Disclaimer: Bridget Jones was written by Helen Fielding. Dragon Ball belongs to Akira Toriyama. NOT ME…
Bulma Briefs's Diary:The Edge of Patience
January: Catching Up
11 January
136 lbs.(shiiiiiiiittttttt). Cigarettes: 15 (abnormal). Alcohol units: none. Fat units: 4 (underfed)
Afternoon. CC. Kitchen: Finally! Finally! Oh, Kami! Finally! I've finally found sometime for myself! I finally have 20 minutes for myse… Shoot…
Later: Finally! I finally have 10 mins. to myself… Oh, crap.
Even later: I finally have 5…
Much later: Ok… I have 3…
Much too late: Shit
12 January136 lbs. Cigarettes: 4 (astonishing). Alcohol units: same as fags. Fat units: ……….. (fill-in the blank). Times I dozed-off in public: 5. Times I excused myself for dozing-off in public by pretending to suffer some obscure and foreign disease: 5
Early Morning. CC. Kitchen. Finally. I just fed Trunks and he should be quiet… At least for a while (not counting on that anyway)
Ah! Being a Mum is soooooo much harder than I thought.
And yes, as usual, I have a huge question to make myself… Because I would be too embarrassed to ask it out loud.
Are all mothers fond of their children?
I mean… I love my child so very dearly… But… Honest… Sometimes… HE CAN BE SOOOO ANNOYING! I had never been even close to a baby longer than half and hour before I had to spend all 24 hours in a row with my own child!
I can hardly write all the things I had to rearrange or change in my life after that noisy little meatball stormed into my routine!
My working schedule is definitely the subject that suffered most of the changes and which worried me the most… cause, let's face it… I don't really like to work…
I can't work all night through anymore… cause I fall asleep without intention… I tried a couple of nights… I successfully managed to fall asleep on the stairs… reminding me, strangely, of past times, when I would fall drunk-asleep on the staircase…
I'm officially a woman who dozes off in a manner of elderly ladies who spend their time in a rocking chair… rather pathetic. Nowadays I tend to fall asleep during board meetings, drooling and such… waking up hours after all employees have left the building…
I think it was last November that I got to finally fall asleep on my bed...
I that made me soooo happy… I was finally recovering! I was, at last! Regaining my old self… Someone should have told me that once they start sleeping al night through without crying, they would start to crawl…
Oh, Kami… I'm not sure I want Trunks to become a toddler…
I'm actually starting to freak out… My son is not abnormally strong, but something tells me I should add "yet" to that phrase… He has started to eat three times the amount of food he used to (thank Kami I'm not longer breast-feeding him…) I'm seriously worried… Very, very, very worried…
I should really start to design some sort of machine to chase my child around the house… And some sort of radar to check where in the world he is once he actually starts to walk around the… Earth…
Owwww… I'm sooo sleepy…. Sooo very… sleeeeeeeeeepppppy…
So very…
14 January136 lbs. Cigarettes: 11. Alcohol units: 1. Fat units: Wooohooo!
Late night.CC. Kitchen: Trunks is playing right next to me, on the floor. He has already made 17 holes in the walls so I try to keep him busy with some nice and original toys my father's been happy to create just for his grandson. He is childishly happy!… Dad, that is…
He's been thinking (v.seriously) about expanding Capsule Corporation's horizons by creating a fantastic line of toys for Anxious Children (or T.A.C, as I convinced him to call it, since he wanted to name the new line "C.U.N.T" -Children's Unique New Toys- and… well… Let's call that a Marketing decision…)
Sometimes it's hard to tell whether my son's been playing and making a mess of the house or my Dad… And once again I wonder why on Earth am I the most mature person in the house…
Mum's been the greatest, most enthusiastic grandma ever… I really don't know what I should have done without her… Honest… She can be a real pain in the ass… O well… I shouldn't be mean…
She just loves my Trunks…. It's like he fills the emptiness I left in her heart when I went away form home when I was little…
Quite frankly, I don't know how she ever dealt with that. No wonder her brains are a little shaky… I mean… Well… She sometimes can be… Oh, well, I shouldn't be mean…
But, on the other hand… She never did seem to notice I had been gone when I was a child… Uhmmm… Maybe she thought I was still playing in the attic…
I hate to admit it… But… Being realistic… It's very probable she never noticed I was not at home…
Oh, well…
My Dad loves to invent things for Trunks… He doesn't really care whether Trunks actually plays with them or not… I wonder if he ever cared at all about the actual usefulness of any of his inventions…
I hate to admit it… But… Being realistic… Maybe he never did…
Oh, Kami… Being so busy actually made me forget I come from a family of freaks…
Oh, the Hell with that… They are my loving family… One cannot choose parents… Or forget them… Or kill them without having to pay for it…
Oops… Have to go.
