Sorry, this was supposed to be a one shot but it got a little longer than I expected. Very little plot, very little originality and very little substance. In fact, very little of anything at all. Here purely to waste your time. Have fun.

Neon Genesis: Evangelion owned by Bandai © 1998 – 2005.

Oh yeah, this is yaoi. Homophobics go fuck yourself.

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raspberries

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"Hey, Ikari, how's it going?" Toji rocked up next to me. "How was your weekend?"

"Hm? Oh, alright ... a bit boring." I shrugged and opened my locker, trying to look neither not too interested nor too bored. "I didn't really do anything."

"Oh, great, great, and how's Misato?" Toji obviously hadn't listened to my reply.

"She's fine. Still asleep."

"Wow. You sure are one lucky guy. I bet she looks like an angel when she sleeps." Toji's mouth curved into a goofy grin and his eyes looked a little dreamy.

I thought about Misato sprawled out on her front over the futon this morning, arms and legs everywhere, the blanket draped over her backside and the pillow on the floor, drool pooling on the floor under her mouth. And not to mention the profane things she muttered in her sleep. I'd thought for a moment she'd been referring to me when she started to go off her head (still asleep) at the 'oversexed, overweight, fugly bitch of a mole.'

I decided not to say anything to Toji, though. I didn't like to ruin the poor guy's fantasy.

"Well, just another day," Toji was about to say more but spotted Hikari coming towards us. "Oh god, hide me!" He looked around frantically and threw himself under the locker benches, skidding under just before Hikari arrived.

"Hi, Ikari! Good morning, how are you? Have you seen Toji-kun? I'm sure he was over here just a minute ago."

"Suzuhara? Ah ... no, I don't think he's arrived yet. It's Monday, he ... likes to sleep in after the weekends."

"Hm. He'd better not be late!" Hikari didn't seem too depressed. "I'll see you in class, Ikari."

"Okay, um, bye!" The cheerful grin slid off my face as she turned her back to me. "Phew, thanks Shin. That was close." Toji brushed his clothes off and stretched his legs.

"You know, Hikari's a nice girl. Why do you always hide from her? You could just talk to her for once."

"Nu-uh. Girls like her are scary. They pull in guys like me just for their own benefit – if any guy ever fell into her trap he'd come out a complete and total conformist!"

"Um..." I wasn't sure what Toji was saying but I nodded anyway.

"The less time I have to spend around her the better," Toji added. He couldn't say anything else just then, because the bell went and the flock of students started to move inside to their classes, and we had to follow.

X

"Hey, Shinji! How's life?" Kensuke grinned and lifted his camera. "Say cheese!"

"Not now, Kensuke... "I sighed and put my hand in front of the camera.

"Aw, come on... "He pouted.

"Kensuke put that camera away." Hikari reprimanded him. "No cameras in class. "

"Hey, leave him alone," muttered Toji.

"Suzuhara, you shouldn't encourage him," Hikari added, looking disapprovingly at him. "Yeah, yeah," Toji sighed. "Don't you have other people to boss around?"

Hikari flushed and her cheeks brightened; she turned on her heel and flounced off to her group of friends.

"Toji, why'd you have to be so mean? Can't you just be a little nice to her?" I don't usually interfere with things like this but Hikari had looked quite hurt.

"She didn't have to stick her nose into other people's business," Toji retorted although he sounded remorseful. Kensuke just shrugged and nodded.

The teacher strode in and the chatter of the class slowly died down as the old man blinked at us drearily from behind the dusty glasses. "Good morning everyone," he said in a loud voice. "I swear he's gonna croak it doing that one day," Kensuke hissed. Hikari shot him a dirty look and he rolled his eyes, standing up with the rest of the class and responding, "Good morning sensei."

"Ah, yes. We have a new student today." The teacher gestured at somebody who had been standing in the door but now came forward timidly. "This is Kaworu Nagisa. He'll be your new classmate and I expect everyone to welcome him as warmly as they can."

"He looks like a weed to me," Toji hissed under his breath. "Do you even know what a weed is?" Kensuke hissed back haughtily. Toji shut his mouth and glared at Kensuke.

I didn't hear them, staring instead at the new kid. He was slim and not very tall – only a little taller than me, I guessed. He had silvery straw coloured hair, feathery and unruly and sticking out around his ears, and pale skin, but his eyes were a dark striking red that somehow seemed to pierce deep inside when they caught your attention, and he held himself in this lazy but confident manner, his smile reflecting the lazy confidence. He was quite beautiful...

"Please sit here, Kaworu. Next class you may sit wherever you like." The teacher indicated a seat up the front that was (obviously) empty and Nagisa nodded.

Although I spent a good part of the lesson looking at Kaworu, the lesson seemed to fly by. All classes do, for me. A lot of them just pass without anything going into my head, because I'm concentrating on other things, and I don't learn an awful lot at those times. I don't know why – maybe things have just lost meaning. But it doesn't matter that much, does it? Life isn't about the things we learn and what we can do with them. Life is strange (yeah, like you didn't already know that). People try to find out what it means, but I think that's a pretty stupid thing to do. There isn't much to do. Life tends to be about pretending that it is actually worth something, and ignoring that inevitable end called death, pretending it's not constantly staring you in the face.

Mind you, I guess for someone like me not many things have meaning anyway. It's one of those perspective things. It all depends on how you look at it. Right?

Well, before I knew it, recess had come. I didn't even work in class. I couldn't. I can never sit and concentrate in class properly. Not with the recurring scenes in my head that seem to loop forever and ever – even when I sleep, and then it's worse, because I can't wake up and say that it really was all a dream, because it's not. Even when I'm with friends, I can't seem to completely forget. The colour has leaked a little, like sepia photographs, and it's a little melted around the edges, but it's not enough to fade away completely. You know, if only there had been something I could have done, if only I hadn't been so stupid and slow and dumb and – no. Can't think about that now! I don't want to, remember?

