You know like two chapters ago, I said I was into writing again? Well apparently that worn off very, VERY quickly…lol? You see I think I like the thought of writing more then the actual sitting there and writing…I'd like to blame it on school…cause school is very tiring when you try to do well…but even when summer started I didn't write…I don't really know why…? I'd have to say truthfully…it's probably because I've become lazy...
Number of things I did this summer worth mentioning: zeeero! Yes, I think I downloaded and watched about a million animes…and that's about all…So yes if you can picture me by the computer as the sun and moon takes turns rising and setting in the background with some random people walking about…then it's like you were with me during the last like month? Glad you can join the madness:D
Disclaimer: I own…stuff…but not all the stuff in this world…or in this story. Just some characters and other stuff…well you know what I mean…STUFF!
Chapter 16 – The bad, the worst and the…wrong?
The clock ticked over and over as seconds, minutes and hours passed by. She was sitting in that seat by the window, in that exact same position when the sun began to set last night, she sat in there as it got darker and darker out, until it wasn't even possible to see out the window but she continued staring at it anyway. She stayed there all night, staring out the window even as the sun began to rise again.
As the sun slowly rose, light shower over the outside world, relieving a fresh layer of snow over the streets, the cars, and the houses. Everything was white, like frosting over a cake, glittering and shinning as it reflected the suns rays. Soon the light from the sun shone through the window, lighting up the once dark room.
And then there was nothing special again, the clock continued to tick as life continued to pass. Soon the clock hit six thirty and the alarmed sounded. The song continued, getting louder and louder with every second and yet still she didn't move.
It went on until it was loud enough to wake a sleeping Rei curled up under his blanket. Rei reached out his hand, turning off the alarm. Then slowly he poked his head out of his blankets and rubbed his eyes. The first thing he saw as he woke up was his sister sitting in the same place as when he had fallen asleep the night before. He sighed and shook his head as he sat up and got out of bed.
Same as it's been for a while, she doesn't sleep.
The day started off like any other day in the life of a disturbed teen…
She walked down the hall and even in her current emotional state…she could feel something was wrong…but what was it? Right as she entered the school that morning she was suddenly pushed out of herself, like a gush of wind had managed to seep inside her head, and was strong enough to push her thoughts on something else.
There wasn't anything different about the school…not at all, well not as far as she could tell at least. It all looked about right from what she remembered…which wasn't much anyway; her brain refused to work properly. There were people in the halls by their lockers with their friends. They talked, they laughed; it was all normal…and yet it didn't feel that way. It felt like a storm cloud was gathering up and it was about to pour…on her and only her.
As she continued down the hallway with Rei by her side, she heard a laugh- a long almost never ending laugh- that pierced all other sound. Her old instincts came flooding back and told her that something bad was coming…but then she collected herself and remembered that nothing could hurt her anymore. It was impossible…she convinced herself that no one could hurt her as much as that person did…no, she would never let anyone have the advantage over her again. No one would ever get close enough to damage her but she realized that it also meant that no one would ever get close enough to save her either. It was all okay though, she didn't want to be saved. After all, without her misery who would she be?
Nonetheless, no matter how much she reassured herself that there was nothing in the world that could hurt her anymore; it didn't change the fact that there are a lot of unexpected things that can happen in this world. The fact of it all was that danger and pain laid dead ahead; and it came in the form of a girl named Carol.
Cecilia entered the packed cafeteria and silence seemed to erupt inside the large room. (silence erupting? Oxymoron!) Within seconds of her entrance, the room had become like a funeral where any noise was strictly forbad and punished. Everyone in the room seemed to be holding their breaths even the wind outside appeared to have stopped blowing. The trees stood so still; not a single leaf dared to move. It was the dangerous calm before the storm.
It was quite clear she had caused this stillness, this immobility in everyone around her…but for what reason? Why were they staring…like she was some sort of rare specimen that would reveal the secrets of life and immortality? Even the teachers seemed to fall under the deep spell.
