Point of View

By: Emmithar

Rating: K+

Summary: Greg's thoughts as he balances between life and death after something goes horribly wrong at a routine crime scene. POV

A/N: This is my first story done in first person, so it is not my best writing style. It is a bit odd, but read all the way through, and yeah…review on your way out.

I'm not sure how it all happened. That is how I would answer if you asked me. But if you asked me when it started, I would be able to tell you. Being here, I have been given nothing but time to think it over. If you had asked me sooner, than I would have said it all started when we walked into that house. Yet I realize that it started sooner than that, much sooner. If anything, it all started after the lab explosion.

Yes, I know that sounds ridiculous, and perhaps in some sense it is. To blame one accident for another, when they have no relevance to each other. The chaos theory; I've heard Grissom talk about it before, a few years back now. But would it really count in this matter? After all, the explosion in the lab is the reasoning for my actions, but it is not responsible for the effects of here and now.

Though I never would admit it to anyone, the explosion in the DNA lab terrified me, plain and simple. I never was the same person after that, even though I tried to be. And for a while, it worked. Then after Grissom found out by chance, I really didn't care anymore. My mood changed, became more settle. In some sense, you can say I grew up, that I finally became one with the world of adults. It was a slow and settle change, but it was still there. Surprisingly no one mentioned anything about it.

Being in the hospital for those two weeks had given me a lot of time to think. To really think over my life, to try and find out where I was going. I loved science; that much was obvious. I had been into science since I was little, and I knew that I would always be. And yet, my current job then didn't seem to satisfy my need to learn.

I had been thinking for a while about moving out into the field, but I never really brought the idea up until later. I was mostly afraid that I would be mocked, laughed at, ridiculed even. Las Vegas already had the best of the best criminalists, why then, would they want another, who in fact would only be a wannabe? They had more important things to do with their time than baby-sit a lab tech who wanted to get out into the field.

But the lab explosion changed all of that. After Grissom found out how much it had affected me, he told me that if I need to talk, he would be around. That meant more than I could actually explain in words. After a long mental dispute, with none other than myself, I finally took up on Grissom's offer. Although it was for a different reason entirely.

I wasn't able to handle the lab anymore. Every day was a struggle to make my way into the lab. Every night I would wake up, or in my case, every day I would wake up from the nightmares that plagued my dreams. Everything seemed so real that sometimes when I awoke, I expected to find myself in the hospital. After a while I knew that something had to be done about it. It had been nearly a week since Grissom had last talked to me. He had been in and out of work due to his sudden surgery. By the time he returned full time, I had made up my mind.

I had waited until the end of shift to see him; he was working away steadily in his office, catching up on all the paperwork he had missed during his absence. Knocking on his door, I waited for him to acknowledge me before coming in. It was an odd gesture for me, I knew. Normally I would invite myself in, but now I had taken on a very different attitude.

I had always liked Grissom's office. It was comforting, in a bizarre sort of way. There were so many things to look at, so many things to see. The room itself stood apart on its own, and yet modeled the Grissom we all knew so well. I was hesitant to speak up at first, but quickly overcame the feeling.

I had explained to him that I wanted to move out into the field, and asked how possible that was. Grissom had stopped filling out the paperwork then, glancing up at me as he placed his pen down. Taking off his glasses he watched me closely.

Moving out in the field means a pay cut, he reminded me. It means longer hours, more dedication and it is a more stressing job.

I nodded, confirming that I knew all that already. That I was willing to take the challenge on. I explained to him that I was looking forward to a change, that DNA was no longer enough of a challenge for me. He nodded at my explanation, although his gaze told me he knew there was something else to it.

From there he went on to explain all the aspects of the job. I would have to be able to work both on the field, and in the lab. I had to be present for various autopsies, and needed to be ready at a moments notice, whether it be at three in the afternoon, or at three in the morning. I sat there and listened to him ramble on, already knowing full well of my decision.

When he had finally finished everything, I told him that I was still interested. Seemingly satisfied he nodded, pointing over his shoulder to his filing cabinets, letting me know there was an application for the job inside. I could only smile, due the simple fact that all of this was possible. It was actually possible. What he said next however, dashed my hopes.

As I pulled the application free of the file he turned around in his chair to face me. The only downfall was that there wasn't a position available. He must have seen the disappointment in my face, because he held his hand up then, motioning for me to be silent as he continued on.

He said that it was actually a good thing. How exactly, I wasn't sure. How could not having an open position be a good thing? But his explanation cleared things up quickly. I would be able to get a head start on things. As soon as I turned in my finished application, I would be able to start helping on cases every so often.

He let me know in advanced that most of it would be little stuff, the stuff no one else wanted to do. At that point, I didn't really care, but as time passed I wished I had said at least something. As I left his office, he gave me a small reminder to have it in by Friday. I turned it in the next day.

After that my nightmares diminished. They were still present from time to time, but for the most part I slept soundly, relaxed by the simple encouraging thought. Things started to look up back at work once again as well. Instead of the laughter and mockery I had expected from the others, I received small encouragements from them. It made things go much easier.

