"Waiting For the Thaw"

by darthelwig

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I do not own Saiyuki.

SLASH WARNING.

Rated T.

Goku would wait forever for Sanzo to save him.

Inspired by the Def Leppard song "Breathe a Sigh".

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Goku sighed and stared at the face that lay before him, at once so tantalizingly close and yet so removed and distant. Sanzo was sleeping, finally giving in to his body's urgent cries for rest. This journey had been hard on them all so far, but none more so than Sanzo. The man was tough as nails, but the endless road they traveled had left even the strong-willed monk in desperate need of a break.

Sanzo's delicate features were unusually relaxed, even for sleep. Goku supposed it was because his lover was too tired to settle into that half-awake state he usually slept in. Being in strange places day after day was taxing to a man for whom paranoia was a way of life.

Goku's golden eyes trailed over the monk's soft lips and slender neck. He ached to taste Sanzo again, to wake him with sweet kisses and watch his violet eyes darken with desire, but he suppressed the urge to do so. Touching Sanzo was a sure way to wake him, and he needed his rest more than sex right now.

A surge of love and protectiveness swept through Goku, bringing with it the sting of emotions held too closely in check. He pressed his face against his pillow as hot, sudden tears threatened to fall. He hated this about himself- this weakness inside that made the tears come so easily. He tried to be strong. He tried, but sometimes the tears came anyway. He was just thankful Sanzo wasn't awake to see him break down like this, for these emotions were something he would never share with anyone, especially not his lover.

How could he tell Sanzo how much his coldness was hurting him? How could he say those words to the person who had given him the opportunity to be happy in the first place?

It wasn't Sanzo's fault that he had trouble finding his smile these days. Goku had known from the beginning that Sanzo would probably forever be incapable of showing him any of the emotions he had buried so deep inside, hidden behind doors too solid to break down. Goku hadn't cared about that then, so what gave him the right to whine and complain about it now?

No, he would never hurt Sanzo in that way. It would be like throwing the gift of Goku's freedom, his life, right back in his lover's face. Sanzo had told him before that he would never be able to return Goku's affections like the young man would want him to. He'd been very clear on that point, but Goku had been so wrapped up in his love that the warning hadn't mattered. He had been so stupid to think he could live without tenderness, without warmth. He was such a fool.

He knew now. His heart wanted more than Sanzo was willing, or able, to give.

Yet, he couldn't bring himself to break off their secret relationship. He'd tried, once. The effort had been too much, and he'd been unable to say the words. Sanzo had just stood there- waiting, expecting Goku to say it. His eyes had held no anger, no hurt… only a weary resignation and calm acceptance of the end.

And that had been Goku's undoing. If he said those words, Sanzo would accept it. There would be no sense of betrayal, no rage. Sanzo would face the consequences of his choices as he always had- without regrets.

But Goku knew in that moment, in a moment of blinding clarity, that Sanzo would be lonely. It was a hurt he wasn't sure his lover even recognized as his own, but Goku had seen it… had seen what leaving would mean to the one he loved. He would become one more person Sanzo had failed, who was inescapably gone.

Then Goku had looked at Sanzo with new eyes and seen the truth. The man who stood before him, so seemingly uncaring and arrogant, was a hollow shell of what he'd once been… a product of too long a life alone and empty.

So Goku had been unable to say it… and Sanzo had accepted that too.

And now Goku was busy trying to make himself happy living half a life. He lived, he grew and he changed… while deep inside his heart he hid a secret.

The Goku he had once been, so truly carefree and trusting, he had confined to yet another cage, covering his absence with a mask of easygoing frivolousness. Not even Sanzo had been able to see through his disguise yet, and he intended to keep it that way. His true self would remain there, safe from the slow creep of bitterness that was infecting the rest of him, until the day he could release it. Until the day Sanzo came for him once again and set him free.

The Goku who remained could be patient. He had all the time in the world to wait for the frozen snow of Sanzo's heart to melt.

He was waiting for the thaw.