Day: 06, Month: 08, Year: 25371 I am unsure where to begin this Journal. I have never before kept a personal record. But it's something I feel I have to do, for my situation is entirely unique. I suppose I should start at the beginning. My name is Jedi Master Shmi Skywalker, I am pregnant. For starters, Jedi do not have children as attachment is forbidden. However, the circumstances of my pregnancy are anything but usual. You see, there is no father. By now, any person would look at me strangely and not believe my words, but it is true.
Though I have no intention of making this journal public record, I feel I need to explain myself. The events that lead to this discovery began when I was on a mission to the planet of Delg's'm with my young Padawan, Kyra Berit-Shahd. Kyra is my first apprentice, and in our two years together, we have grown into a close team. It was a simple mission - to negotiate between the two races of the planet, with a dispute over commerce and land-use. This was not anything new. Unfortunately the Kopsi and the Hodos have been at loggerheads for generations. While in the planet's Head Meeting Hall, I was overcome with dizzying faintness. And as I at up, trying to compose myself, a great wave of nausea hit me, and I was forced to immediately toward the 'fresher. Naturally, Kyra was most concerned for her usually healthy master, but once I relieved my stomach of my breakfast I thought I had a control of my physical functions, as I reached out to the force. Since I seemed to have recovered sufficiently, I decided to re-enter the meeting and continue our 'discussion' (a term I use lightly). After three standard days of the occasional nausea attack, with no reasonable explanation, we brought the mission to a swift an end as possible, and returned to Coruscant.
By this stage I was slightly concerned, as nobody else seemed to be suffering from the same symptoms, so I paid a call on a Healer, Jedi Master Shula Sinni. Shula is a great friend of mine, and if she is available, she is my first choice. Of course, I trust all the other healers implicitly, but my complaint seemed unexplainable, so I wanted it kept private. I could have gone to a medcentre to be examined by medical droids, but I prefer the personal contact. Once we had been through our customary pleasantries, I sat down, and Shula placed her hands on my shoulders, and opened her mind to the Force, while I tried to relax and let her do her job. After a few moments, she gave me a strange look. I must admit, my heart missed a beat or two. But I soon reigned in my fears, and used the force to try and regain my usual equilibrium as I braced myself for her diagnosis.
"Shmi", she eventually spoke, "Is there something you want to talk about. I'm here for you. I know it must be hard, but you are not alone."
"What in the galaxy are you talking about?" I asked her, confused. She almost sounded like she thought I must have done something not exactly becoming of a Jedi, though her tone was gentle, "I am slightly in the dark here… what do you mean?"
"Shmi," Shula said incredulously, "I don't know how the Council is going to take this, but you're six standard weeks pregnant."
I sat there stunned. I was unable to form any words. Pregnant? How was that possible? I had not broken the Code!
Shula sat down next to me, and put an arm around me, "You have a good record, I'm sure we can work out something for you." Her tone sounded slightly desperate.
We must have sat there for an hour, as I processed my thoughts over this impossible event. Despite how it must have looked to her, Shula was wonderfully supportive.
Still dazed, I eventually decided to confer with Master Yoda. If this was true, he had to know, and I had to have some answers.
Shula walked with me to his private quarters, but I insisted I would be fine to speak to him alone. I had nothing to hide.
Fortunately, Master Yoda was not teaching at that time, and had just finished some meditation when I asked to speak to him over the comm. outside his quarters.
"Enter, please, Master Skywalker. Talk together, we shall."
I breathed deeply, and entered. Master Yoda, as usual, sat in his miniature chair, looking up at me.
"With me, something to discuss you have?" He asked, as I sat down on a regular-sized chair, which was at a slight angle to his own."
I swallowed, "Yes, Master Yoda. Something has happened which I cannot explain, but it is something you must know." And with that I poured out the events that had just passed. Though I had few details to actually give, I assured him I had done nothing to break the code.
He listened carefully. I think it must have helped that I am a respected Master. Had it been someone such as Kyra or someone else her age, I am uncertain whether or not he would have taken it so calmly. Though he would have to meditate to decide for himself the true nature of events and what the Force was guiding him to do.
When I had run out of words to say, he meditated upon what I had told him. "Something mysterious, this is. Something shrouded. A fulfilment of a prophecy, I believe it may be. Believe you, I do. But consult with the Council, I must." With those few mysterious words, he dismissed me, and I walked back to my own quarters.
Thankfully, Kyra was not there. Though she had been concerned, she had a lightsabre training session with another Padawan, Arrell Zandu, which had been set-up as soon as we had arrived back at the temple. The two are good friends, and they work well together. In fact, the girls are distantly related - strength in the Force runs in families, as it did in theirs.