16 January
136 lbs. Cigarettes: 17. Alcohol Units: 10 (Oh, yeah… I'm a baaadd mommy…) Fat Units: an incredible, awesome, unbelievable amount… (baaad, baaad mommy…)
07.30 p.m., CC, Kitchen: I feel so miserable… Taking time to write my diary (which I hope one day makes a best-seller in a manner of a former president or a War Hero) is actually stealing time from Trunk's time with his mommy!… So… Decided to write it as I spend time with Trunks… I'm a capable woman! I can handle that! I can…
11.33 p.m., CC. Kitchen: Trunks vomited all over my diary… And yet… The timing is perfect… For the first time in months I manage to stay awoke for so long! And it's not because I have to feed him or change his diapers! I'M AWOKEE! HURRAH!
Today I started thinking about those incredible busy first months of last year. Together with putting up with my enormous belly I had to start getting things ready for Vegeta's departure.
The spaceship had been used as a training room was pretty beaten… Turned to pieces, I should say… Far more accurate… And it was up to Dad and Me to make it work properly as a proper spaceship again…
The process took almost 3 months, at the end of which I could hardly get on my knees to pick up the tools from its box.
Now that I recall, Vegeta probably find the situation rather amusing, since he would just sit and stare during the whole 15 minutes it took me to pick my screwdriver up…
Such an idiot…
We managed to keep Mum away from us (specially, from my irritable self) by commanding her (rather effortlessly) to decorate a room for the-soon-to-be-born Trunks.
In due time, everything was ready for Vegeta's departure… The Only thing that was missing was a tiny little detail… The Baby… And I wasn't that long till we were fished with that as well.
Surprisingly, Vegeta did as he had said and stuck around without a single complaint.
Of Course, I didn't expect anything from him, and, I should say, he wasn't about to make any effort to change that…
He was just… Oh well… Why denying it? He just remained to be himself…
In fact… The only thing that changed in our "relationship" was that he slept in my room more often than any of us would have liked to… I took too much space on the bed, which ended up, usually, with him sleeping on the floor. And he woke up way too early for me, so I usually woke up cranky…
Finally, the 27th May, Trunks was born…
Contradicting every single Saiyan law, he stayed close to our room in the hospital, restraining his attempts to run away as fast as he could.
Two days later, once we were all back home and settled, the Prince of Saiyans gathered all of his tight outfits and took of in his beloved spaceship.
He did come back… Actually, he crashed the spaceship in our garden 5 minutes after taking off… Took us four more days to get the ship ready once again.
Communication with the pod has been impossible for a while now… Vegeta said he wouldn't be able to send messages because of a "curtain" of "meteorites"…
That was a memorable conversation. Two days after he said he would it would be hard for him to reach communication, we made contact again, and this time… She looked like shit… (and pissed off, obviously)
After a long and not-so-quiet "discussion", he shouted he was soon to land on a planet I can't even pronounce, and that because of its moon's gravity, he wouldn't be able to transmit ANY sort of message… He was making it up, of course… Such a bad liar…
On the other hand, I know he said such an idiocy so that I wouldn't worry… There's no problem with no moon… He's just training like a psycho…
Yessss… I worry about him… Course I do!… He's the father of my child, after all… And yes, I love him.
Ha!… His reaction to Trunks was predictably cold.