"Well, well, well…if it isn't our dearest Cecilia…" A harsh and angered voice broke the silence but it also seemed to be filled with joy and pride. Carol stepped out through the crowd, smirking. She stood in front of Cecilia in her same old condescending stand which seemed to scream out Carol's narcissistic thoughts of her own perfection. Though today, her face didn't quite fit into that 'perfection'; her lip was cut and it was evident that she had some major bruises by her eye that even a heavy layer of makeup could not cure.
At the sight of Carol her heart beat loudly and began to speed up. Why…?
"What's going on?" Rei demanded an answer though he could feel in his bones that he would not like the answer.
She couldn't control it…her heart was racing now. …won't it stop?
"Oh, you didn't receive this week's school newspaper? Well here," her smile grew as she handed Rei a folded up newspaper, "you can have mine. I'm done with it."
No, it wasn't Carol causing this reaction… It was what she held in her hand, what she was presently handing over to Rei. Her fingers twitched and shook at the sight of Rei unfolding it. Her knees were weak…
Rei's eyes couldn't believe what they were reading. 'Why?' he thought. He wanted to but couldn't stop looking at the words printed on the paper. 'Why?...' He scanned the front page article and with every word his heart sank. 'Why!' The paper began to shake wildly as he could no longer keep his hands still from the anger which built up in him. It seemed to seep out like a volcano about to erupt.
"WHY!" Rei finally screamed from the top of his lungs. "Why would you print this?" He screamed at no one in particular, just at everyone. "Why would you let them print this!" He redirected his rage to the teachers, who didn't seem to be doing anything about the situation. "It's not funny, it's not at the least bit entertaining, it's not for your enjoyment! …this…this has no reason to be on here!"
Cecilia's heart skipped a beat when her eyes got their first glimpse of the paper…for a minute her heart seemed to stop…she couldn't breathe… The title of the article flashed before her eyes over and over… 'Rape…' The words swirled all around her…she understood why they were staring now. It's because she's dirty…Now they all knew every detail… now they knew her shameful secret…they knew she was tainted…
'I'm foul…I've been contaminated…defiled…I'm a disease…and now they know it…they all do… They'll hate me…because I'm filth... because I'm not clean…' Thoughts entered her mind and they whirled about refusing to stop. They all reassured her insignificance…her worthlessness in the world.
With a loud bang which silenced Rei, all her belongings fell to the ground and she bolted out the door and down the corridor.
'I can't let anyone see me…can't let them see my disgraceful face…They know…they all know. I just want to disappear!'
Rei ran out into the hallway but before he could stop her she was already at the other end. He called out her name but it had not effect. She was long gone.
"Pfft. What a baby. Jeez, the article didn't even say anything mean, just stated the facts. In my opinion it was one of my better works. I especially like the title I came up with ' ' It just gets you, doesn't it?" Carol said indifferently as she examined her nails.
"You?" Rei roared as he turned to face her, his face red and filled with anguish.
"Well yeah. I felt it was my duty, after all there's a rape victim in our school meaning there must be a rapist not far away."
"That was over eight years ago! There is no rapist, he's gone!"
"Oh," she shrugged, "well next time I'll be sure to do my research better."
Rei's temper flared up and every fiber in his body screamed for him to punch her, to knock her out, to make her bleed, to make her hurt…to make her pay!… but he knew it would do no good. He had to find Cecilia so instead he ran down the hall after his sister.
"Ha, thought he would at least try to take some kind of revenge for his sister but it's to be expected. I mean he may look good but he does share the same blood at that Cecilia so obviously he's a wuss. Anyway that's what she deserves for doing this to my precious fac-"
"Stop it Carol! Just shut up!" a girl's voice shouted.
"Oh, no need to get angry or anything Ms. Editor. I intend to give you all the credit you deserve. I mean without you how would I possibly have been able to get my article onto the school's newspaper."
"Don't try to blame this on me! How could you have written this!"
"Well it was 100 percent true you know? And don't act all high and mighty; you knew very well what I was up to."