I pushed the thought away, another feeble attempt to hide away what would always be glaringly obvious. As the bell went I stood up automatically, going through the motions without feeling. The chatter of the students just blurred in my ears to a slurred hum, meaningless and annoying, like insects.

"Oh, you dropped something," Kensuke's voice rose above the buzzing and I looked up, expecting the something to be given back to me, but instead saw Kensuke handing the new kid a book. For once, I wasn't the one who'd dropped something, which made a change. Often I was so preoccupied, or just so out of it, that I dropped everything clumsily, in a daze, and Kensuke would always sigh and pick it up for me.

"World War II? You like history?"

"Ah, actually I was reading it for background information on politics," the new boy replied quietly. He had an incredibly silky voice, which was somehow deep and mature, yet young and boyish at the same time, and instantly I wanted to hear him speak more. I found myself drowning in that voice, losing my surroundings just listening. Sounds kind of pathetic, doesn't it? But it's true. He had the most amazing voice, one that could send me to sleep if I were just lying in the grass listening to it. It seemed to make me feel sweet for just a short moment. One sound that could make me feel happy just for a short moment.

"Aw, that's a shame. I'm Kensuke," Kensuke stuck out a hand and the other boy took it a little uncertainly. "I'm Kaworu Nagisa."

"And this is Toji and Shinji," Kensuke added, gesturing at us. Toji leaned back casually, trying to give off that cool attitude that he always tried to maintain and gave Kaworu a cool once over – Kaworu smiled back and it was that lazy, confident smile that was so reassuring and charismatic. Toji blushed, which was quite a rarity, and glanced at me. Kaworu's eyes followed Toji's and when they made contact with mine, I felt something shoot through me like an electric shock or something.

Dark red eyes, so clear and bright ... drowning.

I smiled weakly and whispered, "Nice to meet you. I'm Shinji."

"Come on, let's go, I'm starving," Toji complained. "Toji-kun! There you are! I made you a lunch," Hikari came over and handed a box wrapped up in a blue and white handkerchief.

"You made me a lunch?" Toji looked at the little parcel in his hands. "Uh, wow, thanks Hikari ... you didn't have to, you know …"

Hikari blushed suddenly and said hastily, "Well, you never seem to eat anything decent so I thought that I'd better make you something."

She looked at the ground, hands behind her back and she stepped to the side, glancing up quickly and noticing Kaworu. "Oh, hi, I'm Horaki Hikari. Class monitor. Nice to meet you."

Kaworu smiled back. "You too, Hikari-san." As she hurried away Kensuke looked over Toji's shoulder and whistled. "Wow, wish I had class rep making lunch for me. You're one lucky guy, Toji."

Toji rolled his eyes. "Yeah, it's probably poisoned or something. She doesn't have to baby me, and she doesn't have to keep pretending that she's watching out for everyone. We are in high school now. She doesn't have to constantly mother us. It's annoying me."

I felt it was more than that. Toji really didn't have anything decent for lunch usually anyway. It had been a really nice thing for Hikari to do.

Then again, I do know that Hikari has a huge crush on Toji ... However, I'm not one to meddle.

"Well, come on and you can try it," Kensuke suggested. "Come on, Kaworu." Kaworu looked a little surprised at Ken's openness. "Oh, thank you." And for some weird reason, I felt nervous. No, not nervous. Or maybe apprehension? No ... But I felt something.

X

"Er, I was wondering, I mean I don't know if you live nearby or anything but if you want to ..." I didn't know why I was finding myself inviting Kaworu into my life. I make a habit of avoiding relationships. I don't know, it's almost as if I'm afraid of people, I guess.

Okay, I lie, I am afraid of people.

But Kaworu, there was something about him that I just couldn't help being drawn to ... "If you want to come by one day or something, you know." I was tripping over my words here, and it was difficult to just ask him casually if he'd like to come over sometime.

Kaworu smiled again and I felt my heart go faster. What was this, the latest "Ways to Get Shinji's Heart Racing?" That smile was just so entrancing ... "Thanks, Ikari-san."

"Shinji's fine." Wow, I seem to be getting very friendly very quickly. Since when did I let myself be so open with people? Strangers?

Then again, I'm afraid of people mostly, but I didn't feel afraid of Kaworu. Wonder why.

"Then thank you, Shinji."

Wonder where he lives. He could live really close and I wouldn't know it. Misato would know. She pays attention to these sorts of things. I should talk with her.

I swung my bag to the floor and walked in quietly, shutting the door silently. I heard a distracted mumble suddenly and then a loud curse. Walking into the kitchen, I found Misato standing over a pot on the stove from which thick white smoke was rising. "Ermm …"

Misato waved a paper fan over the smoke, choked, turned around and spotted me. "Oh, hello Shinji. How was your day? I just finished making some soup," she smiled, and grabbed a bowl, brushing violet hair out of her face.

"Er, is it ... that?" I indicated the steaming pot. Misato's cooking is not to be trusted. I mean, it's a lovely thought and all, but Misato can't cook. And I say that with the utmost affection.

"Yeah, nice and warm. It was a cold day today for spring, wasn't it?" Misato waved a few more fumes away before scooping several ladles into the bowl she held. Plonking it down in front of me, she sat opposite me and placed her chin on her hands. "So, what did you do today?"

"Not much. We got a new kid, though. His name's Kaworu." I didn't even pretend to touch the crusty mess in the bowl. Misato had only made it out of kindness. She didn't really expect me to eat it.

"Nice kid?"

"Yeah, he's really nice. I don't know if he lived around here ... have you seen him before? I forgot to ask if he's from around here."

"What does he look like?"

"He's got pale hair and dark red eyes. And a really nice smile," I added on without really thinking. Misato must have noticed this but didn't say anything, dismissing it as my nature to pick out the nice features of people first, probably. She's like that. And besides, I don't really like remembering people by their worst qualities. "No, I don't think I have. Invite him back here some time."