I was glad of the time alone, I had some contemplating to do. The shocking news was starting to sink in by that stage. I was going to have a child! A child! It is not something a Jedi dreams of. From the beginning of our training, we know that it is a lifetime commitment, and a hard life. But it is what we must do, and we stick to it. That is how it has been for all these thousands of years. It is not questioned, for it can be no other way. The more I thought about the child rowing inside me, the more I was filled with joy, excitement… even love. My eyes filled with happy tears. It was a profound moment. I may not have known where my child had come from, but from that moment, I loved my child desperately, no matter what might come to pass. I placed my hand to my stomach, and allowed myself to feel that tiny babe's life-force flow through me. The child would certainly be strong with the force - that much I could tell.
I laid down, more tired than I had realised. I don't know how long I had been asleep when I was awoken by Kyra entering the room. I sat up in bed, and began to think of the implications for her. I hope this will not affect Kyra too much. Our relationship must remain strong if I am to train the girl. If I'm allowed to train the girl.
She smiled at me, obviously in a good mood after her duelling with Arrell. "How are you feeling, Master?"
I smiled back at her, "Not too bad for the moment, thank-you."
My comm. chose that moment to beep. It was Master Yoda. The Council was ready to speak to me. "Alright, my Padawan, I must go and speak to the Council. Please read from this data-chip, until I return. Then I want a full report of both your conclusions as well as of your sabre practice with Padawan Zandu."
She bowed her head dutifully, "Yes, Master."
Then I left for the Council Chambers. The walk there felt like an eternity. Yoda's support was a great relief to me, but it was still uncertain what the Council would choose to do. I entered the circular room, and bowed my head, waiting to hear their decision. Not surprisingly, Master Yoda was the first to speak, "Master Shmi, discussed and meditated on your news we have. Though most unexpected, believe you we do."
Master Ki-Adi-Mundi then spoke, "We are not entirely certain, but we believe this may be the chosen one of who was prophesied will bring balance to the Force."
Master Yoda spoke again, "When born, your child is, tested they will be. If strong enough, trained they will be. If happen, this does, separated from your child, you will be. As according to the Code, this is."
I tried to quell my sadness. Deep down I knew that. All Jedi initiates are taken away from their families while still very young, so they will not form strong attachments outside the Order. I myself was separated from my parents… if Jedi had not been there at my birth because of a mission, they never would have found me, and I would likely have ended up in slavery, or worse…
I bowed my head again, "I accept your decision, Masters. And I thank you for your belief in me."
Master Yoda spoke again, "Hard for you, this will be. But will of the Force, this is."
"Yes, Master." I replied.
Master Neenah Hirdox then spoke in her soft voice, "We wish this to be kept quiet. Time will tell if this is true, everybody knowing this would e a great burden for the child. Besides, nothing is yet certain, though evidence supports this conclusion. There will be questions raised, but all will have to be satisfied with our decision of letting you remain in the Jedi Order."
"Yes, Masters." I again replied, and I was then dismissed.
So that is why I am sitting here writing a Journal for the first time. Though there are many around me I am close to, I am not to confide in anyone other than who the Council allows. So within this record, I can express myself. With this road ahead, I feel it would be unwise to not deal with this. Though Jedi are to control negative emotions, it's not an easy road, the Force is leading me down. But I know one thing - it is the will of the Force,
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Day: 09, Month: 08, Year: 25371 "With your position will come different responsibilities. At least, for the time-being." Master Hirdox's words have been running through my head, after my private audience with her. This of course means, I am currently ineligible for missions away from Coruscant. Which is why I am currently sitting in the Senate Chambers, with one very bored teenage Padawan. Kyra is usually a very patient young woman, especially for one her age… but everyone has their limits, even Jedi Padawans. 'Senate Duty' gives us a chance for some political study, and a purpose to serve while Coruscant-bound. Senate Duty is no great effort, except for being attentive for large periods of time, and occasionally restraining oneself from hitting senator's heads together. Basically, it is a job that dates from the earliest days of the Republic, when there was much unrest. It was mainly a measure to keep peace, but these days, it is mostly a method but which we monitor and observe what is happening in the Republic we serve.
