How to Lose Your Mind in Five Easy Steps

AKA: How to tame your soul mate in three weeks

Disclaimer: I own this like I'm president of the United States. …I'm not? Well there you go.

Author: Dimitri Aidan

Fandom: Yugioh, no duh.

Rating: Lets just leave it at it's not for kiddies! If you shouldn't be legally reading this then here's an idea, don't! I know, shocking…

Pairings: Mainly: Seto/Jou, Yami/Yugi, Marik/Malik, and Bakura/Ryou. Some YM/B, M/R, YM/B/M/R, YY/B/M, Y/J, S/Y, YY/J. With implied Mai/Anzu and Otogi/Honda.

Warnings: Use of Sex Toys, Masturbation, Voyeurism, BDSM, D/s themes, Bondage, Threesomes, Foursomes, Fetish, Cross dressing, Anal, Oral, Rim, Non-Con that Borders on Rape, Some Squick, but never without a warning. I'm nice like that. Craziness. Kinkiness.

Genre: Dark/Humor/Angst/Romance

Summery: Some sinister force has caused the Yamis and Seto to lose it. Jou and the Hikaris suffer for it, forced to do whatever the other four want. When it's all said and done is love, and forgiveness, possible?

Notes: This is like…the polar opposite of "Milk and White Chocolate". Just you're friendly neighborhood author being a total perv. But hey, better on paper than for real, right? I mean, for the sake of my boyfriend's sanity…poor guy.

This is not a nice story, if you don't like not nice things don't read it. This is where all my bad thoughts go to be born.

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Chapter One

Kidnappings

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Jou was watching the clock with a single-minded focus that most people wouldn't have expected of someone of his…alleged intelligence. Of course most people thought he was an idiot so their opinions of his intelligence couldn't be taken too seriously.

2:24

Because Jou wasn't stupid or dense or any of those other things his teachers snickered about behind their hands. He was simply…excitable. And maybe his attention span wasn't all that impressive, but who wanted to pay attention to boring things that they already knew? Could he really be blamed for not paying attention to things like Quadratic Equations, when he'd caught on to how to do them the second day of class, which everyone else needed weeks?

It wasn't truly his fault.

2:24.

But he wouldn't have to worry about that for three whole glorious weeks. Spring vacation started the moment the clock clicked over to 2:26 and he was running like hell the moment it did. He had plans with his boyfriend and he wasn't letting anything ruin this rare time they had together. Seto had promised to take the three weeks off and take Jou to his cabin.

2:24

He wasn't the only one to luck out though. Otogi was planning to take Honda on a road trip in America, Mai was taking Anzu to Paris, Bakura and Ryou were taking a trip to England, Marik and Malik were going to Egypt, and Grandpa Mouto was going to be suspiciously absent leaving Yami and Yugi to their own devices. Solomon had been winking while he made his little announcement, causing Yugi and Yami to both blush a very vibrant red.

The clock slid to 2: 25, shivered, and then slid back to the number before it. He swore under his breath, drawing a look from Seto who sat in the seat next to him. He smiled at the brunette winningly and was rewarded with that slow but smoldering knee melting, heart stopping, brain killing smirk of his. True to form Jou forgot what in the hell he'd been thinking about before.

Then the clock clicked and he glanced up.

2:25. Finally.

"Class is nearly over. I'll be passing back your vacation homework packets, which will be worth a quarter of your grade-" The class groaned on cue. Even Ryou (the second best student in the class next to Jou's living breathing computer) twitched. For a moment his green eyes were a burning red and Jou began to fear for the teacher's life.

Then Yami reached over and, with an eerie sort of calm, smacked Ryou-turned-Bakura on the back of the head. Yugi squeaked in fear. Bakura turned to regard the former-pharaoh, lips curled back in a sneer, before snorting.

A moment later Ryou was back and looking a little bewildered.

Jou took his packet and glared at it hatefully for a moment. Then blinked as it was plucked from his hands and shoved into Seto's suitcase. He arched an eyebrow at his boyfriend and only got another smirk in return. It wasn't that same as before but nonetheless Jou's heart fluttered. He'd never admit it out loud of course, but he had it very very bad.

"We'll take care of this…later." If Jou thought he'd heard Seto be suggestive before he know knew he hadn't, because nothing he'd ever said compared to that tone of voice. He could almost see the sex dripping from his voice and forming a thick puddle on the floor.

What kind of puddle he thought it best to not think about. Impending holiday or not, he didn't want to get wood in class. Unless maybe Seto was the teacher.

He knew he had to be beet red as an image on Seto in one of his expensive suits, holding a ruler and smirking at him in that way flitted through his mind. This was quickly occupied by an image of himself bent over a desk.