"Yeah ..." I nodded, my mind wandering again.

X

I've never really thought about people much, now I consider it. I mean, there are my friends, of which there are only a few, but I've never really thought about … how pathetically afraid I am and all. You know, it's like a hedgehog relationship. The closer we get, the more we hurt each other. Drive it deeper the closer you get. It's true, too.

But today, when I saw Kaworu ... I realised, I've never even looked at people in that light. By that I mean I've never thought about what they really mean to me. I've just been so occupied with pushing them away that I never got to see what they might be like inside. After meeting Kaworu, I feel somehow drawn to him. Attracted. I don't know what it is, seeing as I hardly know him, but he's just so laid back and friendly and acceptant that I can't help but like him.

But ... I'm still afraid of getting to know him. I'm so weak. I'm always afraid of people. I don't know why. Maybe because I'm terrified of what people can do to you. Maybe because I don't want to be shot down, don't want people to tell me what they think of me. It sort of feels like my body is just waiting to be cut off from my emotions when I think people are going to hurt me, like a defence – wait, that doesn't even make sense, does it? Nothing does, except for the times that I actually bother to think about it properly. I don't, though. I'm afraid of what I might find. I'm afraid of everything, really. Even Kaworu.

But there's something about him that I'm drawn to, impossibly, just something that tells me there's another emotion overriding fear...

All this while, I'm lying on top of my bed, staring up at the ceiling, listening to my tape. It soothes me, listening to music. Classical music. It makes me feel calm and like I belong, somehow. How? Don't know. Maybe it's the flawless, streaming way that it fluctuates and creates emotions.

Or maybe just because I'm boring and I'm a loser.

You know, all this thinking doesn't do me any good. Really. It's just because of – what happened. I try to distract myself from thinking about it. It's funny. I've never told anybody anything about it. If somebody asks me where my parents are, I just tell them that they died when I was a child.

Which is the truth.

But I don't tell them about the flash of silver, about the spurts of red that spray over my face, about the hands grabbing me or the pleas that scream in my ears. It's enough to drive anybody insane, what with images of that in your head. See? Now you know why I think so much. Otherwise the scenes just pop up of their own accord and start playing, and that's one of the worst things that can happen. As long as I can be distracted by everything else, it will be all right. I can keep running.

X

No wonder I always think of Kaworu. How could I not? We just had to have sports class the next day. So of course, I dressed up in my sports uniform – or at least I started to, but Kaworu just had to follow me because he didn't know where the change rooms were. And of course he changed right next to me and I swear to you, if that body was not the most attention-seeking body I have ever seen then eat me alive. The worst part is that even now I can remember how it went.

First he stripped off his shirt, and I wasn't going to watch until I accidentally happened to glance at him, and then I have a horrible feeling that I actually stared with my mouth open. I think he noticed too. But he didn't say anything and just undressed right down to his boxers, right next to me, brushing against me as he moved.

Then he dressed himself, snapping me out of my daze and I had to get dressed as well, then we went out to do whatever sports we were supposed to.

Kaworu's damn good at soccer. I'm not too bad at it myself, (even if I do say so) but we were on opposing teams and he proved quite a match for me. By the end of it we were both sweating like the taps weren't ever going to turn off. Needless to say I played out my stare and gawk routine again, but I don't know if he noticed this time. It's strange; I never really looked at anybody in the same way. I just never found anybody appropriate to look at.

I mean, Toji has Misato to lust after, and Kensuke has the whole class of girls to gape at, but I never found girls – or any boys, either – very interesting. Perhaps it's just because I'm still suffering from the shock that Kaworu's red eyes will do, because they're so piercing. Yeah, that must be the reason. I just hope he doesn't notice … as long as I can refrain from doing it too openly and obviously …

"Shinji! Oi, Shinji! Wake up! Why are you zoning out on me again?" Toji clicked his fingers right in my eyes to break me out of my thoughts. He glanced in the direction I was gazing and rolled his eyes. "Can't keep your eyes off him, can you?"

"What?" I blinked, looking at him with confusion. Toji just laughed at me.

"Hey, look at this!" Kensuke dropped out of nowhere over my shoulder, shoving the camera screen in my face. Toji leaned in eagerly, anticipating another Kensuke-pervert session (usually which included some sneaky footage of change rooms or the like) but instead we got a rather nicely done scene of Kaworu, chatting and smiling, and laughing.

"He's really photogenic, ain't he?" Kensuke breathed, admiring his camera work. "I got this while he was talking with Hikari. It's great for practicing juxtaposition!"

"Yeah, I'm sure it is great for ju ... whatever," Toji said hastily, but continued, "What did he say to Hikari?"

Kensuke shrugged. "Couldn't get close enough to hear. I was hiding in some trees." He grinned and did his Eagle Cadet imitation again – Kensuke has an obsession with the air force. He plans to join it after he leaves school. Of course, he claims that all the stealth 'training' also helps when he's trying to get tricky footage. Personally I think it's just pure luck that he hasn't been caught yet. But it does make me worry about what sort of stuff he's got on me. You can never tell with him.

Kensuke stopped the improvisation and raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why did you want to know what he's saying to Hikari?"

Toji gave him an incredulous look that clearly said, 'because! That's why!' and answered, "I was just asking! Is there anything wrong with that?"

"Hey, Kensuke," Kaworu suddenly appeared in front of us. I don't know where he came from but he had this habit of appearing silently and you wouldn't notice him until the last second. "I've been meaning to ask you. Why do you always carry that thing around with you?"

"My camera? Look, I got a few shots of you," Kensuke showed him eagerly. I half expected him to be angry or annoyed that Kensuke had spied on him but he just threw his head back and laughed that beautiful laugh. It was amazing to watch him laugh; it was as if when Kaworu was happy or delighted, the whole world was laughing with him.