Fortunately, we have company. Master Qui-Gon Jinn, and his apprentice, Obi-Wan Kenobi. Master Qui-Gon is a loyal friend, as trustworthy as the Coruscant-day is long, even if he is a little… eccentric. But that does not matter, he has been friend for many years, and he is a good and compassionate Jedi, and he has not stood in judgement of me, even though he does not know all of the facts. Right now he is looking sternly at Obi-Wan, who looks as interested in the Senate proceedings as Kyra. I look over to see what is the matter. It appears Obi-Wan was surreptitiously passing Kyra a note on a data pad. I'd better help deal with this…
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Hmm, it was a good thing that after that incident, there was a short recess. I cannot say I was exactly innocent when it came to lack-of-attentiveness. It is not something I make a habit of, but I have a lot of my mind while sitting here observing. Of course, I have not yet managed to get to the point of why I am writing, so if I am not being attentive, I should at least finish what I have begun so that I will be able to pay attention. That would of course be my pregnancy. Unofficially, the word of it is spreading, though the Council have not given an official announcement. When they do it will probably be something confirming yet vague. I do not think that are still quite sure how to deal with the situation, though they seem to be very busy with their personal mediations currently.
As for Kyra, I have, somewhat embarrassedly informed her of my news. I do not think the poor girl knew how to respond at first. But just as she has been trained, she reached out to the Force and sought wisdom. Soon enough, the wide-eyed child was supportive, and clucking like a mother hen over her Master. I think she took the news rather well, although the questions are written across her face. I have not been able to tell her much, just enough to assure her that her Master has not strayed from the Code, or taken a leave of her senses.
Naturally, my child himself/herself(?) has been somewhat on my mind. I know they will never be mine to raise, but he/she is intrinsically a part of me. I do not know how I manage when he (I do not know, but I cannot called them 'it') is ripped from me. All I can imagine is that I will spend much time in meditation, and trust that the ways of the Force are best. If I was chosen to carry this special child, the Force must have good reason.
Now, I think that perhaps I had better continue my 'watch', I'm the one who is supposed to be a Jedi Master, here!
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Day: 16, Month: 08, Year: 25371 All I can say at the moment is - now that I know what is the matter with me, meditation very helpful in dealing with morning sickness! Actually, to be honest, the term 'morning' sickness is misleading. Because of my health, the Jedi Council has decided to step in for the next few months, that Kyra will not miss out on her training. Master Windu, and Master Drallig will supervise her lightsabre training over the next few months, while Master Qui-Gon will oversee any other areas of physical fitness and give help wherever any is needed. This is of great help to me - I doubt that with a growing stomach I could keep up with an active young Padawan. Besides, no-one wishes to put the baby at risk. This time of training with be very good experience for Kyra - these Masters are two of the best when it concerns lightsabre duelling. With that load off of me for the next few months, I will be able to see to the educational needs of Kyra, and her growth in the Force while caring for the child I carry.
I spent the morning in meditation with Kyra, teaching her of submission and of giving completely of self. Now that Kyra is currently training with Master Windu, I am planning for this afternoon's lecture in the wisdom of the Force (something I need to remember at the moment - hormones tend to twist ones thinking. A weakness I must mediate on to overcome). But while I have this quiet time, I decided to write of my thankfulness of the Jedi Council, and reaffirming my trust in the Force, no matter how insanely cracked it may seem at the moment.
As of writing this journal entry, I am seven standard weeks pregnant. I finally went for a medical exam yesterday, and as Shula had informed me, despite the mysterious origins, everything is progressing normally. I decided not to have the sex of the child revealed to me, though the pregnancy is far along enough to tell. It seems slightly pointless, considering it will not be me who raises the child, but still I am the mother, so I would like that to be a surprise. The medical droid projected a hologram showing me the size the baby would be. I cannot believe there is something that small growing inside me!
I know it must seem that from this journal that this baby is currently my sole focus. I am uncertain whether it is I true or not, I must meditate on this. If so, it is being unfair to Kyra. I do not think I am, despite what I am writing, Kyra is my charge, and I am determined to make a Jedi of her. I suppose writing this journal must clear my head so I am able to do this effectively. I am constantly questioning myself of late. Shula tells me not to worry, as pregnant women are known for losing their emotional balance.
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Day: 30, Month: 08, Year: 25371 I have not had a moment to write this journal for two standard weeks now. Between training Kyra, attending private audiences with Master Yoda and the Council, my responsibilities for Senate Duty, filling-in teaching groups of younglings, and preparing my written statement of my condition life has been busy indeed. Shula has ordered me to rest, and I feel she is right. Though it is apparently normal, I keep finding myself to be very over-emotional. I have spent the morning in private meditation, while Kyra is away on a training exercise. It always feels strange without Kyra there. Such training exercises are not frequent, but it teaches Padawans independence, initiative, survival skills, and personal reliance on the Force. She will return in two standard weeks. However, the chance to relax, and let myself enter the flow of the Force calmed my soul. Pregnancy is a strange thing - it certainly keeps one off-balance and makes one not themselves. And that is with the Force as an ally! I simply cannot imagine how I could remain calm and centred without it. From what I have been able to ascertain, it is acceptable to behave in such a way, but it would be unbecoming of a Jedi. No matter.
