Disclaimer: LABYRINTH is a trademark of Henson Associates, Inc. It is not mine. I'm just fooling around with it. Also, the whole idea of an academy belongs not to me, but to the wonderful, and all-knowing Miss Cam, who runs the Official Fanfiction University of Middle Earth. I can only humbly thank her for letting me write this.
The Labyrinth Academy
by Fou Fou
Rule Four: Never ever write a character that even remotely resembles a Mary Sue; you'll regret it.
Ami was one of those people who liked her sleep. A lot, in fact. Her favorite part was the dreams, especially when they involved a certain king of the goblins in an above PG-13 rating. When one of these dreams was in progress, she preferred not to be disturbed.
So naturally, she wasn't happy when what sounded like a blow horn went off in her ear while she was in the middle of one of the afore mentioned dreams.
"What the . . .?" exclaimed Ami, eyes open, searching for the one who would dare wake her up in such a crude manner.
From the other side of the room, three very disturbed and disgruntled cats – Pecan, Chawch, and Cornflakes – shot out of the room. None of them were quite sure why they seemed to be in such a hostile and unknown environment with loud noises. The only thing that seemed vaguely familiar was a creature thing that sounded like their servant, Koke, but smelt like water. In fact, she seemed to consist of water. Very undignified, in their opinion. Overall, it was agreed among the lot of them to leave the room and find some chickens to chase.
This left Ami, Koke, and Ledderlegs to the mercy of whatever it was that had just woken them up.
"Good morning, ladies!" cried the cheerful (and suggestive) voice of 'Hoggel.'
Ami groaned, pulling the pillow over her head. Why him? Why is it always 'Hoggel?'
"What time is it?" asked Ledderlegs miserably.
"5:32 AM, according to that odd clock with a girl and a creature that resembles Ludo on it," answered 'Hoggel.' "And it's time to get going. Breakfast is soon and schedules are going to be handed out. I hope for your sakes you didn't forget to do your reading assignments for His Majesty's class. He's in a rather sour mood this morning, and it wouldn't take much to royally piss him off."
"If you were the one who woke him up, I don't blame him," muttered Koke darkly.
"Wait . . . what reading assignment? No one mentioned a reading assignment yesterday!" said Ami.
"Oh . . . oops!" said 'Hoggel' gleefully. "Must have slipped the Director's mind!" One of his many hands pointed to a stack of books on her bureau that Ami was quite positive had not been there the night before. Of course, she had gone to bed late, tired from trying to run away from 'Sara,' 'Jereth,' and 'Loodo' who were trying to dye her pinlue, while avoiding stepping into the Bog of Eternal Stench (aka BOES).
Ami looked over at Koke and Ledderlegs, seeing similar surprised expressions as the saw books on their bureaus. Koke's of course, were waterproof.
"What time is his Majesty's class?" asked Ami worriedly.
"First thing after breakfast!" chirped 'Hoggel' happily.
Ami groaned. She'd have to do a lot of cramming in the next few hours if she didn't want to take another one way trip to the BOES.
Director Fou was barely able to contain the scream that was threatening to overwhelm her. It wasn't even eight thirty in the morning, and already she had a headache.
"Why . . . why did someone let a student get through with the species 'goddess' on her application? Why did the Admissions Committee let her through as a freaking GODDESS!"
"Dearie, we were tired, and we didn't notice . . ." said the Trash Lady in defense of her fellow Committee members.
"Water Nymphs I would have been okay with. Hell, if there was a freaking Jedi Knight, I'd be happy. But you let her in as a goddess. As if hormones weren't bad enough, you had to add in Aphrodite into the mix. What's next, Cupid?"
"Somebody say my name?" came a voice as a handsome and well fit man in a toga with a bow and arrows flew in through the open window of Director Fou's office.
"Who are you?" demanded Director Fou, hands on hips.
"I'm Cupid!" exclaimed the man, holding his arms out with a flourish.
"No! No! No!" yelled Director Fou. "Get out! I don't care where you came from or how . . . just go back . . . NOW!"
"Fine, if I'm not wanted . . ."
"You're not."
Cupid spun around with a huff then flew off. Director Fou was vaguely aware that he was muttering something about her that was rude, but decided to ignore it. She had more important things to worry about then what some long-lost god thought of her. More important things, like how Cupid had gotten into the Labyrinth.
It was only then that she realized that she probably should have asked Cupid before he left how he had got into the Labyrinth Academy. If there was a plot hole she wasn't aware of hidden in LA, then she might have to worry about more unwanted visitors.
She sighed, but soon decided there was nothing that could be done about the problem at the time being. She'd deal with it when something happened.
"Director?" asked the Trash Lady, a bit worried at the somewhat frightening expression on the Director's face.
