Disclaimer: I don't own The OC or its characters, etc.
Summary: Kirsten hits rock bottom and Sandy has to take drastic action to help her. The first chapter is based on the spoilers for The Dearly Beloved and will continue into multiple chapters.
Kirsten sat on the edge of the bed, her shoulders slumped and her head dropped. Her eyes were closed as she tried to get her head to stop spinning, but it wouldn't. Round and round and round, never stopping. She tried taking steady breaths, but it didn't help. Round and round and round.
"Kirsten?"
Sandy's voice invaded her head and she frowned, trying to block out everything around her.
"Kirsten?"
He was closer now and she felt the bed dip as he sat beside her; she felt his warm hand on her back, rubbing it slowly.
"Breathe, just breathe," he soothed.
She breathed deeper until it felt like her lungs would explode and let out a heavy sigh; his hand kept circling her back, trying to keep her calm. She leaned into him slightly and he let her rest her weight on him.
"How are you feeling?" Sandy asked gently.
Kirsten shook her head, words refusing to form. A single tear escaped from her eye and it trickled down her face, falling onto her hands that sat in her lap.
"The caterers are here to set up for the wake. Why don't you take a moment and then come down to the kitchen – make sure they're doing everything the way you want it," Sandy said.
Kirsten nodded and lifted her head as Sandy placed a kiss on her forehead. He smelt the alcohol on her breath immediately and closed his eyes, hiding the disappointment. He stood up and left quickly, leaving Kirsten alone. She sighed, knowing that he knew. Another tear fell and she cursed her own weakness. She lifted her purse that lay on the bed next to her and opened it, pulling out a bottle of vodka. In the days since his death, alcohol had been her constant companion: it was there when she went to the hospital to see his lifeless body; it was there when she went to the funeral home to choose the coffin that he would be buried in; it was there when she went to his house to go through his belongings.
She unscrewed the lid and drank. The liquid burned her throat but she was used to it by now. She felt it run through her body, soaking into her blood. She swallowed another mouthful. It made her feel better; it helped her to block out the pain; it helped her to stop thinking. Another gulp and she put the bottle back into her bag for later. She would need more later.
She slid her feet into her shoes and stood up shakily. She wobbled before regaining her balance and took another deep breath. She walked slowly out of the bedroom and into the yard, inhaling the fresh air like a drug. She saw Seth and Ryan in the poolhouse and paused, watching them, until Ryan lifted his head and caught her eyes. Seth spun around and looked at her. And she saw it:
They knew.
Kirsten dropped her head, avoiding their gazes. She thought she had hidden it from them, saving her binges for the privacy of her bedroom or late at night when they were safe in their own bedrooms. She shuffled quickly into the house. It was full of people she didn't know. The smell of food made her stomach turn and she had to lean against the wall for support until the nausea passed.
The doorbell rang and Kirsten sighed. She was dreading today; seeing people, talking to them, pretending that she was coping, pretending that everything was ok. But she wasn't coping and everything wasn't ok. It rang again and Kirsten walked slowly but steadily up to the front door. She pulled it open.
"Hailey!"
Her younger sister smiled, before her face crumpled and tears started to fall. Kirsten stepped forward and wrapped her arms around her, hugging her tightly against her body. She refused to let her own tears fall, focussing her attention on her sister, whispering in her ear to soothe her. When the crying had stopped, Kirsten pulled back and smiled sadly at Hailey.
"I wasn't sure I was going to make it back on time," Hailey said, rubbing her tearstained cheeks.
"I'm glad you here," Kirsten said softly.
Hailey nodded. Kirsten wrapped an arm around her shoulders and led her into the kitchen where Sandy, Seth and Ryan had grouped together. They fell silent as she entered and her eyes flickered between them as she tried to guess the topic of their conversation.
"Hailey, how are you?" Sandy greeted her.
Hailey shrugged and accepted his embrace. Seth and Ryan followed Sandy's lead and hugged her comfortingly.
Kirsten felt her hands shaking and she hid them behind her body as she leant back against the kitchen island.