As expected, Hodges was the only one who really thought my idea laughable. But only for a short time when he found that no one else shared his thoughts. I think he was jealous, for some part, that he had not come up with the idea himself.

As Grissom had promised, I worked on and off several different cases. The one I remember most distinctively is the one I worked with Catherine, on the young model that had disappeared. Thinking about it now, I would have more in likely told Catherine no in the first place, when she asked me if I wanted to work the case.

I hadn't known at that time that both Nick and Sara had fought for that case for themselves. And it took me even longer to realize how big of a case it was. Not only was Catherine watching my every move like a hawk, but I noticed that others were too. Grissom was keeping an eye on my progress, as well as Nick and Sara, although all three avoided me as much as possible.

It wasn't really all that fair, on my part. Catherine had asked if I had wanted to work the case, not if I wanted to be dragged in to a bitter fight between her and Nick and Sara. After all, they were my friends; I at least had the right to know they would be sour at me if I did help.

I was the most uncomfortable during that time. Catherine was wonderful instructor, but she was the only one I had to confide in during that time. Grissom, as well as the others kept their distance, while I heard the rumors float around that scoffed at the idea of trainee working on a career case. I said nothing to Catherine about it, I trusted her enough that if anything did happen, she would cover for me. As I said before, if I had known how big it was going to be, then I would have said no.

I can still remember that night, coming into work and finding the memo in my locker. The CSI field promotion had been disregarded, and in its place, was an opening for a new field agent. I honestly didn't know what to say. I was beyond being thrilled, but at the same time my thoughts drifted to Nick and Sara. Both had worked incredible hard for the promotion, and I had supported both of them, all the while secretly hoping that Sara would get it, and yet somehow knowing that Nick would be the victor in the end.

This sudden change in decision was overwhelming, if in the least bit. All I could think of at that moment was of Nick and Sara. Would they be angry with me now? With all the work they had put in now gone to nothing, and here I was, still learning the tricks of the trade and I was well on my way to my own promotion.

Feeling sick and thrilled all at the same time I put the memo back in my locker, and got busy with work. It was, however, a nice gesture for the both of them to stop in separately and congratulate me on the opening. I smiled in return, and nodded at their good lucks, even though I could tell that both were still upset about losing the promotion.

And so I became a field agent. I began working fully with Grissom, and I found myself tense once again. Grissom was very keen on noticing things. I felt as though every mistake I made stood out like black bold letters against white paper. I started making stupid mistakes, mistakes I normally wouldn't make, when working under him.

Still, I passed my proficiency test. How exactly, I wasn't sure. But with everyone there, patting me on the back, and giving me high fives I knew then that I had. And I had never felt more giddy than at that moment. I was like a little kid, lost in a candy store. Then, after all of that, I started working more with Sara, rather than Grissom.

It was a pleasant change. I had always been able to get along with Sara well enough. I felt as though a barrier had been uplifted, allowing me more freedom to roam about. And with each passing case I obtained more and more knowledge of the job itself. I was glad of the chance I had taken, and there were times I wondered how I used to be able to stand working in the tiny DNA lab all night, every night, and sometimes during the day.

This particular shift though, shortly after arriving, is what stands out more than the rest. After dropping off my stuff in my locker, I met Sara in the hallway, and we were working our way to the garage when Grissom met us halfway there. We had been working the last week now on a double homicide, and after several days of dead ends, we had gotten in a call of an abandoned car that matched our victims. With a lead after all this time, both of us were anxious to start processing it. What we didn't expect was Grissom's orders then.

It was outrages, to be honest. Grissom handed us a new file folder, informing us we had a new case. Looking over Sara's shoulder I braced myself for the explosion that would come from Sara, and I wasn't disappointed.

"A Breaking and Entering?" Sara asked sharply, looking up at him. I said nothing, hanging back, my hands resting in my pockets as Sara's rants continued. "You're pulling us off a double homicide to check out a B&E?"

"Greg needs the experience," Grissom pointed out, looking up at me. I only shrugged him off, looking back down to the folder. I agreed with Sara, but I wasn't about to argue with my boss.

"Then have him go," Sara argued, "We just got a new lead."

It was ridiculous. I was only level one CSI, whereas Nick and Sara were level three, and still Grissom was reluctant about letting them pull a solo. Even if it was only a B&E, I was still only a level one.

"I'm having Sofia take over," Grissom told her, already knowing she didn't like that idea.

I had expected Sara to argue longer. I had expected her to point out to Grissom that this was our case, that I could get the experience later. So I was astonished when Sara gave in.

"Get your case," she told me quietly, already heading the opposite direction. I followed with sigh, exchanging a brief look with Grissom.

So now you can see that it all started after the lab explosion. If the lab hadn't exploded, I wouldn't have moved out into the field, and we wouldn't be in this mess. What mess, you ask? Well, I'm getting there, it isn't pretty, and I'm not going anywhere soon, so just let me tell the story right the first time. I may not get a second chance.

TBC