the Main House, and is due to marry Hyuuga Neji to produce…" Shizune squinted unsurely and blinked several times at the following sentences. "… To produce 'painstakingly gorgeous, hot, alluring, enticing, and ultimately sexy Hyuuga babies.'"
"Does Neji know about this?" Tsunade snorted through muffled laughter. "Or to expand on that, do ANY of the Hyuugas know about this?"
"I'm afraid not, Godaime-sama. At least, I'm quite sure… Or… they shouldn't…."
"Who are you again?" Hiashi asked with less than the usual regal and noble air that usually surrounded him.
"Kurohana Hyuuga, Hiashi-san," the woman said with a humble tone. She was breathtakingly beautiful with her shiny-long, silky black hair that was tinged with a hint of bluish-silver. She had a lithe, slender form, unlike that of a cat and ivory skin. Her Hyuuga eyes, instead of being the traditional white, were bluish-purple with a trace of silver and a spark of gold. Clearly this was no ordinary kunoichi, Hiashi Hyuuga had to admit. He was totally smitten with her at first glance and…
Er…Not really.
Hiashi Hyuuga was confused. Clearly, this woman was definitely not a Hyuuga. For one, she didn't seem to have a pure Byakugan, and secondly… He was the head of the Hyuuga clan, so why the fook was she addressing him as "-san?" Insolent wench…
Speaing of which, since he was indeed the head of the Hyuuga household, if Kurohana were indeed a Hyuuga…he would know her. The birth of every Hyuuga in his household was documented in that book over in the corner…and he definitely didn't remember a "Hyuuga Kurohana."
Hiashi thought to himself again. There was the possibility of her being a missing-nin of sorts…However…
…Why did she address him as, "-san!" Regardless of whether she was in the Branch or Main house, she should have referred to him as "-sama!" Curse the gods!
"…I see," Hiashi said carefully, maintaining that regal composure. One does not become head of one's household because one wears his emotions on his sleeve. One becomes the head of his household by fate. Hiashi digressed. "And what is thy… your business here?"
"I am here to fulfill your noble father's request; to marry the strongest Hyuuga," she explained. "I believe it was also the dying wish of the great Hizashi-sama as well. Indubitably, his son has grown to be the most talented and prodigious of the Hyuugas, has he not?"
Hiashi really wanted to slap this child. How dare she refer to him as "-san" while she referred to his brother, a BRANCH house member, deceased no less, as "-sama."
Hiashi was the head of the Hyuuga household.
Hiding his disgust and a scornful snort, Hiashi nodded in understanding and sipped his tea.
"I have decided that this is unacceptable," he said decidedly.
"WHAT? WHY!" Kurohana screeched rather uncharacteristically. "NO!111one NEJI ISH MAI HUSBAND AND I AM TO HAVE SEXY HOT BABIES WITH HIM!111"
Hiashi acted as though nothing went wrong.
"I shall state my reasons why. First, because I do not believe you are a Hyuuga. You lack the pure Byakugan, and we have no record of you in our household. Second, you treat me, the Head of the Hyuuga clan, as a mere… other person. One does not simply title the HEAD of the PRESTIGIOUS HYUUGA clan as '-san.' In accordance to this, you did not know my father, as his wish was not to have you, a nonexistent Hyuuga, marry the strongest member of our clan. His wish was to have tea with the Hokage on Yondaime's nose during a spring day with many sakura petals in the air. In addition to this, you referred to my brother, a Branch house member, as '-sama' which is quite frankly, unacceptable. Finally, you may not marry my nephew because it is not his fate to marry someone that is not a Hyuuga."
"ZOMG! I HAET U!11one," Kurohana raged. "I shall best you in a fight! THOUSAND PETAL BYARUGAN LOTUS MANEUVER EYES!"
And Kurohana unleashed all of her righteous fury on Hiashi Hyuuga who was definitely no match for the great kunoichi and was smote in a single stroke.
Not really.
He felt amused and decided to try smiting her with the Curse-Seal-no-Jutsu. Pretty soon, Kurohana was writhing on the floor in pain.
"Oh. Perhaps she is a Hyuuga. Then she is a Branch House member," Hiashi remarked. Then he tapped her on the forehead and said, "I smite thee for thy insolence."