"How long until…until the cars get here?" Kirsten asked, her voice close to breaking as images of his body cramped in a coffin haunted her mind.
"Another half an hour," Sandy said.
Kirsten nodded in response. "Ok, I'm, uh, I'm gonna go check on the caterers."
For the next thirty minutes, Kirsten busied herself with trivial chores to keep her mind occupied until he arrived. When she knew she was alone, she would pull out the bottle of vodka from her purse and drink from it to cloud her mind. Every time she did, guilt would course through her body, but she drank anyway. Because it took the pain away.
She was rearranging the same bunch of flowers for the fourth time when he arrived. She heard the doorbell ring; she heard the low murmur of voices; she heard Sandy's footsteps echo through the house as he came to find her; he heard his deep voice tell her that the cars were here and it was time to go. Clutching her bag, she took his outstretched hand and followed him outside.
She saw the coffin first and felt her stomach turn somersaults inside. She felt herself go into autopilot as Sandy led her into the car. The funeral was a blur as she played the dutiful mourning daughter. She accepted people's sympathy and shook their hands politely. She felt constantly under the spotlight, aware of the eyes that followed her around: Sandy, Seth, Ryan, Hailey, Jimmy. She wanted to escape, both physically and mentally. She longed for the comfortable surroundings of her own home, where she could drink herself into oblivion to get rid of the image of him being lowered into the ground.
She was grateful when she finally felt Sandy's hand on her back, guiding her back to the car. She was silent on the way home, counting the minutes, the seconds, until she was home. Tick tock, tick tock, the clock inside her head sounded. The car pulled up in front of the house and Kirsten was quick to exit, heading straight for the kitchen. She pulled out a bottle of wine from the refrigerator, opening it expertly. By the time Sandy reached her, the first glass had already been emptied and she was pouring the second.
"Kirsten, what are you doing?" Sandy sighed.
Kirsten laughed bitterly. "I'm drowning my sorrows."
"Please, Kirsten, I know you're upset…"
"You're right, I am upset, so why don't you just leave me alone," Kirsten spat, stalking out of the kitchen and into the yard where she prepared to greet her guests.
Sandy sighed and rested his hands on the kitchen island, dropping his head.
"Sandy?" Jimmy's voice came into the kitchen.
Sandy looked up at his friend.
"She's not doing too good, huh?" Jimmy said.
Sandy shook his head.
"I'm sure she'll be ok, once today is over," Jimmy tried to reassure him.
"I'm afraid it's way past that now," Sandy said regretfully. "Have you seen Doctor Johnsson?"
"Uh, I think he pulled up just behind us," Jimmy answered, confused as Sandy disappeared out of the kitchen.
Outside, Kirsten stood at the side with the bottle of wine behind her. She spoke to those who dared to come up to her, noticing their frowns as she began to slur her words, but she didn't care any more. They all knew.
The day turned into early evening. Kirsten shuddered as, every now and again, gentle laughter would radiate over the yard, her mind becoming more and more fuzzy as the alcohol began to have the desired effect. When one bottle emptied, she replaced it with another, over and over again. When she was sick of the taste of wine, she went into the house to find the good stuff, the stuff he would always drink when he visited.
She felt the glare of people's eyes on her as she stumbled back into the yard, carrying the delicate bottle in her hand.
"For God's sake, Kirsten, at least use a glass," Sandy grumbled, coming up to her.
He saw her trip and grabbed out to hold her arm.
"I'm fine," Kirsten pre-empted his question, reaching for a glass from the table.
"No, you're not. Just go to bed," Sandy snapped in her ear.
Kirsten felt him start to guide her across the yard and she pulled away angrily. "I said I'm fine. Let go of me."
"I'm not letting you do this," Sandy said, reaching for her again.
"GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME!" Kirsten screamed, flinging her arms violently so that the glass flew from her hand and shattered on the floor.
The sound echoed around the yard and Kirsten was aware that all eyes were on her.
"Are you happy?"
Sandy felt something inside of him snap. He slid one hand around her waist and with the other he snatched the bottle from her hands, putting it down on the table.