"I knew you wanted to get back at her…but to announce something like this to the whole school?"
"Oh come on you guys! You love this, watching people fall! Admit it! You love watching people like her at their weakest moments, laughing at them and making fun of them. That's why every school always has someone like me supplying the entertainment. It's in us, all of us including the teachers! We love to see people in pain it distracts us from our own. That's why you guys were silent; you were all enjoying the show too much."
"No Carol. We weren't enjoying it; we were all silent because we didn't know what to say! We didn't want to offend her or make it worst on her like you just did! And it may all be true about the darkness in our hearts or whatever that heals us with the sufferance of others- I know I feel that sometimes at my darkest moments- but there's a limit to everything! There's a line that must not be crossed and with this little stunt, you, Carol have crossed it!"
She could feel her brain had started to function again. It was had perfect control, she actually noticed cars, animals and other people. It was making her legs go…they moved quickly dodging past the people on the streets never stopping for a second. It was leading her somewhere.
'You're leading me where I don't want to be...aren't you?' Her question was answered as her legs came to a halt in front of a building. She had arrived.
Here I was again, after eight years. Of all the places to go this was where I wanted to be. This is where I had to be, where it all started. Everything about this place sent a nostalgic feeling creeping up my body even though I've only technically been here once and once was enough. I lived and relived it so many times I guess my mind must think I've been here…what? Over a thousand times at least by now.
I took a deep breath and looked around carefully. The building was in the shape of a huge clown. Why? I couldn't understand. Clowns weren't the least bit funny, didn't make me want to laugh especially this one. Everything about it screamed evil, from its big bulgy eyes to its huge baring teeth smile that made him seem more condescending and arrogant than happy.
The clown building was rusty, falling apart; garbage littered the floors in front of the building. The bright vibrant colors that once covered the building for top to bottom were now faded into grayish black despair…but in my mind it was just like that day.
This place is now closed down, for god knows how long- no wait scratch that- for whoever knows how long. I don't believe in god anymore. I don't believe in anything anymore.
The whole street seems empty; this place had become a real bad area apparently. In my mind though…I could see people, smiling and laughing, kids running and playing. They were memories, ghosts that haunted me. They were pointing at me, making fun of me just by being what I could never be; happy.
I stared at the door; it was the two missing pieces of clown's mouth. Taking a deep breath I walked in. It was dark on the inside, but I'm no longer afraid of the dark because I know there are worst things in the world. The darkness may hide monsters, but it could also hide you.
Dust and dirt devoured the floors. The place was literally falling apart; one of the support beans had fallen to the ground, landing on what seemed to have been tables and chairs. This place was still had furniture like someone had just woken up one day and decided to leave randomly, abandoning their whole life. Of course the furniture was rooting now. I walked through the room, passing what were tables, chairs, books, toys and a playground. Now hardly anything was left standing, anything wooden seemed to have been bitten away by termites.
But in a flash, in my mind, everything was restored. And kids rushed in from every corner, parents not far behind.
I instantly recognized a table by the pinball machines. The table was long and covered in a white cloth, not the brightest idea considering children ran from every direction. On the wall behind it was a painting of the mascot clown, again with the big eyes and large smile but this time it seemed to have even more make-up on, which brought out the wrinkles on its cheeks and forehead as it force such a wide smiled. I remember now, that was where my birthday cake was.
And with a poof, just like magic, when I thought it, I saw it. On the table were now two cakes. One was like half a sphere; a rich yellow mango cake on top with white icing it wrote: Happy Birthday Rei. The other one, beside it was a tripled layered chocolate cake smothered with frosting, on top with red icing it said: Happy Birthday Cecilia. Just like me to want to kill myself with sweets.
Presents appeared on the table, all around the cakes. Everything was coming together, a banner reading Happy Birthday stretched across the wall, along with streamers and balloons popped up all over the room.