"What was that? . . Oh, yeah . . um, I guess we'll just have to put a restraining device on Aphrodite or something . . . and pray to God she hasn't gotten the hang of her powers yet. Now was there anything else you wanted to tell me?"
"Well . . ." started the Trash Lady, somewhat nervously.
"Oh, just say it," said Director Fou in a resigned voice.
"It would seem that a few boyfriends of some of the fangirls have made it into the Labyrinth Academy. Not by the admissions process, but because they were put down as a 'favorite thing.'"
"How many?"
"Well, so far we've found two. One belongs to a girl named Kitty. There was another one wrapped in a blanket with several racy romance novels, belonging to the Jolly Glomper. They appeared in the library. Overall they seem quite dazed, the poor dears."
This is not happening, Director Fou told herself, somewhat hoping that if she told herself this enough times, the problem would disappear. Not for the first time did she wonder what had possessed her to take this position at the Labyrinth Academy.
"Where are they now?" asked Director Fou, when it became apparent that the Trash Lady wasn't going to disappear along with her bad news.
"In the Infirmary, heavily sedated," said the Trash Lady. "We don't know how to get them to go back to Earth."
"Maybe we could just keep them knocked out until school is over," mused Director Fou.
"I don't think that would work," said the Trash Lady. "The Fierie in charge said that to keep them doped up that long would do weird things to their systems."
"I'm not sure if Fieries are the best beings top know what weird is. In any case, get Miss Ari to find some accommodations for them and try to explain why there here," said Director Fou. "Somehow I doubt they'd be exactly pleased when they find out."
The Trash Lady nodded, then hobbled out of the room, the mound of junk on her back swaying back and forth as she went. It was only after she was gone that Director Fou let out her scream of frustration.
Breakfast was a stressful environment as Ami and the rest of the students attempted to finish their reading for How To Rule The Goblins 101 as fast as they could. That, and Ami still couldn't seem to find out where the heck her left shoe was.
"This is impossible," Madd Hatter eventually declared angrily. She slammed her insubstantial hands through her insubstantial book through the table (She had put down Phantom as her species). On her head, she wore a top hat. It was slightly lopsided, and she lazily pushed it back into place.
"Why do we even need to know all this stuff?" complained Celleigh, a normal human girl except for the fact that she had a bright blue nose. She was also, to Ami's surprise, not a Jareth luster, but a Ludo luster. ("Ludo luster all they way," Celleigh had said. "Now there's a man that can keep you warm at night. You have no idea how cold in can get sleeping in an igloo. Oh they say that they are quite warm. Compared to what, I ask! Compared to a Polar Bears teat, I say!") However, Ami found that she quite liked Celleigh, despite her odd choice of lust object. At least she wouldn't have to worry about Celleigh trying to entrap the goblin king's heart.
"This book doesn't even mention anything about the Ewoks that His Majesty rules!" complained Crossy, her words appearing above everyone's head in bright pinlue letters.
"Hey, did anyone see the new girl at the staff table today?" asked Emma.
T.W. nodded. "That really pretty one with pointy ears? The one that looked like a model?"
"Yeah, that's the one," said Emma. "Do you know who she is?"
"No idea," said Ami.
"Sarah-or Saz as she says she prefers to be called to avoid complications with Sarah Williams- said that she heard from Kelly, who heard it from Takame Kiriku, who heard it from Jessika, who heard it from some of the staff members that her name is Mary Sue," said Gwen.
"Mary Sue?" asked Ami. "Wow, that's kinda funny. I wonder if she is a Mary Sue?"
"Yes, I am a Mary Sue," said a voice from behind Ami. All the girls turned to see a strikingly beautiful woman with pointy ears dressed in cargo pants, leather jacket and tank top glaring down at them.
"Really?" asked Kelly excitedly. "That's so cool! Do you like being one?"
"No, I don't enjoy being one," snapped Mary Sue, glaring at Kelly with her shimmering aqua eyes, the color of the ocean after a storm. "And if I ever find out that one of you have written a Mary Sue, I will not hesitate to kick your butt. That's Rule Four; Never ever write a character that even remotely resembles a Mary Sue; you'll regret it. I have enough of my own problems without having to deal with your literary rejects. Half of them don't even have a developed flat character, let along a round one."
The group of girls looked at Mary Sue with a mix of fear and awe. They were all trying to think of something to say to her, but none of them could say a word, stricken speechless as they were by her beauty. And because she was a Mary Sue, Mary Sue's anger at the fan girls only seemed to intensify her beauty.
Mary Sue simply shook her head and muttered to herself, "I do not get paid enough for this job," before storming away like a vengeful goddess.
