Title: Journey to Awakening
Author: jracklesfan77
Rating: R
Show: DA
Genre: Drama/Action/Romance
Pairing: M/A (Biggs-friendship)
Type: WIP

Summary: Max gets a clue, Alec has enough and Max's journey for inner peace leads her to love and loss. The life of a transgenic is wrought with indecision, trials, pain and sadness. Will our favorite X5s and friends be able to overcome their obstacles and find peace?

AU where Biggs is still alive, Max hates Logan and Max's inner bitch goes AWOL.

A/N: HUGE thanks to CarrielC, Izabelevans and Natacup82 for helping to bring me, and this fic, to a whole new level of consciousness! I couldn't have done it without you!

Part One - Gamble Only to Lose

MAX

Sitting atop the space needle looking out over the vast expanse of the city, my thoughts came to a sudden, shocking conclusion. My breath caught in my throat as it hit me.

I love him.

How could I have been so blind for so long? I had taken out all the anger and frustration of my not-like-that 'relationship' with Logan on the one person I really cared about. The only person I truly cared about.

Alec.

Just thinking his name sent shivers down my spine. The mental picture I formed in my mind made me ache inside; his perfectly sculpted face, his fine cheekbones, full lips…and eyes to drown in forever. Expressive eyes that have shown me repeatedly how he feels about me, which I have successfully ignored and denied for too long.

Staring blankly into the night I remembered every harsh word I had ever said to him - damn my genetically enhanced memory - every insult slung at the beautiful man I have come to depend on, to trust and to love.

How can I approach him, tell him how I feel? What can I do to make him realise I love him? Why would he ever believe me, after the way I've treated him? Hell, I have no idea but I know I have to try.

I wandered into Crash in search of the gang. I saw Sketchy and Original Cindy across the room, pitchers of brew and an empty bottle of scotch on the table. That answered the question of whether or not Alec was here tonight. I saw Sketchy, one arm flung across Cindy's chair, the other under his head where it lay on the table. Even from here, I ccould hear him mumbling about losing all his money. I couldn't help but smile thinking that Alec must have whooped his ass at pool again. Cindy was talking to a pretty redhead who must be the flavor of the day.

I searched the room for Alec, settling my gaze on the pool table in the corner where he and Biggs were involved in a game. I sauntered over to them and leaned against the wall, watching Alec as he bent over the table, muscles flexing under his tight black t-shirt. My eyes roamed over his beautiful body and I took in the sight of his oh-so-perfect physique, my lips darting out to lick my lips at the thought of what lay beneath the exterior casing.

I groaned audibly and Alec turned to look at me, catching me ogling him. I blushed hotly and he laughed.

"Evening Maxie. See something you like?" he leaned towards me, that familiar, sexy smirk in place, his eyes twinkling mischievously. I reached out to smack him hard on his shoulder, but pulled back, remembering why I had come looking for him in the first place. He looked at me quizzically, as if I'd sprouted horns. "Max? Are you feeling ok? Shouldn't I be rubbing my arm about now?" he asked, teasing.

"Alec," I started, my tone serious and pleading, "Can we talk?"

"Sure," he replied with a slight smile. "Shoot."

"In private?" I managed to get out, now so nervous I could barely think straight. Not now, Max! You can't back down now! A little voice in my head was urging me on, fighting for control over the second, more experienced voice trying to convince me to run as fast and as far as I could.

"Let's go to my place," he suggested, taking my arm and leading me through the swarming crowd of people.

Once outside, we climbed on my Ninja. I took to the streets fast and hard, my mind in turmoil.

"MAX!" he screamed, rousing me from my thoughts. "Do you have a death wish!"

I was so deeply lost in thought, wondering what I was going to say to him, that I almost collided with an oncoming truck. I quickly swerved to avoid it and heard Alec's sharp intake of breath.

Shaking my head to clear it, I turned slightly toward him, an apology on my lips. "I'm sorry." I said softly.