The number of kids seemed to be multiplying as well. They were bouncing off the walls now, and seemed to swarm the place like bees to honey…only they weren't really there, there. More in my mind there…
I got a sudden shiver down my back when I look up to the right and saw a clear view of that dark narrow hallway. In reality, most of the doors in the hallway were opened freely flapping, the paint was chipping off everywhere and the once bright blue color was so covered in dust and dirt that just like the front of the building it had become a grey-ish black mush. But I only saw it like that for a second because again in an instant it had all changed, restored itself…everything but the lights, really. They were on but kind of dim and certain ones kept flicking. How very cliché, almost foreshadowing the bad things to come and yet cliché things happen all the time in life. Like warning signs no one ever notices unless their written in plain black in white for all to see.
Nonetheless, other then the flicking of a few lights, it was a rather friendly, kid-ish place, full of colors and whatnot. So I guess I could see how a little idiotic-me could wander so carefreely down it, that and most kids are just plain naïve and I was no exception. Back then actions had no consequences and the worst thing to ever happen to me was that time Enrique stuck my Barbie's head in the oven. It's almost funny though, after remembering that birthday I started to also remember a lot of other things that my mind had been hiding away. Like playing pin the tail on the couch or falling asleep while eating… Ah, to be stupid again…
But then again maybe I am still just a little stupid because whether I liked it or not, my feet had a mind of its own and down that hallway was where it wanted to go.
Slowly like entering a minefield I proceeded deeper into the unknown. This place had always seemed like an extremely unreal never-ending hallway, there was just door after door after door, each one looking like the last. In my memories, it was so surreal, never the same twice. The walls were always really tall, really short or disproportional. The ground wasn't really slanted, it felt more like I was the one that was slanted, unable to stand straight or hold my balance. Every time the walk down this particular hallway would be the longest, it felt like hours or even days, of knowing and dreading what I was going to happen when I stopped walking. At the end I'd just wanted to finally get there because the fear of it seemed worst then…well it.
I wasn't sure which door it was exactly that was the door but when I finally came by it I knew, just like how mothers can always tell which baby is theirs in a crowd of others. That door just sent off a vibe that only I could feel.
Using the tips of my fingers I pushed open the door. Without much force it swung open. The room was dark, no windows and the lights were out. The first thing I saw was taking up about a third of the room, the infamous metal shelf I remember my back coming into contact with every time. Heh, Every time… I make it sound like it happened more then once, but when I relive it; it's like being raped all over again.
This room like all the rest was filthy, only it seemed much worst. Not only because of the memories I had in it, it was actually much worst then the rest of the building. Every single surface of the room was covered in a thick layer of dust, dirt and spider webs.
But this is now and it was then, eight years ago that I care about. Back then that self was filled with things, and the room had brooms, mops, vacuum cleaners and all sorts of other cleaning utilities in it. The only thing that really stayed the same was the darkness that filled the place.
As I gazed at the room I felt tears fall from my eyes and hit the floor. They were so tremendously filled with my pain, my anger and my fear that it seemed to send vibrations through the floors.
The sight of the room itself disgusted me but it became even worst when waves of memory began to fill my head. Perfect, vivid images. Nothing blacked out, nothing left in the shadows. I was shaking now, and I could feel my face lose all its color. White as a ghost it became.
I can see every movement, hear every sound…feel every touch. I can see myself clearly on the floor leaning up on the shelf. Fear, terror, horror, panic, trepidation whatever word like that you'd like to use, was written all over my little face. And then there he was, towering over me, superior… stronger…
I can't see his face because he's a little…busy, to put it lightly but everything else about him was out there for the world to see. Everything was all too clear now.
The sudden new imagery that coursed through my brain had come on all too quickly; it was if a plan at full speed had flown right into the back of my head. The memories stroke with such force that I was set off balance.
I stumbled into the wall trying to stay up. Everything around me had once again begun to spin, distancing themselves from me. It was all merely swirling colors to me after a while. My life had become a roller coaster ride that I desperately longed to get off of.
