I'm posting this early because I'm a little depresed right now (about nothing major though, exept that my friends and I didn't get any tickets to next year's soccer worldcup -sigh-) and I'm needing your kind reviews.
- Friday -
Throughout the night we have obviously managed to stick close together because when I wake I find myself lying on the back my right arm spread across the bed. Mac is curled up by my side her head resting on my shoulder so I can feel her breathe against my skin.
I turn my head to look at her. She's looking so much at peace while she's asleep. There is nothing left of Mac the kick-ass-marine. There is only Sarah. Sarah the woman that still is so scared to be hurt again. A smile lies on her lips. She's having sweet dreams I hope. She's looking so beautiful, the early sunlight casting soft shadows on her face.
I can't help trailing the drawn lines with my finger. She stirs from my touch but doesn't wake. I listen to her breath. Right now she's more beautiful then ever before.
I keep looking at her until my neck begins aching from the odd angle I'm holding my head. I wonder how late it is. The alarm hasn't kicked in yet. I move a bit to have a look at the clock.
"0642," Mac says her voice still thick with sleep and the eyes closed.
"Morning sleepyhead." I turn so I'm on my side to face her without causing a stiff neck.
She has opened her eyes now pleasing me with the most wonderful sight.
"Feels good waking up next to you Sailor."
"I could get used to it myself," I smile at her. That's how a perfect day has got to start.
-o-o-o-o-
-o-o-o-o-
Waking up this morning felt easy and light, like when the first sunrays break through the clouds after a rainy day.
Harm and I had breakfast during which we both tried to keep this mood up and where we were back to the somewhat old banter we once had. Afterwards Harm headed home to change and be at the office in time, but not without gathering me in his arms once more.
"You should do it," he whispered in my ear before he kissed my cheek and was out of the door.
This however was the first reminder of what was lying ahead of me this day that is if I choose to go through with it. Because ever since he has wrapped his arms around me last night not one thought has drifted back to my former fiancé, they have been solemnly trusted on Harm, us, the here and now.
So when I, unlike Harm, had another hour to spare before I would have to drive the short way to work I decided to take a run, not the normal length of way but enough to clear my mind.
However, the very moment I see Mic and the Lieutenant who's accompanying him neither the run through the park when I thought I had myself prepared nor the pleasant morning keep me from hesitating in my steps and watch them proceed to the entrance. Though there is something else that is pushing me forward nonetheless, so I follow them and come level with him the second he opens the door for his colleague.
"Morning Lieutenant, Commander," I greet them my eyes always on Mic.
"Morning Ma'am," the Lieutenant answers before she steps through the door and with a "Thanks," lets us standing there.
I wonder if Mic has told her about us or if she could guess from our behavior so she knows she better leaves.
Finally I pass him as well. He hasn't said a word yet. He's probably going to keep that pattern. I figure it's my turn anyway, isn't it. He's been by my place yesterday and I told him there isn't anything we could talk about. So why should he talk?
I start when I hear him close the door. "Mic about last night –" I trail off.
He's not watching me, starring off in the direction of the lift the Lieutenant is about to take.
I ask myself just how close these two are before I realize it's none of my business actually.
"You were right," I continue.
"So?"
We pass a little hallway to our right when suddenly a slightly raised voice cuts our momentary silence. And with the passing seconds the words get louder and the speaking more rushed. Mic and I both let our eyes drift down the hallway only to have them settle on a stunned looking French officer. From the ringing of the words, though I don't understand them, I'm sure he's in some kind of fight. For a moment we remain standing at the intersection silently watching the fellow officer.
When good manners kick back in and we continue our way, we do so in silence. I think it's save to say that we both welcomed this distraction happily and neither is about to take the next step right away. For a short moment while on our way up I let my eyes linger on Mic. He's looking like – like what actually? Relieved, satisfied, assured? I don't know.
-o-o-o-o-
-o-o-o-o-
There she comes. I want to hurry my steps. But that would look suspicious, so I remain walking casually alongside the Lieutenant and keep watching Mac out of the corner of my eyes. I wish I could reach the door, ride up to the second floor and be in the room time before her, as it has been these last two days. We have never yet talked a word in there, always taking the other people's presences for an excuse not to come close. But something, maybe the way she walks or the way her brows seemed to be pulled down and make her look concentrated, tell me she won't hold on to that once we meet at this door.
"Morning Lieutenant, Commander," she greets trying to be civil. Her eyes keep piercing me.
