PLEASE READ THIS VERY BRIEF AUTHOR NOTE:

A fanfic I wrote when I randomly decided I wanted to write a slash that WASN'T Constantine/Chas fic (not that I've ever written one). My first fic posted on this site, one of the few fics I've written since grade 8. And uh, yup, this is Constantine/Gabriel. Just trying ta' stray from the norm here. Also, I haven't seen the movie for a while now so if anything is innacurate or unrealistic cry me a river. I'll fix it next time I see the film.

YES. Gabriel is interpreted as male in this, but not via missing/non existent genitalia. He technically has no gender.

Plus he's interpreted as male in the comic book Hellblazer, so teeharlaffhaha. Enjoy :3.

Also, I don't own any Constantine characters or related content. I simply sodomize them with mycharm andwit.

Sick Sense of Humor

John Constantine wasn't a very social man, even if he used to hang around lost puppy teenagers and pretentious angry females six out of seven days in a week. For the chain-smoker, it wasn't that he didn't enjoy spending time with acquaintances or friends: it was that he hated spending time with specific acquaintances and friends John especially despised it when former half-breed angels that he was apparently "buddies" with came strutting into his apartment as if they fucking owned the place and made superficial claims like, "I have no where left to go," and "you should've shot me when you had the chance," (He agreed).

Of course, it was also fact that John Constantine couldn't dismiss the stubs on his companion's shoulder blades, where the boy's (though this"buddy" hadno gender) wings once were didn't look too healthy. The feathered stumps were disgusting to look at and based on observation Constantine concluded that theywere in factinfected. The remaining feathers were a chocolate shade from dried blood, scabbed over; the wounds where the appendages were removed a disconcerting greening color; infection alright. It was impossible to deny that ever since former arch angel Gabriel had come in to mortality, he was in need of a "how to take care of yourself, you dumb ass 101".

"I can't go to the doctor," Gabriel tilted his head towards the floor.

Yeah, that's true, Constantine thought. What the fuck would a doctor say at the pair of half-rotted wing stumps?

"I hate you…" Constantine took a long drag of his cigarette as he admired the options open for dealing with this pathetic excuse of a human being.

Gabriel shifted his weight from foot to foot, smiling. The same glint in his eyes from better days was still apparent, discharging their freshly stained past. To John, it seemed as if nothing had happened, as if they hadn't encountered Satan just a week ago, or retained scars from the whole 'predicament' – to put it lightly. The way he saw it, it was as if Gabriel hadn't fucking seen enough, hadn't fucking been through 'hell' (no pun intended, he thought); but then maybe that was expected; after all, that kid always had a sick sense of humor.

"Well, I'm having a shower then if you're just going to stay quiet", Gabriel declared, "And besides, since I'm mortal now I figure maybe hygiene is a formidable practice," The half-breed mockingly bowed out of the room.

"Have you even had one shower since the incident?" Constantine asked, demoting his cigarette from his mouth to the floor.

"Nope," Gabriel replied, brushing off Constantine's words with his flippant tone. He nudged open the bathroom door.

Constantine shook his head. Although normally the man hated to see his friends suffer, Gabriel hurting himself was funny. The demon slayer decided it might be a good laugh or five when the boy realized that his infected wings were worse then he was admitting and that cleaning them out so bluntly with a shower wasn't exactly ideal. Constantine decided if they gave out merit badges for irony, Gabriel would fill up quite a few sashes.

But then, Gabriel didn't fully understand the fact that pain was a warning that something's wrong. It was also possible that Gabriel had forgotten what "pain" was and just how much "pain" hurt. Or maybe to Gabriel it was funny, because he was still switching from being half-human to "purebred". Maybe he should punch the little son of a bitch again and make him remember. Now that would be something to laugh about.

Constantine pulled out his shiny new Zippo lighter and started up another cigarette, inhaling that savory life robbing nicotine. The man loved to smoke, he knew it. There was nothing more daunting then fifteen minutes between cigarettes and that was something no crappy gum could fix. Yeah, after the "incident" as he had nicknamed it, he tried the chewable sticky shit and the poor guy just couldn't do it. Constantine needed his cancer.

"SHIT, CHRIST, MOTHER-FUCK. JOHN," Came a voice so abruptly, it blared out from the apartment lavatory. John sighed, feeling the moment he and his tobacco stick had enjoyed go out like a puff of smoke. He sauntered towards a nude Gabriel whimpering on the bathroom floor, the corners John's mouth twitched. The kid had left the shower on.

When he reached the door, the demon slayer took another one of his trademark long drags, casting the rest of the cigarette into the bathtub. The dark and broody hero had a rather smug look on his face.

"You may be wise, Gabe, but you certainly lack human intellect, considering you're the reject of a league that used to be above them," John remarked, and would be more then happy to do so again.

"You're not funny, Constantine..." Gabriel's reddened eyes moistening. The once half-breed put his pants back on, but ignored the shirt, knowing that it would agitate his wounds.

"I think I'm damn hilarious compared to you. Had this happened to someone else and not you're scrawny little ass I think you'd be sobbing from laughing so hard," John's voice was laced with a hint of hostility, "You're a fucking sick little kid, you know that right? You've got a gross sense of humor,"

"Just… can you fix it?" Gabriel asked.

The demon slayer's face softened slightly. Yeah, he'd been in pain like that before, in fact he'd been through worse, so why should he help the little fucker? All the stupid half breed did was offer lame advice and tell him there's no hope for getting into heaven. How John would've loved to take all those words Gabriel spoke about there being no point in trying and throttle him with them.

But John was going to heaven now, so there would be plenty of time for smothering the boy with "I told you so's" another day.

"Um… John?" Gabriel asked sounding more pathetic then any person the smoker had ever seen in his life.

Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out another cigarette and slipped it between his lips, Constantine needed some way to keep himself from stressing out about the stupid ex-half-breed. But he just looked so damn helpless. John acknowledged that for his first time experiencing gaping, un-cleaned wounds, Gabriel was holding up pretty well, even if the dumb kid knew shit about holding his own.

"Get up, I'll clean those damn stumps for you," He sighed, holding his hand out for the former angel to take hold of.

"You're a good man, John Constantine," Gabriel smiled and took the man's hand, standing up.

"Get your ass on the bathtub edge and I'll fix your wounds up. But if you fucking slack and don't keep them clean after you'll be in a lot more hurtin'. I'll take more time to laugh at you then sympathize if that happens," Constantine warned.

"Yes my lord," Gabriel mocked. He turned off the shower first, careful not to get his backside wet at risk of screaming like a little girl.

"And shut up," Spoke Constantine in a drawling voice.

Gabriel chuckled, propping himself onto tub's edge.

To Be Continued 3.

End chapter one! Yay, finallee.. I hope you people enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed writing it! And please, the presumed brigade composed of "BUT GABRIEL'S A GIRL" types leave me alone. I wrote this entirely to please myself and those who interpret the half-breed angel as a boy (and like slash). Criticism is welcomed however :3.