I've got to stop this fixation with him. It's not doing me any good – if anything, it simply makes me even more confused in general about everything. Kaworu is just a permanent source of trouble for me.

"I see. You're going to be a movie director, are you?" His eyes sparkled with mischief. Kensuke nodded enthusiastically. "Definitely."

"Are you guys done? I want to go play basketball," Toji whined suddenly. When he gets bored, which is quite often considering how short his attention span is, he never shuts up. If he starts whining the only way to get him to stop is to basically give in and do whatever it is that he wants. It's like a little child's nagging – the stubbornness overrides all logic. So, him having just started whining, we all went to play basketball.

Unfortunately Toji likes to show off when he's playing basketball, mainly because he's so tall, so a group of people came to watch. Also, to make things worse, the Kaworu fan club had followed us. In the few days that I've known him, practically the whole female population of my school has fallen for him.

Not that I blame them. Kaworu is pretty charming.

But he didn't take any interest in them at all, and hadn't done so as of yet. Which leads me to wonder. Perhaps he isn't interested in girls.

But I wasn't allowed to continue any further with that thought because the basketball came flying towards me and by an incredible fluke my hands just managed to catch it before it bashed my nose through the back of my head and into my brain.

Well, maybe that's a slight exaggeration. But I'm sure that that's what it would have done given the chance.

Anyway, I suddenly remembered where I was and what I was doing and in a panic, I threw the ball to Toji who happened to be on the opposing 'team' (one team being me and Kaworu, the other being Kensuke and Toji) without even realizing it. That's how distracted I get. Luckily Kaworu was on his feet and in the air and had caught it before Toji could even begin to raise his hands and then it was through the hoop by some miracle of nature.

And then the bell was going and everybody was leaving and it was suddenly just him and me. I don't know how it happened or why, and afterwards I did sort of wonder where Toji and Kensuke had disappeared off to. It was almost as if they'd purposely gone to leave me alone with the red-eyed enigma. Like a conspiracy. What were they trying to imply, anyway?

"Uh, thanks for saving my pass," I stuttered, suddenly feeling extremely awkward and embarrassed. Kaworu gave me a crooked smile and I nearly dropped dead from the sheer halt my heart came to. I'm not a pervert by nature, but that smile just seemed to make me think of naughty things whether I wanted to or not. "It was nothing. You were just a bit distant, that's all. I could see you weren't interested in the game."

"What? Oh, I was, I –"

"You were thinking about something else, weren't you?"

Oh yeah. I was thinking about whether or not you're gay. "Um, yeah, I guess I was a little distracted."

"You think a lot. Do you have a lot on your mind?"

What the? This was freaky. It was like he was reading my mind.

"I think we should get to class before the teacher gives us a detention," was my hasty response. I didn't particularly want to end up revealing something horribly embarrassing in front of Kaworu. The way he was unsettling me, I'd probably gush out my life story to him without even realising it.

X

"Misato! You home?" I turned to Kaworu. "Sorry, she can be a little deaf sometimes. " Raising my voice I shouted a little louder, "Misato!!"

She is deaf, honestly. I shouted and she still didn't hear me. Misato has selective hearing. Whether she hears you or not will depend on what she's doing. It's one of the more extreme measures of self defence, I guess. If you can't block them out of your mind then block them out physically rather than mentally. It's a good idea to be able to not hear people at the right times. But I wouldn't be able to do it.

"I brought a friend home ... " I muttered, not expecting her to hear.

Misato's head popped out from her bedroom. "Oh, hi, Shinji!" Her face took on that sweet smile that always makes me think she's especially delighted to see me, even though I know it's very often strained and difficult for her to maintain that façade of calm, happy, contentment. She tries so hard.

I heard a packet of food being kicked quickly out of the way as she slid the door shut behind her and I knew she'd been eating in her room again. Don't ask me why she does it. One of those compulsive eating disorders. Something to help her forget her own problems.

"Oooh, who's this?"

I sincerely hoped right then that Misato wouldn't scare my new friend away. One of my only friends. She can be really frightening sometimes, even though she means well. "Hi, I'm Kaworu!" Kaworu saved me from making an idiot of myself by introducing himself. "It's nice to meet you, Misato. " He smiled (I love it when he smiles) and Misato smiled back a little weakly, turning to me and hissing none too discretely, "Nice catch, Shinji!"

I have never been more embarrassed in my life. Why she had to go and say that I will never know. Thank god Kaworu didn't notice. "Misato, we're going to go do some homework together, " I said hurriedly, my face bright red.

"Okay!" She winked. "Have fun!"

I groaned and told myself that later, when we were alone, I would kill her.

But right now I didn't have to worry about those things, because Kaworu was in my house, in my room, sitting next to me. No, I had other things to worry about. Like why I felt excited about Kaworu sitting near me when I've dreaded anybody coming near me for the past five years. Okay, just don't do anything stupid, Shinji. Just act normal. Normal.

"I like your room." Idle talk. I didn't know how to respond to it, so I just mumbled something equally as idle in return. "Huh? Oh ... yeah, it does me okay."

"Thanks for inviting me."

I shrugged. It's already getting awkward. "Uh, sure, no problem ... um, wanna sit down?" I offered him a chair but he declined, asking, "Can we just sit on the floor?"

This freaked me out to no end. Usually when I'm doing homework I spread it out on the floor in front of me and lie on my stomach. I'm the only person I know who does homework on the floor – apparently it's bad for your back and it hurts your ribs. Nobody else is crazy enough to ignore a desk and chair.

However, it seemed Kaworu did. Either it was a strange, scary coincidence that he just happened to do his homework on the floor, like me, or there was more to this kid than he was letting on. I figured it was the latter – several times, it had seemed to me like he knew exactly what was going on in my head. He knew me better than myself by now already, but I hadn't ever known myself that well in the first place, so it didn't really matter.

"If you want." I tried to act oblivious.

