Chapter 14: Side Effects

It hadn't hit her how lonely she was until she was back at home. It was a lot quieter than she was used to after only a few days. The radio offered some noise, as well as the chopping sound of the knife against the cutting board and the gurgling of the simmering stew, but it did little to fill the empty ever-present spaces.

It surprised her. She had been alone for years. Her parents died when she was young. She had a grandfather and a few aunts and uncles but they lived far away and rarely kept in touch. There were some friends from high school and not many boyfriends to speak of, but all of that felt like a lifetime ago. Going to school and working and trying to make it on her own… she didn't realize how much that kept her isolated until now.

She leaned against the table, wiping away the strands of hair sticking to her forehead with the back of her hand. Normal girls her age were supposed to have exciting lives; friends to call on, dates to go to. But if anything, she wished her loneliness was eased just a little bit.

It slipped. She didn't know why, but she imagined him in the kitchen with her. Working quietly by the sink, sleeves rolled up and tie slack, just as he was the other night.

Someone to cook with; to cook for.

Her heart gave a strange tug and she sucked in her breath to calm herself down. It was such an odd thought that she busied herself by making the carrot slices perfect to keep from dwelling on it any longer.

He woke up sometime in the middle of the night.

"Another nightmare?"

He shifted in bed. "I'm too old to have nightmares," he said, his voice rough with sleep.

His eyes adjusted to the dark. She was propped up in bed, peering down at him with a slight smile. "Bad dream, then?"

"The worst."

"Mm. Want to talk about it?"

"You were dead."

There was a thoughtful silence. "Did you see me die? Was it horrible? Were there evil robots or vicious bears?"

He looked at her blankly. "Not funny."

She chuckled. "Okay, I'll be serious. What happened?"

"I don't really remember. I didn't see you die, but you weren't there. I just knew. It felt so real."

Her fingers threaded through his hair in a comforting rhythm, making him feel like a child again. "Well, it's over now."

"I can't help but think…"

"What?"

He sighed, closing his eyes. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

Her hands stilled for a moment. "Hatori, you lived without me before. I'm sure you could do it again."

He didn't know why, but for that fleeting moment, her voice had lost its warmth. She quickly amended it. "I mean, I'm not much of a cook or housekeeper. Maybe I'm just a diversion for you, but I'm sure any other nice girl off the street could be the same," she said teasingly.

A strange feeling prickled the back of his neck. He opened his eyes to see her looking away, an odd smile twisting her lips. "What are you talking about?" he asked.

"I'm only saying, your life won't be over if mine was." She sank into bed, still distant even when she turned her face so that they were staring at each other, noses just inches apart. "If it was up to me, we'd be together forever but you never know. Anything could happen…"

He stroked her cheek with his thumb and let it trail down to her jaw. "Weren't you supposed to be the optimist in our relationship?"

She cracked a small smile. "It looks like you didn't marry the woman you thought you knew."

"I still love her all the same."

There was that look again. Her eyes were studying him, clouded and flat. She leaned forward to kiss him softly. "Go back to sleep, silly. And no bad dreams this time."

His arm was still stretched over the vacant spot beside him in the morning.

He didn't allow himself to lie in bed and mull over it. He got up and fell into his usual morning routine without missing a beat. At the edge of his consciousness, however, it did seep in randomly, pressingly.

With his memory of her slowly deteriorating, this was startling clear; somehow real and unreal. He couldn't tell if it had been a dream or a flashback. They had hundreds of conversations like that in bed but he couldn't place if that one had really taken place or not. Perhaps it was only a figment of his imagination, trying to assuage him of the strange guilt he had been feeling lately.

Whatever it was, he kept it far at bay; that and ghostly imprint of her lips on his.

When he greeted her at the door, he saw a large brown shopping bag at her side. It looked heavy the way her arm sagged with its weight.

"Let me carry that for you," he said, once she turned after locking the door.

"Thank you." She carefully transferred it to his hand. "I don't think I could have made it down carrying it."