After my morning of meditation, I decided I should continue this journal. I spent part of the time contemplating my child and their purpose. I believe I received visions of a possible future, and they were… disturbing. I realise the future is not set in durocrete, but if it is something the Force chose to share with me, then I should not ignore it. To be honest, I do not understand the entire meaning, but I shall attempt to describe them. I had a feeling of great uncertainty, and of great foreboding, possibly great power. It was unsettling. Then I saw images of battle, and of lightsabre duelling. Then I saw a great dawn rising. I feel the last part was symbolic, but it not solely for me to interpret. It was so intense… I almost cried. Whatever the future holds, it is clear these events will be of impact. However, I must talk of these things to Master Yoda.
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Master Yoda was most interested in what I had said, though cautiously so. In his wisdom, he advised me that the future is uncertain, and there are to be great changes, and possibly hard times ahead. However, even he cannot speculate of the full nature of these changes.
Master Yoda's concluding comment was, "Hmm, tell us, time will. Affect us all, your youngling shall".
From my conclusions I have come to the understanding that we cannot affect fate, only watch as it passes us by. We are responsible only for ourselves, we cannot be responsible for the actions of others. We all have choices to make, and paths to take. So we shall wait and see. We must all have patience. After this, I feel exhausted both physically and emotionally, perhaps I should meditate again to regain my centre, then have an afternoon siesta. I am certain that Shula would wholeheartedly agree.
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Day: 3, Month: 09, Year: 25371 I have been reading through my journal entries (an emotional experience indeed, one that meditation can only help so much) and I cannot believe that I have neglected to write about my curious cravings. Along with my morning sickness and emotionalism, I have an appetite for the most extraordinary dishes. Why last week, I found myself eating a large bowlful of Reethan berr-bean soup. Most humans would not touch it - it is a mix of some very curious flavours that would leave many rushing for the 'fresher. I do believe Kyra thought her Master had once again taken a leave of her senses. I could only reassure her that this craving would pass.
However, the strangest craving was two or three weeks ago. In the middle of the night, I awoke with a craving for a mixture of chirquoi cake, pickled frewt, with alegander sauce. The cafeteria is usually fairly empty at that time of night, though I did receive one or two curious stares. However, Jedi are taught not to be judgemental, so no questions were asked, and their attention shifted elsewhere. Most who where there were tired, anyway, as they had returned from missions or had been doing some sort of night service.
I have taken to eating at times when there are less around, as I find that my cravings are either off-putting or very strange for others. It does seem a little ridiculous though, when you consider how many species of people exist within the Order, all with very different tastes. Fortunately, my current favourite, bilijin and asmot stew with releppo jam and fried cochun pieces is not too much for others to tolerate.
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Day: 15, Month: 09, Year: 25371 It seems that this journal will have to be periodic. Near two standard weeks have passed by, I am now twelve standard weeks pregnant, and Kyra returned from her Training Mission four standard days ago. She appears to have grown in the Force so much in that space of time. Training Missions are truly beneficial, even if they do split Padawans from their masters, which is surely the reason for why they are not a regular occurrence. The way of the Jedi Order is that of mentorship between Master and Padawan. It has been that way for countless generations.
As for the progression of my pregnancy, I do believe there are some physical changes in myself. I have put on some weight - the medical droids inform me that this is entirely normal even though I am not yet showing a great deal. It is hard to tell, though my Jedi robes are tighter than they were a few weeks ago. I shall put in an order for some larger ones.
Qui-Gon is as helpful as ever. He and Shula keep a close eye on me, at least while he is on Coruscant. I am honoured to have two such friends. It is comforting to know that I have people concerned for myself and my child.
Hmm, there I go again. I never know whether to say the child, or my child. 'The' child sounds rather disconnected (and this child is of my flesh, whether or not I raise them). 'My' child sounds possessive… for an ordinary mother I am certain this would not be a problem, however, the child never will be 'mine' - that is not the way the Order works. I understand this, but I still feel a sense of sadness. And I find myself asking questions such as 'why I am to carry a child that I will not raise?'. It seems somewhat pointless, though I know there must be some purpose. Or maybe that is just my hormones talking. However I cannot ignore these questions, I must deal with them face on and come to some conclusions… even if I do not yet see a purpose, I must trust there is one. I must not give in to pain or the like. It will take me down the path of suffering.
This is a time of testing for me. I must be willing to follow the way of the Force, and trust that there is sense in this confusion.
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