I follow when she walks towards the lifts. I wish I could have gone with Bradshaw, vanished from this, changed places with the Lieutenant.
"You were right."
I wonder what exactly I've been right about. The fact that she should have been with me instead of him. But then again she'd made her point about that last night. Or the fact that we did never end this probably. Only she had obviously. But why would she worry about me then?
"So?"
Suddenly I catch an irritated voice from down the corridor. So it isn't only me to have some issues here.
"Je t'aime. Et tu sais ça. C'est notre problème. Tu –" I hear the French voice continue, rising ever so slightly. It's only women who have this honey sweet tone in their angriest voices and you immediately know you're in great trouble.
And probably just for the benefit of hearing someone else's problems we both linger for a moment watching Capitaine Criminale listen to somebody we can't see.
"You take me for granted. You think that as long as I love you and you keep treating me nice and gentle every now and then I'll stay, be the one giving you a home. Do you know that others keep telling me I'm a fool to keep believing that one day you'll be mine? I always declined that, I trusted that you would finally leave your past behind and be with me, really be with me I mean. But even here, in a totally different country where there is nothing and nobody urging you to keep up your old ways you still do …"
Finally we continue our way though the woman's words keep following us. They sound soft - French words always do to me - even though they are spoken in anger and hold nothing but pain.
"…And for once I understand that this is you, that you'll always be like this and I'm not the one to change you. You will never commit to one woman only, will you? And if so it's not me I guess. You just proved it over and over again. I'm tired of that."
Both Mac and I spent the way up in total silence once the words are shut off by the doors of the lift.
I ponder the words I've just heard. This wasn't so much unlike my – our – situation. Some place in my rational mind, somewhere where my heart had no power, I knew that I had always been second choice and that nothing would have changed about that. Nevertheless, hearing the same experiences from another person and seeing them take a similar step is kind of assuring. Maybe I won't need any closure from Mac after all. Maybe that's been all that I needed, someone to have lived through the same circumstances. Now that same someone telling me I've been right and not just anybody who pitied me or wanted to help. I silently thank the French Lieutenant, for I think it was her opposing the Capitaine, for finally showing me what I've been long searching for.
We've reached our destination and I let Mac enter first and things are back to usual. She walks over to Bud and joins his conversation with the Russians while I cross the room to engage myself in another conversation with whomever else.
-o-o-o-o-
-o-o-o-o-
I'm surprised to see the Colonel enter just seconds before Mic. I don't know whether they met coincidentally or else. But the moment Mac comes striding my way while Brumby takes the opposite direction I know their meeting hasn't been an easy one, intended or not.
"Morning Colonel."
"Morning."
Moments later Mac seems to have forgotten about it and is talking rapidly with Lieutenant Kling. The two women have obviously found a common ground that leaves us two men standing by as accessories. Me the more so as Mac has changed to Russian about five minutes into the conversation.
I let my eyes wander through the room. There is nothing much that would capture my attention. That is until the French Lieutenant enters the room. I can see from my position that she must have been crying. She isn't hiding it well. Another woman that got a backload of problems. Even though I don't know her all that well I've already realized from the few words we exchanged that she is quite a sympathetic person and surely doesn't deserve feeling bad. Just the same as the Colonel. I let my eyes linger on her for a moment longer when she settles down on her chair.
Only seconds later I'm surprised to see Commander Brumby take the seat next to her. I continue watching as he starts talking to her softly. I wonder what he has to do with her. He can't be the one causing her problems as well, can he?
I get the answer to my question as I keep watching on. After just a few words of Mic the woman begins to relax and she even manages a small smile when he takes her hand. When he stands up again to leave her alone I can read a 'Thank you' from her lips.
So my eyes follow the Commander, still wondering what this was all about.
"Go talk to him if you like Bud." Mac must have ended her conversation and followed my line of sight instead.
"I don't want to upset you ma'am," I say a little ashamed of my behavior.
"It's okay." I keep looking at her for I guess it most surely is not.
"It really is." And with a final nod she makes it sound like an order for me to go over there.
I resist the urge to answer "Aye, aye," before I leave. I don't even know what I should talk about with Mic. I never wanted to in the first place. But as Mac seems to be so eager to make sure to show that this isn't getting to her – though I know better – I round the table and join Mic by the window.
