Title: 482 Lessons in Child Care
Author name: triola
Category: Romance
Sub Category: Humour
Rating: T for now
Summary: What would happen if Draco Malfoy found a baby outside his front door, and the only one he could turn to was Harry Potter?
DISCLAIMER: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Author notes: Ok, this is just a little story that I've been writing to amuse myself… Helle forced me to put it up, blame her if it isn't any good!
Warning: !Slash! This story involves slash and masses of OOC-ness… and a baby…
XoXoX Draco's POV XoXoX
It was a beautiful Saturday morning at the Malfoy Manor. The sky was blue and cloudless, and the sun was shining bright. Outside the air was pleasantly warm, and the flowers glowed brilliantly in the warmth from the sun. The birds were singing happily and somewhere not far away you could hear the silent laughter of a bubbling brook. All was right in the world. Suddenly the peaceful setting was broken by a beam of green light, and one of the birds fell to the ground.
"Ha! I got one! Birdies of doom, fear your superior!" Draco Malfoy smirked to no one in particular, then lay back down and snuggled into his pillow. It really was way too early to wake up. Bloody birds. But it was too late now. He never managed to go back to sleep when already awake. It was the curse of the Malfoy family. Well, maybe not, but it sounded nice, didn't it? The curse of the Malfoy family. Draco got to his feet and hummed the most sinister tune he could find (couldn't be caught humming something happy, now could he?) and walked over to the bathroom.
He looked at him self in the full length, golden framed mirror he had acquired only weeks ago, and did a little dance. "Looking good, Malfoy" the mirror all but purred, and Draco cocked an eyebrow. "I always look good, luv" he stated then went over to take a long, warm shower.
An hour, and countless loudly sung choruses later, Draco emerged in a cloud of vapour. He snatched a towel (a green one of course) to cover up his more private parts, then called for his walking wardrobe. "What does the master wish to wear today?" asked the wardrobe after somehow managing to wriggle itself through the bathroom door. Draco bit his lip thoughtfully, and looked over at the mirror. "What do you think?" he asked, and you could see the mirror was thinking hard.
"Well," he said (yes, the mirror of Draco Malfoy was a male) considerately. "If I were you, I'd go for the black trousers you bought last week. They really don't leave much to the imagination, but, as I always say, if you've got it, show it! As for the rest… I'd take the black shirt your mother gave you. It brings out the silvery colour of your hair."
"Hm, I don't know" said Draco stroking his chin. "I never liked that shirt, it itches, what about the black t-shirt?"
"Which black t-shirt?" answered the mirror. "The one your mother got you, the one you bought last week, the other one you bought last week, the third one you bought last week, the one you bought last week with the green sleeves, one of the fifty ones you acquired last year, the other one your mother bought you, the one you bought two weeks ago, the other one you bought two weeks ago, the one you got for free when you bought the two other ones two weeks ago, the one your great aunt Clara got you for Christmas last year –"
"Merlin, no! Anything but! No, I mean the black one with the silver snake on."
"Oh yes! I'd forgotten that one! A very good choice, you look smashingly hot in it."
"The black one it is then" Draco smirked and turned to the wardrobe. "Did you get that?"
"Yes, master" answered the wardrobe and sent out the requested clothes. Draco quickly put them on and surveyed himself in the mirror, who whistled loudly. "You're on fire, babe" he murmured, and Draco smirked contently. Then he proceeded to the most important task of the day: getting the hair just right. After two hours of struggling with various unfriendly hair products, Draco was finally on his way down to eat breakfast, looking every bit the gorgeous heir of a dark pureblood family.
Just as he was about to enter the dining room, his mother came running giggling down the stairs with his halfway undressed father only meters behind. They both stopped when they saw him, and blushed furiously. "Oh, hello Draco dearest" said Narcissa and fumbled to close the buttons of her blouse. "Your father and I was just, eh… packing! Yes, yes, we were packing to the trip. And then I couldn't find my, eh…" she looked desperately at Lucius who started imitating someone putting on makeup. "Oh! Yes! I couldn't find my makeup, and then your father, he, um, he volunteered to help me look! And that was why we were running, because, well, we have so little time and we have to find that makeup." She took a deep breath, and grinned at Lucius, obviously very content with herself for that explanation. Draco only rolled his eyes, his parents were so naïve sometimes. He was seventeen for crying out loud! It wasn't as if he didn't know what the two of them were up to. And as for their explanation, he was very well aware of the fact that his mother never used Muggle makeup, but rather glamour charms.