Sweat rolled down my face like tears and yet I felt cold all over. Slowly I lost feeling in all my limbs and it started to seem like there was less and less air in the room for me to breath. To top it all off my stomach rumbled as I both felt and tasted something rushed up my throat. It had an awfully bitter and rancid taste to it. It felt moldy all over. I immediately opened my mouth, letting it pour out from fear of what would happen if I didn't. It flowed out rapidly like water flowing down stream. Anything left in my mouth I swallowed back down.
I couldn't take it anymore and so I let my legs collapse just as they pleaded to do. I leaned my head against the wall as I slide to the floor.
Not long after my ass hit the ground, another current of puke surged up my throat and exited through my mouth. This time with so much force that some of it had landed several feet away from me.
A lot of my hair draped over my face sticking to it, partially because of the sweat but mainly because of the vomit on my lips. I couldn't see well but I could smell the putrid barf on my hair. I lifted my hand and attempted to wipe some of it away just so I wouldn't have to smell it anymore. I couldn't exactly tell where my own face was so I swatted at nothing the first few times. I'd imagine that to someone looking at me right now, I'd seem very drunk to them.
Finally I succeeded wiping most of it off with the back of my hand and then I let it fall to the ground once again. I rubbed the back of my hand over the concrete floor. For what reason, I'm not sure. Considering I'm probably sitting waist deep in vomit, why do I care that a little in on my hand? Just because I did.
I continued rubbing it long after the vomit was gone without even realizing it. My body seemed dead, lying there limply. With my head tilted upwards, my mouth slightly ajar and my eyes half closed, I stared up at the ceiling. There was no particular reason, and I was staring at no particular spot. I simply starred without even noticing I was staring just as I did that day eight year ago when it was all over and he had left me here…he should have just killed me…
Weirdly, I felt a slight twinge on my hand. Odd because it didn't even feel like I had arms, let alone hands. I stopped rubbing my hand on the floor and with what little energy that hadn't been sucked out of me I turned my hand and moved my eyes towards it. Blood was smeared all over it; the largest concentration of it was at the knuckles where the skin had been peeled off. Mixed in the wound and in the blood was dirt and little pieces of glass.
This reminded me of that day in geography when I dug my nails into my hand so hard that it began to bleed because just like that day instead of stopping the bleeding, I stared at it. Transfixed. I tilted my hand from side to side to see the shards of glass glisten from the light that crept in from the hallway. Now I imagine that if someone was watching me I'd seem like a crazed lady that had taken one too many pills…or not enough…
For some reason, feeling my hand drain from its blood was…healing me? All my confused, mixed up feelings was slowly disappearing. Flowing out of me as my blood did. I can't say for sure how long I was staring mesmerized by my hand it could have been a few seconds, a few minutes or even a few hours. I lost all sense of time.
After a while the blood stopped itself but by then some of it had already begun to roll off my hand and hit the floor. I watched it a little as droplets formed at the tips of my fingers and then fell to the ground like rain creating tiny puddles here and there.
I had very little interest in that though and so soon I turned my eyes away from my hand. I then allowed my hand to go limp like the rest of my body.
I took another look around the room and the more I looked the more I wanted to stop but couldn't. My eyes scanned the room looking at every little corner, at every tiny detail. I was taking it all in, the place where everything was stolen away from me. Finally, my eyes rested in the corner of the room. There laid broken bear bottles…and other things…underwear, condoms…and something that's probably not sugar in a bag… It would seem I am not the only to lose their virginity here…
There was one particular thing that laid in that corner that caught my attention. It was the glass…a sharp rigid one laid directly in front of me. It caught the light perfectly and looked as if it glowed. Looking at it, those voices came back. First they were soft, whispering kindly in my ears…"Pick it up." "Pick it up." "Pick it up." It repeated it over and over like there were millions of people popping up from every direction. Slowly they got louder and louder, refusing to let me ignore them this time…Soon they were screaming, louder then they ever have… "Pick. It. Up."