"Hey!"
As Kirsten reached for the bottle, Sandy pulled her away from the table.
"What are you doing? GET OFF ME!" Kirsten yelled at him.
Ignoring her cries, Sandy half carried, half dragged her across the yard. He was stronger than she was and resisted her struggling against him. He took her into their bedroom and slammed the door shut behind him, flinging her carefully onto the bed.
"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" Kirsten screamed angrily at him, pulling herself up off the bed.
"I'm trying to help you!" Sandy yelled back, standing in between Kirsten and the door to prevent her from leaving.
"Well, I don't need helping," Kirsten cried. "I'm fine!"
"Kirsten, look at yourself! You think this is 'fine'?" Sandy sighed.
"So I'm not allowed to be upset that my father died?" Kirsten asked.
"Kirsten, this was going on well before Caleb died and you know it," Sandy countered.
They heard footsteps coming up the steps from the house and turned to see Hailey and Jimmy entered the bedroom.
"Everything ok?" Hailey asked cautiously.
"Will you give us a minute, please?" Sandy asked.
"Sandy, what's going on?" Hailey probed, her eyes moving backwards and forwards between Sandy and Kirsten.
"Please, Hailey, will you just give us a minute?" Sandy said impatiently, ushering them out the door.
"Sandy?" Jimmy questioned.
Sandy placed a firm hand on Jimmy's back and pushed him out the door behind Hailey.
"Will you fetch Doctor Johnsson for me?" he asked under his breath.
Jimmy nodded and pulled a reluctant Hailey away from the bedroom. Sandy turned to see Kirsten pulling out the bottle of vodka from her purse.
"Kirsten, please!" Sandy cried. He grabbed the bottle from her hands and threw it behind him, hearing it smash against the wall.
"Sandy!"
"This stops, Kirsten. This stops right now," Sandy ordered. "Please, will you just talk to me?"
"Talk to you? What do you want to talk about, Sandy? Let's talk about the boys leaving last summer, because they hate it here so much! Let's talk about Lindsey! Let's talk about you and Rebecca and the motel room! Let's talk about Carter! Let's talk about my father, dying alone and thinking that I hated him!"
Kirsten's voice cracked as tears started to fall down her cheeks and she wiped them away roughly.
"Kirsten, honey, Caleb knew you didn't hate him," Sandy tried to comfort her.
"You don't know that! No-one knows that!" Kirsten cried. "I yelled at him and blamed him and pushed him away! And now he's dead and he'll never know that I'm sorry. He'll never know that I take it all back."
Kirsten dropped onto the stool and the end of the bed, burying her face in her hands as she cried. Sandy moved quickly to her side, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her as close to him as possible. As much as he hated to see her cry, he was grateful that she was letting her emotions out this way instead of reaching for the bottle. He rocked her gently, trying to calm her, but her sobs only became louder and more violent.
The was a gentle knock on the door and Sandy looked up to see Jimmy, Hailey and Doctor Johnsson. He gestured for them to come in and nodded towards the doctor, who opened his briefcase and pulled out a syringe.
"Sandy? What's going on?" Hailey asked again, scared by the doctor.
Sandy looked sorrowfully towards Hailey as Doctor Johnsson walked slowly across the bedroom, kneeling down in front of Kirsten.
"Kirsten, honey, I need you to sit up for a moment, ok?" Sandy nudged her gently.
Kirsten sat up slightly, her sight blurred from the tears in her eyes, confused by the stranger's face in front of her.
"Kirsten? I'm going to give you something to help you sleep now," Doctor Johnsson said.
"What? Why?" Kirsten's voice was scared and she automatically reached for Sandy.
"It's ok, sweetheart, just do what the doctor says," Sandy said calmly.
"Why? What's he doing? Sandy, what's he doing? Tell him to stop!" Kirsten cried, struggling against the doctor's grip as he tried to stick the needle into her arm.
"Please, Kirsten, just calm down," Sandy tried to soothe her.
"No, I don't want it. Sandy, tell him to stop!"