They slowly went down the wet flight of the stairs. The cord straps cut into his palm. He heard a weighted shifting noise with each slight movement. "What is this, anyway?"

"It's food," she said cheerfully.

He looked down at the bulging bag. "Have you packed for a picnic?"

"It's lunch, one for me and one for you. I also included some of the extra stew I made last night for dinner."

"Tohru, this is… "

She looked up at him. It had begun to snow lightly and large white flakes were getting trapped on her long, dark lashes. "You don't like stew? How silly of me. I should've asked before…"

"I meant to say, this is very kind of you, but you're not obligated to feed me every time we see each other," he said, sounding slightly embarrassed.

"'Obligated'?" She pondered the word. They reached the car but stood still with the snow falling thickly now. "But 'obligated' makes it sound like I don't want to, which isn't true. Are you obligated to drive me to work everyday?"

"Of course not. I don't mind it at all. The drive is boring and you're doing me a favor by keeping me company."

She smiled. "It's the same for me. I love to cook, but I always end up making more than I can eat by myself. You're doing me a favor, if you think about it."

"Am I?" His breath crystallized in the air on that last note. He searched her eyes, as if he was trying to glean some truth from them. After months and months of it, he was beginning to hate the pitied looks and gestures that seemed to follow him wherever he went, but it was absent here. Tohru Honda was nothing but a kind girl with the purest intentions.

She picked up the phone on the fourth ring, fumbling a bit as she was in the middle of searching for a document in the filing cabinet. "Dr. Hatori Sohma's office, how may I help you?"

"Ah, Tohru. It's Shigure."

"Hello Shigure!" She brightened at hearing his voice. "Hatori isn't in right now. Did you want to leave a message?"

"As it turns out, I wanted to speak to you."

"Oh? Is something the matter?"

"No, nothing like that. I understand you're on your lunch break in about half an hour. How would you like to make a lunch date with me in my office? I wanted to show you something."

"Sure! I would love to have lunch with you," she said, feeling the slightest bit puzzled.

"Perfect. I'll see you later, then." The other line cut off with a click and then static.

The girl left the office, oblivious to Mayuko's eyes trained on her from the adjacent hallway. 'So this is Tohru.'

She had been expecting someone pretty in flashy way, one of those arrogant youths with too much makeup and styling product in their hair. But this girl looked like a child. Her face was too plain, too sweet. Hatori, she was sure, wasn't interested in women like that.

She felt relief in spite of her initial disappointment. Shigure couldn't be serious when he called her a romantic interest. This Tohru was nothing like Kana, who had been classically beautiful and had a magnetic personality. The comparisons made by everyone in the hospital, now debunked, began to irritate her.

Hatori was leaving the office too. She waved him over.

"Good afternoon," she said, smiling as he neared.

"Good afternoon." It looked anything but. He seemed distracted.

"Are you feeling alright?"

"I'm fine." He shook his head, as if it was a trivial thing, but she knew better.

"Do you want to sit down somewhere and talk? I'll bring the coffee." She gazed at him imploringly, lightly resting her fingertips on his elbow.

He checked his watch. "I'm sorry. I have a meeting in three minutes." He paused briefly, and added, "But tonight after work, if you're free…"

She felt so relieved she let a smile slip through. "Same place, same time?"

"He looks so young!" Tohru's eyes were wide in astonishment. She flipped another page. "You all do!"

"Well, these pictures are about ten years old," he said with a smile.

They were both sitting on the floor of his office, surrounded by their lunch and several picture albums spread out.

After speaking to Ayame the night before, he went up to his attic to root around for some of the albums he kept; the leather jackets gone dusty from being untouched all this time. He thought after hearing all of those stories, she would like to see some old photographs to better visualize the trio in the younger years.

He acted as a skilled tour guide through the pages upon pages of history dutifully documented throughout the years.