He clammed his head on the desktop.

So much for no wood in class.

The bell rang, loud and shrill. There was a scramble for the door and Jou was pretty sure he saw a girl get trampled and moved along with the stampeding crowd of students. He winced in sympathy for her then turned to see Seto standing next to his desk, usual stoic expression in place. If not for the warmth in his eyes Jou would have seen the cold heartless CEO everyone outside of their little group saw.

A hand reached out and ruffled his hair.

"Ready to go Pup?"

"Just gotta get my bag from home." He said while standing up and moving into Seto's touch. He loved Seto's fingers…or, more to the point, loved Seto's fingers on him.

Seto's eyebrow arched. "Bag?"

"You know, clothes and stuff."

The other eyebrow went up as the hand moved down to the back of his neck. Jou squirmed a little bit. "Clothes? You honestly thought I was going to let you wear any clothes on this little trip? Really?"

"Uhh…" Jou wasn't sure if he was excited or totally and completely horrified that Seto had just said that in front of all of their friends and their math teacher. The woman, Sensei Minerva, just shook her head and continued to gather up her things.

She was used to the antics of the little group and had learned to think nothing of them.

"More information than I, personally, needed." Anzu muttered. Everyone was silent, shocked at her words. Was Anzu sick or something? Then she flashed them all a lecherous grin. "Without pictures to go with it. That's just teasing Seto-kun." She waggled a finger disapprovingly.

Everyone sweatdropped.

Yep. She was sick, but only in her usual perverse fan girl sort of way. If Jou hadn't been used to it by now he would have found her unbelievably scary…yet informative. Any sex questions he had were directed at her.

The only payment she asked for was to witness a little groping and Jou was usually more than happy to oblige her. An excuse to make out with Seto? That was just making it too damn easy.

Seto wound an arm around his shoulder before winking at the girl. "We'll think about."

She squealed happily, eyes going wide and starry. "You guys are so good to me! This is better than Manga any day. …Well, except that stuff on the Internet about you guys but that's not the point. It's not very accurate, you know? Otogi-kun is always on the bottom and we all know he would never-"

"What?" Otogi joined the conversation, Honda at his heels. She was silent for a moment then flashed them all a wide (evil) smile.

"Nothing. Bye boys. Mai's going to take me home so I can finish getting ready." She winked at them. "If all goes well maybe I won't have to wear clothes either."

And with that she was running for the door to await her girlfriend. Yugi called after her.

"Don't forget to take pictures Anzu-chan!"

There was a long pause then she poked her head into the room, blinking almost innocently. "Why Yugi…I never thought you'd be the type for lesbian porn."

Yugi let out a strangled noise while turning the color of a viciously overripe tomato. She laughed again before leaving. This time she really was gone and, once Yugi was breathing again, they headed outside. Bakura split off from Ryou once they were in the hallway and glowered at Yami.

"You should have let me send that woman to the Shadow Realm. How dare she try to ruin my hikari's holiday with work? I have plans and I don't want anything-"

Ryou blushed. "It's okay Kura-kun, I'll be done before its even time to leave for the plane."

Bakura blinked down at him. "I had something planned."

"Already?" Ryou whispered as the blush traveled all the way to the roots of his hair. "Before we even leave?"

"Absolutely." Bakura leaned down and nipped at his light's ear. "I have plans for the moment we leave the school grounds."

"Oh."

Malik laughed and shoved his best friend lightly. "You have no idea what you've gotten yourself into do you?"

Marik smirked and reached over to smack his light's ass. Malik yelped and jumped away, eyes wide. "Do you?"

"Weirdo's." Honda muttered. Otogi just shook his head and dug into his pockets for his car keys. "You drove? What about my bike?"

"In the back of the car." Otogi's said with a grin. "Along with your bags. I wanna get this show on the road as soon as possible. We'll see you guys in three weeks."

Goodbyes were said quickly and, as soon as they stepped out of the school and into the fresh air, Otogi was dragging his boyfriend to the parking lot. A matter of moments later the cherry red convertible was tearing down the street and around the corner.

"Someone was eager." Seto said mildly then tilted his head to the side. "Pup why don't you take the limo to my place. We-" At this he gestured to each of the yamis. "Have something to discuss."

Yami nodded, frowning a bit. "Yes we do. Why don't the four of you go ahead? If your driver doesn't mind dropping them all off."

"Not a problem." As they spoke they headed to the curb, where the limo was waiting, motor humming softly. Bakura scowled.

"I don't want to! I have-"

"Shut up Tomb Robber." Yami snapped. Bakura looked sullen but did as ordered.

