Initiating protocol sequence 5314. File name: Protect Master at All Costs. Author: Assassination droid HK-47. Launch directives: system check complete, functionality 100. Activate patrol mode.
Target: Work area/garage. Scan and report. Results: No explosives, no organics. Threat assessment zero percent.
Target: Engine room. Scan and report. Results: No explosives, no organics. Threat assessment zero percent.
Target: Common area. Scan and report. Results: No explosives, two organics detected. Analysis: Twi'lek female. Pattern recognition: affirmative. Meatbag designation: Mission Vao. Primary function: companion to the Master. Threat assessment zero percent. Analysis: Wookiee male. Pattern recognition: affirmative. Meatbag designation: Zaalbar. Primary function: consumption of organic material. Threat assessment zero percent. Observation: organics are preoccupied with the meatbag diversionknown asPazaak.
"Back again, HK?" Mission asked without looking up from her cards.
Activate vocabulator. "Answer: I am patrolling for security threats and, dare I hope, victims."
Zaalbar bellowed as Mission giggled, placing a blue plus 2 card down for a perfect score. "You do realize we are in the middle of a hyperspace route," she said collecting the cards and shuffling the main deck.
Activate vocabulator. "Firm statement: One can never be too complacent where Master's safety is concerned."
"Riiiight….so, it's every hour on the hour, no matter what, eh?" Mission said dismissively as she began a new game.
Activate vocabulator. "Statement: Of course, I would not want to miss any opportunity for unrestrained violence."
"Whatever…just let us know if you find anything," Mission sighed.
Observation: Twi'lek appears to be dealing from the bottom of the deck; Wookiee is holding extra cards. Scan and record.
Target: Cargohold. Scan and report. Results: Explosives present. Status: inactive, contained. Location: storage cylinders. No organics detected. Threat assessment zero percent.
Target: Medbay. Scan and report. Results: No explosives, no organics. Threat assessment zero percent.
Target: Bunkroom. Scan and report. Results: Explosives present. Status: inactive, contained. Location: Master's footlocker. Observation: Oh, Master, it does my capacitors good to know you have such lethal devices nearby. Three organics detected. Analysis: Cathar female. Pattern recognition: affirmative. Meatbag designation: Juhani. Primary function: Jedi. Threat assessment zero percent. Analysis: Human female. Pattern recognition: affirmative. Meatbag designation: Master. Primary function: being Master. Threat assessment zero percent.. Analysis: Human female. Pattern recognition: affirmative. Meatbag designation: Bastila Shan. Primary function: Jedi. Secondary function: pontification. Threat assessment zero percent.. Observation: organics are unconscious. Status: sleeping. Observation: Cathar is producing a low sonic vibration. Scan and record. Observation: Human Jedi is emitting an abrasive nasal resonance, which curiously is profoundly irritating, even more so than her voice. Scan and record. Observation: Oh, Master, you even sleep perfectly.
Target: Cockpit. Scan and report. Results: No explosives, one organic detected. Analysis: Human male. Pattern recognition: affirmative. Meatbag designation: Carth Onasi. Primary function: whiny meatbag pilot. Secondary function: favored plaything of the Master. Threat assessment zero percent.. Subroutine 8922 detected; file name: Zip It Lippy. Author: Master. Launch directives: playback instructions. Recording as follows:
"HK?"
"Acknowledgement: Yes, Master, may I kill something for you now?"
"Not now, maybe later…if you do something first."
"Jubilant anticipation: Anything, Master! I exist only to serve you!"
"Good. Listen carefully: Stop calling Carth my favored plaything."
"Confused response: Master?"
"You heard me…don't play dumb."
"Bewildered declaration: But Master, you told me not to refer to that whiny meatbag pilot as your gratification device… Is this not an improvement?"
"HK-47! You will NOT say anything along those lines, ever!"
"Appeasement: Yes, Master, if you insist. Query: How should I refer to the meatbag?"