I plopped down on the floor next to him and took out my homework. Since when was there so much? Kaworu might have to stay until dinner. Christ – don't think about that!

"Okay, what's first, Shin?" He called me Shin? No! Dear god, don't think about it! He was just being friendly! Nothing more, nothing less, don't get excited just because he called you by your nickname!

"Math. I don't understand it at all," I managed to recover my senses. I had the feeling that Kaworu was smart. He rarely spoke in class, unless it was to myself or Toji or Kensuke, but he always seemed to finish early and he always got things right when the teacher asked him. It reminded me of myself a little, the way he worked silently with his head down so as not to attract attention, just seeking to hide from everyone around him. Afraid of people, covering up from them.

Okay, maybe not to that extent. But he wasn't a show-off. "I'll help you then," he offered. See? I told you. He's very smart.

"So, how old is Misato?" Kaworu asked casually as we both worked on the floor.

"Twenty something," I muttered, concentrating. Kaworu didn't reply and after looking up I met a quizzical look. "Er, sorry, twenty six," I confirmed with a slight pang of disappointment. Was he interested in Misato, then?

"Does she have any siblings?" Okay, maybe he was interested in siblings of hers. Younger sisters or something. Misato was very popular with the boys.

I shook my head. "No, she's looked after me only."

Wait. I told him that? I never tell people things like that. Especially people I've only known for a few days. It takes years before I can trust somebody enough to tell them the truth, and only a few people know it, mostly through necessity; for instance, school administration. "Why does it matter?" I snapped, suddenly rather testy. Kaworu was unfazed by this and simple said thoughtfully, "You seem very close, you two."

What was that supposed to mean? "Is that good or bad?"

"Oh, it's good. It means you have a very strong relationship. She takes good care of you."

"More like I take good care of her," I muttered, shoving my math book out of the way as I finished the page.

Kaworu laughed again. Damn, he laughs so much. Makes me want to just steal that laugh forever.

Actually, at that moment, I was getting a dreadful urge to touch Kaworu. Somewhere, anywhere, just stroke that pale marble skin and put it against my cheek. Sounds sick, right? It was so strange. I know, Christ I know, it was weird and not to mention perverted. But it was like a disease hanging over me – I couldn't make it go away, couldn't ignore it. Just act normal, Shin ... Shit, why did he call me that? Actually, why am I worrying about it so much?

"Let's take a break," he said thoughtfully.

"What? We only just started!" "Never mind. I don't want to start my next assignment just yet. " His tone was one not to be argued with. I hadn't pictured him as the stubborn type but evidently, if the time called for it, he could be. He lifted his head and propped his chin on his hands, looking at me intently. Dear lord. At that moment, I didn't know what I wanted to do more. Look away and blush like crazy, hoping that he'd stop looking, or just pin him to the floor and stare back into his red eyes without blinking.

As it turned out, I ended up doing a combination – staring back without blinking whilst blushing like crazy, hoping that he'd stop looking. He looked faintly amused, but I didn't know if it was because of my apparent discomfort or something else.

He said at length, "Shinji, what are you running from?" I stared back suddenly stunned. What did he mean?

But he only waited for me to answer, fixing me with that cool gaze that made me feel hot and flushed and from which I couldn't break away. "I ... don't understand," I offered lamely after much deliberation. "What are you talking about?" I tried to sit up but my body wouldn't move from where it was on the floor.

"You're so afraid," he whispered, lightly touching my cheek with his fingers. If that didn't reduce me to a trembling bundle of wide-eyed paralysed idiocy then I don't know anything that could have. His touch was cool and feather soft, almost like it wasn't there. I swallowed, willing my hands not to move. Just be normal, Shinji, just be normal...

"Even now, you're afraid, " he added sadly, drawing away slightly and sitting cross-legged.

Furrowing my brow, I snapped back to my senses, yanked back to reality by the loss of his touch. "What do you mean? I'm not afraid. I don't know what you're talking about, Kaworu. "

He just sat there, waiting, in the dim light of my bedroom, and it was almost as if his body language was screaming to me, 'you're lying! You're lying and we both know it!'

"Your eyes are hurt. They're beautiful ... but they're pained."

What? This was getting out of hand. I couldn't take much more of him talking like that without doing something stupid which I would almost certainly regret later. Whether it be exploding at him in a fit of suddenly expressed bottled-up rage and anger, or jumping on him and devouring him whole, I knew that I couldn't let either happen. Trying to mask my hysteria with a barely controlled voice I sat up on my heels and demanded, "Stop talking in riddles! Explain yourself!"

"I'm only waiting for you to explain yourself," he replied patiently, and his dark red eyes pierced me, searching, almost as if he didn't need the answers. By this time we were close enough that I could have leant forwards and rested my head on his shoulder, and it didn't help that I was now becoming awkwardly hot, the temperature in the room appearing to climb of its own accord.

"Explain myself? I think you could do the same!" I raised my voice even though it wasn't necessary since Kaworu was close enough he that was almost touching me.

The sound of the door sliding open made me look up (although Kaworu didn't even flinch or move) and Misato walked in with a tray of sushi. Upon finding us sitting practically in each other's laps, just staring at one another and not moving, she immediately backed out with wide eyes, placing the tray on the floor and stuttering, "Oh, I'm so sorry, please excuse me, I didn't mean to –"

"It's alright, Misato. I was just leaving." Kaworu stood up with that same cool, graceful elegance that seems to radiate from him permanently, not in the least deterred by her sudden appearance, and nodded at her. "Thanks for letting me come over here." He turned to me without missing a beat, his expression exactly the same as it had been a minute ago – intense yet relaxed, deep, burning, and then he had packed up his homework and gone. Misato watched him go out the door with a dazed look and then sank to her knees. "Oh, I'm so sorry Shinji! I really didn't mean to intrude on you two, I just thought I'd bring you a little snack, but – oh, I'm terribly sorry, he's left now because of me, hasn't he?"

