Avians and Stinging Insects
Acepilot
AN - No.21 in the Road series. Very, very silly. Almost too silly. Could have been a lot better, but I hope you enjoy it anyway.
Disclaimer - Phil, Dil, Kimmi, Tommy and Lil are property of Klasky-Csupo, but Amanda is all mine! Ha-ha-ha-ha...yeah, well, you get the idea.
"I need your advice."
In retrospect, it was a mistake to even answer him.
I exchange a quick glace with Tommy and shrug. "Either or?"
"Both of you," he tells us, pulling up a seat.
I exchange a bit more detailed, slightly concerned glance with Tommy and quirk an eyebrow. "What about?"
He sighs. "Girls."
In retrospect, it was a mistake to even come to the house that afternoon.
"Uh..." his brother searches for the words, "what aspect of girls in particular?"
"Well...uh...you know..."
"Sex?" I ask.
Fearfully.
"Yeah," he admits, hanging his head. "It's just that...Amanda and I are getting pretty serious, you know, and I really...well, I really want to know what I'm about in that department, so...you're married, and you're engaged, and your both close enough to my age, and I just want to know the basics."
"Mom and Dad never gave you the birds and the bees talk?" Tommy asks, almost disbelievingly.
"No. Mom said Dad was going to do it, and Dad said Mom was going to do it."
Oh boy. We're in for it now.
While I think that the boy should probably have gotten these pointers from Stu a long time ago, the devotion he's shown to his love for Amanda is admirable. But now it's left to me and Tommy to lecture an eighteen year old virgin on the facts of life.
When I woke up this morning, this wasn't exactly on my to-do list.
"So..."
So.
Tommy and I have a brief, silent but deadly serious argument over who gets first shot. I glare at him, getting across the message that because he's his brother, he should have to go first, but he points out with a bent eyebrow that I'm his best friend and that doing this between siblings is just gross.
I cave at this point, because my face is starting to cramp up.
"Well...Dil..." I search for the appropriate words and it slowly dawns on me that they may not exist. "It's like a..."
Metaphors are wonderful things. Hose and garden? No. Too cliched. Car and garage? Ew. No.
"It's like...well, you know, when you're building a house, you have to take time..."
Tommy gives me a look that implies something of a "where-the-hell-are-you-going-with-this" kind of sentiment and I have to concur. Where the hell am I going with this? I think it made sense in my head but now that I'm hearing myself talk about houses I'm wondering why this ever sounded like a good idea.
"What Phil's trying to say," Tommy rescues me at last, "is that being with a girl...deciding to be with a girl for the first time...is like..."
He looks at me pleadingly for help and I shrug my shoulders helplessly.
"Well, it's like juggling cacti," I finally throw in.
Tommy almost actually audibly says, "what?"
"It's not something you want to rush into," I finish, belatedly.
"I've been able to juggle cacti since I was nine," Dil reminds me. Why am I not surprised?
"What Phil means is, it's something that you have to be totally prepared for," Tommy picks up, undeterred. "You don't want anything to go wrong when you juggle cacti. Or else it could all end up going very badly."
"You could get jabbed," I offer, and kick myself at my poor choice of words.
"He means pricked," Tommy corrects me and then actually does slap himself on the forehead.
"Look, it's all very unpleasant, and..." And finally I just give up. "Look, use a condom, make sure she's on the pill, and then it's pretty simple after that. Look it up in a book or something."
I wait five seconds, enduring Tommy's stare of disbelief.
And then Dil starts laughing.
It's kind of a vague giggle at first. But then it explodes into a rambunctious holler, and in no time at all he's rolling around on the floor with tears rolling down his face. He's clutching at his stomach desperately trying to catch his breath.
I wait impatiently as he claws himself into a sitting position before collapsing again. Finally, he manages to speak.
"Dad gave me the birds and the bees talk years ago. I just wanted to see what you'd come up with," he chokes out. "House...cacti...pricked! This was brilliant. Thanks guys, I needed that."
And he kind of staggers to the door, still clutching his stomach in fits of laughter.
I turn to Tommy. "So, I say, 'Let's go to the Java Lava and hang out with Chuckie.' But no, you had to come home to check your mail."
possibly the most silly, non-sensical fic I've ever written. I basically started with the ending. it's not great - actually, it's pretty crap by my standards - but i hope you enjoyed it. "on average" was similar but better.