Lucius saw the unbelieving look on Draco's face and decided it was time to disappear. "I'll, eh, go up and pack the rest" he mumbled, then bolted back up the stairs.
Draco turned to his mother. "So when are the two of you leaving?"
"Oh, let me see, very soon I think." His mother looked absentmindedly at her thousand galleons, emerald decorated watch. "But are you sure you'll manage a month alone? I mean mummy can stay home if her little Drakkiekins wants it."
Draco winced at the name, but hid it and shook his head. "I'll be fine mother. I'm not a baby anymore."
"Of course you aren't" answered his mother and patted his shoulder. "But just to be sure, I've talked to Hetty and she and the other house-elves will take care of everything. I've even arranged for one of them to come and tuck you in at night."
Draco clenched his fists and closed his eyes. Breath in, breath out, one, two, three. They'll be gone in half an hour, and you'll have the house to yourself. He opened his eyes and smiled at his mother. "Thank you" he said trying to make it sound sweetly, but failing entirely. His mother however, was too occupied with looking at nothing in particular to notice.
A sudden noise brought their attention to a swearing Lucius, elevating two very unwilling trunks down the stairs. "Ah, there's your father" said Narcissa, stating the obvious. "I guess we'll be leaving then, bye bye Draco love." She leaned up and kissed his cheek, then both she and Lucius disapparated with their trunks.
Finally! Draco thought and went back to whistling that sinister tune. Just as he turned to walk into the dining room, the doorbell rang and Draco swore loudly. Who dared to interrupt his peace? He yelled at an innocent house-elf and told her to bring whoever was there up to him. After a couple of minutes the house-elf popped back carrying a big basket. What's that? Wondered Draco thoughtfully. Maybe a gift from a fan. He smirked, but as he grabbed the basket he was suddenly surrounded by a golden light, and he felt a tingle go through him from the tip of his fingers. He almost dropped the basket in surprise, but managed to grab hold of it again just as the light faded. What the hell was that? Draco thought panicky. I hope for the sake of this basket that it isn't cursed, because if it is I'm going to bitch slap it all the way to Mexico! He sat the basket down on the table and picked up the scroll attached to it. When he opened it he saw that it was a letter, so he started reading.
Dear Narcissa,
I am afraid you don't know me, but I assure you, I don't mean any harm. I once heard that after your first son, you were incapable of having another, even though you very much wanted one. Well, I am fully capable of having a baby, but I don't want one, so I thought we could help each other out. I'm sending you my baby, and it is yours too keep. I hope you will raise it well and turn it into a true Malfoy.
Draco raised both eyebrows in surprise. There was a baby in the basket? Well, He didn't know anything about babies, He'd have to send it back.
But if you don't want the baby, I'm afraid you'll have to keep it anyway. I put a spell on the basket so that when you touch it, you'll instantly be bonded to the baby and it will be yours. So if you have touched the basket, I only have one thing to say, congratulations you're a mother!
Shit! Draco looked at the basket, then at the letter, then back at the basket. He had touched it, and now he was a mother. Eh, or a father. Or something. Shit, shit, shit… But maybe, if he could find the real mother, she could reverse the spell…
And don't you dare even think about finding me and making me reverse the spell. I assure you, I have made my precautions and you will never be able to find me. I have even changed my name, and I'm moving to Canada to start a new life.
Draco's eyes were now wide as saucers. Why me? He though glumly.
Why you, you might be asking, and the answer is simple. Even though I don't want the baby, I want the best for it. And the Malfoys are the best. And capable of giving it the best upbringing. But now I think I've written enough, I have to get going on my way to Canada. Enjoy parenthood dear friend, tata!
Yours sincerely, Unknown (Ha! You didn't actually think I'd sign the letter, did you?)
Draco slumped down in the nearest chair and stared emptily at the wall. A baby. Someone had sent him a ruddy baby! Or, technically someone had sent his mother a ruddy baby, but who cares, he was the one stuck with it! But maybe it was a joke. Just a terrible, sinister joke, and the basket was really empty. He looked over at it with new hope, and while his mind repeated 'just a joke' over and over again, he walked over and opened it. And as grey eyes met blue, Draco Malfoy fainted dead away.
Please tell me what you think! Want me to continue?