My hand shook in response to the screaming. It wanted the voices to stop…it wanted to pick the glass up. Without me instructing it to my hand rose. I gazed at it as it shook uncontrollably before my eyes. I resisted the overwhelming urge to do as the voices yelled…I knew what they wanted with it…because they were me or at least a part of me. They were my subconscious emerging, my most repressed thoughts...and they wanted me to die.
"No…NO…NO!" I shrieked forcing my hands against my ears. The loud shriek seemed to pierce all the other voices and left the room in silence. They were gone…
I sighed in relief. Though the sweat began to pour again and breathing began to complicate. My head pounded again and I was sure I was going to hurl…again…
I waited for it to come…but it didn't…instead in the corner of my eyes…I caught sight of the glowing piece of glass once more…It was calling to me. They were gone…but I wasn't strong enough to keep them that way…
They whispered nicely this time, "You know you want to…it's just a simple reach to be free. You want the pain to stop, right? So take matters into your own hands. Make it stop."
As they talked, saying just the right things in just the right way at just the right time, I felt myself wondering more and more why exactly I was fighting so hard. When did I start longing to live this much? Hadn't I given up long ago? ...Didn't I want to die…?
The answer was simple, yes…I wanted to die, I wanted it to end…every feeling that swirled around in me…all the memories that refused to stop… I didn't want to fight anymore.
I placed the palm of my hand on the cold floor. I pressed it against the little pieces of glass and rocks on the ground with my weight as I supported myself up, using my other hand to reach for the glass. I leaned forward, desperately trying to stretch my arm out to grab it…my legs seemed so useless, they couldn't move. My weak arm wobbled on the unsturdy rocks until finally it slipped forward and my face hit the ground. I closed my eyes…Why is dying such a challenge?
The voices continued to egg me on. They didn't want me to fall unconscious; they wanted me to kill myself. They weren't yelling but with every second their voices got louder as mine began to vanish.
"Just a little further…just a little more…to end it all…Do it…"
I wiggled forward like a worm until my hand finally grasped the shard of class. I tighten my grip on the glass, feeling it push against my skin. I then withdrew my arm and fixed my eyes on the shimmering glass. There was only one thing left to do…
This very moment I had thought about so many times. Where would I die? How would it happen? What would be my last thoughts? Well let's see, I'll die by my own hands, in a dirty clown's head, with a glass shard. My last thought…where do I go from here? Though I guess I'm about to find out…
Right…back on track…only one thing left to do…
My hand shook uncontrollably as I brought the razor-sharp glass closer and closer to my wrist. Truth? I had no clue what I was doing. I knew that if I lost enough blood I would die…and there was probably a specific spot to cut to make that process go faster…where that was? Dunno. I mean it isn't as if I did research on this.
I figured any cut would do it, right? So I dug the glass into my wrist and blood immediately rose to the surface. My hand was still shaking even after the glass had penetrated my flesh. There was a twinge of…I wouldn't call it pain…it was more like a twinge of feeling and then nothing. It didn't hurt, in fact, if I had stabbed the glass right through my hand at that time, I don't think I would have felt it.
Slowly I dragged the glass downwards and more blood surfaced. Though there was lots of blood, it was only about a ten centimeter horizontal cut and I wouldn't exactly call it that deep...definitely not fatal…if not let unattended for long…
I took the glass out of my arm and looked at it. The tip was covered in blood…my blood and it slowly dripped downwards to my hand as I held it up. This is when what I was doing finally registered in my brain.
'Blood' that's what I thought before I totally panicked. I dropped the glass onto the floor and I remember hearing it shatter. I looked at my arm and watched as the thin line of blood got thicker and thicker as more and more blood began to flow out.
This is when I realized that I didn't want to die. I wanted to finish school, I wanted to learn to drive, I wanted to get my first job, I wanted to experience love, I wanted to start a family of my own, I w-wanted…I wanted to do a million things and the more I sat there gazing at my blood the more I realized the number of things I still had to do. I wanted to live.