In the corner of his eye, Sandy saw Hailey turn away from the scene in front of her and lean into Jimmy. He caught Jimmy's eyes, who was staring in shock at what was happening.
He turned back to Kirsten, holding her tighter as the doctor finally administered the drugs into her small body.
"Why are you doing this?" Kirsten cried feebly, falling into Sandy's body as she continued to cry.
Sandy held her until he felt her fall asleep in his arms. Carefully, he lifted her up and placed her onto the bed. He took her shoes off and pulled the blankets over her body.
"Thank you," he said, turning to Doctor Johnsson.
"I'll wait outside," the doctor nodded, aware of the confused expressions of Hailey and Jimmy.
"Sandy, will you please explain what is going on," Hailey pleaded as the doctor left them alone.
"Will you go get rid of all the guests?" Sandy asked wearily, ignoring her question.
"Sandy…"
"Please, just get rid of the guests and I'll explain everything, I promise," Sandy asked.
He waited until they left, before going over and sitting on the bed next to Kirsten's sleeping form. He brushed away the hair from her face. Her skin was pale and there were dark circles under her eyes. Faint wrinkles had started to form on her forehead. Even in her sleep, Sandy could see the sadness and pain in her face. He took her hand in his and watched her until he heard the house go quiet. He stood up carefully and brought the blanket up to her chin, leaning down to kiss her cheek.
He walked out the bedroom and towards the house. Jimmy, Hailey and Doctor Johnsson were waiting for him in the living room.
"Sandy, what's going on?" Jimmy asked as soon as he saw him.
Sandy sighed heavily. "Kirsten's…Kirsten's an alcoholic," he explained simply.
"No," Jimmy said, shaking his head. "I mean, sure, she's always like a drink or two, but an alcoholic?"
"Like mom," Hailey whispered, sinking into one of the chairs.
"Are you sure?" Jimmy said, shocked by the revelation.
Sandy nodded.
"What happens now?" Hailey asked.
"I'm gonna get her the help she needs," Sandy said determined. He looked over to Doctor Johnsson. "How long will she be out for?"
"A couple of hours, at least," Doctor Johnsson answered.
"What are you going to do?" Hailey asked.
"There's a alcohol rehab centre a couple of hours away," Sandy said.
"You're going to take her while she's asleep?" Jimmy asked. "Are you sure that's a good idea?"
"She won't go any other way," Sandy said.
"Are you sure you're not over-reacting?" Jimmy said. "I mean, is this really necessary? Why can't she get help here?"
"Don't you think I've tried?" Sandy said angrily. "Don't you think I've been trying to help her? You haven't been here, Jimmy, you don't know what's been going on. She's been struggling and I…I didn't see it. I didn't see it until it was too late. And now there's nothing I can do to help her."
Sandy's shoulders slumped in defeat.
From her chair, Hailey nodded. "You should take her tonight."
She stood up and embraced her brother-in-law and Sandy was grateful for her approval.
"What about the boys?" Hailey asked after Seth and Ryan. "Do they know?"
Sandy nodded. "They're out with the girls, something about Ryan's brother. Will you stay here while I'm gone and tell them I'll explain when I get home?"
"Of course," Hailey said.
"I'll call the centre now and warn them you're coming," Doctor Johnsson offered.
Sandy nodded. "Thank you. I'm gonna go and pack some of her things."
Sandy walked dejectedly up the hallway and back into the bedroom. Kirsten was sleeping as he had left her. He packed a bag quietly, making sure to include everything she might possibly want with her. Jimmy came into the room as he finished.
"I'm sorry, Sandy," he said simply.
Sandy nodded and handed the bag to Jimmy. "Will you put this in the car for me, please?"
Jimmy took the bag and watched as Sandy scooped Kirsten up in his arms. They walked silently down the hallway and out to the car, where Sandy placed her carefully along the backseat. Sandy climbed into the front seat and adjusted the rear view mirror so that Kirsten was in his eyesight.
