Disclaimer: I don't own the turtles and by the looks of it, I probably never will. (sighs deeply)

A/N: When doing that poem on the guys, my mind started wandering. I thought I might as well bring their innermost thoughts to the table, now that I've opened up the infamous can of worms. While some of you may think this suits them, and others might believe it's out of character, it doesn't really matter. Because these are sides of them most of us look upon differently. Different ways we each see them. This is simply my way. Please, if you read this, do leave a review to let me know what you thought of it. I'll try to post the other chapters as soon as possible, felt like starting with Donnie, though.

I WISH I WEREN'T...

by

Mickis

Genre: General/Angst

Language: English

Rating: T

Summary: Deep inside, each turtle holds a wish none of them dares to speak. A part of themselves they would much rather be without. Major character study!

I Wish I Weren't Invisible

For as long as I can remember, I've always been on the outside. The outside of the society, the outside of the world, even on the outside of my own family. There are many times where they count me out, even as kids when they took off on their little adventures together. They just assume I wouldn't want to be a part of the group. So as they spend time together, I'm always left on the outside looking in. I'm doomed to observe them through the envious eyes of an outcast.

Was it not for the fact that I'm so different from them - so pacifistic by my nature - things might be different for us, for me. I suppose we all like different things, my brothers and I. But while all their interests are different from each other's, they can at least on some level relate to what the other person likes. With me, with my projects, my studies and my inventions, no one really bothers to understand.

Sure, I am always welcome when any of them need fixing. Be it medical, mechanical or just something they broke by accident. But as soon as I've fixed it for them, they always leave me to myself and move on with their lives. I feel so secluded from them.

It's not that I don't like being alone, because I do. I enjoy it, in fact. It's just... I don't want to be alone all the time.

I have no one to share my interests with, my thoughts and my beliefs on which my entire being is built. I don't believe in violence, unless it comes to extreme situations. I prefer to use my mind instead of my body. Was it not for Splinter, I wouldn't even be practising the art he taught me - ninjitsu. While I have learned to love it and grown up with his lessons and his methods, it is only a second nature to me.

Unlike them.

Mikey is energy personified. Even if he's not so fond of the practise, the teachings and the rules, he's a natural born ninja. I don't think he realizes how good he really is. His weapons are some of the hardest to master. Believe me, I've tried them. And yet when he wields them, it seems like there is nothing more natural to him. Almost like they're a part of his own body, a part of himself.

Raph lives for the fight. I'm positive he would go insane if he wasn't allowed to fight. He's addicted to the kick that comes with it, that rush of adrenaline that course through you every time you engage in a battle with someone, knowing you're risking your very life. He may not have the natural skill for it like Mike does, nor the discipline Leo carries, but his willpower and brutal strength is more than enough to make up for it. He's a warrior.

Leo lives and breathes ninjitsu. He takes every aspect of the art seriously, knowing he's been chosen to carry on with the tradition when Sensei topples. It is his responsibility to make sure we travel on the same path Sensei's led us, even after he's gone. And while Leo might not be very fond of the fighting itself, the bloodshed and the danger that hangs over our family, he finds peace in the training, both mental and physical. He will practise and push himself till he reaches perfection. For perfection is what he always strives for. He is by far the best of us all. His entire being is drunk with the art.

If I could share the passion with them, enjoy myself as much as they do in the dojo, I know the gap between us wouldn't be as wide.

But I can't.

I'm born to stay in my lab, to work behind the scenes, so to speak. And it sometimes makes me feel like an unappreciated housewife. They rarely take the time to thank me for the gadgets and vehicles I supply them with, and my ability to fix their personal belongings is always taken for granted, as if it is something I enjoy doing.

I sometimes feel like that's all I'm good for. That if I couldn't do that, they wouldn't spend any time at all with me. I may not be a warrior like them, but I'm still a person - and I'm their brother. That should at least count for something, right? We grew up together, we share memories and live under the guidance of the same father. Yet even with all those things to keep us united, we're still apart.

They can't see me for who I am. They see me for nothing else but Mr. Fix it, who quietly sits by the sideline, his thoughts and beliefs foreign to their world, uninteresting.

I might have learned Splinter's lessons a little too well, for even in the safety of my own home, I'm still invisible.

While I do need my privacy, I wish they'd visit me every once in a while.