But I know he doesn't mind about the baby, even though he acts distant…
He doesn't really CARE about Trunks, but, as with everything regarding Vegeta, I know his son will grow on him… Like a fungus…
Specially regarding the importance of Blood to Saiyans… I should say, to Obsessive Saiyans…
Oh well… Vegeta is not a nice guy… He's not a good man, but… But… All right! He is not a good guy, full stop. I don't know what was I thinking when I fell for him…
Sex… Obviously…
Aarrrhhhggg… I'm dozing off!…
17 January
136 lbs.(possibly got stuck there). Cigarettes: none (had no time). Alcohol units: 1 (w.lunch). Fat units: 11 (dear, oh, dear…)
Early, Early (Oh, so early) morning. CC. Kitchen: Little Trunks decided to wake up early this morning. And (hardly surprising) he decided to wake me up as well… So cute… hummm…
I'm almost absolutely sure he does it on purpose…
Just like Vegeta… He annoys me on purpose… Is it possible to genetically inherit behaviour? Annoying behaviour, that is… It's not like he spent much time with his father to say "he looks after him"… Hummm… Interesting…
Anyway,… Now that I stop to think about it, it's been so strange…
I mean, things between Vegeta and I.
Sometimes I could have sworn Vegeta was playing a farce on me.
Either he was pretending to be nice or he was pretending to be evil…
I've come to the conclusion there are two conflictive Vegetas inside one man…
The cold Saiyan Warrior and the Cold Saiyan Warrior who-is-not-so-bad-after-all.
That wouldn't stand a problem if he was not so smart.
I mean, I could have noticed who he really was immediately, had he not been so smart….
But he IS smart…. Way too smart.
HE can almost read my thought! He can tell when I'm beginning to think well of him and he immediately switches to Saiyan-son-of-a-Bitch mode…
He notices things… It takes him a while to understand them, but once he has, he can be a seriously dangerous man…
I mean… I had never met a man with a brain before!(None compared to mine, anyways)… I never even know those existed!…
After spending most of my life with Goku, I tend to forget men can think… Shit… I should enlarge my social circle…
Late Morning. CC. Kitchen: Damn!... I tried to do that once… It all went to the dogs…
Where was I? Oh, yes… Vegeta contradicts every single piece of information I had under the label "MEN"
He is a man… He's a HELL of a man (Actually, He's HELL… but that's not the point) and he's way too smart for his own good… Add some curiosity to his personality and he would be an unstoppable lethal weapon…
WHAT the FUCK! HE IS ALREADY!
As I was saying, things didn't go much further between us…
We just moved in together into a larger room (Mum's plans)
It wasn't even exciting… I was not like he had tons of boxes to move… As a matter of fact… He had almost nothing…
He just showed up there right after I had finished moving my stuff… and in order to SLEEP…
COME ON! I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO HAVE A ROOM WARMING PARTY!
I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO HAVE ROOM-WARMING SEX!
He just fell asleep, like a log… leaving me and my sexy lingerie right next to him, unnoticed…
Note to self: Don't ever again buy sexy lingerie for a man who's not influenced by it.
And, as my belly grew larger… Vegeta grew increasingly horrified by it…
One day I asked him if he had never seen a pregnant woman before, and he answered he would have never believed that someone could turn so ugly in such a short period of time…
Heavy attack of hormones prevented me from noticing the sarcasm and induced me into a crying-myself-to-sleep state.
He just looked at me and said that I was so unbelievable stupid, he could hardly tell the reason why he was there at all…
Needless to say, he got kicked out of the room…
Next day he shouted he was just teasing me.
Now, I should really talk about those hormones of mine…
I had heard women complaining about them regarding their extreme sensibility during pregnancy…
Well…
I have no complains about my inexcusable hormonal character… It seemed to soften Vegeta a little, and I had some of the best sex of my life!
Hurrah to hormones!
19 January
136 lbs. Cigarettes: 10 (one after the other after being left alone). Alcohol units: 5 (one after the other after being left alone). Fat units: 11 (one after the other after being left alone)
04.00 p.m. CC. Bedroom: Just finished arranging Trunk's outfit for his afternoon out with mi parents.