He drove in silence, for once not blasting out show tunes from the stereo. It was an easy drive, down the freeway, and Sandy was grateful to concentrate on driving. Kirsten slept peacefully in the back of the car until they were only twenty minutes from the centre. Sandy heard her stir and his heart sank; he had been hoping to get her to the centre before she woke. She mumbled something under her breath, before sitting up.
"What's going on?"
"It's ok, honey," Sandy reassured her.
"Sandy?" Kirsten questioned, rubbing her temples. "Are we going somewhere?"
Sandy sighed, realising he couldn't lie to her. "I'm taking you to rehab."
He saw her eyes flare up in anger. "What?"
"Kirsten, please, stay calm…"
"Stop the car, Sandy," Kirsten ordered.
"Kirsten…"
"Stop the car!"
Sandy kept driving, ignoring her pleas.
"I SAID STOP THE DAMN CAR!" Kirsten screamed at him.
She reached over him to grab the steering wheel and they swerved slightly across the road.
"Ok, ok, I'm stopping," Sandy gave in and pulled over on a grass verge.
Kirsten got out of the car in a rage, slamming the door shut. She paced up and down as she waited for Sandy to emerge.
"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" Kirsten yelled at him when he finally came out of the car.
"Kirsten, you need help."
"You really think sending me away is gonna help me?" Kirsten asked.
"I'm not sending you away, Kirsten. These people, they can help you," Sandy argued.
"I don't need their help!" Kirsten cried. "God, you just don't get it do you?"
"No, YOU don't get it!" Sandy yelled back, his temper flaring. "You almost died, Kirsten. Don't you understand? I almost lost you. Did you ever think about that? Do you ever think about me or Seth or Ryan when you pick up a bottle?"
Kirsten stood, shocked by Sandy's outburst, and she recoiled at his words. Sandy sighed and softened his tone.
"Kirsten, I love you and I'm not going to lose you. But I can't help you; these people can," Sandy said.
He walked over to the car and opened the door. "Will you please get back in the car?"
He waited for her reaction, unsure whether she would follow his instructions or run. He wouldn't have been surprised if she had chosen the second option, but he was relieved when she didn't. Sullenly, Kirsten got back into the car, his words still stinging her. She sat quietly as Sandy drove the rest of the way to the rehab centre, only a muffled sob escaping once in a while.
They arrived twenty minutes later. Kirsten had never felt so scared as she followed Sandy into the reception area.
"Hello, can I help you?" a woman greeted them.
"Uh, hi, my name's Sandy Cohen. I believe a Doctor Johnsson called you earlier to warn you we were coming? This is my wife, Kirsten," Sandy introduced them.
"Ah, yes, we've been expecting you. I'm Julia," the woman said.
They both looked over at Kirsten who was stood away from them slightly, her arms crossed defensively across her chest.
"Well, let's get you settled in," Julia offered.
Sandy moved to follow them, but Julia stopped him. "We can take it from here, thanks Mr Cohen."
Sandy nodded slowly. He moved towards Kirsten, who looked up with frightened eyes at him.
"Please don't do this, Sandy," she begged. "Please. I'll get help, I'll do whatever you want me to do. Please, just don't leave me here."
Sandy closed his eyes as tears threatened to fall. Kirsten clung to his jacket and Sandy gently put his hands over hers, pulling her off of him.
"I have to go."
"No, please, Sandy, don't go. Don't leave me here. Please, Sandy, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Please, Sandy," Kirsten cried.
Holding her hands in his, he kissed her forehead softly. "I love you."
Letting go, he turned and began to walk away from his wife.
"No! Please, Sandy, stop. Please, I'm sorry, please."
Kirsten stumbled towards him but Julia held her back. Sandy carried on walking, refusing to look back. He heard her sobs as he left the building and they stayed with him as he walked across to the car. They stayed with him as he drove home; they stayed with him as he explained to his sons what he had done; they stayed with him as he lay alone in his bed; and they haunted him in his dreams as he slept.
He hoped he had done the right thing.
Please tell me what you think! The rest of the story is going to focus on Kirsten in rehab, but I will be bringing Sandy, Seth and Ryan's thoughts into it at some point.