"But Yami-"

Yami smiled gently and pressed a light kiss to Yugi's cheek. "Go along Hikari. I'll be without before you know it, promise."

"Fine." The violet-eyed teen looked a little sullen but followed his friends into the limo. Yami shut the door after them and through the tinted windows he could see the taller teen smiling and waving.

The limo pulled away from the curve.

"I wonder what they have to talk about." Malik said while sitting back in his seat. The limo was, in true Kaiba fashion, top of the line. Enough room to fit fourteen people comfortably (as they'd done that before) a small refrigerator under each seat, black leather interior, and soundproof glass between them and the driver. A small fan was whirring and its noise was soothing, though a little bit out place. Jou didn't recall ever hearing it before but let the thought drop aside. Instead he smirked at the darkly tinted glass that hid the driver away.

Jou had found it to be very…convenient at certain points in time when he and Seto had problems waiting until they got to a bed.

"As long as no one ends up dead we shouldn't worry. Not that anyone but Seto can really die." Ryou said the last part almost musingly. He pointedly ignored the look Jou was sending his way. Mostly because he didn't want to ruin the effect by laughing.

"That's not funny…Ryou…hey." Yugi frowned before yawning. "Does anyone else feel…kind of…sleepy?"

"Not really." Jou blinked at his friend. "Why don't you take at nap? It'll be a few minutes before we get to the Game Shop and I'm sure Yami doesn't want you tired."

Yugi blushed then nodded and put his head on Jou's shoulder. "Okay." He was out almost the moment the word left his lips.

Ryou smiled at him before a confused expression settled over his face. His eyes darted around for a moment, almost wildly and pushed himself up as if he meant to leave his seat.

He slumped over and tumbled to the floor much to Malik and Jou's alarm. However Jou too was beginning to feel groggy by now. His eyelids felt heavy, as if they were made out of lead, and his whole body was kind of tingly. Malik was blinking fiercely though he too looked a moment away from faintly.

As Joy sank into the chair he couldn't help but think about the soft noise of the fan.

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"Did it work?"

"Of course it worked Pharaoh. Don't be foolish."

"How would you know Priest? Unless you can suddenly sense Jou's thoughts."

"Of course not. But Jou and Malik are roughly the same size and since Keeper says Malik is out, Jou must be too. Perfectly logical."

His lips curled into a sneer. "No matter what era it is, you always insist on being an asshole don't you?"

"Of course. We like seeing you get upset."

"Have I mentioned how creepy it is that you call yourself 'we'?"

"Sorry Pharaoh, but not all of us are the same as we were in Egypt." The brunette scowled at his shorted friend. "With my memories back I am a 'we'. Not that you should worry about me being creepy with those two psychos around."

"You say 'psycho' like it's a bad thing." A pause and then a grin. "Or like you're some kind of pillar of mental stability. Need I point out that you just kidnapped your precious little light?"

"It is Thief King." He sighed and fingered the pyramid hanging from his neck. "And it isn't I who needs reminding, thank you. It is our lights, and Jou, who need to be reminded of who the masters are here. Disobedience can't be tolerated from them. It means they don't respect us."

"First intelligent thing you've said all day."

"Thank you Priest."

The brunette bowed mockingly. Before the pharaoh could give a properly scathing remark a man driving a blue corvette stopped in front of them. He hopped out, smoothing down his shirt nervously, and held the driver's side door open. The priest smirked at him then nodded at his companions. They got into the car, the tri-haired man in the front with the brunette while the two blonds hopped into the back. The man jumped away from the car, slamming the door shut as it tore off, tires squealing.

The silver haired teen laughed darkly. "You fucking crazy priest!"

The brunette actually smiled back at him before laughing. "I try Thief, I try."

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He heard the shout of the albino in the back on the wind. "You fucking crazy priest!" It sounded less annoyed and more approving than one would have expected with those words. A low laugh floated back as well.

And then they were gone.

The man shrugged and plodded towards the alley where his car was hidden. He wasn't sure what was going on exactly beyond that fact that the staff from Kaiba's house in the mountains had been dismissed for the break, with double their usual pay, that he himself had driven three very expensive cars up the house, along with part of Kaiba's motorcycle collection, and that the four men he'd just seen off had been working all week to get something ready inside.

Well that and that the limo driver had been paid to gas Kaiba's sweet little boyfriend with the promise of a seventy-five percent pay increase and a paid three week vacation as long as he didn't ask questions.

And, since he'd been given the same promise, he honestly didn't even want to know that much about what going on. He slid behind the wheel of his newly bought car and headed towards home. He couldn't wait to tell his wife about the raise.

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Random Note: I would have written more (honest) but I had to stop to consider the POV of things… oh well, another chapter soon, promise.