-o-o-o-o-
-o-o-o-o-
I sit by his side. Everything is quiet around me. I'm sure AJ will join me any minute now. He has for the last days. I'm still a little surprised that he stayed that long. I never knew dad and him were that close. But I guess I haven't been paying much attention lately, regarding the things my father did. However, through the long times spent in this room we probably talked more personal stuff than we had over the two years we've known each other so far.
So for now I'm sitting here, watching his steady breath and praying things will get back to normal. Praying, I didn't do that for quite long either. But right now it feels like this is everything I can do about the current situation.
"You're still here?" I hear the whispering voice of my father.
"Wouldn't be going nowhere."
"Is everybody else gone?" He lets his eyes wander through the room.
I nod my head. "It's early yet. AJ will be here soon."
He smiles a little before he rests his head back against the pillows.
"You're okay?" He'd been getting better but what if he's having another stroke, I know this can happen.
I feel him reach for my hand and place it into his next to his body. "Just a little tired. You know, I like it when you're around. I haven't been seeing much of you lately."
"You could have called, you needn't have yourself be taken to hospital so I come see you," I joke. Nonetheless I feel a different kind of closeness between us. We've always been close, probably closer than most fathers and sons, but still this feels much more intense. I don't know if this is due to the fact I almost lost him when I wasn't ready to just yet. And having seen my best friend always craving for his father I've realized back then that I've been – dad would say – blessed, I only didn't know how much until two days ago, and I wouldn't have admitted it to any of my friends at the Academy.
Shortly afterwards I hear a knock and we both look up while I call for the person to enter.
"Good morning. How are you feeling?" A doctor and a nurse come walking into the room and stand at the other side of the bed.
"Tired but better."
"That's good news Mister Turner."
I watch as the nurse continues to check vitals and some other things.
"The way things are developing I'd say we might release you as soon as Sunday," the doctor explains to the both of us after the nurse has finished and handed him the file.
"And he will be okay?"
"As far as I can tell; yes. He needs to come back for some therapy though."
"Thank you."
The nurse casts a last reassuring smile at me before she leaves to head out of the room after the doctor.
Only mere seconds later the door opens again after a soft knock.
"Everything okay in here? I saw the doctor come out."
"More than okay I'd say. They are going to release dad by Sunday." I happily tell AJ.
"So you're up to some more talk soon Padre, aren't you?"
"Plan on it Admiral." I can't help but smile on the fact that my father is the only one to call AJ Admiral without being corrected. I feel like this is the first smile since the moment Coates told me about this whole ordeal.
-o-o-o-o-
-o-o-o-o-
"Mic, can we try talking again?"
I nod. I'm probably not the only one to need closure. "Let's take this someplace else." I'm not comfortable with both Bud and Lieutenant Bradshaw near by.
I lead the way into the park. We complete it in silence and settle down on that same bench I've been sitting at this first day she'd come back into my life.
"I've thought we've got nothing to talk about."
"You were right we need to put the past at peace. But I can't do that without at least trying to explain." She keeps staring at the tree line on the other side of the path. "I'm sorry about the way we broke up."
I realize that she isn't sorry about the break up.
"It wasn't about you."
"I know that much. And that has been one of our problems all along, hasn't it? This whole relationship wasn't about you and me. You were never really in love with me, were you?" I ask the question but don't wait for her to answer. I know the answer anyway.
"This was about you and Harm or rather about what he wasn't either willing or able to give. But I've been. Isn't that why you accepted my ring in the first place? Isn't that why you finally switched it onto your right hand when he went to Russia?"
"Mic this isn't –" she has turned her head now trying to decline the obvious.
"I should have known back then. However, I thought I've had a chance. You made me think I did. But I never did, have I? And I finally realized that this last night when you've gone to him."
She's dropping her eyes. I'd like to know whether she's ashamed she's done that or if she's sorry I'm right and I know that I am. I'd like to think the first but couldn't erase the latter off my mind. Guess it doesn't matter now anyway.
"You're right to a point. But this wasn't all about Harm, this was about me. I've simply longed for a family, a safe live and someone I can come home to. And you've been offering all these even though you didn't really know me. And that's probably been our fault. You didn't know what you got yourself into and I thought as long as I cared for you – which I deeply did – it would work out. I truly hoped so."
Her eyes are now searching mine. I can see that for once she's open with me.
"But that night of our rehearsal dinner when Harm crashed and I was about to loose him, the one best friend I have…."