I took off the sweater I was wearing and attempted to tie it around my arm as tight as possible. My mind began to race as hundreds of different thoughts entered it. The one that kept coming up screamed "Live" and so I decided the best thing to do was get out of there.
I forced myself up on my feet…but maybe that's not the best way to phrase it. The way I just said it you're probably thinking of those shows where the determined main character suddenly shouts "I can't give up! I can't die here!" and then he or she (most likely he) gets up, all healed and ready to fight the bad guys.
Well it wasn't like that. Think of instead of a person sliding on marbles…without there being any marbles on the floor. I would get up just a little and my knees would give in and I'd find myself on the ground again. Took several times of falling on my ass before I managed to stand…with the wall as my support.
The moment I was up, or as up as I could get, I became dizzy again but that was okay because for the first time in a long time, I felt the will to survive and it was strong.
When I arrived at home it was really late and really dark out. I don't really know how I got here because I was going in and out of consciousness. It was like how sometimes when you cry really hard by the time you stop you can't remember certain things that were happening while you were crying…well maybe that doesn't happen to you but it happens to me…a lot…
I remember stumbling down the hall…I remember telling myself not to give up for once in my life as I zigzagged my way through the streets…and the next thing I knew, here I was in my room. Though I don't think anyone's home because I just slammed into a table and broke a lamp and no one's come to yell at me yet…so…good sign?
There's one thing I remember very clearly throughout the whole journey home and that's the voices…they're continuing even now…
"What
are you doing?"
"Loser"
"Pitiful" "Coward"
"You
can't even kill yourself properly!"
"What
can you do right?"
They went on and on…and just refused to shut up. It made it so hard to think with so many things being thought in my head.
I looked at my arm and the blood had already began to ooze through the sweater…that cut was definitely deeper then I had originally thought it was…or maybe I just so happened to cut something important… I wondered how much blood I had lost…though a better use of my time would have been to wonder how to stop the blood…
I knew there was a first aid kit by Rei's bed somewhere from back in the days when he was accident prone. He was sort of in this weird awkward state. He was growing so quickly that he couldn't quite control his own body…and so tended to trip on his own feet and fall down the stairs… It was an…entertaining time…for me at least.
Funny…I know this isn't the time to mention this but I seriously think my memory's getting better.
I was almost at Rei's bed when the tape which I thought had stopped for good started again. It was sort of weird…because the voices continued at the same time…some were actually making comments on it… This has never happened…the voices in my head made me weak…but at the same time it also made me strong. Whenever they would start the tape would stop…
I'm pretty sure it started again because it's midnight. There was something about this time that my mind liked…or at least it liked this particular time to torture me… It was probably because midnight is between yesterday and today and that sort of represented me…stuck between the past and the present…or something equally as stupid.
Try to remember a time when three or more people were talking to you, all telling you different things, all asking you to do something different at the same time. Then add in a very graphic movie that you want to turn away from but can't. Remember the confusion and frustration. You can't hear your own thoughts or even process what everyone around you is saying. Take that feeling and multiple it by about a million and that's where I was.
I felt like I was trapped in my own mind. Soon I found myself on the floor in the fetal position with my hand over my ears…though I'm not sure why…you can't tune out voices coming from your own head…
Out of instinct I guess, I clutched onto my ears and rolled to face Rei's bed. I could feel the sweater around my arm, it was moist and cold. With my arms against my face I could feel some of the blood transferring onto my skin… I needed to look for that first aid kit. Even with all the distractions, I still had the will to live pulsing inside of me. It wasn't as strong as it was before…but it's still there.
I crawled my way towards the bed; the pain in my head was so bad my eyes began to tear mixing in with the sweat that covered my face.
I desperately rifled through the drawers by his bed but found nothing. Next I scanned around and on his bed but it was hard as every second past my vision got worse.