Again, Alec looked at me as if I had mutated. "Riiiiiiiiight. You must be the nice twin, huh? What have you done with Max?" he asked, that sexy grin coming to play on his face again.

I managed a small laugh, swatting him lightly on the thigh. I pulled to a stop in front of his building. We headed silently upstairs and into his apartment. Alec closed the door and looked at me.

I stood there just staring past him, trying to organize my feelings into words.

"Well? You wanted to talk?"

I jumped at the sound of his voice, so intent on my thoughts that I had completely forgotten where I was.

Ok, Max. You can do this. Just say it. Don't beat around the bush, the little voice urged me. And I complied.

"Alec," I looked up at him, seeing his concern. "I just need to get something off my chest." I took a deep breath and continued.

"I..I think I'm in love with you."

Alec looked at me; confusion and disbelief in his beautiful hazel eyes. He scoffed at me. "Is this a really bent attempt at making with the funny?"

"Alec, I know I've been a bitch to you, treated you like crap from day one, insulted, hurt, demeaned and degraded you, never giving you the benefit of the doubt…I'm so sorry…" my voice faded to a whisper. I shook my head to clear it as he stared at me, eyes darkened with emotions I couldn't quite put my finger on. Keep going, Max. Don't you DARE stop now, I heard the nagging voice in my head again.

"I've lashed out at you too often and too hard. For things that were NOT your fault, things you had nothing to do with. I blamed you for everything that went wrong in my life. I attacked you more than anyone, because you made me feel. You made me feel so guilty about not being true to myself, about my wanting to be Ordinary and my inability to be so even after years of trying. At the fact that I had turned my back on what and who I am.

"You always seem so comfortable in your own skin. You don't apologize for being what you are, who you are. All I have ever done was try to pretend that part of me doesn't exist. You've awakened feelings that I wanted to suppress. I began to despise being normal. I wanted to be like you. Strong, caring, dependable, a fine soldier, and a good person.

"And somewhere along the way, I fell in love with you." I concluded, my voice quiet, trembling and yet hopeful.

Alec let roar a deep, sardonic laugh. "I'll believe that when pigs fly, Maxie!"

Catching hold of my arm in a vise-like grip, he pulled me to him, my body flush against his. Grabbing my hair, he yanked my head up, our lips meeting in a brutal kiss. His tongue demanded entrance to my mouth and I yielded to the bruising force. I began to drown in the sensations that were coursing through my body when suddenly I stumbled back. If not for my feline DNA I would have fallen gracelessly to the floor.

Alec's abrupt departure left my body suddenly cold. I gasped in surprise, my eyes darting to his, questioning.

"You can't seriously think I'd fall for that, Max. I've had enough of your games. I'm tired of you using me when you feel like it and discarding me when you don't. Go back to Logan, go home, go anywhere but here. Just get out."

I opened my mouth to reply, "Alec…" but the next thing I knew, he had slammed the door in my face.

It had been 3 weeks and still Alec wouldn't speak to me. He avoided me at work. Every time I hung out at Crash with the gang, he kept well away from me. It got to the point where I didn't feel comfortable with my own friends anymore. I had a heart-to-heart with Cindy about it. We exchanged words. Finally, I explained my decision. She wasn't happy to hear my plan but I felt it was for the best.

I was leaving Seattle. Setting out on a road trip to find my siblings. Off to put my head on straight and find some inner peace. Id had enough of Logan and his selfish crusade, enough of endangering myself for his stupid missions. I wanted the ache in my heart to go away but that wouldn't happen until I stopped seeing Alec all the time. Time and distance would be my allies. They have to be.

Looking back over my shoulder at the building that has been my home for the past few years, I was reminded of the good times shared there. I glanced at my friends waving goodbye and I softly voiced a request to Cindy.

"Please don't tell anyone where I've gone."

She looked at me with tears in her eyes. "Consider it done, boo. Original Cindy's got your back".

I gave her one last quick hug before getting on my bike.

I sped off into the cool, dark night with a heavy heart.