Kurohana threw a hissy-fit and yelled blasphemy at the great Hiashi. "CURSE YOU! I WILL marry Neji and I WILL bear his hot babies!"
When the pain subsided (around midnight), Kurohana leaped up and started to hunt for her not-really-a-fiancée.
She found him in his bedroom watching "the OC."
"NEJI-SAMA! I have FOUND YOU!" She yelled out of joy.
"It's about time you started recognizing me as your superior, Lee. Now shut up, Seth is about to confess his undying love to Ryan," Neji said in a peeved tone. He didn't spare Kurohana a single glance and bit into a Ho-Ho as Ryan got into a heated fight with some random Jock on TV.
"Neji-sama! It is I, Kurohana, you're one true object of affection and worthy wife!" Kurohana sobbed. "Embrace me now! Let us make love!"
Neji paused as he was about to finish his Ho-ho. Closing his eyes in annoyance, he sighed deeply, paused the show with the power of Tivo and turned to the amazingly annoying tinny that was now bothering him.
"You're not Lee. Who are you?" Neji asked irritably.
"Hyuuga Kurohana, Neji-sama! It was your father's dying wish that I be your lawfully wedded wife! I, Kurohana Hyuuga, the prodigy of our clan!" She sang out dramatically.
"Uh, no, I'm the prodigy of our clan. And you're, what, 30?" Neji scathingly remarked. "I've never heard of you. I didn't even know that there was a 'Kurohana' in our clan."
"Neji-sama! Please accept my love and affection!" Kurohana crowed.
With that she threw herself shamelessly at him while tearing off the kinky kimono she was wearing, exposing us to a smutty steam of forbidden love and mad-hot sex.
Or…In Neji's case, something along the lines of child molestation.
Somewhere in the vast courtyard of the Hyuuga household…
Hinata was ordered by her father to fetch Neji for dinner. She walked across to the Branch House and down the hall that ended in Neji's room. As she neared her destination, she began to hear loud, rambunctious, smutty, and most obviously NOT-Neji-like sounds emanating from his room.
"STOP! STOP! STOP, DAMN YOU! THE HELL ARE YOU…AUGH!"
"NEJI-SAMA! DO NOT BE BASHFUL! I AM OPEN AND READY FOR YOUR PENETRATION!"
"(horrendous cursing goes here)"
Hinata squeaked when her hand accidentally (but probably not really) turned the door handle, commencing in the exposure of our happily-wedded couple making love on their first night.
Need I say it? Too bad.
Not really.
Hinata's face flushed a brilliant crimson at the scene that met her eyes.
Kurohana was pretty much stark-naked and had pinned Neji to the floor. It was obvious she was trying to strip the poor boy, as his shirt was torn and his pants had been flung onto the TV. She was straddling his waist and her left hand was wandering God-and-everyone-with-a-dirty-mind-knows-where, while her right arm was offering horrified Neji one of her milky-smooth boobies.
Quickly slapping a hand over her eyes, Hinata managed to tremble out, "Ne-Ne-Neji-san! Father wants you to come down to dinner! I-I'm sorry if I disturbed you!"
And the unfortunate child tore down the hallway.
"/Fack/ this," Neji growled. "I'm late for dinner, you WHORE. GENTLE FIST STYLE!"
"Neji-sama! I did not know that you were able to develop the Gentle-Fist style into a love-making technique! Truly you are a prodigy among the prodigious Hyuugas!" Kurohana moaned adoringly.
This was not true, and instead Neji proceeded to Gentle-Fist-style the bejeebuz out of her.
It didn't take long.
He grabbed his hakama, threw it on and quickly dashed out of his room and down the hall. Dinner was getting cold, and he'd already been traumatized as a child. He didn't need to be traumatized again.
END
A/N: I've been wanting to do a Mary-Sue parody fic for the LONGEST time ever. And I finally got off of my lazy arse to do it, starting with a Hyuuga-archetype. I realize that Uchihas are the spawn of most mary-sues, along with Uzumakis, but I like Neji better.
I will allow reviews to shoot me for the following:
Neji's OOCnessHiashi's OOCness, though, this really is the way I imagine him
The incongruency
between Kurohana's relation to Hiashi
The creation of
Kurohana
The smut scene
Neji's second traumatic experience
Hinata's first traumatic experience
R/R/F, plzkthxbai