Once again, I was torn between two emotions – one being relief that Misato had intervened before Kaworu had managed to worm any painful memories out of me, and the other being anger and disappointment that Misato had intervened before anything had really happened, if you get my drift. But I answered hastily, "No, Misato, it wasn't what you think! We weren't – doing – anything like what you think, it was just –" She cut me off, saying dreamily, "My Shinji's getting all grown up, and he's already starting to outgrow me ... soon he'll leave me ... he's growing up so fast ..."

"Misato, cut that out, will you? We weren't doing anything and we weren't going to either!"

"So you two would have just sat like that without doing anything, is that it?" Misato raised an eyebrow. I turned bright red and haughtily replied, "We were just debating about something, that's all." She didn't need to know what I'd been thinking as Kaworu drew nearer and nearer.

She eyeballed me and stood up with a look that told me she wasn't satisfied. "Well, I'm going to get us some take out dinner, so have a shower. I want to watch our movie as soon as I get back."

Yeah, she didn't have to tell me I needed a shower. I could almost feel the nice, cold water running down me already. Of course, you and I both know that I had alternate reasons to having a shower. It's pretty hard to be in a hot room and get so close to somebody (somebody like Kaworu) that you get really worked up, and not need to go for some icy water. But Misato was going out, so it wouldn't matter to her.

"Sure, don't be too long," I said absent-mindedly, making my way for the shower. Personally she could take as long as she wanted. All the better for me.

Once I was in the bathroom I stripped off and stepped in without bothering to allow the freezing water to adjust. That was enough to help me cool down. But ... all the same, after about fifteen minutes I was watching pearly white stuff swirl down the drain in thick trails along with the cold water.

It's ironic how something like that makes me feel clean and dirty at the same time.

Luckily Misato arrived just as I was turning off the taps; after all, I wouldn't have wanted her to come home to hear the sound of somebody being tortured – or pleasured – in the shower. Definitely not. So I got dressed and left, trying to look innocent.

"Don't catch a cold from that wet hair," Misato said vaguely while getting our meal out of a bag. One of those cheap brands, the one with the fake advertising that makes you think of commercialisation and false promises. "Misato, I never dry my hair and I've never had a cold."

"That's not true. You've had plenty of colds."

"Not serious ones!" I argued, but Misato wasn't listening and hadn't been doing so. I told you. Selective hearing.

"Sit down," she ordered, handing me a plastic container with Chinese take away crammed into it. I don't know why she bothers, going to so much effort for me. I never eat very much. I just waste it. Food doesn't interest me. Mind you, not very much does, really. That's probably why Toji always makes a beeline for my lunchbox after he's finished the one that class rep makes for him almost every day.

But she did go to the effort of getting it, I guess. So I sat down in my navy cotton pyjamas and Misato sat down in her old, frayed clothes that she reserves for after work where she can just kick back and not worry about how she looks, and we watched one of those shallow movies with clichéd values being promoted, hollow acting and a skeletal storyline. A sad attempt at some form of family comfort, sitting together at dinner and watching a movie. I appreciate the efforts Misato had made. Really. I often think that she makes such a huge effort to make me feel more comfortable as an attempt to wash away her past – she uses all her time and energy doing things that allow her to forget. Misato used to work as a nurse in third world countries, but she couldn't handle the emotional stress that comes with that sort of work. We're very similar, really. Just trying to run away from our problems by covering up, hiding, running ... Wait. Hadn't Kaworu said that?

"Shinji, what are you running from?"

How had he known? How was it that he'd seemed so quietly confident and sure of himself about me?

He seemed to know me so well. We'd only known each other for perhaps a week, maybe more. But ... well, it was weird, but it was almost like he could read my mind, sometimes. Kensuke had said on more than one occasion that when I wasn't there, Kaworu would say something that would sound so much like me that it was like I was right there with them. Yeah, because he knew me better than I knew myself.

But ... Kaworu's question made me think. What was I running from?

Screaming. A heavy gasp and panting.

A flash of silver. Drawing in and out, in and out.

I look down at my hands. Red. Bright red. I look at my shirt. Red. Dark red. And my shoes, my new white sneakers. Black red. My shoes are ruined!

I knew what I was running from. And knowing that made it even harder to face up and confront it.

Feeling put off from my food now, I set my container down. "Misato, I'm not hungry. I have to do an assignment."

Misato nodded and I stood up, feeling a little heavy in the heart.

X

I wasn't looking forward to meeting Kaworu for once. Not after what happened last night. It's not that I was embarrassed about Misato walking in on us – well, granted, that had been highly embarrassing – but I just wasn't looking forwards to more soul-searching and unanswered questions and frankly, I wasn't looking forwards to meeting Kaworu. He brought up painful things. It unnerved me, the way that he could see right through me. Did that mean he could tell how I felt about him?

Good god. I hope not. Not all my thoughts of Kaworu are wholesome, if you get my message.

Although I guess it's not to be helped. I've noticed a fair few other girls gawking at him openly and sometimes when I walk past them in those little huddles that they always seem to move in, I hear them saying things.

Girls scare me. I'm awfully glad that none of them are interested in me. But still...

Anyway, I made a point of avoiding Kaworu that morning, avoiding eye contact, avoiding having to talk to him, just generally keeping away from him. I think Kensuke noticed but he was too busy sticking his camera in my face.

"Bloody hell, would you get rid of that thing?" Toji exploded as Kensuke panned from me to him. Kensuke just ignored him, of course, and zoomed in on him. Toji growled and turned away, only to come face to face with Hikari. "Suzuhara! I've got a job for you to do!" She sounded happy. Then again, class rep always sounds happy about giving other people work to do. Toji barely held back an exaggerated sigh and just said in a bored tone, "What?"

"Here. Can I get you guys to put these up around the school at recess? Thank you!" She smiled at me but I noticed that her smile faltered a little when she made eye contact with Toji – did she blush?