I nod. It seems like I've known forever that I wouldn't ever fill that place in her heart. That he would always be the one she would turn to because he did know all of her. Sides I never had a chance to but which I would have liked to know.
"… That night I understood that I would have married you for all the wrong reasons."
"And you still wanted me not to leave."
"You know why I did. You told me back then already. You've understood me better than I did myself. The only thing I saw was somebody leaving me again and taking all of my dreams with him."
This sentence helps relieve some of the pressure and uneasiness I've been experiencing since that day and which had increased in the past days. Because now I realize, though I've known all the years, that I've done the one right thing. My love would have never been strong enough for the both of us. And hers would have never been enough for both me and her best friend.
"I do understand Sarah and I'm wishing for you that one day you will see all of them come true." I can now say that with a long lost lightness of heart. It had probably been good advice to talk to her, though I could have done without the last night.
"I'm sorry I hurt you Mic. I didn't intend to, you have to believe that."
She's begging me with her eyes to trust her words and I do, for despite the bad moments we've had pretty good times and these had been one of the happiest in my life.
"So you think you can move on now?"
I ponder her question. Can I?
And this very moment I spot the old lady I've been talking to out of the corner of my eye. But when I turn my head she's nowhere to be seen. She would have asked the same.
I'm sure I would have told her the same I'm telling Sarah now.
"I think I can now remember the good times we shared."
"Thank you Mic. Thank you for having shared part of your life with me."
She smiles at me this one smile I've rarely seen when we were together. After that she stands up, heading off further into the park while I remain sitting at the bench. So this has put an end to a long ago story. I'm glad about that.
-o-o-o-o-
-o-o-o-o-
After having finished early today I hoped that once I was out of the building no longer seeing Mic would mean he'd be put back into my past, no longer shading my future. But that has been two hours already and here I am at Dulles International.
Why is it that this little talk we had left me worse than I've been before his reappearance? In all those years I've managed to put all those things that now keep bothering me aside, pretend that they don't matter. Now they've all come floating back on the surface and are that much harder to be forced down once again. I still feel the need to say goodbye. Now I need this clear cut, this final line under my past.
I've made it just in time.
"Mic," I speak up before he crosses the line – actually the check-in counter – that keeps me from moving on.
He turns.
It's like all those years prior, the very same scene. Only this time I know it to be right. To be the right thing for the both of us to do.
"Good Bye."
"Good bye Sarah." With that he turns back around and continues walking while I'm still standing at the barrier my eyes lingering on his back until he vanishes in the crowd.
This time I'm not holding any remorse. I'm simply standing there watching him leave.
I know where I belong now I've finally made my decision. I'm not savoring the past anymore. I've been well as long as it took, I've been hurt afterwards but now isn't the time for tears anymore.
It rains again when I step out of the terminal. But for once I welcome it. For I know the rain washes away the past and brings new life. And new chances I intend to take.
I walk the few steps to the car and slip into the seat next to Harm finally ready to take a hold of something I wanted for so long.
The conference is over and so is this story. But I've started writing a sequel (more Harm and Mac) that I might post once it's finished.
o-o-o-
I am waiting for her next touch. I am longing for it.
She is taking her time now. Slowly she is working her way to the next button her fingers trembling. I can see her eyes being concentrated on the button like it was the only thing keeping her focused.
This time her touch is no longer coincidental. Her finger is drawing a short line over my stomach before she reaches for the item. This time my shiver must be clearly visible for her. Still I manage to keep myself under control just letting her proceed and waiting for her next touch.
I do not have to wait long though. She has reached my chest by now. I can feel the warmth of her skin on mine when first one finger lingers only to be joined by a second thereafter.
Her eyes search for mine and they lock. None of us is concentrated on the buttons any longer. There is something more important than being on time now.
Slowly her whole hand comes to rest on my chest. That is when my body finally sets back into action and my hands reach out for her in one swift motion. My right hand begins to softly caress her cheek while the other finally finds the smooth linen that is covering her hip.
Her hand moves from my chest up to my neck where it is joined by the other. In the same motion I am pulling her close, close enough to feel her body heat mixing with mine.
And what has started out slow is now up to an incredible speed when our lips come crashing down on each other's. My hand is now in her neck pressing her mouth to mine. I run my tongue over her lips desperate to be granted entrance. I hear myself mourn when she is finally parting her lips and I am once more tasting her sweetness.
o-o-o-
So do you think it's worth writing?