This is a songfic. I always thought they were sort of lame, but Ashanti's song hax0rred me. I had to write it. I think I might even have dreamt about it. I was haunted, haunted I tell you. I hope you good folk like it. Oh yeah, and I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh! blah-blah-blah...
Only U
I can't wait to get next to you
I just can't leave you alone
Jou saw him coming down the hall long before the others. That steady gait, that deliberate step, that cruel brown head cutting through the crowd, higher than anyone else's. He should have turned the other way, he should have moved to the side, but he didn't, setting himself straight for collision. He just couldn't leave Kaiba alone, not for long anyways.
"Watch where you're going, punk," Kaiba snarled as they knocked into each other.
"Yeah, well, ditto, you pompous ass," Jou shot back. He glared at Kaiba, daring him to touch him, begging him. Strong fingers knotted into his collar and threw him up against the lockers, and he was already breathless and screaming for more.
"Don't ever insult me again unless you're prepared to deal with the consequences." His voice was steely, but Jou heard the undertone. He should be able to recognise it by now.
"And what would those consequences be, jerk-face?" he ground out, grabbing Kaiba and swinging him around to bash his shoulder into the lockers. And then it was on, and they were fighting, dancing.
"When can I see you?" Jou asked, bent over in a headlock.
"Tonight. My house," came the equally fervent answer. They both shoved each other away, glaring and panting. Kaiba straightened his coat and roughly pushed past Jou, and moments later he was still shuddering from that abrasive touch that rubbed him raw, that was better than any caress.
Boy, you got me doin' things that I would never do
And I can't stop the way I'm feeling if I wanted to
Kaiba pulled away from Jou, giving him a chance to catch his breath. Jou ran his hands through his hair and sighed. He should really be having more fun, but something was bothering him, and had been for a while. Kaiba regarded him coolly.
"What is it?" he asked, looking a little annoyed. Jou could tell that Kaiba was irritated, and it made him mad.
"I had to ditch the gang to get here tonight. Again. Don't give me fucking attitude, like you're doing me some great favour." Kaiba raised his eyebrow in a supercilious manner that Jou felt was entirely uncalled for.
"I'm lying for you, okay? If anything, you owe me. I'm lying to my friends and I hate it; you know I hate it."
"You don't have to be here if you hate it so much. You should know where the door is by now."
The old song and dance. They'd been through it dozens of times. But Jou never left, he couldn't leave. It wasn't that he didn't want to go, because he did. Desperately. The problem was, he wanted to stay even more; even if he felt guilty, even if he had to endure that stupid smug smirk every time he turned away from the bedroom door and climbed into bed. He wished he could stop, that he didn't have these feelings, that they had never started this ridiculous affair, but wishing was useless.
He climbed into bed.
I'm crazy bout the way that you can make me say your name
And if I couldn't have you I would probably go insane
The first time was awkward. They were all arms and legs and lips; tasting each other, learning each other's rhythms and creating new ones. Every touch and every kiss was brutal, hasty, urgent; and they both came away with as many bruises as if they had been fighting.
But now they knew each other's bodies, and each knew how the other liked to be touched. It was both familiar and exhilarating, and Jou always felt as though his body was screaming out and his very soul was spiralling out of control deep inside him. They were still rough, and reckless, but it was different now. It was like nothing Jou had ever felt before. And if he forgot where he was and who he was with, it really was a beautiful thing.
And it was a beauty that he craved. He lived for those nights, where they came alive in each others arms. No one else could make Jou feel like Kaiba did. Kaiba could make him scream, could make him beg; and he knew he did the same for Kaiba. Sometimes Jou felt like he was going insane with wanting, with desire; with some thing worse, better, stronger.
He didn't want to think about the day that it would all end, but he knew it was near. Things like this could never last, weren't meant to. But for now, he needed this, whatever it was. He needed it desperately.
Only you can make me feel
Only you can take me there
Only you can make me feel
Only you can take me there
I can't wait to get next to you
I just can't leave you alone
They always fought in the hall. Never in class, or in the cafeteria, or in the schoolyard. The hall was small, and always seemed full, teeming with bodies, and there was no danger that either of them would get carried away with so many eager, prying eyes on them. They could be close, but they were also safe. No one would ever dream that there was anything remotely sexual about the way they fought. Like they say, if you want to hide something, do it in plain sight, and that's what they did.
They always sought each other out, and even if they didn't fight, there was an electric tension between them, a static field of energy that was totally palpable. Everyone felt it, but only they recognised it for what it really was – lust and desire bound by hatred, because make no mistake, there really was hatred; that was no show. Every confrontation, every rough shove, every time their fingers 'accidentally' brushed in passing screamed hate and warped love; and Jou hated and loved every minute of it fiercely.
They were drawn to each other, like moths to a flame; and that same flame that kindled the warmest hopes burned and scarred like acid. All Jou could do was wonder who would be consumed by the fire first.
Boy, you stay inside my mind ain't no denyin' that
And only you can do them things that got me comin' back
"Jou!"
Jou's eyes snapped up to meet Yugi's enquiring ones.