"What the –" Toji glanced down at the shiny papers that he'd been given. "This is – oh." He passed one to me and Kaworu, who was sitting on the other side of him. It was a flyer for a dance of some sort. No wonder Hikari had blushed when she looked at Toji.

"These are boring. Why do we advertise it? Nobody's going to come," Toji added lazily. "Let's put them up anyway, shall we?" Kaworu suggested, smoothing over the glossy sheet. Toji rolled his eyes but nodded anyway. He isn't stupid enough to decline a request made by Kaworu. Kaworu has that effect. "Kensuke, get rid of that thing and come and help us," he snapped. Kensuke drew in close for a close shot of the flyer and raised an eyebrow. "A dance? The teachers never mentioned this."

"Even if they had, would you have been listening? No! You'd be too busy thinking about your damn filming."

Kaworu had been very quiet throughout all of this. Perhaps he was contemplating which girl he would invite.

I never find social occasions like these interesting and most of the time, if I actually go, due to Misato-pressure, I spend the whole time sitting in the corner pretending I'm not there. Not that anybody notices me anyway.

"Shinji and I will put them around the lower half of the school," Kaworu suddenly spoke up. Great. He was going to corner me about the whole 'running away; thing, I could see it. Why did he care? It wasn't any of his business. Couldn't he just leave me alone to deal with it myself? Hadn't he got the message that I just didn't want to talk to him today?

But do you want him to care?

I don't know where that question came from. The answer wasn't too clear either. I have to admit, the thought that Kaworu was concerned about me and wanted to help was fairly appealing, but it was just a fantasy in my head. And I was still afraid of him. The closer we get, the more each of us will be hurt, right?

"Come on Shinji," Kaworu was somehow already at the door. "Let's go." I wouldn't have gone with him, but I didn't have a good enough excuse to not go. What could I say? "Sorry, I can't, because I'm an indecisive bastard who can't choose whether or not he wants to let you meddle in his life"?

How about no.

So I dragged myself out the door with him and followed him helplessly like a dog to his master.

Kaworu just had to make for the most desolate, unpopulated part of the school where nobody ever went. It was a whole line of buildings backed against the bushes, sloping quite steeply down into a car park fenced off below and nobody ever went there unless they desperately needed to piss and the toilet wasn't close by. He must have known how desolate it was. He wouldn't have gone there first just to put posters up. Nobody visited this area, except the gardeners and even then they avoided it, because it was pointless to do anything to tidy it up.

He put the posters on a bench, weighing them down with a rock, and walked past me to get a look at the view he could see. Not a lot, I assure you. There was silence. It was somehow a dry, crackling sort of silence like sound of dead leaves being trodden on in the autumn.

There were a few insect noises but they were hardly audible, and the yellowish light filtered through the leaves overhead gave everything a slightly nightmarish haze. Kaworu just breathed in the yellow air, looking into space absent-mindedly but eyes directed at the car park. I stood there with my hands by my sides, shifting uneasily and wondering if somehow I could walk away without him noticing. Not likely. But I didn't have to worry about it any longer, because then he turned around and I just knew that the interrogations were going to start.

"Have you thought about what I said last night?" He focussed on me with clear red eyes, demeanour laid back and as casual as if he were discussing the view he could see above the car park.

"Er – yeah, I guess."

"Are you happy with yourself?"

What? What a weird question. It was so ... well, it was cliché to say the least. And how the hell was I supposed to answer it?

I wish he wouldn't do this. Why does he do it, anyway? What sort of question was that, anyway? If anybody else had been around they might have laughed. Unfortunately, I was alone with Kaworu, and the seriousness of his question was much more real.

He stepped close and he was still staring at me. Fuck, why does he do that so much? Doesn't he have anything better to do? "Do you sleep well at night?" he asked me softly. "Do you feel comfortable with other people?" I stared back tensely. His voice dropped to a whisper. "Do you feel comfortable with yourself?"

Now, there was only one answer to all three of those questions, and it wasn't a yes.

This was scaring me, and I don't know if it was the way things were supposed to go but I know at that moment, from the time I'd met Kaworu until this moment described, that I'd been travelling a path, and it had came to two forks. The left hand side was the one on which I would find friendship with Kaworu, and we would be best friends, and I could forget about my childhood. The right hand side was the one where Kaworu's inquisitive nature and bold, brash, painful questions would force me even further into isolation and convince me ever more to be afraid of people. And I was stepping into the right fork at this very moment.

"Kaworu, I don't know you all that well, but you are freaking me out. Can you quit the spooky questions, please?" I tried to be polite. It took every miniscule grain of courage in my body to say this to him – after all, I was rejecting the object of my current teenage lust and discovery of sexuality, and the chance to ever open up to anybody what with my terrible past and all. And there was always the horrible chance that he'd get angry. And I definitely didn't want to be around Kaworu when he was angry.

After a long moment of him staring at me, and me with my cheeks burning red hot, but determined not to give in, he murmured, "I'm sorry, Shinji. I just thought it seemed that you needed help …"

"Well, I don't. I'm fine, thank you," I managed to say with dignity, but I'm pretty sure he saw through my act of bravery, just as he did everything else. He could tell that I was hiding things. Did he know what sort of things, I wondered. It wouldn't surprise me.

"I suppose we'd better finish putting these up," Kaworu finally said, nodding as if he were satisfied. He handed half of the posters to me along with some pins and I wandered listlessly into the more inhabited part of the school. I should feel happy for finally having stood up for myself. But instead I felt only a heavy sense of guilt and regret at having pushed away my only chance at a real, true friend.

And who knows? Maybe Kaworu really could have helped to me sort out all my issues and actually help me to be happy. Why, why didn't I wait to find out? I could have avoided his questions a little longer just to find out how well we got on. And even until now I had liked him very much. But then I just had to get scared and blow it all, like a soldier on the front line who screws everyone up because he gets scared and turns tail to run home.