They love to take Trunks along when they have important appointments, as tea with scientists (a marvellous excuse for elder people to gather round, eat and drink, and if time's enough, to discuss about science).
I have the sneaky feeling Mum introduces Trunks as the child of a long lost married daughter.
Not that she feels ashamed of my marital status (such as… NONE!) But she has invented her own happy world in which Vegeta is a proud father and I am a dedicated mother.
In fact, I AM a dedicated mother, but I hate to see trunks being treated as an idiot.
He's a child, not stupid. Just a Child.
The general conception of children remains a mystery to many. They feel babies are little idiots with no brains.
The point is children have much further developed brain, since it's untouched by social environment and its restrictions.
Treating children like normal people is, in my opinion, far better for them.
Dad talks to Trunks in several languages (some are entirely made-up, I'm certain) and explains to his little grandchild the complete theory that has put this and that toy into action…
Either Dad is THAT smart to understand such things are incredibly beneficial to Trunks, or he's way too distracted to realise whom he is actually talking to…. It's either geniality or stupidity… Two fantastic and apparently ant agonic words that seem to match my Dad to perfection…
Mum is entirely different… She just treats Trunks like an idiot… But then… She treats every single alive being like an idiot… And then again… No surprises, since she is really… Oh, well… I shouldn't be mean…
20 January
136 lbs. Cigarettes: 5 normal, 6 with menthol. Alcohol units: 2. Fat units: 6 (replaced food with cigarettes)
Tried to establish contact with Vegeta but connection was not working… I wouldn't be surprised if he has destroyed the satellite dish…
It's an uncomfortable situation not to know what to make of the man one loves…
I mean… Do I still love him? After all these months on my own… Is it impossible for me to conceive the idea of living without Vegeta?
I don't know whether he has changed his mind about us or if he never REALLY thought about us…
I'm aware that Trunks wasn't in his plans… Or me… But… After all… He stayed.
He doesn't give a damn about Trunks, I know, but sometimes it just seems as if… I don't know…
I DON'T KNOW! I HATE NOT KNOWING SOMETHING! I'M NOT GOOD AT BEING IGNORANT! IGNORANCE FEELS DIRTY AND ANNOYING!
I MUST SOLVE THIS…! I MUST!
22 January
136 lbs. Cigarettes: 30 (due to panic attack). Alcohol units: None (hallucinating). Fat Units: 9 (due to panic attack)
Trunks fell off the stairs today…
And he's fine… just a little bump on the head… But the staircase… Oh, that's a different thing altogether…
23 January
136 lbs. Cigarettes: 15 (mostly given by strangers). Alcohol units: 3. Fat units: 15 (horrifying)
10.36 p.m. CC. Bedroom: Had SEVEN guys coming home early this morning to fix the stairs…
I miss Vegeta
25 January
136 lbs. Cigarettes: 5. Alcohol units: 1. Fat units: 120?
Late night. CC. Bedroom: Shit… I miss Vegeta… Do I miss Vegeta or do I miss sex with Vegeta? Good question…
I don't know how to separate Vegeta form sex
I guess I miss both… I haven't seen Vegeta in months…. And I haven't have sex for even longer…
The last month of my pregnancy was, I thing, more difficult for him than for me…
I was tired of being pregnant, I was tired of my belly, of being so fucking weak, and I longed to see my child.
But he was restless… He doesn't enjoy static life... Especially since he had not planned to live a static life, and found it hard to embrace it.
We felt he was doing nothing but sit there… and wait…
He would go on training in a different Gravity Room, but he needed something more extreme. Something that hurt him, so that he could become stronger and stronger.
I almost never spoke to him about becoming a Super Saiyan, I felt it distressed him.
All I would talk about was the arrangements for his journey, which only made him more eager to leave…. But I'd rather see him impatient than disappointed in himself.
The day Trunks was born, he seemed filled with a certain peace, for he would finally leave as soon as possible, having fulfilled his promise.
It took him just 24 hours to tell me he'd leave the following day.