"How about his name?"
"Statement: I call 'em like I see 'em."
"Fine, okay, from now on, don't say anything to Carth unless you are spoken to. If there is danger, you may alert him, otherwise, zip it lippy!"
End playback.
Carth heard HK's mechanical footsteps clanking behind him. He slowly turned around and regarded the droid with mute disdain. Recalling Revan's newest orders, he smirked silently. With slow deliberation and purpose, he moved his arm away from the flight console and back towards the driod.
Observation: Meatbag pilot has displayed what is commonly recognized as a rude hand gesture. Scan and record.
Target: Navigation control room. Scan and report. Results: No explosives, no organics. Astromech droid present. Designation: T3-M4. Status: off line, diagnostic mode. Threat assessment zero percent..
Target: Bunkroom. Scan and report. Results: Explosives present. Status: inactive, contained. Location: Mandalorian's footlocker; Mandalorian's bunk; Mandalorian's pack. One organic detected. Analysis: Human male. Pattern recognition: affirmative. Meatbag designation: Jolee Bindo. Primary function: Jedi. Secondary function: cryptic windbag. Threat assessment zero percent.. Observation: organic is unconscious. Status: sleeping. Observation: Human male Jedi is producing a rasping, grating nasal emission similar to that of the human female Jedi. Theory: One must possess this ability in order to be a Jedi. Reminder: Ask Master for clarification. Scan and record.
Target: Refresher unit. Scan and report. Results: No explosives, one organic detected. Analysis: Mandalorian male. Pattern recognition: affirmative. Meatbag designation: Canderous Ordo. Primary function: Scowling. Threat assessment zero percent.. Subroutine 7734 detected; file name: Shadow Tail. Author: Master. Launch directives: playback instructions. Recording as follows:
"I have an assignment for you HK."
"Ready! Query: Master, what would you have me kill today?"
"No, nothing like that…"
"Hopeful request: Maim, then? Incapacitate?"
"No, just, some, uh, reconnaissance."
"Acknowledgement: Yes Master, where am I to infiltrate?"
"Well, maybe it is more like guard duty…"
"Pleading statement: Please, Master, make up your mind, I wish to obey your command!"
"Well, that's good, HK, I want you to obey this one, I really really do…"
"Statement: Master, you wound me with your implication! I always follow your orders!"
"That is open for debate and interpretation, HK. But you MUST do this, exactly as I say."
"Statement: Yes, Master, of course."
"Okay, now, do not ever say anything to him…"
"Query: Who, Master?"
"Canderous. Now listen… he, uh, he doesn't…"
"Concerned observation: Master, your pulse rate is quickened and your face is overheating. Are you malfunctioning in any way?"
"No, just…sheesh! How can I put this? Modesty and Mandalorian don't exactly fit together in the same sentence…"
"Confused statement: Master, you just placed those words in the same sentence…"
"Must you be so frustrating? Okay, here it is: Canderous does not close the 'fresher door when he is in there, and worse yet, he walks around stark naked after his shower until he 'drips dry.' We really don't like that sort of surprise…"
"Query: I believe I understand, Master, do you wish me to terminate the offensive meatbag?"
"No, I want you to watch out for this situation. When it happens, you are to stand guard at the door, then shadow his tail and alert anyone else to the, uh, undesired eyeful."
"Agitated exclamation: Master! I am a highly trained and valuable piece of machinery, crafted by your own skilled hands. To waste my programming and functionality…Oh, Master, please do not humiliate your poor droid…"
"HK, these are my orders, you are to follow them above all else while on this ship."
"Resigned statement: Yes, Master, I am your obedient, but unwilling servant. Observation: Master is a cruel, cruel master."
End playback.
Override protocol sequence 5314; patrol mode deactivated. Initiate protocol 7734. Observation: the shower unit is powered down. Prepare to follow and alert.
Do not scan, do not record.