It was pathetic, really. I'm a weakling. Always have been, am and will be.

However, Kaworu seemed indifferent. He simply stayed close to me sticking up posters where he thought they'd be seen and didn't act any differently at all. As if nothing had happened. Strange as it seemed, I felt a pang of disappointment. If he wasn't acting differently ... I'd half expected him to show some emotion at my rejection of him, but there was none. Did that mean that he really didn't care if I had rejected him? He hadn't cared in the first place and so he wasn't affected now? He was still acting the same way – it was as if nothing had happened. Maybe for him it hadn't. There was no change in his movements or expression. I'd hoped at least he might look a little upset, or angry, that I'd cut him off, but if he wasn't betraying anything, it must mean that there was nothing there to start with. Which meant that he really didn't feel anything for me at all.

And now that he'd got the message that I didn't want his help, because I'd been so insistent, he'd just give up and never try to get through. So I really had just ruined my only chance at a real friend. A real, genuine friend.

You're sad, Shinji. A sad little wretch you are. I banged my head against one of the posters I'd just pinned on the wall and pain jolted through me. Good. Just the wake up call I needed.

"Ikari! What are you doing? Don't, you'll ruin the posters," Hikari appeared from nowhere and started scolding me. "Sorry, I just needed to kill some brain cells," was my response. She snorted. "You don't need to lose any more brain cells at the rate you're going. You need the few you actually have."

" ... Thanks," I commented dryly.

"Well, we're finished. Is that all?" Kaworu had come over rather quickly when he saw Hikari – maybe he likes her? Okay, all this thinking isn't good for me. I start jumping to conclusions and then I start assuming things and worse, I start believing my assumptions ... I'm getting paranoid.

"Yes, are you guys going to come?" Eh? I hadn't even looked at the posters – in all honesty, there was no way I was considering going. Too many people. Too much socialising. I found it hard enough just holding a conversation with Kensuke at recess or lunch. (Toji's no problem because even if nobody is there he'll just babble on anyway regardless.)

"I think I might," Kaworu glanced at the poster behind him. He hadn't looked at them either, I knew. He was probably just saying it to please her. Then again, he seems like the kind of guy who would go to these things ... I think he likes to be around people, unlike me. He doesn't have a fear of interacting with other human beings and he doesn't shy away from them.

"Good, good. Make sure to tell me!" And she was off, probably to find Kensuke and Toji.

"Are you going?" Kaworu asked me casually. I shrugged, looking at the ground. "I'm not really into social occasions," I replied, somewhat embarrassed. He didn't say anything in reply but there was a slight twist in his mouth that suggested he was amused.

Unfortunately, I really didn't feel like talking to Kaworu. It was horribly ironic. The one time that somebody actually shows interest in me, when I've been longing for somebody to pay attention, to actually look at me, and when I finally get it I push it away. I didn't really know what to say to him, either.

That was another issue. Something else that was cutting me off from him. I never know what to say to people. Usually if I have something to say, I say it, and then that's it, and often there's a long uneasy silence. I see that it's important to be able to talk for any amount of time, judging by my schoolmates and friends in class. But I just run out of things to say and then I'm lost in my own thoughts again.

I mean, my private life isn't exactly conversation material. I honestly don't know what to talk to people about. Perhaps it's a result of having pushed them away for too long, and I've become accustomed to not talking to people, in order to keep them away. In any case, I can't talk to people very easily. I get the feeling that when I'm with Kaworu he's either frustrated or bored. Well, that's how I think he feels – I've got no way of knowing since he never shows negative emotions unless it's something very relative to him. And even if I do talk to people, I often forget what I'm saying and it always, always leads into an awkward silence, no matter what.

Maybe it's just me. Other people seem to have no problem. Then again, it doesn't help that I really can't keep track of my thoughts for very long. Give it a moment and whatever was in my head will have disappeared forever. There's so much rubbish going on in there – even now, it's all rubbish, isn't it? It's either insignificant or of little interest, or perhaps a bit of both. I can never understand what it is that makes me like this.

I'm getting too old. That's it. I'm going crazy because my life is getting near the expiry date, right?

Oh. Wait. I'm still seventeen. Could mean I've got a bit left to go. Never know. You know, I just realised, if I ever discussed this sort of thing outside of my head, people would think I was a complete and utter lunatic. Maybe they still have a good reason to anyway, since I'm discussing it with myself. This is horribly sad. I know I'm a disturbed child. But what can I do about it? I'm certainly not helping myself in any way – I don't think I'd know how.

"You honestly think way too much," Kaworu said lightly, putting his hands in his pockets and looking up at the sky. He looked oddly ethereal, standing like that, and I felt a cold shiver tingle my spine. He was doing that mind trick again. I knew now that it wasn't just me. There was something about him, something different.

"What's wrong with that?" I demanded in a voice involuntarily edged with accusation. Well, if we were going to be like this, on edge with each other, I might as well try to stop acting scared and shy around him and at least pretend that I had some measure of self-confidence, right?

"Thinking too much isn't good. You start getting strange ideas, plus you forget how to interact with other people. You start doubting yourself." Kaworu paused, his head tilted back. "It's best to just let life go as it does and accept it without analysing it too much."

I felt like yelling, and you would know? He was so – well, I tried to tell myself that he was a self righteous egotist but the problem was that he didn't come across as one and it seemed wrong to label him in that way. It didn't suit him. If I called him that he'd just laugh and neither of us would believe for a second that my accusations had any truth in them. I was confusing myself rapidly, and I had a feeling that Kaworu was both the cause and the encouragement for it. There was one easy solution to this, and that was to get as far away from Kaworu as I could. "Excuse me, I feel a little sick," I muttered hastily. Which wasn't necessarily a complete lie, either.

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Props unlimited to soulfulzen. Dunno where I'd be without ya, dude.

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