In those 48 hours he spent with his child (and the following 4 days he spent cursing for crashing the pod) he didn't look at him. Not once.
But at one time, he let his guard down.
The morning he vas finally and definitely leaving, I had been up half the night, partly cause of Trunks, partly fixing some wires form the pod's motherboard.
I was nervous because of tiredness.
I finally fell asleep on my bed, Trunks slept in his cradle (alas! At last!) next to our bed (I felt anxious to leave him in his own room).
Vegeta woke me up to say good-bye.
- - Bulma- he whispered to my ear while he patted my shoulder.
I shot awoke.
- - WHA…?
- - SHHHH, you idiot… - he took a finger to his lips.
HE SSSSHHHHHUSHHHED ME! HA! TOUCHED! He didn't want the baby to wake up! Bet he thought I wouldn't notice his intentions… BUT I DID!
Anyway, I managed to get up silently.
He would just look at me as if checking I was alright (AS IF…)
I made sure Trunks was still asleep and followed Vegeta out of the house.
His outfit was brand new (or at least brand-newly repaired since I didn't have time to reproduce the original fabric, as he had asked me)
He just looked at me, side-smiled and got inside the ship very ceremoniously (as he had done 4 days earlier and crashed it seconds later)
After such a dramatic boarding I expected him to take-off just as dramatically and disappear into the dawning day.
He didn't.
The ship stumbled a couple of times, producing infernal noises, crashed into several trees and finally smoked out of sight.
I just got back to bed and slept till midday.
27 January
136 lbs. Cigarettes: 14. Alcohol units: 6. Fat units: 9. Attempts to contact Vegeta: 205. Bad words used: 1,639.
02.30 p.m. CC. Kitchen: It's official. Vegeta destroyed the satellite dish on the ship to prevent further communication…. Guess the next months are critical to him.
Took sometime to think about him…
Do I love Vegeta?
Not really…
Deep inside me I know there are still certain warm and affectionate feelings for him.
But, love? It should be an intoxicated feeling… It should deprive me of my sleeping and eating… It should prevent me from breathing!…
To be in love with someone must mean that the absence of that significant other equals death!
And… I'm alive… And not feeling extremely lonely… I miss him, for sure… I grew accustomed to him and his movements and noises…
But it's not like I can't live without him…
Or maybe… Maybe Vegeta took all my love with him when he left in that blasted spaceship, 8 months ago…
And… If I get him back now and loose him when the androids come… What will happen then?
AAAAhhh… too much thinking about that… I really should quiet trying to analyse my feelings for Vegeta.
HATE my feelings… they are just leading me to my own emotional doom and to he path of ignorance and self-disgust…
29 January
136 lbs. Cigarettes: lost track… Alcohol units: 9. Fat units: 16 (8 burned-off by running). Kilometres run around the backyard: 10. Attempts to commit patricide: 63.
LATE LATE LATE LATE LATE LATE LATE LATE NIGHT… LATE FUCKING NIGHT.CC. BEEEDD!
Just put hyper-kinetic Trunks to sleep.
AAAAHHHHHHH…
Dad could be just sooooo much less than a good baby-sitter.
The ASS gave MY CHILD a WHOLE BOTTLE of COFFEE, mistaking it with….Well… I'm at a loss at what he could mistake coffee with when it comes to something you can actually feed to a baby…
TERRIBLY exhausted from chasing after my baby around the lawn.
Note to self: Think of a plan to perfect-murder dad…
30 January
136 lbs. Cigarettes: 36. Alcohol units: 25. Fat units: quite a few. Panic attacks: 6. Pieces of clothing bought: 27.
Panic…
Absolute Panic…
Today's the BIG Capsule Corporation party (a sorta thing that actually works as a New Years Celebration, inviting people form all around, to which I haven't attended in like six years)
I have several problems with this…
I- I can't fit into any of my fancy dresses…
II- Trunks doesn't have anything decent to wear on such occasion
III- Must go get some clothes for both of us…
IV- Can't control Trunks around large amounts of people, plus he hates shopping.
