After quite a break, I'm BACK with the Vice-Captain diaries! If you fear excessive swearing and naked folk, you ought to run. Right now. Before it's too late.
Note: Kira was going to be first, but I felt like this one was a better journal to open the new 'season' with. However, KIRA WILL BE NEXT, I SWEAR.
Disclaimer: If I were really skilled, Bleach would've been mine a long time ago
The Day in the Life of Abarai Renji
Dear Diary, no, Piece of Paper, shit, JOURNAL,
So taichou (I'll explain him later, he needs a lot of explaining) suggested that I start a diary, fuck it, JOURNAL to "relieve the stress and anger in my life". Whatever. I wasn't going to do it until I finally found a decent, empty scroll that I could use. I'm not writing my life into a tiny, pink pleather notebook that says "Kuchiki 4eva". No.
Right, Kuchiki Byakuya's my captain. I'm the vice-captain. Look, can I just cut the crap and get on with my day? Momo said that I have to introduce myself to my diary DAMMIT, JOURNAL! Okay, I'll just recap the day. And I gotta say, I give it a F. For a FUCKING FREAKISH FAILURE.
So, I planned on taking a shower this morning. I planned, you notice that? But when I was about to open the door, fucking taichou opens it and starts screaming about how the stars of some crappy soap opera are going to be visiting an area of Japan really close to a spirit portal. I told him to shut the hell up. Hey, I would've been happy for him.
If he wasn't completely naked and shrieking like a girl in front of me.
His 'Kuchiki heirlooms' are so not as big as mine. Liar. One good thing about today.
But I tried to be normal about it. I went into the shower and started cursing at Gregory, my rubber ducky. He didn't deserve that, so I apologized to him.
Then, I'm nice and clean. I grab a waffle from someone's plate and drink some coffee. Then, I wrote up a few more pages of my romance novel. What? Guys can write romance novels! My other one, "Sweet Nothings at Midnight" got frikkin 'rave reviews'. Yeah, I have FANS.
Actually had to go to the human world today. Major hollows everywhere in Hokkaido. Kicked major ass. When we were going back, taichou kept whining about how his leg got cut. He thinks it's going to leave 'an unsightly scar that will surely blemish my flawless skin.' He's a bigger flame than that burning bush Moses talked to.
So, came back in time to meet up with Matsumoto and Yachiru. Momo packed lunch for us all today, so we got ham and cucumber sandwiches shaped like our vice-captain crests and for dessert, super cute, super pink dango. Nemu's doing lunch tomorrow, better not be her polyurethane or whatever the chemical hell excuse for food. I never looked at plastic the same way again after Nemu's last attempt at lunch. Plastic sausage. Uh, enough said.
Oh yeah, the one good thing about today was lunch. I gotta say, I've heard Toushiro tell Momo about captain lunches, and honestly, I don't know what the fuck is wrong with them. Do you know what they do? They compete to see who has the best lunch, and then they talk about some soap opera. If being a captain means that, I'd rather run through Rukongai screaming, "I dream about Mayuri dating armadillos in yukatas!" And trust me, Isane did that when she was drunk once. It wasn't pretty.
But anyway, vice-captain lunches are WAY better. Every day, we take turns making lunch for everyone, and someone brings a game, juicy gossip, or something interesting to do for the rest of the hour. So after dango, Nanao taught us how to play mahjongg. Shuuhei and Matsumoto's team won. Kira and I lost miserably. Since it's my turn to bring the game tomorrow, I'm bringing mahjongg. And this time, it's gonna be STRIP mahjongg. I WILL win!
Okay, so there's no paperwork yet, so I got the rest of the day off. Momo, Kira, and I went into the city to help Momo pick a birthday present out for Aizen. It was pretty boring, so I tried to think of a good name for my female protagonist in my novel. Would Lila be good? Elsa? Miko? Maybe I'll name her Yoruichi and see if Soi Fong buys out all of my novels.
Then ate at RamenRamen. Had boba. Went back to team six quarters. Talked to Martin, my stuffed monkey, about possible plot lines for "Autumn's Heated Days". Byakuya came in and I almost threw my scroll at him. He said he wanted to borrow moisturizer. Why the hell would I have moisturizer anyway? Even if I DID use Juniper and Mint Wake-Up lotion everyday, I'm not letting him use it. It's fucking MINE.
Oh, and did I mention that he walked into my room with his Ku-CHEEK-is in full view? What is he, a nudist? And if he is, why does he have to be naked around ME all the time? ARGH!
Gonna go to sleep.
Renji
11:52 PM: BYAKUYA IS OUTSIDE MY DOOR AND SLEEPWALKING NAKED. SOMEONE KILL HIM.
(A/N) If you feel sorry for Renji's naked encounters, review! Martin is willing to share banana bread with all of you!