"Are you alright?" he asked, looking a little concerned.
"Yeah. Why'd you ask?"
"'Cause we've been calling you for the past five minutes, that's why," said Honda. "Jeez, you've been spacing out a lot lately. I must say, buddy, it's kinda suspicious."
The gang was surrounding him, and he had to close the book he had open on the desk in front of him. There was no use in pretending he was doing homework now, even if it was study period. Anzu poked him in the head.
"Yeah, you've been acting really weird." She narrowed her eyes at his book. "We know you don't read."
Jou rolled his eyes and swatted her hand away. "Can't a guy take an interest in higher learning without his friends thinking he's hiding something?"
"Ha! You are hiding something!" said Honda, triumphantly pointing a finger in Jou's face. "Or maybe someone." Jou was immediately wary of Honda's very suggestive tone. It made him feel guilty and anxious, and he thought he was going to be sick.
"What? No, I didn't – I never – that's not –"
"Relax, dude. I was only joking. If you had a girlfriend, the whole world would know about it."
Kaiba was sitting at the front of the class, reading a very large book that probably had nothing to do with any of the subjects he was taking. If Jou looked, he could see the back of his head. But of course he didn't look; he already spent too much time staring at him in class – he was so damned distracting.
He just couldn't get Kaiba out of his head – the rushed sex in the secret of night, the stolen kisses in the broom cupboard behind the cafeteria, the sidelong glances when no one else was looking. No girl had ever made him feel rage and desire in one breath. No girl had ever touched him like Kaiba did; those barbed-wire kisses and that stinging, biting embrace that he longed for. No girl had ever filled his mind so much that he just couldn't help but stare…
He looked. He could have sworn Kaiba's head was cocked a little to the side, eavesdropping. He smiled wryly and turned back to Honda.
"Yeah. No girlfriend."
This gotta be the realest thing that I have ever felt
And I'll do what I gotta do to keep you to myself
Jou walked quietly down the dark sidewalk; the last thing he needed was to wake up the neighbours at three in the morning. He turned into his yard and walked along the side of the house. He always went in through his bedroom window, which was at the back. The lights were always off, but he never knew if his dad was actually sleeping or not.
He turned the corner and froze, his heart leaping into his throat. There was someone there, leaning on the shadowy wall under his window. It was his father; it had to be his father. He wanted to know why his son was sneaking in through his bedroom window, why he always needed new buttons for his school shirts, why he was always spending the night at Honda's house, Yugi's house, any house that wasn't his own. And he didn't have an answer. Panic was quickly setting in.
"Where were you?"
It was Honda. Jou almost breathed a sigh of relief, but he wasn't really that relieved. He still didn't have any answers to give.
Honda pushed off from the wall and came to stand in front of Jou. Jou could see Honda taking him in, could feel his eyes raking over his rumpled clothes and his messy hair. He regretted not buttoning his shirt all the way up, he knew there was a nasty looking bite mark right below his collar bone, and he saw Honda focus in on it.
"Who is he?"
Honda's voice was soft in the darkness, and Jou could hardly hear it over the rapid-fire beating of his heart. Honda knew, he knew; and no amount of lying could save him now. But he couldn't tell the truth, had sworn not to. He felt defeated, beaten; but was resigned to it. He knew something like this was coming, he had been bracing for it all along.
"How did you know? That I was, um…"
Honda shrugged. "I've kinda known for a while. It wasn't really that hard to figure it out your big secret - you're not really a secrets kind of guy. At least, you didn't used to be."
Oh, Jou was so guilty; he could literally feel it, heavy inside him. It was dragging him down, and he felt low and dirty. He stared dumbly in Honda's general direction for a moment, trying to figure out what he should say. Jou felt – no, knew - he owed Honda some sort of explanation, but he didn't want to get into it yet. There would be too many questions, and he really couldn't handle that right now. Judging by the drained look on Honda's face, neither could he. Jou had to say something, though – they couldn't stay outside all night not talking.
"What -" his voice cracked and he had to clear his throat "- what are you doing here?"
"I came over to see what's been up with you lately, and your dad tells me you said you were spending the night at my house."
"Oh, fuck. I'm in the shit."
"Nah. Don't worry about it. I covered for you. Pretended it was all some big mix-up and you were really at Yugi's house."
"Thanks," Jou breathed. "I owe you big time." The cold shivers of fear receded, and he really would have laughed if he didn't feel like crying. He'd been lying to both Honda and his dad for longer than he could remember, and here Honda was joining the deception parade to save his ass. He really felt rotten.
"Yeah, you owe me big time. You got me lying to your dad, Jou!"
"Well I've been lying to him for a lot longer."
"Do you think that makes it okay?"
"No…no. God, Honda, I've been –it's been torture. I really hate lying to you guys, but I got no choice." He hoped Honda could hear the honesty, the desperation, the pain in his voice. He hoped Honda wouldn't push it, but he knew better. As it was, Jou could barely meet his eyes without wincing from the sheer force of his glare.