V- I Can't escape
VI- I really must go to that party
VI- Trunks has to come along, since my father specially requested it…
VII- I HATE THE WORLD.
31 January
136 lbs. Cigarettes: 25. Alcohol units: 6 (toasting w. self). Fat units: Who cares?. Toasts: 15 (more or less)
Oh, Success!
Total and utter success!
Trunks behaved just perfectly! At some point I wondered whether my child had been kidnapped and replaced with a clone.
He fell asleep right after midnight, and after smiling beautifully to every single woman who would coo to him.
I was in heaven.
But my Mum was unusually silent. Wonder what was wrong with her… I was more cheerful than she was, which is just plain odd.
I talked to every investors, smiled boastfully and sucked up to everyone… I was PERFECT! What a comeback!
On the other hand, my parents looked distant to each other…
I wonder… I mean… Never in my life… Oh, well… I don't think they are falling apart… maybe just a crisis…
They have never had marital problems…A match made in heaven! … Mum is pretty clueless… And Dad doesn't really pay much attention to anything that happens around him…
Nah… I think Dad is pretty clueless too…
Oh, well… I should go check on Trunks…
Ha! It was pretty funny to go to a party carrying in my arms a child that nobody know existed…
I aroused some wild rumours…
In-vitro conception seemed the right answer…
HA! Vegeta's just sperm!
Ugh… Not funny… That's uncomfortably close to the truth…
Nah… That was the best "in-vitro" conception of my life!…
Author's NOTES! (or Monologues, by MisaKats)
I really hope you read this… Most people just skip my notes… Wonder why…
It took me blood, sweat, tears and lots of pink ink to write this chapter (don't ask me why my manuscript was written in pink… I've been cursing unstoppably since I started typing since it really hurts my eyes )
This chapter is mostly and explanation of what has happened since the first diary ended, and the reason it took me so much is (among other activities) I had to outline absolutely the whole story (something I never do) cause I had to tell what happened the year before and I have to squeeze the arrival of those damn androids in the middle…
On the other hand, I'm still writing my Harry Potter fanfic, which, honestly, takes up much of my time. University is definitely a matter of importance in the delay… I really really really have to dedicate more time to studying or I'll be receiving my diploma when I turn fifty.
It's incredibly hard to recover the rhythm of writing in English (my reading aloud has gotten better, though…) And it's very hard to get into character with Bulma… No joke. I take my writings very seriously, no matter how trivial they seem.
Second Chapter is written. Needs LOTS of work and editing, but it's still there.
I promise to thank absolutely every one of my reviewers in fore coming chapters (I had already taken down some thank-you notes, but lost the sheet of paper they were written on).
By the way, I didn't find the movie of Bridget Jones, The Edge of Reason very inspiring… I do love the characters (can Cleaver look any better? Can Darcy look any more stiff?), but I think Bridget has lost all of her charms… I mean, she was witty and funny, ridiculous in her own way, and that director has turned her into a big fat blob of GAGS that really make her stupid. I watched the edited scenes in the DVD and there she was! Good Old Bridget, edited by a Director! A female director, which makes it more unbelievable!… I did laugh and enjoyed certain parts (the skiing part undoubtedly brought back memories of my skiing season, where I'm sure I established a world unrecorded record, deciding to jump for my life before falling right off a cliff…) but I think the essence of Bridget was lost somewhere inside the making… So sad, so sad… That's my opinion. If you loved it just as much as the first Bridget, then I envy you…
You may find the rhythm in the story a little different from before, that will happen until I get the feeling back :D
Oh… I've been reading sooo much manga my brains are going dry…
Well…
Before leaving you all, let me tell you I have my own Space in where I have uploaded some rough sketches from Bulma Briefs.
The address is (if freaking edit thingy allows me to write it) http/spaces. can't see this address, just go to my profile page by clicking on my penname above, once in the profile page, click on HOMEPAGE and you'll be sent there :D
Hope you have enjoyed this comeback :D
Thanks for reading!
THANKS FOR THE PATIENCE!
THANKS!
Best wishes
MisaKats
P.S. I skipped a proofread. If there is something terribly wrong, just let me know