I reassured myself that I only needed to rest my head for a few seconds and so I allowed myself to fall flat on the floor. But somewhere deep in me I knew it wasn't as simple as that. There was something seriously wrong with me. I heard voices and no, they weren't like inner voices crap. They were different…they had their own personalities, their own minds… It wasn't only that though but now more often then ever, I've been having these dizzy spells…these aren't the first ones, I've been having them for a while especially at night. My mood either swings up and down uncontrollably…or I have no mood at all, no emotion, no reaction. The worst thing of all that's wrong with me is that I can't let go. I can't let go what happened to me…I can't forget… I obsessed and let it take over. He's won because I let him have control over me, time and time again. He must be awfully proud of himself somewhere out there…
More tears began to fall from my eyes…they weren't caused by the pain in my head but by the pain in my heart…the pain that I kept holding onto because I was afraid to let go. I blinked over and over to stop the tears from rushing out but I couldn't. I had held them in for too long.
I laid there, tears literally streaming from my eyes, beside Rei's bed and I had a clear sight into what was under it. I caught a glimpse of something that I recognized, something I had put there not too long ago. I reached out my hand and grabbed it. Benzodiazepines, it read clearly on the label. My sleeping pills… My hand began to shake again…as it did, I heard the pills on the inside shaking.
At this point, my head was very messed up. All I knew was those images of the past and those voices that were so strong… all I wanted now was to make them stop so I could go back to normal. So I could smile again and enjoy life. It was all I could think of…going back to what was once life.
So like I said, my head was very messed up…and I guess I figured…if I took those pills I may actually get some sleep…without having the past haunt me…and with the sleep I'd be strong enough to fight the voices…so…I poured some onto my hand and swallowed them without a second thought. I didn't read the directions or the warning…I just took them.
First I only took two…but nothing happened…in fact…the voices got mad…louder…the pictures…got clearer like a punishment. So I took more…and more…and more…until there were none left. The voices went…the pictures faded…and I finally got a second to hear my own thoughts and process what had happened that day…but this when I realized they tricked me…
I had taken too many pills and they were taken their toll. I got drowsier and drowsier…it was impossible to resist. My eyes were too heavy to keep open…I was going to die. I didn't want to for the first time in months…but it was going to happen anyways. It's so ironic that it's ridiculous.
For some reason, at that moment…right after the thought of dying came to mind, Kai entered my mind…I let his name escape from my mouth and at that very second I saw him… Standing there he almost looked like he was glowing…
I don't know if I was just hallucinating (which is a huge possibility) but I began to talk to him anyway. I can't really remember what I told him…I just felt his arms around me as the darkness took hold of me as well. His image faded slowly but I liked that he was the last image in my head. Is that…wrong?
I LUV KAI! I LUV SASUKE! I LUV HIKARU! And KOARU! (I luv how both their names roll off your tongue) I Lubs BISHONENS! (or with a 'u'- bishounens, if that's how you like to spell it.) I just thought I should let it be known…if I haven't made it clear in the past it very important to know…lol…yes…
THE END! (not really…but it could be! Nah…I think I planned 18? Or 19 Chapters? Whenever I get around to that…I kept saying I'll write once I finished watching my anime but I keep downloading more you see…so yeah…I've decided to stop downloading…haha…except Ouran! Me LOVES too much to give it up! Anyone else watch Host club? It's so cute! WAI! WAI!)
Well I'm gonna write tomorrie…but I'm not gonna promise any updates soon…though I hope, I can never guarantee. I also really likes all your reviews! They're so nice…and it's nice to know that the story...like…means something? (trying to not over corn this)
Well…LOVU
LOVU desu!
haha, that's what I say to my bunny everyday as I put my hands around her head and shake her:P…I think she's
getting annoyed of me...she won't play with me! Humph:( :P
Till the next update, let's all be nice and kind to each other! BAIBAI! Make love not war:P..haha (yes that just sounded really stupid -.-) Don't mind me, I don't get out much...
Oh Right, P.S. on the voices, she ain't crazy!...lol...All shall be explained in due time! Yes, because I proclaim it! (I just wanted to say that I proclaimed something...)