Eventually, the time came for classes to begin, so Ami went over to her first class. By the time she found the room, there was already a large group of people. Some of the girls, like Leah and Veritas were already camped out in front of the classroom, discussing the merits of Erik, the Phantom of the Opera, and Jareth, the King of the Goblins. Leah even went so far as to suggest that perhaps Erik and Jareth should get together, but Veritas continued to keep with her opinion from the night before, saying that His Majesty was much better suited to the Junk Lady. (She had apparently not learned the danger of discussing Jareth's relationships, despite how hard the Roaming Helping Hands had tried to help her understand this).
In another corner, Saana and Kitty discussed the advantages and disadvantages of being the only two male-ish students. Kitty was a female when she arrived, but today was a blue moon, so she had suddenly become a man. Saana mostly was dealing with a gender crisis, for she/he put down female as her gender, but as species put down "rooster." Of course, she/he was also the leader of her/his own harem of hens, so many of the chickens that populated the Labyrinth Academy had taken to following her/him around.
There were so many students in front of Ami, that she began to despair that she would never be able to get a seat up front near His Majesty. She made a note to get to the classroom earlier next class.
"Ok, everybody move!" cried a musical voice that reminded Ami of mountain water flowing in a running brook. Everyone turned to see Mary Sue shoving her way through the crowd until she made an aisle. Behind her, a swarm of Roaming Helping Hands surrounded the Goblin King who was wearing sunglasses and accompanied by the hassled Mr. Smith, who was also wearing sunglasses. Apparently one stampede was enough for Jareth, and he had decided to take extra precautions.
"Make way, make way, let His Royal Majesty through!" yelled 'Sara.'
"And no glomping of professors!" said Mary Sue.
Surprisingly, everyone backed away, though mostly because they were just so in awe of the stunning Mary Sue before them. She had one of the voices that you just felt compelled to obey. Ami couldn't really explain it, and she was beginning to feel a little uncomfortable about the amount of power that Mary Sue appeared to be capable of wielding.
It was only after Jareth and is entourage had safely gotten into the room that the students were allowed in. Chaos ensued for about five minutes as there was a mad dash to the front of the classroom, to be the closest to Jareth. They weren't able to get any closer than that due to the metal bars that separated to Jareth from the rest of the students. The only students who didn't join in the mad rush to get to the front were of course the few non-Jareth lusters:
Celleigh - Who was much too involved with dreaming about Ludo to notice Jareth's human charms,
Veritas - Who was currently way too involved with Erik from Phantom of the Opera to care about the Goblin King,
Crossy - Who still believed Tom Riddle was going to show up, and she wanted to be closest to the door in order to make a mad dash from the room if she happened to see him pass by,
Crystalline – Who found that in her glass form it was very dangerous for her to get to the front of the room, and because she wasn't human she wasn't really interested in Jareth. It wasn't as if they could do anything, with her stuck in a crystal ball,
Gwen – Who was not interested ,
Aier – Who was still a bit peeved about the whole BOES thing – and the fact that she was still convinced that Jareth stole her throne – there was talk of sending her to psychology, but then Management figured probably everyone in LA needed therapy, so they didn't bother,
Aphrodite – Who was a goddess, who didn't really care about Jareth, but knew that he was secretly lusting her. She was only there so that she could study the fangirl mind, and figured it would be best to do so from the back of the room in order to see as much as possible. ''Jerith' was floating nearby with a stun gun in case she started using her powers until Management found a way to restrain them,
TombCrank the Crafty- Who was an androgynous Necromantic Robot, therefore it was not interested in Jareth at all and felt that romance was a silly stupid thing,
and finally
Moondancer - Who was holding out for Jareth's non-existent evil cousin.
Ami found herself somewhere in the middle, between The Amazing Aliano (Aliano for short) who appeared to be mostly human except for her cat-like eyes, and Luna Rydl, who looked like she was very close to jumping over the heads of everyone and ravish the Goblin King.
When it looked like everyone had a seat, Mary Sue cried out, "Everyone shut up!" Naturally, everyone did so, since she was Mary Sue, and the words of a Mary Sue could not be disputed. "Now, I want you all to be on your best behavior for His Majesty's class : How To Rule The Goblins 101 (And why they can't just take care of themselves). If I find out that any of you have been trying to glomp your professor, I will be very displeased and upset," she looked at the students and Ami felt the sudden desire to not let Mary Sue down. "Now repeat this : I will not act on my lusting impulses, or the 'Helping' Hands will get me."
"I will not act on my lusting impulses, or the 'Helping' Hands will get me," parroted the class.
Mary Sue rolled her eyes. "Good luck, Jareth. Come on Mr. Smith, let's get out of here. Director Fou says we're having a meeting of some importance in the teacher's lounge."