"The fruits of Ayame's first play; I cut the fabric myself... Me, at an awards banquet for a short story I published. Don't I look especially handsome? Student council. Hatori made a very good vice president—he had to or else Ayame would have run the place to the ground… And graduation! It was a nice conclusion to the terribly boring years in school. I only survived because of these two," he said, tapping the picture. He closed the book. "I'll bring more next time. You still have yet to witness such exciting episodes as Hatori's broken arm and the time I wore a superhero costume on the first day of school."

She laughed. "Why did you do that?"

"To be brave, of course."

"How about that one?" she asked, pointing to a slim white book hiding underneath a larger brown one. "I don't think we've gone through it yet."

Shigure's smile faltered. "Oh. How did that get in there?"

Tohru pulled it out and opened it up. She stared at the first page for a good moment before quickly retracting her hand, as if she had been burned. "Wedding pictures," she managed in a quiet voice.

He raked his fingers through his hair and put on an easy air. "Yes. I thought it was best to hold on to it while Hatori recovers, you know? He's tragically sentimental underneath it all." He paused. "You can look through them. They're quite nice pictures."

"I don't know if I could," she murmured, sitting back without quite taking her eyes off of it.

"Well, if you ever want to take a second look at these, I'll keep them in my office. You're welcome to them any time."

Tohru drummed her fingers on her desk. Every effort in steeling herself for productivity ended up in drifting in a dreamlike state, staring off into window across the room.

She thought about the time when she lost her mother. It had not been too long ago.

It had been a difficult time for her. She found herself crying at the slightest provocation; from hearing someone with the same name mentioned in passing to seeing another woman on the street with her exact shade of fiery red hair. But in time, it passed. The tears, no matter how bitter, slowly eased the pain. She stayed with her grandfather for a month and with his gentle guidance, she moved on and was able to finish high school.

She knew it would be too simplistic of her to try to relate to his pain. He had lost a wife. She couldn't begin to understand what that was like for someone like him. But she could sense that something was wrong by the way he pretended everything was all right. His cool demeanor, pressed clothes, and distant eyes… Only now did she realize it was an illusion cobbled together in grief.

The real Hatori was buried somewhere in there. Responsible and serious still; the one who smiled and made jokes, the one who showed up occasionally in pieces of conversation and recollections.

'If only there was something I could do…' But she knew that it was not her place to interfere. The best she could do right now, Tohru reminded herself firmly, was to help him in her secretarial duties, to be kind to him.

But when she remembered those strange thoughts she had the night before, it only served to make her cheeks hot and her thoughts jumble up.

She didn't notice that someone was standing in the doorway until a polite cough caught her attention.

"Busy working?" asked Uo, grinning. "That explains why we missed you at lunch today."

Tohru straightened up and smiled nervously. Her mother always said that her face was like an open book and she wondered just how much Uo had read. "I'm sorry! Something came up and I…"

The blonde girl shrugged. "No need to explain. I just wanted to ask if you were free tonight. We usually go out to dinner and drinks Fridays after work and if you come along, you can join in on the fun; off-key karaoke, free drinks from creepy strangers, and making sure Motoko goes home in one piece."

There was a stunned pause before Tohru responded, sounding just as incredulous as she felt. "…Really?"

"Well, it's not everyone's definition of fun but…"

"No, I'm just surprised… I-I'd love to. It sounds great," she finished lamely.

Uo smiled. "Then it's settled. When are you finished with work?"

"Six o'clock."

"Perfect, that's when our shifts end tonight."

"Um, I'm not sure if I'm really dressed right for going out, though." She took a second look at her silk blouse and gray blazer and skirt. Much too stuffy for any of the things Uo had mentioned.

"You can borrow whatever you need from us. We keep a few spare things in the lockers downstairs for just the occasion." She winked mischievously. "See you at six. We'll wait for you in the lobby and then bring you to get changed."

Once she left, Tohru returned to her work, feeling industrious at last with the promise of a fulfilling night ahead of her.

A/n: Long overdue. I don't know if anyone still keeps up with this but I hate leaving things undone and will try to complete it. :)

- Chiisana inori