"Bullshit, Jou. We've all got choices, and you chose to keep this guy a secret."
Jou almost protested, but he quickly cut himself off because maybe Honda was right. Of course, Kaiba had sworn him to secrecy; it was the only hard and fast rule of their admittedly dysfunctional relationship. But, maybe he had wanted to keep it from everyone else, to keep Kaiba to himself. Maybe that way he could keep living in that world where only the two of them existed and there was no one to tell him that it was wrong, and that it was all a mistake and that it meant nothing.
Because it meant something to Jou, regardless of what happened now. He'd hold onto it anyway he could, even if it meant he had to keep lying to everyone he cared about. No one else could give him what Kaiba gave him; it was the only thing that was real to him now. He took a deep breath, and looked Honda in the eye.
"Don't hate me, Honda. I can't, not yet."
"I don't hate you Jou. I hate that you're lying to us, but I don't hate you. And I won't rat you out either. We've been friends for too long, and you've had your fair share of covering for me."
Jou nodded, ducking his head and biting his lip. He felt oddly relieved and guilty all at once, and he just wanted to sleep more than anything else.
"Thanks, Honda. I won't forget this, I promise."
"I hope it's worth it."
Jou paused before climbing though his bedroom window. He thought about Kaiba; insulting, scornful, arrogant, possessive, smug, glacial, brilliant, beautiful Kaiba. He gave Honda a crooked smile.
"It is. It's totally worth it."
Only you can make me feel
Only you can take me there
Only you can make me feel
Only you can take me there
Crazy bout the way you make me feel
I just gotta have you here
And I wanna let you know
I won't ever let you go
Now Jou knew the meaning of addiction. He knew why someone would rob their families, cheat their friends, and sell their very soul for just one more hit. He knew now what losing control felt like; giving into something more powerful than he was, something he could never challenge and win. He let the tide pull him under, and he'd been tossed like a rag doll on high seas. And now he'd hit rock bottom, and there was no way he could claw his way back to sanity.
Because it was love, it had to be. Jou knew that now. And it shocked him more than anything else. But it really shouldn't have after all. Jou had felt hate for Kaiba, and he'd been in pain because of him; and love and hate and pain were all the same really. They all tumbled around in side him, twining and knotting together so that they were inseparable. He knew the truth, he had to accept it.
With Kaiba, he forgot himself and found who he truly was. Kaiba could unmake him and put him back together - he'd died and been reborn a thousand times in Kaiba's arms. He couldn't let that go, but he had no idea how he could hang on. Jou could never tell Kaiba that he loved him; Kaiba was too cruel. Even if he felt something remotely similar, he'd cut his nose off to spite his face. They would be over quicker than Jou could say "Psych!" and he'd be cursing himself for spoiling a good thing. At least, he thought that was the way things would go.
Because when it came down to it, Jou just didn't know. He never knew what Kaiba was really feeling or thinking, or why he did anything at all. Kaiba loved to keep Jou guessing, it worked to his advantage in their little power struggle games. But Jou wasn't playing anymore; Kaiba was holding all the cards now. He had all the power, just like he wanted, and Jou was left feeling utterly plundered, but in the best way he knew how.
He thought he really would have enjoyed being in love, if only he had those feelings for a decent human being. As it was, Seto Kaiba was not the best person to be revealing your heart and soul to. He was liable to use everything you shared to humiliate you, and then he'd rub your face in it for the rest of your life, sporting that stupid, smug smile that Jou still couldn't stand. But Jou wasn't afraid of humiliation, was he? He was still with Kaiba after all.
And he'd stay with him because he loved him, despite everything else. Despite the fact that he'd have to start lying to Kaiba too now to keep this love a secret. Jou would stay with him for as long as possible. For as long as Kaiba would let him.
Only you can make me feel
Only you can take me there
Only you can make me feel
Only you can take me there
I can't wait to get next to you
I just can't leave you alone
Everything in Jou told him that he should stay away. Unrequited love was a sure way to an early grave, and if how he was feeling lately was any indicator, he was already half-dead. He was torn apart inside; the lies and deceit were taking their toll on him.
He knew that he couldn't keep lying to his friends and family; they were suspicious, and he was weakening. He knew that Kaiba couldn't love him back the way he wanted, because he was a broken and damaged boy who would never let anyone else fix him, and couldn't do it himself. He knew that he had to tell Kaiba soon, even though he'd promised himself he wouldn't, because self-destruction though honesty was looking a lot better than rotting in the dark secrecy of his lies.
He just needed time; he needed to sort it all out. And he'd get to it all; he'd make everything right even if it killed him. He just couldn't yet. There was something he had to do first, something he needed more than anything else.
The door to the broom cupboard cracked open, and Kaiba slipped through, tall, graceful, dark. Jou stood to meet him. Just this one last time, and then he'd set things right. He took a breath, and spoke, his voice tinged with anticipation and shame, with love and loathing.
"When can I see you?"
Review me if you feel like it. Don't be a slave to peer pressure! Say no to drugs! Spay and neuter your pets! The monkeys will set you free! Umm...yeah.