Together, Mary Sue and Mr. Smith left the room, leaving Jareth and his 'Helping Hands' alone. When the left, Jareth took off his sunglasses with sigh of relief.
"Alright, students. If I really had a choice in the matter I would not be here right now, I'd be relaxing in the Jacuzzi I have in my private rooms, but it would seem that you dunderheads need some government lessons. Apparently, you think that the Labyrinth can run itself. That me being king just means I get to lollygag about all day, doing nothing, except for romancing Sarah Williams or whatever ridiculous characters you've come up with. Apparently you all think I'm romance craving maniac!" Jareth sighed, trying to control his emotions. "But no matter, that is a discussion for Hopeless In Love 101, which you'll all be in tomorrow. Apparently some sort of celestial being hates me, since they have decided that it would be fun to assign me all these classes with you hormone driven teenagers. Pathetic really, how a king must spend his time. Goodness knows what trouble the goblins are up to . . ."
"Which leads right into today's lecture. Goblins, by their very nature, tend to side with chaos. They can't help it. They're not the brightest creatures in the world. Just look at the battle between them and Sarah Williams if you need an example. Ye gods, that was embarrassing. If it weren't for me, they wouldn't know their right from their left (actually, come to think of it, half of them don't)." (This earned some annoyed grumbling from Ledderlegs) "Well, in any case, you must understand that in order from preventing them all from killing each other, or the whole Labyrinth dissolving into anarchy where I lose my position as king . . ."
"Which doesn't even belong to you, you throne snatcher!" cried out Aier passionately from the back of the room. She was quickly shushed by the evil glares from all the fangirls sitting in front of her.
Jareth glared at her for a moment, and after making sure that she wouldn't be saying anything else, continued on:
"Going along this whole strain of anarchy resulting in the lost of my monarchy. Does anyone here know what a monarchy is?"
A few girls raised their hands, and Jareth called on Sheridan. "Isn't that a government involving some ruler?"
"Somewhat. Though unlike your American government or wherever you all are from, a monarchy involves a king or a queen (otherwise known as monarchs) who are normally of noble birth. There are several forms of monarchy, such as absolute monarchy, constitutional monarchy, dual monarchy, elected monarchy, and limited monarchy. Absolute monarchy is when the ruler has supreme and absolute authority to do whatever he wishes. Constitutional monarchy is when the monarch has powers granted to him through a constitution of some sort. Dual monarchy is when two monarchs rule together – which happened in your Sparta. Finally limited monarchy is when the monarchs only have ceremonial powers, much like your England is today. And I do so hope you're taking notes on this, since there will be a quiz next Monday."
Suddenly everyone grabbed pens and paper and began frantically trying to write down all they could remember.
"I thought it would be best if your first assignment involved a three paged essay comparing at least twenty different types of government, not including monarchy which I've already gone over. Management hopes that part of this class will help you to appreciate the need for government and understand the way it works."
"You mean this is actually Civics?" asked one student in despair.
Jareth smiled. "Exactly. After all, without government, we would slide towards chaos, the goblins would be left free to run around as they please, and nobody would be able to get any peace. Rules ensure that the goblins can't take babies without the magic words. Get rid of those rules and structure of government, and I'd be overrun with babies and your population would cease to exist." After a moment's thought he added, "Which probably wouldn't be that bad of a thing, considering."
Suddenly a bell rang, causing at least half the students to jump in their seats. "That would be the bell telling you that class is over," said Jareth.
Ami waved her hand to get the king's attention. "What about the books we had to read for class today? Weren't we going to have a quiz or something today?"
"You've all read the books already?" asked Jareth. "Why ever did you do that? No matter. Next class I'll just give the entire class a test over it, is that fine with everyone?"
There was some collective groaning out of the students, and several glares shot in Ami's direction. As Mary Sue and Mr. Smith came to help escort Jareth out of the room, Ami made a mental note to never again ask a question about homework, or believe a word that 'Hoggel' said regarding said homework.
Author's Note:
I would like to acknowledge FAPR: Fantasy Art Resource Project and Crissy Gothberg for the wonderful essay "Seeds of Government Part II" on different types of monarchy, as well as a thanks to Meg for betaing this. The writing juices are flowing, I think I'm back in the swing of things!
Also, for those of you who have asked, a rough site is currently up for the Labyrinth Academy. The link to it can be found in my profile. Applications are still being accepted for the Academy as well, for those who are interested.
Finally, along the line of the website. If anyone is interesting in doing any art for the Labyrinth Academy, I'd love it. It will be posted on the website if you send it moe. (There is some really fun stuff on Miss Cam's OFUM website, and I'd like to have some fun stuff to post on my site as well).